I want to know the details of the affair.
Good afternoon. Six months ago my wife cheated on me. We have been married for 11 years. We are 31 years old. I gave our relationship a chance, we are together now, but the thing is, I want to know the details of her cheating. My wife of course doesn’t tell me. What do you have to say about that. Is it worth knowing the details, or not worth it. And if not, how to deal with it?
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Please tell me in detail: how did the betrayal happen, how long was this relationship? What was your relationship with your wife before the affair, during the affair, and after.
My wife started a relationship with a colleague about two and a half years ago. We had a 5 year old son at the time. Then my wife got pregnant and went on maternity leave. In October 2015 we had a daughter. Now my wife is still on maternity leave. As I found out later, while I was at work, my wife was actively chatting on classmates with her lover. The wife claims that before the birth of her daughter, she had not had an intimate relationship with her coworker. And they began around the beginning of 2016. The daughter was about six months old. Anyway, she had an intimate relationship with her lover for about a year until I found out in December 2016. Our relationship was calm and even. We fought once a year. After I found out about her cheating, she asked for forgiveness and I decided to give our relationship a chance. But the strange thing is that for about another month she made attempts to communicate with him on the phone. I found out, and there was a fight again. Now it’s been 5 months, I’ve more or less calmed down. My desire for sex has escalated though. I want to have sex every day, and my wife says that it is too much for her. Well with this, too, somehow cope. But here I want to know the details of her cheating. When, where and how. In what positions. And she naturally does not talk about it. What to do?
Addendum: now my wife seems not to communicate with my former lover. I try to pay her maximum attention. When it comes to our feelings, she says she loves me. I love her too. And when asked why she cheated on me, she says she did something stupid. She just liked hanging out with him.
You’re a very noble man. Your wife made a mistake and you, as a true man, didn’t leave her alone with her. Why do you want to know these details? Do you want to include them in your intimate life?
After my wife cheated on me, I got to know a different side of her. She had sex with her lover in the car, for example. She never had sex with me. I only had one girl before my wife that I was intimate with. For myself, I think if my wife likes thrills, I wanted to ask her for details, but on the contrary, she now does not want to talk about this topic. Says to me, what, we do not have a bed, or what. And she liked the other sex, out of bed. Maybe that’s what made me interested. It also feels like when I think about how she cheated on me, it turns me on. So I can’t figure out the reason for my interest.
Well, look. Now we’re going to look at two aspects: your desire to improve your intimate life and why adultery turns you on.
It’s traumatic enough for your wife to discuss her lover’s actions. She came back to you, she loves you! And for her it is like destroying the sanctuary of your family. Most likely, all of the sexual acts were not her initiative, but his-he didn’t ask, “Honey, do you want to go in the car?” -he went ahead and did it. That’s what I advise you to do. Read modern sexual literature, there are the most “fashionable” trends and do everything unobtrusively, do not ask her anything, do not ask permission, all women expect from men initiative. And try that touching was not only in the bedroom. At breakfast, take her wrist and kiss it before you leave, give her coat and hug her, women appreciate these moments, and certainly these moments work to improve your sex life, you have no idea. More touching, and the kind you would not normally do.
Second. It’s no secret to you that all men are possessive. And wanting to control your wife is natural, but let her keep it a secret. We all have moments we don’t want to remember. And you may be pleased to have another man paying attention to your wife because of archaic layers of consciousness. Once upon a time, when the cult of fertility was predominant, it was considered lucky if a woman who was liked by a lot of people paid attention to you. And you were lucky she chose you. So relax and go ahead and build your beautiful family nest-filled with love and tenderness.
Maria Arefieva, Thank you for your help, I will try first of all to calm down, and come to terms with some things. I know that I should try not to remember the bitter moments of the past, and I hope I will be able to do that, I have enough strength. Thanks again.
What to do if your wife is cheating: tips from a psychologist
It is not accepted to talk about women’s cheating. And in vain. After all, with the beautiful half of humanity, everything is not as simple as it seems. Wives also decide to cheat, and not so rarely. Perhaps you noticed some suspicious changes in the behavior of his wife? She stopped pestering you with claims, she became very calm, even aloof, does not say much … Not a woman, a dream! But do not hurry to rejoice, because perhaps you are already “carrying horns. You will ask, but what to do if your wife is cheating? First, you need to figure out, and why she decided to betray?
Why does the wife cheat?
Many women, despite being married, sometimes allow themselves to look at other men with interest. Some of them even dare to flirt innocently. This behavior usually does not commit to anything and poses no threat to the marriage. But there are those who overstep the bounds of the allowed and betray their spouses.
Treason is unfaithfulness, betrayal. Despite the quite universal definition, each person understands it differently. For some men, even a woman’s furtive glance in the direction of a stranger is a blow to the self-esteem. Others are willing to forgive his wife if she had sex with someone else on the side, but they can not withstand the emotional treachery. In other words, men’s attitudes toward different types of infidelity may differ. And what are women’s infidelities like? They can be divided into four types:
Rameez Remy , Unsplash
This type of infidelity includes both platonic feelings, as well as the very real love for another man. Often “emotional betrayal” does not end in anything serious, and only rarely does it lead to physical contact with a lover (kissing, hugging, stroking, sex).
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You now know the basic types of female infidelity. But what to do if your wife is unfaithful? Before looking for an answer to this question, study the possible reasons for her unfaithful behavior:
3. lack of attention.
Sometimes there is love between spouses, but the husband stops paying enough attention to his spouse. For example, he gives her compliments less and less often, does not give her gifts, does not arrange nice surprises, stops noticing her new beautiful clothes or hairstyle. Then the spouse may go off in search of that attention from other men.
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5. Problems in sex
So many couples shy away from talking about the intimate side of married life and their sexual desires. Because of this, the spouses (often the wife) are not satisfied with sex in the marriage. Women fake orgasms, men think their wives are “logs”. And all because of the inability to talk “heart to heart. Often husbands cheat for this reason, but women also often go in search of sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
6. Strong resentment
Treason because of the offense – this is a kind of revenge. And the action of the spouse should be very significant for the woman to decide on this step. For example, the man was the first to cheat or betrayed in some other way. It is important to understand that the experience of betrayal is similar to grieving. And not all people know how to work through feelings (anger and resentment). In this case, cheating becomes a specific emotional release, though very ineffective.
7. Feelings for another man
A woman may suddenly fall in love with a man she does not know, a colleague, a boss, a friend or a former lover. It all depends on the relationship with her husband and her surroundings. If the marriage is all right, such an outcome is unlikely. But when everything with her spouse is not smooth, to put it mildly, she may be ready for the emergence of passionate feelings.
8. Accidental .
Spontaneous infidelity is characteristic not only of men. Women, too, can sometimes “accidentally” commit treason. Most often it happens when there is no spouse. Perhaps at a corporate party, a meeting with friends (if among them there are free men) and even a stranger (in a club, bar, vacation). The reason in this case is banal – most often it is a normal interest and desire to try something new.
9. A Long Separation from a Husband
We are not talking about cheating because her husband comes home late every day (although that does happen). Women are usually quite tolerant of a loved one’s short absence. However, things can change if the spouse leaves his wife for a very long period. For example, he works on a rotational schedule, or his work involves endless trips, and he is not at home. Wives suffer because of the lack of warmth, communication, love, attention and sex. And some of them decide to cheat to satisfy all their needs.
10. Material gain
Cheating can also be a way to make money. How is that possible? It is simple: in the oldest profession there are not only free girls, but also quite married ones. Usually husbands have no idea about their wives’ moonlighting. And that is where we can talk about adultery. After all, sex for money, which the spouse knows about, can hardly be considered treason.
11. A sign of gratitude.
Some wives are ready to thank a strange man with their body for services or help if he asks for it. The reason for this strange attitude is low self-esteem and the position of the victim. Such women seriously believe that they cannot refuse.
Take into account these main reasons, because your further actions will depend on them. But wait, it’s not time to think about what to do if your wife is cheating. First, consider the signs you can tell: Is she definitely not faithful to you? After all, you could be wrong, despite your intuition and past life experiences.
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How do you know if your wife is cheating?
Of course, it would be very easy to suspect your spouse of cheating if you found condoms or birth control pills in her purse. But it’s not so easy: few women will be so blatant “cry” about her infidelity. So the very first thing you need to pay attention to is serious changes in your wife’s behavior and appearance. So before you decide what to do if your wife is cheating, look at the other signs of feminine infidelity. Your spouse may have betrayed you if she:
2. Trying to have less contact with you.
Remember, does she look you in the eye or look away? Does she give you a one-syllable answer or the usual detailed one? Is she sitting in a closed pose? You know, what kind of answers indicate that the spouse is away from you. This could mean that she has someone else.
3. not in a hurry to go home.
She used to rush to leave work early, but now all of a sudden there are a lot of unexpected business trips or girlfriend meetings? Think about it. Especially if she spends a lot of time after work at places she couldn’t get her to before.
6. Unexpectedly changed her image.
The change is as much about clothes as it is about a change in image in general. If before she only cared about closet convenience, and now she’s looking for gorgeous dresses, heels, stockings, and lingerie, that’s a cause for concern. She used to hate sports, was skeptical about going to the beautician, rarely went to the hairdresser? And now all she does is take care of her appearance? Yes, maybe it’s all just for your eyes. But maybe there’s some other reason for this change?
Rameez Remy , Unsplash
7. Acting mysterious and secretive.
Another extreme of your spouse’s behavior can be indicative of cheating – excessive secrecy. Here you enter the room, and she hides the phone or turns away from you computer. Or goes somewhere to talk to a “friend.” When asked where she’s been, you get silence. All of this is suspicious and could mean you’ve been betrayed.
8. Seems happy or dreamy for no apparent reason
She is constantly somewhere in her thoughts but not here, she doesn’t listen to you, she looks often aloof and happy, she often smiles for no reason? This condition is often seen when you are in love. If you know for sure that she doesn’t have such vivid emotions for you, you can suspect her of cheating.
9. She has become overprotective.
She has become more delicious than ever, constantly brings you tea or coffee in bed, wonders if you want anything and is willing to do anything for you. And that’s not like her. This behavior is seen in women who feel guilty about their wrongdoing. If you don’t see any reason to be so overprotective, there’s a good chance you’re no longer being faithful.
10. Changed her attitude toward sex with you
She has either become cold to you or, on the contrary, excessively passionate. These things don’t just happen. The first behavior clearly screams that something is wrong. And the second you can rejoice, but should you? This, of course, is not the main sign of cheating, but abrupt changes in sex can indicate her infidelity.
11. Accepts expensive gifts from someone
Every now and then she comes with a bouquet of flowers, or expensive jewelry, or a new perfume. At the same time, you can see that it didn’t take her, yours, or the money in common. And to your questions she gives ambiguous answers. Maybe there’s something fishy going on. And it has to do with her new admirer.
All of these signs together accurately indicate a fait accompli: you were cheated on. But, if there are few signs, it is worth thinking hard before you make such high-profile conclusions. Sometimes additional verification is needed. But, if you know for sure or have identified absolutely certain signs of cheating? Proceed to explore what to do if your wife has cheated. The advice of a psychologist will help you in this.
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Tips from a psychologist
Despite the fact that one of the main reasons spouses divorce is cheating on one of them, everything is not so unambiguous. Your marriage may be one of those relationships that can be saved. So, what steps you need to take if you find out your wife cheated:
First step: give yourself time to recover from the shock.
Initially, once you find out about the cheating, you don’t need to jump to any hasty conclusions. Exhale and take a break. If necessary, distract yourself. The main thing is not to take any decisive action.
Step Two: Talk to a significant other/psychologist
It’s important to choose someone who knows how to listen, not give advice. You should speak out and get support. It is better if it is a specialist.
Step Three: Don’t squeeze negative feelings inside yourself
Forget the stereotype that men do not cry. Albeit alone with yourself, but it is necessary. Maybe you want to scream, then it is better to choose a suitable place for this, where you do not scare anyone. You can express your feelings on paper. In any case, no matter what you choose, you should not suppress pain, anger and resentment in any case. But also to throw out all your negativity on those around you too should not.
Step four: analyze the situation
Only after the first three steps can be calm and balanced thinking about what to do if your wife is cheating. Analyze the reasons that led her to this action, what you did not notice in her changed behavior, where you both made mistakes, whether there is still love between you. And only then proceed to the final decision: leave or try to save the marriage.
Fifth step: make a decision.
First, you don’t have to forgive your unfaithful spouse. Second, marriage is a team, and it’s up to both spouses to work on it. So if you’re not willing to forgive and work on the relationship, you shouldn’t try to save the marriage. If you love her, are serious about change, and feel you can forgive your spouse, “cutting from the shoulder” is not an option. But in that case, how should you proceed? How to save the marriage? To figure this out will help you psychologist’s advice.
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How to save a marriage
Of course, saving your marriage doesn’t depend on you alone. But you can make your own significant changes that will help you both feel mutual warmth and closeness again. So, what you need to do to restore trust with your spouse:
As painful as it is, this is a basic necessary step. Unfortunately, this is very difficult to do on your own. Therefore, it is recommended to work through your feelings with a psychologist (preferably a family psychologist).
Analyze your mistakes
You are not responsible for your wife’s actions, but you can analyze your own blunders that led her to cheat. Remember that you are interconnected: what you do reflects on her and vice versa.
Openly talk to her
Together to solve all the accumulated problems is much easier. So get used to discussing with his wife all their worries. When you learn to share your feelings with her, you will become much closer. The same goes for her experiences: listen to your spouse, support, do not ignore her in any way.
Do not stop respecting her.
Never bring up an old grudge or humiliate your wife because of her mistake. If you decided to stay with her, it means you care about her, and you made a decision to be with her, despite her cheating. So be consistent. Respect is one of the basic foundations of a marriage.
Give her the attention she needs.
If you remember, lack of attention is exactly what can lead to a woman cheating. So try to do everything so that infidelity on her part will not happen again. Remember why you fell in love with her, watch her every day, do not forget to note its merits. Give gifts, ask her out on a date. Make her feel loved by you, not a stranger.
Discuss sexual problems with her
Perhaps you and your wife had problems in intimate life: the lack of sex, or lack of it, dissatisfaction, awkwardness in the process. Then you need to discuss sex issues with her, and not just make any decisions alone. It’s time to get to know each other, because the restoration of your relationship depends on it.
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“Refresh” your marriage.
Do your best to make you and your spouse forget about the routine in your marriage. Do unexpected and pleasant things, organize various family events. Become an active presenter in your marriage, and you will see all resentments forgotten and your wife feel happy.
Express your emotions the right way.
And most importantly, on time. What will repressing negative emotions lead to? Only to a future explosion. Believe me, no emotion that has arisen goes anywhere. It stays inside a person if it is not expressed in time. So “do not drive to sin”: angry, resentful, annoyed, speak out immediately, before feelings do not merge into a huge snowball. But do not shout and do not be aggressive if you are a very temperamental man. Remain calm. Remember that the goal is not to hurt your spouse, but to tell her your dissatisfaction and try to find a compromise together.
Find something to do together.
You should have something to bond over (besides children, if you have any). This can be anything: start repairs in the apartment, house, at the cottage. Or choose a common hobby. The main thing is to unite to solve one problem. This brings people very close together. Just do not forget that during joint activities, arguments and quarrels can arise. Try to take them in a constructive direction.
Pay attention to any joyful little things in family life
Learn to enjoy family life. To do this it’s enough to notice all sorts of seemingly insignificant details. No matter what it will be: the child got an excellent grade in school, the spouse cooked a delicious meal, etc. There’s always a reason to be happy if you’re willing to see all those little things.
What to do if your wife is cheating you already know. Now the question is: how to act categorically forbidden, so as not to make things worse? So, you can’t:
- physically or emotionally harm your wife and/or children;
- Cheat back;
- blackmail the children;
- Involve other people in the situation;
All these actions will not only have a negative impact on your reputation, but can also lead to more unfortunate consequences. So behave with dignity. Infidelity is not the end of life. It can survive and move on or try to save the family.
So, you are now aware of what to do if your wife cheats. Statistics say that more often than not, even one adultery destroys a marriage. But remember, the decision to stay or divorce rests entirely on your shoulders (unless the wife herself intends to leave). Whatever conclusions you draw, no one has the right to judge you. It’s your life, your feelings, and you don’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations. Just in any case, do not do anything rash on emotion and “save your face”, because you have to live with him.