Women’s mistakes in marriage: the whole point
On this list are the non-trivial mistakes of the wife. There will be no “Too many tears” or “Make a housewife out of yourself. Just what you can realistically fix right away as you find in your behavior.
This habit, common to almost all women. I’ll tell you my example. I am cooking in the kitchen, the TV is on. My husband comes over and changes programs. I start a long accusatory monologue in my head: “He doesn’t think about my needs… He doesn’t love me….. Doesn’t appreciate… Doesn’t respect…” This kind of domestic telepathy: he is silent, but I think I know his thoughts.
The truth is: no one knows what the other person is thinking. Telepathy doesn’t exist. Most likely, at that moment, he wasn’t thinking about our relationship at all. He was just switching channels. There are options for a woman to act:
1. get offended and make life difficult for herself.
2. To endure and not pay attention – it’s just TV. Not a bad option if sincere, but if it’s actually a disguised first – it’s the most disastrous for the marriage.
3. Speak up about your desires.
In any case, to come to an agreement and somehow change the situation is possible only in the third option.
But very often women, like myself, go for the first or second way. There are several explanations for this. First, resentment – a kind of lever of control. I was offended at you, now you are… and variations follow:
I’m mad at you, now you…
…drop everything and comfort me.
…realize how wrong you were and what a miracle you fool got as a wife.
…expect nothing good from me, I’ll do nothing at all, and go away resentful.
…and now you owe me.
That’s a hell of a lot of manipulation.
Secondly, even when we know everything and understand everything with our minds, sometimes we don’t act the way we should. Yes, I know that there is no point in being offended, but for some reason I still mess up my relationships. This mechanism is very deep, rooted in subconscious fears and desires. I can write about it endlessly, I want to say the main thing – you can and should deal with it. You are free to choose your own behavior and build your own life.
If you allow your inner hidden beliefs to influence your choices, you are no longer choosing. You’re just reacting. I believe that human reactions are more complex than those of an amoeba. With an amoeba, it’s simple: you poke a false leg, it retracts. With humans, it just has to be different. Yes, it struck a sore chord. But I can still choose to be offended or not.
You have to be frank and honest. To yourself and your loved ones.
Is that really what you want? Say it. You don’t want to cook, and you want to go out – don’t use tricks, just say it.
Wife Mistake 1. Sex is not enough!
Just because you share a bedroom, does not mean that you are close. You have to touch each other every chance you get. You have no idea how carefully you avoid casual touching. Even with your husband. And of course, instead of a “smoochy smoochy” in the morning, leaving for work – a normal kiss. Remember, in the famous movie, “What the … smokey?”
Mistake #2 – Don’t let emotions ruin your married life
Even if when you were dating your future husband, you allowed yourself eccentricities, verbal outbursts and tantrums. What is forgivable at the stage of a passionate romance, is unacceptable in family life.
If you, being just a friend of your man, could afford to be offended, turn off the phone and go dancing in a club – this is not what a man expects from a life partner.
Men don’t like tantrums. If you think that in this way you wake up the sleeping passion – you’re wrong.
Imagine if once lightly prick the skin with a needle – you jump. If you do it all the time – the skin will lose sensitivity.
Once hysterical will work. The beloved will comfort you and try to do everything to make you calm down. Be sure: if you throw tantrums regularly, in six months your husband will be completely indifferent to your tears.
If you get angry – do it constructively. You can not gloss over the offense, but they need to talk about it correctly. If you are able to do it immediately, without descending into accusations and arguments – talk about what you do not like, immediately. Emotions are through the roof? Then first blow off steam, and then talk to your husband. As equals, as adults. And not as a shrieking weak-willed lady and an amazed listens to the reproach unfazed inhabitant of Olympus.
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Mistake #3 – Being right all the time
Be Wiser. Family is not an area where you have to get your way no matter what. Even if you are 100% sure that you are right and that this is the best thing for everyone.
First of all, even if something will be done wrong – everyone has to make their own mistakes. There’s no point in backing everyone up all the time.
Second, giving your man the right to make mistakes is an investment in your family. Investing in your man – it gives him strength and confidence.
Of course, you can insist on your own. Take, for example, the subject of the always relevant repairs. You can choose the furniture in the living room, which you like and do not like her husband. It’s a small thing, but every time you enter the room, he will remember that it was chosen against his wishes, you forced him to concede.
And these little things, piling up, can even a strong man to undermine his faith in himself. And the weak in general instantly discourage doing anything for the family and make any kind of decision. After all, what is more important to you: the living room or who to sit in it?
If you in the family always decide everything, if you’re the driving force, if you used to push through all of their decisions – it leads to some kind of consequences. Listen to the word “push” … Wanted or not – it deforms the personality. The husband becomes weaker, the children more insecure. Again, what’s more important, having a living room that’s stylish or making your husband feel like a man, a master?
People with a good sense of humor usually boast a good level of intelligence. But a preoccupation with sarcastic remarks in conversation with a partner can lead to a build-up of irritation and open aggression. Psychologist Clifford Lazarus defines sarcasm as “hostility disguised as humor. Of course, a couple of ironic remarks can enliven communication, but if you get carried away with caustic witticisms, you risk becoming a toxic interlocutor. Sarcasm in large quantities suppresses goodwill, and in such a situation your partner is unlikely to feel your protection and support (read: “Love, but leaves: 7 reasons why men leave those with whom they are really in love”).
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Mistake #4 – Running ahead of the locomotive
I was lucky enough to know a very wise woman. One day she told me how she and her husband went on vacation.
The vacation was organized by a man. The vacation was terrible. They were not met at the airport, there were problems with their luggage, the hotel gave them the wrong room, etc. etc. The whole time she was, quote: “She was silent and smiling.” As a bubbly and active person, this was completely incomprehensible to me. “How could it be?” – I questioned. – “You didn’t change your room, you didn’t try to negotiate with the administration, you didn’t pick up your papers, you didn’t help your husband in any way… But why?”
– “And because,” she answered me, “if I had, I would have had to arrange the next vacation myself. I just didn’t get in the way of his studies.”
As a result: knowing the possible pitfalls, her husband now organizes trips wonderfully comfortable.
If a woman takes over what a man should do, he will not do it. By her active help, she deprives him of his initiative and desire to act. If you lead a man – you show him that he has no leadership qualities and do not allow him to develop them.
Active assistance from women in men’s eyes – this is a form of mistrust. That is: since it all interferes, therefore, does not believe that I am able to solve everything myself.
Separate the grain from the chaff, do not be distracted by small things. Think about the future, the family is a long term project. You have to live with this man, it is better to be strong. Allow him to make mistakes – he grows on them, becoming stronger and smarter.
Following the established rules.
“A man is obliged to fully provide for the family,” “Decent couples do grocery shopping together,” “A loving spouse gives flowers not only on holidays,” and so on and so forth. Some publications regularly publish articles like “50 Characteristics of an Ideal Husband,” but are you sure you want to live by these rules? It may be much better to think together with your loved one and work out your own standards for your own happy family life in which everyone will be doing what they are best at. After all, if you get lost in the store – why do you go there? To just roll around the cart uselessly? Wouldn’t it be easier to write your man a list and do something useful in the meantime?
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Mistake #5 – Don’t turn into a housewife
I think it’s only in our culture that we have this saying about the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s not true! Not true, not true, not true.
A man does not marry a cook or a mother. He marries a Woman. And he wants to live with a woman. And not with a cleaner, or a cook, or his children’s teacher.
But it often happens that behind the roles of mother and wife, the most important role – that of a happy woman – gets squeezed out.
It’s very easy to slip simply into domesticity. Replace love with borscht and cleaning. There will be a perfect home and a tired woman in it – not at all what a man needs. Not what it takes to have a good family.
Many women enter adulthood with just that – it’s important to be a good hostess. As if they were taught only one thing in their childhood: you have to clean and cook in the family. As if that’s the most important thing in life. They grow up, go through a period of falling in love, build a career, become successful, eventually find just the right man, build a relationship with him – and oops. They start cleaning and cooking. And, most importantly, put it above all!
Of course, the man is important to comfort. Warm dinner is important. But warmth begins in the eyes of a loving wife who welcomes him home with joy. The tastiest dinner, seasoned with reproaches and fatigue, is no joy.
Any man needs to return to a place where he is not just welcome, but where he will be welcomed. Happy to him. And this joy is expressed in a sincere smile and a kiss, and not in the duty “Bought bread? Do you want borscht?”
If a man needs a cleaner, he can hire one. Naturally, I’m talking about accomplished, decent, decent men. Who need a wife in a couple, not a self-esteem machine. Sometimes, of course, family life is based on the “tyrant-victim” principle. But this situation is also twofold – you support this game on an equal footing. Change yourself – change your partner.
If life crushes you woman – change your life. Let not everything will not be perfect cleanliness, let it be cooked quickly sometimes, and not a masterpiece of culinary art. Allow yourself to be a less than perfect hostess. You have to have time for yourself.
A woman in stockings will never be told, “The dumplings are too salty!”
If a wife in stockings serves dumplings, they will be eaten, even if she forgot to boil them.
Finding yourself constrained for life with a short-tempered fussy woman in a bathrobe cluttering the kitchen is an image out of men’s nightmares. It has nothing to do with whether you work or not. It has to do with who your husband sees when he comes home.
It’s very simple, but women forget this all the time – be beautiful for your man. If he married a sexy hottie and after 5 years of marriage is living with a sexless something in sweatpants – don’t blame it on two kids and housekeeping.
Men’s perspective: “A woman should have everything perfect: her soul, her thoughts, and everything you’re just thinking about…”
And again: your husband doesn’t need a perfect hostess. A man needs to be more than just a father and a master of the house. He also needs to be a man – a conqueror and explorer, lover and protector. And if his masculine self is not in great demand next to you, it will manifest somewhere else.
Then women complain: did everything, gave the best years of his life, and he left for someone else. Well, naturally he left. Well, it’s good that he was patient for a while, so he was a good man.
To be a good wife – a whole art. And it starts with an attempt to understand what you really need a partner? How to make him happy? Read a little about it here, but the main condition – your desire to keep the relationship.
As the philosopher and writer Viktor Krotov says, “a woman is love in search of wisdom.”
I wish you find it.
Sincerely, Sophia Pimenova
It so happens that self-sacrifice at some point in life is ready to do almost any Russian girl. Edaki y feat nekrasovsky: stop a herd of wild horses, to rush into a burning building for a kitten? It’s easy! Giving up your career and socializing with your girlfriends for the sake of your loved one? No problem at all. “Keeping the family home is one of the main missions of a woman, so forget about personal interests” – it’s scary to think, but this stereotype has ruined the lives of more than one hundred thousand girls.
Today psychologists say that the tendency to self-sacrifice is one of the clearest signs of low self-esteem. Some even consider it a form of addiction and equate it to religious fanaticism.
The solution to the problem is not to become isolated solely on your husband and family. Respect yourself and your personal boundaries. Give enough time to your favorite activity (even if it’s “Sudoku” or watch your favorite TV series). Taking up your hobby, you are not wasting time, and get a charge of positive energy and grow in their eyes, and in the eyes of her husband.
Photo: Getty Images
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Rarely is the main reason for divorce, but it can stimulate adultery and numerous conflicts. To avoid this happening, you need to monitor your sexual health, immediately discuss the problems in a constructive dialogue and, of course, arrange a test-drive before the wedding.
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Women’s mistakes in marriage
A large number of divorces occur when there are young children in the family. On the one hand, the inability to organize time and life with a baby can be called a mistake of a woman in a marriage. Twenty-five years ago, this is exactly what we would have done. But in today’s world, the rules have changed: both partners need to make an effort to keep the family together during the difficult time of having a baby. So it is worth to think before this important event, how ready you are and what can be improved in advance to reduce the number of problems and dissatisfaction in the future.
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Mistakes of husbands in marriage
For example, inadequate jealousy. Or excessive fascination for computer games. Unwillingness to take care of children, to help solve everyday problems, to work and earn money, in the end… There can be a lot of variants, the only question is: is it all worth putting up with?
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Sad as it may be, couples often break up because of a serious illness of one of the partners or a child. Not everyone is ready to cope with difficulties, which is why special children are often raised by independent mothers.
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Divorce does not occur only after the birth of a child. Many couples separate after 20-25 years of life together. There is a so-called “empty nest crisis,” when the children have grown up and left, and the husband and wife realize that there is nothing keeping them together anymore. The crisis can cause a divorce at any time – we change, and it’s perfectly natural. Not all partners evolve in the same direction, so the end of the relationship can be a logical start to a new phase.
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Loss of Love
Eternal love may exist, but it is not easy to find. Some attempts become not very successful and lead to divorce. And also – a little closer to a new, happier relationship.
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Turning into a “mommy”. 10 Women’s Mistakes That Ruin Marriages
Overprotective husband, forbidding him to go fishing with friends and discussing the faults of her husband behind his back? All this clearly does not contribute to the strengthening of the marriage. About these and other mistakes that can destroy even the strongest union, says psychologist Maria Merkulova.
Mistake #1. Becoming a mom for her husband
There are women who decide for their husbands absolutely everything: how to behave in public, what to wear, where to work, whether or not to go to corporate parties, how much to drink at a party, etc. Even if the husband obeys, it does not mean that all is well in the family. It’s just that the wife has become a mom to him. And with mothers do not enter into intimate relationships, so intimacy in such couples often comes to naught, people become distant from each other.
Few men want to be seen as an obedient son. If this still happens, in all likelihood he will find a woman who will see him as a bold, active, strong and independent nature.
Remember one simple thing: it was the mother’s job to raise the man, it’s not the wife’s function!
Mistake #2. Not letting your husband go on vacation with friends
After marriage, for many men hobbies such as fishing, hunting, bathing with friends are banned. The wife puts a cross on them. It is dangerous for the marriage! The spouse simply has nowhere to show his masculinity and relieve stress.
If a man wants to go to the bathroom with his friends, it is not a reason for hysterics, accusations and rolling his eyes. This is a reason to rejoice, to let him go with a light heart and go about his business.
Mistake #3. Removing intimacy from your priorities
Why can intimacy be a secondary priority? There are a lot of reasons, such as different libidos. Just at the beginning of a relationship, many women are trying to hide this fact, trying to match the “appetites” of her husband. It is difficult to do this on a permanent basis, as a result, the wife prefers to “get off the track. Meanwhile, the other half is left in complete bewilderment – what is going on? Everything was fine before! The man may feel rejected. Only an honest dialogue on the subject can clarify the situation. Whatever the reason behind your reluctance to intimacy, it must be discussed, not pretend that all is well.
Mistake #4. Unreasonable claims
Some women play the role of a mommy in family life, and some play the role of a daughter. The latter are convinced that her husband owes them something: buy a car, a fur coat, to fully provide, to take them to another level of life. If this does not happen, they start caprices, tears and other manipulations. A psychologically mature man does not need such a “wife-daughter”, he needs a partner with whom he can interact as an equal.
Mistake #5. Living your life and not involving your husband in your own plans
Some women live as a couple, but believe that they can make all the important decisions that suit them on their own, the spouse in this situation should adjust to them. They do not discuss with the other half of the large purchases, or moving, or the choice of vacation destinations, etc. This is the way people with excessive self-love act. They see only their model of life.
In marriage, spouses still need to negotiate. A situation where you, for example, want to buy a cottage, her husband – no, but you still buy it and take a loan to buy, pay together, surely will nerve your chosen one.
Mistake #6. Doing the child rearing by yourself
Many young mothers make this mistake. They take it upon themselves to take care of the child and completely remove the father from the educational process. This is usually done under very plausible excuses: the husband is working, he is tired, he needs peace. But the love of the child is formed in men through taking care of the baby. If you do not allow a spouse, this process does not happen. What do we get in the end? Around the third year of the baby a woman usually gets tired of motherhood and begins to complain to her husband why he does not help her. And he does not understand what to do, because all this time, the children’s affairs were exclusively engaged in his wife.
Another perfect way to destroy your marriage is to sleep with the baby and evict the husband to the living room. Such actions cause the couple to lose emotional and physical contact. Kissing in the morning, cuddling at night, talking before bedtime are all very important, don’t deprive yourself and your husband of these little joys.
Mistake #7. Not accepting your husband’s parents and his children from other marriages
Here we are talking about women who put her husband before a choice: either me or your parents (children, relatives), demonstratively do not communicate with them, organize some boycotts.
I note that sometimes this behavior in women does not arise out of nothing, there are reasons for this: she does not feel important and needed, because in any situation, the man gives preference to anyone, but not her. Another issue is that to solve the problem with tantrums and boycotts – not the way. Again, this is where dialogue is needed.
Mistake #8. Postpone the birth of children.
Your spouse wants to be a daddy, always talking about it, but you put off having children, convincing him and yourself that now is not the time, they have other priorities. Think about how long your spouse will follow your course?
Be sure to bring clarity to the worrying issue for both of you. Voice your plans: for example, in the next two years (and maybe more or less), you do not want to become a mom. Then the man will understand what to do next, whether he has the opportunity to wait. If you act in a different way, say, secretly take birth control pills, it certainly will not strengthen your marriage.
Mistake #9. Dealing with material issues with the help of your parents or a loan
There is a joke: Nothing strengthens a marriage better than a 30-year mortgage. But in fact, any loan (from the bank or your parents) disturbs the emotional background of the family, sooner or later there will be problems and conflicts because of it.
Parents are not forever, one day they will not be able to help you. What will you do next with the husband, who is used to the material help from the outside and does not even want to look for a better job? Another thing: who has the money, has the power, which means that the parents can interfere in the young family. Living on someone else’s money is a very shaky subject.
Mistake #10. Complaining about your husband to family and friends
Don’t devalue or disadvantage your husband in the eyes of family, relatives and friends. Yes, you may have been angry at him, he upset you in some way, but most likely you will make up in time, and other people will have a grudge against him. Be careful with the complaints, with such sensitive issues is better to go to a psychologist than to your girlfriend.