10 reasons why a woman puts up with a man who destroys her
Here’s why a woman can tolerate a man’s horrible attitude.
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She thinks she deserves to be treated badly
Sometimes a woman may feel so guilty about what she has done in the past that she feels she deserves terrible treatment from other men. Sometimes, a woman may feel that she is not doing well enough in the relationship, and that is why her man has every right to treat her badly. However, this kind of thinking can be very unhealthy. No one ever deserves to be treated badly in any romantic relationship.
She thinks everything is her own fault.
She thinks that all relationship problems are her fault, and therefore it’s okay for her to have a man treat her so badly. She thinks that everything bad in their affair is the result of her actions, choices, and decisions.
She thinks she can’t find someone better.
The woman understands that she is being mistreated. She also realizes that she doesn’t deserve to be treated so horribly by the one she loves. But she doesn’t want to leave him because she’s not sure she’ll find someone better than him. She fears that another man will be no better, and maybe even worse, than the last one, and she chooses to endure bad treatment from him.
She believes that her love can still change a man.
She is an optimist. She truly believes in the power of love, that love can change people. She knows that her man is rude and awful. She knows that her man does need some work on himself. But she hopes that her love for her man will be enough to inspire and motivate him to become a better man.
Because of her love, she turns a blind eye to the man’s bad attitude
She loves him too much to see his negative side. She loves him too much to see his terrible ways and tactics in the relationship. She loves him too much to recognize the fact that he just treats her badly.
She thinks that if she is needed, she is loved.
She loves to care for those who are close to her. And she thinks that when people accept her love – they love her back. However, this is not always the case. Often she can just be used and take what she gives without feeling any love for her or giving anything in return.
She doesn’t realize that she is being mistreated because of bad experiences in the past
Such a woman may well have had very serious relationship problems in the past. Most likely, she has been treated horribly. Therefore, she has nothing to compare it to. A relationship in which she is not treated as harshly as she was before seems like happiness to her already. But the truth is, she is still in a terrible relationship. She is still in an aggressive and toxic relationship environment. She just thinks it’s okay because it’s so much better than it used to be.
She desperately needs love, even if it hurts her
She just wants to be in a loving relationship, even if it hurts her inside. Nevertheless, she does not know that true love is not really painful. But she doesn’t see the difference. She thinks love is painful – and she is willing to tolerate any relationship desperately.
She fears loneliness too much.
Sometimes a woman can be really dependent on the man with whom she is in a relationship, even if he abuses her and makes her unhappy. She may be holding on to him because of the financial stability he provides her, for example. Or maybe she just feels she can never live alone. Even if the relationship makes her uncomfortable, she feels even more uncomfortable being alone.
She ties her value to a man.
This woman may feel like a failure or completely worthless when she is not in a relationship with a man. She thinks everyone around her will judge her for being alone. She’s afraid that everyone will think she’s unattractive and that’s why she couldn’t find a man. That’s why she clings to relationships that make her miserable-she’s too afraid of what people will say if she’s not in a relationship.
Why women tolerate domestic violence and humiliation – a psychologist’s opinion
You dreamed of a beautiful family life, imagined how you would live happily ever after, knowing no troubles or sorrow with a man with whom you already have a lot in common. But in an instant, all your dreams and hopes are shattered by his disgusting act.
However, a small amount of time passes, the pain subsides, and you are once again ready to indulge in dreams and make further plans for life with your tormentor. Let’s try to understand why women tend to forgive those who hurt them.
Why women tolerate domestic violence and humiliation
When you see from the outside a couple in which a man mistreats his chosen one, you always think, “How can she tolerate such an attitude?!” However, this is just an outsider’s view. When you find yourself in the vortex of such events yourself, you get lost and don’t know how to do the right thing.
A woman meets a man, the bells usually ring at the beginning. Somewhere he behaved too rudely, somewhere too emotional outburst. But in the beginning it seems minor, because, by and large, the relationship is filled with love, passion. There is no time for critical evaluation.
But when the relationship becomes more intimate, and it would seem that the two people grow into each other and should form a relationship of trust and kinship, things happen that turn a woman’s mind upside down.
This can happen at a time of a quarrel or while intoxicated or even just at a time when the man is in a bad mood. He utters words that humiliate his chosen one, even worse if he allows himself to raise his hand against her.
At that moment the peace and tranquility crumbles inside, the one that she has so long and diligently built. And even in moments of crisis and misunderstanding, she was sure that together they could cope with any difficulties.
And if everything turns over inside, then why does the woman come to forgive again and again?
- Echoes of the behavioral patterns of our ancestors.
The upbringing that has been handed down to us from generation to generation is imbued with a reverence for man, great humility and patience. Our grandmothers, our great-grandmothers, no matter what was going on, tried not to take the rubbish out of the house. And they were lenient towards their husbands’ behavior.
Even now it’s possible to hear from people of that generation: “Well, he’s a man, he can raise his hand against his wife, cheat on her. They are all like that. It is good that modern women have become more adequate in their understanding of real feelings and love.
When they say that the victim attracts the rapist, no matter how horrible it may sound, but there is some truth in this phrase. If a girl grows up in a family where the father is violent towards his family members, that is when the role of the victim is formed in her. It happens unconsciously.
Why women endure domestic violence
Unfortunately, in adulthood, she will want to get into a relationship with a man who will do to her what her father did. As a child, resentment towards all men is formed and at the same time the inability to control her life and change anything is reinforced. Especially if the girl’s mother has endured violence for a long time.
- A woman explains a man’s behavior to herself.
After strong emotions comes a certain emptiness, it is at the moment of devastation a woman begins to try to understand why this happened to them. And almost always finds an explanation. Perhaps she herself provoked it, or perhaps the stress of failures at work so affected the behavior.
Either way, the reason she chooses to explain it, she begins to see it as a true trigger and believes sacredly in what she herself has come up with. A “loving” woman is capable of justifying any man’s behavior.
- Low self-esteem.
Insecurity in herself, in her own strengths, restrains a woman hand and foot. She becomes so dependent on her partner that she just don’t have the strength to decide to break up. She is ready to tolerate the lowest behavior. It seems to her that she simply is not worthy of another relationship.
Women like stability, constancy. Change scares them. You do not know what will happen next, what fate has in store for you, will you be able to be happy again, who will need you with children? There are a lot of questions in my head.
It is the uncertainty that deters women from acting decisively and encourages patience and resignation. It is better to endure, close your eyes and hope, than to step into the abyss of their fears and phobias.
- Material dependence.
If a woman does not work or get a little, is formed material dependence. She is born with the installation that she has to endure, because the “loving” man tries so hard to support them. He does everything so that his family doesn’t need anything.
The man is also able to feed her beliefs. Typically his behavior, which shows disrespect, prejudice, phrases about how she is incapable of anything, exacerbates the victim’s fears. She begins to believe that she can’t cope without her man.
Yes, there are times when wild fear drives a woman. This usually applies to couples in which the man is particularly violent. He is hysterical, impulsive, constantly threatening the victim, capable of unforeseen actions. The fear in which she exists paralyzes her, she stops taking any initiative at all.
What to do if there is violence and humiliation in your relationship
You may have noticed that in the context of the topic under discussion, the words “loving” and “loving” are used with quotation marks. Why so? Well, it’s because love is a light feeling that has no place for pain, fear, worry, humiliation, or beatings.
Everything else is a sick relationship that is built on trauma, crippled souls, fears, and a total lack of faith in oneself. They are defective relationships in which the person who is hurting is hardly even aware of how “ugly” and deeply unhappy he is.
To stop the vicious circle and get out of such a relationship, you will have to take the following steps:
It is important to understand that you can not exist in such a relationship. But you have to understand this not superficially, but really appreciate that the problem has reached large proportions, especially if the act of domestic violence has been more than once.
- Prepare the ground for leaving.
If you do not know where to go and put up with your tyrant, you should realize that life is much more valuable and you should start preparing to leave. It is possible to go anywhere, the most important thing is not to waste your life on the person who does not appreciate you.
Maybe the first time to try to accumulate a safety cushion. Save money, look for rental housing or make an agreement with friends, relatives, that you will live with them temporarily. You are scared now, but believe me, after a while you will be happy that you made this brave step.
- When you are mentally ready, leave without looking back.
You shouldn’t give it a chance and come back, nothing will change. If you’ve already made up your mind, walk away. You don’t even have to inform the person in person of your decision. His aggressive reaction can cross the line.
- Cut all ties.
It is not necessary to constantly communicate with the already former chosen one. His behavior, words will only put moral pressure on you and will not allow you to heal from all the horror you have experienced. If you have children and you have to talk about issues related to them, speak clearly on the subject, or let him communicate and negotiate, for example, through your parents.
- Work with a therapist.
Be sure to see a specialist. You need help to get through all of this. Working through the trauma that led you into this relationship will be an important part of your psychotherapy. The most important thing is to not let this kind of history repeat itself.
When this kind of relationship is just a memory, you will realize how much your life means, how unfair and cruel the people who try to control other people’s destinies are. And how free and unique you are, if you realize it in time.