Why does a husband beat his wife?
Dear friends, Today’s article reveals the reasons why a man may raise his hand. In the article I write about three types of men who have this tendency. In the article, I give specific recommendations to both parties. The information is invaluable and has already helped many couples maintain and significantly improve their relationships! Enjoy reading it.
So, there are three types of men who can hit a woman: people with a special type of nervous system, psychopaths, men who consider such behavior acceptable.
And now more about each type with specific recommendations for both parties.
1. PEOPLE WITH PECULIARITIES OF THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
The first type is people with a special type of nervous system. These people are characterized by very agile excitation processes both at the muscle (body) level and at the emotion level. Who are these people in life?
The brightest representatives of this type are fighters of special forces, representatives of the Ministry of Emergency Situations.
These are the people who were ignited by emotion, did not have time to think over the action and took action.
Such people see that someone is drowning in icy water and, not having time to consider that he can save himself and die, rushes to the rescue.
Unlike them, people with prevailing braking processes at the level of the body (muscles) have time to judge how expedient this deed is, and will behave themselves not under the action of emotions, but under the action of reason.
So, if you or your close person’s excitation processes prevail at the level of emotions and body, you are an impulsive person, Action Man.
And if you have been thrown out of balance, you are prone to take actions that you will regret very much later.
Such a man could hit a woman under the influence of strong emotions and then very much regret what he did, ask for forgiveness, etc.
Recommendations to a man who has a highly excitable type of NS are as follows.
In cases of “boiling over”, it is necessary to sublimate the powerful energy caused by emotions.
To sublimate is to transfer instinctive forms of behavior into socially acceptable ones.
There are different ways to sublimate: you can slam your fist against the wall or write a poem.
So, in this case (an attack of anger and a desire to strike), it is necessary to apply the following algorithm of behavior:
1. The first thing is to use a time-out (a break).
Time out is the action between the stimulus (what caused the anger) and the reaction (hitting).
It can be a physical elimination from the situation: go to the bathroom, another room, outside, to the gym. It can be counting to 10. Or as one of my instagram blog followers @yakovleva_help wrote “you have to eat a barberry.”
Any action taken between the stimulus and the response – weakens the final response. The response is inversely proportional to the strength or time out. This is how our nervous system works: pure psychophysiology.
2. The second is living the emotion.
Taking advantage of the time-out, you have to live the emotion correctly.
The minimum is to say it out loud in private. As for anger, it is necessary to engage the muscles: either tense your fists, back muscles, cheekbones, feet to the floor, or perform action-punches. It is also necessary to find a place in the body for the emotion that has arisen, to concentrate on it and to breathe deeply through it.
My video on the YouTube channel Yakovleva Help, “Managing Your Emotions,” is detailed on how to properly process your emotions.
The result of following these recommendations is to weaken their strength from 8-10 points on a 10-point scale to 7 or lower.
When an emotion is above a score of 8, it controls our behavior. When it is lower, our mind controls our behavior.
For example, if we are afraid of flights at 8-10 points, we will not fly to Vietnam (though we really want to go to the sea), and will have a rest in Altai. If our fear of planes is less than 8 points – we can still make the flight.
So, if we used time out and lived the emotion, thereby weakening it to 7 points or lower – we will no longer do things we will regret, i.e. we will not strike!
Recommendations for people who interact with representatives of highly excitable types of nervous system.
One recommendation here is not to provoke.
Understand that these are mentally healthy people, but because of the congenital features of the nervous system (which cannot be changed) they are prone to affect: they commit actions under the action of strong emotions, not on purpose, not planning them in advance. Such people are even acquitted in court or the sentence is greatly reduced. Don’t rely on the fact that a person will read the above recommendations and instantly change, it is very difficult to begin to apply new patterns of behavior in life, not everyone is capable of it at a moment’s notice. It takes time. How often do you manage to eliminate your behavioral mistakes right away after realizing them? For example, to stop provoking your partner to excessive emotions. These are habits – and it takes time to “break the habit”. Both for you and your partner.
2. PSYCHOPATHS .
Psychopaths are another matter. A psychopath is a person who is mentally ill. A person with antisocial behavior. He plans a beating in advance. He does it coldly, calculatingly, consciously and with a specific goal – to humiliate, devalue. This person does not love himself, does not respect himself, although outwardly it is hardly noticeable. He is terribly afraid of being alone, and the only way he uses to keep his victim is to humiliate her physically and mentally. Through such behavior, he tries to show her that she is no one and no one but him.
Such people do not suffer pangs of conscience, feelings of guilt and a desire to beg forgiveness.
Such a person needs serious psychotherapy. Recommendations are useless here, because the psychopath does not realize that something is wrong with him or her.
Recommendations for the person interacting:
Stop interacting with such a person. This is the only thing that can motivate him to psychotherapy. Only after he or she has fully undergone therapy can he or she try to repair the relationship.
3. PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IS AN ACCEPTABLE FORM OF BEHAVIOR
Basically, these are naturally healthy people with absolutely different nervous systems, but with problems in upbringing. Such people, as well as representatives of the first type feel guilt and remorse. The state of excessive alcohol intoxication is often a trigger for physical aggression.
Basically, these are people who witnessed or were victims of regular physical abuse as children.
What strength the physical abuse was in childhood is demonstrated in the present.
I am not saying that all people who witnessed or were victims of violence will enforce this form of behavior in their families. On the contrary, a large proportion of such people are hypervigilant about physical aggression.
For example, a girl who saw her father beating her mother all her childhood, after the first time her partner did the same to herself, categorically breaks off the relationship, without even trying to figure out the reasons for his behavior. For her it is a huge unlived pain of childhood, she is not ready even for a millimeter to face it.
So, if you recognize yourself in this type – you show aggression because you witnessed physical abuse as a child – the following recommendations are for you:
1. 1. First of all, you have to work through your past traumas: the terrible things you had to witness. As a result of this work you will forgive your abusers or at least these memories will fade, you will let them go. From that moment on, they will lose their power. You will stop showing physical aggression.
You can work through yourself with the help of my article “How to overcome panic, anxiety, fear?” or with the help of a qualified specialist.
2. Secondly, this is work with arising anger, in the burst of which you can make inadequate actions – read the first point and my video on YouTube channel Yakovleva Help “Management of emotions”.
If you recognize your partner in this type, then here is one recommendation for you – you need to severely curb this behavior.
Let me explain with an example from life.
This case was told to me by my uncle, who worked in the criminal investigation department. One day I got a call. A man had gotten drunk and beaten his wife, and she called my uncle for help.
He arrived. The man wasn’t home. My uncle asks the woman why she won’t separate. She replies that the man threatened to kill her in this case. The uncle laughed and said that he would not kill her, but that he had to give him a warning: “Next time he tries to kill her, take the frying pan and beat him as hard as you can, so that he has no mercy!
Six months later, the woman calls him in tears and tells him that she did what he recommended and that her husband was just taken to the hospital by ambulance. She was very much worried that he would not die. The man recovered and has never raised his hand to his spouse since.
A very similar episode is described in the book “Father Arseniy” – those who wish may read it for themselves.
I am not urging everyone to grab frying pans and fight back at their husbands, I am saying that this behavior should not be encouraged. Inaction in this case is a form of encouragement.
It is imperative that you reinforce this habit (the habit of raising your hand) in a negative way. You can call the police, push them out the door, call the neighbors, don’t talk for a week, etc. The more categorical your rebuff is, the better it will work. It will work because that is how our nervous system works: we reinforce negative behavior positively – it forms and becomes a habit, we reinforce it negatively – it “becomes habitual”.
That’s all, dear friends! I hope that was useful! If you have any questions – ask in the comments – I’ll answer them all with pleasure!
P.S. Type of nervous system, about which I write in the first paragraph of the article, you can determine with the help of a unique, having no analogues in the world, hardware-software complex “PROGNOZ-SIGVET”, see the help in SELF-REALIZATION.
Tags: relationship marriage save marriage man beats psychopath beating
What to do if a husband beats his wife: Tolerate or leave?
Why does a once caring and loving man turn into a violent, dangerous man who terrorizes the whole family? Whose fault is it that the husband beats his pregnant wife, mocks her feelings, drives her crazy? Many women of the fair sex suffer from such relationships in the family. Husbands swing their fists, insult, humiliate not only their wives, but also young children. At first, this is perceived as an accident – accumulated stress and other troubles, but soon such behavior becomes the “norm”, and women fall into despair.
Some of the unhappy wives continue to suffer and forgive their tormentor husbands even after bruises under the eyes and other injuries. Remember the proverb: If a husband beats his wife, it means he loves her. They are ready to blame themselves, believing that they made a mistake by not being able to comfort, help, and caress in time. Wives believe their husbands’ vows that he will never do that again. Women continue to hope and live in fear of more beatings.
He beat her, he beats her, and he will beat her. As a rule, if a man ever laid a hand on his woman, it will happen again and again. A moral barrier breaks down when they suddenly realize that it is okay to hit without being punished or rebuffed. There are rare cases where the husband does realize what he has done, repents, and does not make the same mistakes, if he acted in a state of affect. Although even this also does not exonerate him.
Aggressive men: who should be avoided.
Men who raise their hand on their wives, conditionally divided into two types: “pit bulls” and “cobras”. The first type, “pit bulls”, is the most common. They gradually wind up their own rage, tormenting their wives with sarcastic remarks and insults. Husbands “turn on” themselves to the point where they can lash out and hit. Typical dog behavior.
Such men are most often psychologically dependent on their wives. This is no longer love, but a disease born of the desire to humiliate and put the loved one in his place. The wives of such men have to watch their every gesture, look and word, so that God forbid they do not awaken aggression in them. Such families wall themselves off from friends and relatives and live in complete isolation, alone with their problems.
Male “cobras” are much rarer, but their behavior is difficult to predict. They do not need to inflame themselves; on the contrary, they attack silently and unexpectedly. At the time of the strike, they have a completely calm, even absent look. Neither their temperature nor their blood pressure rises. At the slightest excuse, they beat their wives to a pulp in cold blood. They beat despite your well-being or position. It’s easy to raise your hand against a pregnant woman.
These are very dangerous and violent men, although it is easier to redirect their rage into a calmer direction. After realizing that the victim does not respond to his bullying, they can find another object to relieve their irritation. But do not be happy about this: such a source can be your family, loved ones and even children.
Why does the man loose his hands?
The idea that all members of the fair sex, suffering beatings from men – shy, submissive and reserved, not always true. More often than not, wives are actively involved in the altercations themselves, hurting, insulting and even beating their partners. To their credit, all this happens in response to their husband’s threats.
Just like men, they are quick to light up and become aggressive even over nothing. Women lose their heads and turn on their husbands even more, which leads to fights. And while men are fighting for power in their home, women are fighting for life.
So what happens to men? Why does the husband beat his wife? How do they become tyrants and who is to blame? There is an explanation for everything. And the origins should be sought in the past (childhood, previous relationships, etc.). A man doesn’t become a tyrant and sadist from nothing.
- Childhood psychological trauma
The most common case is the memory of the father’s behavior in his own family. If your husband had the same problems with his parents as a child, the likelihood of abuse in his own family is very high. As a young boy, he watched in horror as an angry father humiliated and beat his mother. He suffered deeply from fear and injustice and swore to himself that he would never in his life allow himself to be like his father. Nevertheless, this pattern of behavior is the only thing he has learned since childhood. He simply does not understand how to resolve the conflict in any other way, which is why he repeats his father’s actions on a subconscious level. If your young man is from such a family, and he is already beginning to show signs of aggression – persuade him to go to a psychologist. Explain the complexity of the situation, tell him how much you love him and how you do not want your child to see what he had to see.
If your spouse has a desire to keep the marriage loving and strong, he or she will probably agree to your proposal. Unfortunately, though, this only works if your husband is pulling on his own behavior and wants to change himself. Be vigilant, as long as you can fix it. If he has already beaten you at least once, it will be harder to heal your loved one. Plus, you will need to forgive him. But will you be able to do it?
How many families in Russia suffer from this disease! The husband drinks and beats his wife, being in a deranged state for most of his life. Sometimes a woman begins to numb her grief in alcohol with him, unable to find a way out and preferring to forget herself from mental and physical pain. And two drunken spouses in the family is a disaster that destroys everything in its path.
Even if a woman doesn’t drink, she still falls out of life and is completely dependent on what state her husband is in. The eternal expectation of whether he will come home drunk or sober, whether he will snap one more time or leave her alone. The psyche of alcoholics is disturbed, they are unable to control their own behavior, their actions are inadequate. Most domestic injuries and murders occur precisely at the moment of alcohol intoxication.
Treat these people is very difficult, but if you want to save the relationship and return her husband to a normal state – is worth a try. The main thing is to try to solve this problem together. If the man does not have a sincere desire to quit drinking, then nothing will work. All the advertised means that allow to remove alcohol dependence without the knowledge of the patient – myths and fairy tales of marketers.
Remind him of the best thing that was in your life together. Try to convince him that you need him healthy and adequate, that you and your children do not want to suffer anymore. Explain that if the husband beats his wife and abuses her, everyone in the family suffers.
If the degree of alcoholism is not too advanced, your spouse may decide to get treatment and quit drinking. If, however, the physiological and mental addictions are so high that they become an instinct, he is more likely to choose the bottle over his family. In that case, take care of yourself and your children’s health, and stay away from the alcoholic
- Humiliated and Abused
Another example of a tyrant husband is a man with low self-esteem. He is unlucky all around, people treat him derisively, he is not respected and not appreciated by the collective. Not being able to satisfy their, as a rule, high ambitions, such men pour out all their negativity at home – on the closest and loving people. Here they definitely can not get a well-deserved rebuff and finally rise in their own eyes. The main thing is superiority, at least over weak women and children.
They need proof of their “dominance” in the house like air, because that is the only way they are worth something in their own eyes. They take revenge for insults, for disrespect, for making fun of themselves. Ordinary losers, unable to realize themselves in life, trample into the mud of their loved ones and relatives. That’s how they live. He is an energy vampire.
If your husband is a tyrant of this type, then immediately get rid of him. Egoism incurable, promises to improve – a lie. Do not become a punching bag for the man who wants to raise his personal self-esteem in this way. He is just as likely to continue to beat you as he is to continue to beat you.
A husband who beats his family can be a man who was very spoiled as a child. He got used to the fact that all around indulge his desires, any of his “want” – the law of life for others. The person just can not understand why his wife does not immediately comply with all of his requirements and does not stand at attention when he approached. Not getting what they want, such people can fall into uncontrollable aggression and long “punish” loved ones for the offense inflicted.
Not accustomed to independence since childhood, they demand from their wives what they cannot do themselves. This is not only the men’s work at home, but also dealing with financial and household issues. Treason, as a rule, they do not consider a sin – because these “wonderful people” allowed absolutely everything! And if suddenly the wife decides to tell them what to do, you just need to teach them a lesson and show them who the boss of the house.
Lovely women, if your husband is like that man – run away without looking back. No love is worth such mental and physical pain. And if you have children – protect them from mental trauma, give them an opportunity to grow up decent, happy people!
What women tolerate bullying and humiliation
Why is the fair sex willing to forever forgive their abusive husbands and be there for them? What is it – the fear of loneliness or incomprehensible masochism? Is love so blind that it allows them to shackle themselves to a lifetime of humiliation and pain?
- Naivety or Greed
As mentioned earlier, women think, “When my husband beats me, this is how he shows his feelings.” This tale has long since lost its relevance. Once upon a time, our great-grandmothers married by arrangement of their parents, not even seeing the groom before the wedding. And they lived their entire lives together, whether it was a successful marriage or a miserable existence. If divorce was impossible, then the proverb: “A husband beats his wife, it means he loves her” was a salvation and an explanation of what was going on. What about now?
Even now, despite propaganda against violence, women are convinced that battering is the norm in almost every modern family. After all, neighbors and relatives also have scandals. The husband beats them and then repents, presents them with flowers, gold, diamonds, and vows that it was the last time.
It comes to the fact that some wives see their husbands as a split personality: the kind and with flowers is considered real, and the aggressive and with fists – by accident, illness, circumstances. By the way, sometimes the fair sex subconsciously begin to provoke the spouse to give him gifts the next day. But, unfortunately, in such cases, fights happen more and more often, and apologies – less and less often.
- Suicide Threats
Sometimes men blackmail their wives that they will kill themselves if they leave them and leave. Often these words do not contain a real threat, it is just an excuse to keep you always with them and be able to control you. Plus, women become compliant and become afraid of even their own shadow. Who wants to be the cause of someone else’s death, even if that person brings moral and physical pain.
To live in constant fear and tension, to fear for the possible death of a loved one “through your fault” – is this what you expected when you got married? If you give in to such blackmail, you will forever be a guilt-free and deeply unhappy woman. And after a couple of decades, such a “male” can leave for another, and you will be left with nothing. Because of constant worrying and nervous breakdowns you sooner you will begin to gray hair, wrinkles and loss of luster in his eyes. Do you need this?
Do not feel sorry for your husband, be a femme fatale – give him the opportunity to do as he thinks necessary. Only a few are capable of taking such a terrible step as suicide. The most they can do – fake an attempt to keep you on a short leash. Otherwise, they only develop guilt and despair in their wives. By the way, all suicidal people are put on the psychiatric register. And in some cases it will be very hard for him, especially if he wants to change jobs or get personal transportation. Don’t forget to tell your spouse.
Many women believe that the tyrant dad – it’s better than no father at all. Here they are sorely mistaken. Seeing the constant scandals and fights between parents, the children’s psyche is deeply traumatized. This is dangerous for boys, because when they become adults they copy their father’s behavior in the family. It is hard for girls – in the future to create a family they will subconsciously look for violent men, similar to their father.
In the end, the tyrant will ruin not only your life, but also that of innocent children. Sometimes, husbands raise their hands even on them, which cannot but affect the mental and physical health of the kids. Did you know that most juvenile murderers are convicted of killing fathers who beat their wives and children? And public opinion condemns the mother in all of this for not shielding her child from such a “loving” and “caring” father.
- Material Dependence
One of the most common reasons why wives do not leave their battering husbands is financial dependence. They have nowhere or nothing to live on. This situation often occurs in families where wives either do not work or receive a very small salary. What to do if your husband beats you in this case? Despite such difficulties, if desired, you can find a way out. Ask for help from family and friends, explain the situation and ask for help. You will definitely support and help you get through the first time, until you find a job.
Understand that the children’s safety is also in your hands. Many successful, financially independent women have also started from scratch. And have been in similarly dire circumstances (if not worse). And if they were able to rise to the occasion, so can you. Right?
Aggressive husbands are a twenty-first century problem
If you’re still pondering whether to continue living a life of torment, or if you think that a hitting husband is your karma, consider the following information:
- In Russia, a woman is killed by her husband or cohabitant every 40 minutes. Each year the terrible number ranges from 12,000 to 14,000 people;
- The risk of being killed by a stranger in our country is a whole order of magnitude lower than in your own family;
- Every day every 36,000 women are beaten by their husbands and cohabitants;
- More than 50,000 children run away from home to escape their parents’ beatings;
- Approximately 2,000 children die each year. The reason – they were beaten by a parent.
Perhaps this data will encourage you to make the right decision and help you understand whether it is worth living with someone who is a threat to you and your loved ones.
When an adequate man can raise his hand
A real man should never, under any circumstances, raise his hand to a woman. This is a rule that every member of the strong sex should know. But, as always, there are exceptions. A young man can strike if, for example, his life is in danger. This is laid at the level of instinct. Aggression is shown if the same is true for his children. So you should not throw yourself at your husband with a frying pan or at your children with a belt. The consequences can be sad.