“Love has nothing to do with it”: why do men change?
We offer you a male perspective on the problem. Meet the version of Steve Harvey, best-selling author of books on the relationship of the sexes.
For most women, cheating is unthinkable and unforgivable…You assume that if you’ve told him “I love him,” the least your man can do is respect the most sacred thing to you – fidelity. He may lie (from time to time), fail at housework and parenting, not make as much money, pay more attention to his friends and his mother than he does to you, and when it comes to bed, turn out to be a mediocre lover. But as soon as a man cheats on a woman, the ground opens up. Women can take a lot, but not cheating. And what about us men? We understand that…yet we do it. Why? Men cheat because.
Men look at sex differently than women do. For many of you, sex is emotional – it’s an act of love. But for men, sex is not necessarily about emotion or meaning. It’s easy – very easy for a man – after having sex, to go home, wash up, and act like nothing happened.
Sex for us is just a physical act–love has absolutely nothing to do with it.
They think they can get away with it.
Sure, men think about the risk of being caught cheating. But for the most part, men have love affairs with the absolute certainty that they can get away with it, and certainly with the certainty that if they do get caught, they will acquit themselves. We are quite sure that it is more important for you to stay with us and our imperfection than to go off and live alone. At least, that’s what we hope. And that’s how it is at first. But as soon as your suspicions turn into “Word and Deed,” we begin to lie and deny. That’s in the case if we care about you.
And if not – if a man sees that you don’t fit into his life plan, he won’t even try to hide anything and make excuses after he’s caught red-handed. He’ll just tell you that he’s sleeping with another woman because…
He hasn’t become what he wants and needs to become, or he hasn’t found the one he really wants
You may think that’s an excuse, but it’s reality. How many times have you met a man who said, “When I make enough money, I’ll think about commitment” or “here, I’ll get this promotion and settle down”? This guy is still trying to fulfill himself, and while he’s moving in that direction, he’s not going to get distracted by a relationship with you. He’s telling himself that he just doesn’t have time for it – it’s not an end in itself for him.
That’s why his behavior will be so slippery.
The same can be true for a married man with children. A mature man who understands who he is and is satisfied with what he does and how much he earns probably has his life organized correctly; he has become what he wanted to be and has prioritized his priorities in the following order: God, family, education, business, and everything else. But if family doesn’t come second on that list, problems arise-he will devote himself to his priorities in the order in which he placed them.
What happens at home doesn’t happen the way it used to
That’s right: it may have some bearing on you. Your man may go around muttering that your relationship no longer has the same spark, that you no longer excite him as you used to – that you no longer make the same impression on him as you once did. You know how it is: the two of you feel good about each other, you start living together, have kids, buy a house, and then get buried in utility bills and parenting, go to work and try to keep up with others in the pursuit of success; by becoming a family, you’ve joined the race.
And then the man sees that the woman who used to dress up, using some tricks to excite him, is not as interested in it as she was in the beginning of acquaintance. And the sex becomes boring; she comes home from work, where she put on her pretty skirt and high-heeled shoes and makeup and everything else, and throws it all off before she gets to the bedroom door. And now, after a long day at work and even more housework, she goes to bed in a headband and a T-shirt, ready to shoot you if you only try to cast a lustful glance at her.
In other words, the house has become a chore. And this man lacks the spark that used to be there. You have changed. (He knows he’s changed, too, but we’re not talking about him, we’re talking about you.) There may also come a sense that you no longer appreciate him as much as you used to. Words of gratitude are said less often, there are many arguments – it’s like a vanity waking up with you in the morning and clinging to you at night. And your family no longer looks like the very family he agreed to live in. And if he’s not getting what he bargained for, he’s more likely to go left and find it somewhere else, because you know what? He knows he can always find it somewhere else, especially because.
There’s always a woman willing to cheat with him.
That’s a truth women don’t want to admit. Imagine if every woman said: “You’re married – I can’t do it with you.” Do you know how many marriages and relationships would be saved today? Men are able to cheat because the mass of women are willing to give themselves to a man who doesn’t belong to them. Of course, sometimes these are deceived women who just don’t know that the man is already engaged. More often than not, however, these women know that they are sleeping with a married man.
Text: Steve Harvey, excerpted from Act Like a Lady – Think Like a Man, published with cuts
Why do men cheat? The top 6 reasons according to men
You have to write in a way that you can’t help but be read. I think I have the magic of words.
The expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For eight years I have been saving “family units” from collapse. I help couples regain love and understanding.
Infidelity loved one – it’s a hard blow to any, even the strongest relationships. Most of all hurt when a man cheats. After all, he is a mainstay for the whole family, a protector and provider. Women who perform the role of housewives and raise children, there is no one else to rely on in their lives, with the exception of some relatives.
Why do men cheat when they are in a strong, long-term relationship? It often comes as a surprise, especially if there are few or no problems or disagreements within the family.
Several sociological surveys have been conducted among married and single men to find out the real reasons for cheating on their part. Some particularly detailed their motives for this unpleasant and dangerous act for the relationship.
But in fact, the reasons for men’s cheating are only in some cases different from women’s cheating. They are mostly committed under the influence of family problems and the hard life of men in Russia.
Cheating keeps a relationship together
The most common reason men decide to have sex on the side is the weakening importance of family life. Over many years of marriage, all the feelings that originally brought two people together often disappear. The marriage itself turns into something akin to a job, where everyone performs the duties assigned to them without having any special feelings for them.
Greyness, boredom, monotony and depression begin to reign in the relationship. Both spouses understand the situation, but can not do anything about it and the situation is gradually worsening. But if a man cheats with another woman, getting a charge of pleasure, joy and happiness, he goes home and shares this joy with others. In some cases, according to respondents, it is cheating that strengthens and saves relationships from falling apart.
Here is what one of the respondents, named Maxim, says about this:
“It is rare to find a relationship where feelings do not die down. All of my acquaintances live together simply by inertia, just like me. Home, work, home. Jogging in the morning, a couple of hours at Tanks in the evening. Before I started cheating, I felt like everything was slowly going to hell. It was like my wife didn’t notice me, did everything on automatic, all we talked about was domestic problems.
But then one day I did it, I cheated, and I felt no remorse. I came home smiling, and my wife smiled when she saw me. For the first time in months. I don’t blame her for stopping to like me, I’m good at that too. But that doesn’t mean that a lack of feelings should make a family fall apart. And so things started to work out for us.
The wife does not want sex or does not satisfy the man in bed
It happens that a man is simply dissatisfied with his woman in an intimate way. This may be due to various reasons. Between spouses may not be the right level of trust and a man can not realize with his wife her most cherished fantasies. Or the woman is too busy taking care of the house, taking care of the kids or work, and she just does not have the energy for sex.
Or over the years the man is no longer sexually attractive to her and her wife no longer wants sex. In this case, the man is experiencing a severe lack of physical intimacy, which leads to a deterioration in his mood, well-being and can cause depression. In such a case he can easily decide to cheat, constantly reminding himself that his wife still does not want or cannot satisfy.
Andrew, one of the participants in the survey, told the following story:
“Here you ask, why do men cheat? Most of us banal not enough of the sex that we get from spouses. My wife has the exact same problem, and we’ve discussed it many times. We both know we need to work on our relationship to keep it going as long as possible. But if I’m willing to give it my all, both at work and in bed, she’s not. But I enjoy talking to her, she continues to take care of me, but we don’t get along with sex.
What else should I do? Masturbate? I found a girlfriend who apparently also lacks sex, and we occasionally go out just for a one-night stand. I don’t consider it serious or bad. It’s just so I don’t go crazy. And this way I come back healthy and satisfied, and my worries about the lack of sex just don’t affect my relationship with my wife and kids.
And how to get the passion back into a relationship when there is no sex with your wife, read on at the link.
Men can not control their desires
Some representatives of the strongest part of the world are not able to resist their natural polygamous tendencies. It is the most common, according to the public opinion, the cause of male infidelity. Moreover, men are convinced that nature itself dictates them to change partners for sex as often as they want.
Because of this, cheating can happen even involving men who were not predisposed to it before they took on this stereotype. It is also a way for many men to assert themselves and boost their self-confidence. A large number of partners is an indicator that a guy can interest almost any girl.
Even the presence of a permanent relationship is not capable of preventing such men from showing their natural tendencies for a long time. Some people think that this is normal, others think that it is unacceptable. But the fact is the fact, men often cheat just because they are not enough one partner.
One of the interviewees, Alexander, told how it happened to him:
“I have been cheating on my girlfriends all my life. Apparently, that’s the kind of person I am. I’ve always been told that I give in too much to my emotions, and that’s actually true. But things changed for a while when I got married. I decided for myself that I loved my wife very much and would never cheat on her, no matter how much I wanted to. I stayed in that mode for almost four years. After that I snapped. Being only with her was morally hard for me.
I was not particularly interested in sex with her, she suffered from it. But once I slept with someone else, I immediately regained my passion for my spouse. I wish I was in a relationship where I could sleep with any woman. I don’t see cheating just for sex as a bad thing. Thanks to sleeping with several girls, my sex life with my wife has normalized.”
Marrying too early
Early marriage is one of the most common causes of cheating among both men and women in Russia. Because marriage can solve many financial, housing, and other problems, people use it to make their lives easier. Or young people have become too infatuated with feelings new to them that they have taken falling in love as a reason to tie their lives into a real family as soon as possible.
As you can easily guess, such relationships are not capable of lasting long enough, and sooner or later one of the spouses will surely reflect on the fact that too soon he restricted his freedom, because he has not yet tried everything “interesting”. He has not had enough of it, as they say.
There is nothing surprising about such cheating. It’s rare to find relationships these days that began on the school or college benches, and continue for at least 10-15 years.
Artyom went through such a relationship and shared his experience during a sociological survey:
“A lot of relationships are made in time. But few of them last. But I thought I was special. And my girlfriend is special. And everything with us would be strong and long-lasting. But eventually, after two years, I realized we’d changed. Not that feelings had cooled off. But she was a different person. And I loved the person I met two years ago. Gradually we drifted apart, and I decided to cheat on her because I had met a new girlfriend.
My wife found out about it after a couple of months of our constant meetings with the mistress, and reacted rather coldly to it. As it turned out later, she was cheating on me too. I matured and realized that this was a very natural outcome for such a relationship. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her as a teenager.
Divorce is too hard
Many men surveyed by sociologists are aware that their marital relationship has outlived its usefulness. There are no former feelings, no passion, no interest. It would seem necessary to separate and go our separate ways. But the process of breaking up a relationship, especially if they have lasted several years, is too difficult. A lot of moral, financial and legal problems arise. It can lead to one of the spouses being restricted in communication with their children.
Or he will have to forfeit a significant portion of his property. Also, members of the male population may worry about the reputation they will have after leaving the relationship. At the same time, the prospect of being caught with a mistress scares them less for some reason. It is much easier for men to periodically meet with a “left” girl and maintain their current relationship than to deal with the consequences of their breakup.
The opinion of one of the survey participants, Victor, on this topic:
“I lived with my wife for almost twenty years. We had an ordinary relationship. Children, home, work. Now I feel that she has become distant from me. She has her own interests; she doesn’t talk to me very readily about her affairs. We don’t have dinner together. Of course, this is unpleasant. But what can I do? I can’t leave my family. If my feelings for my wife weakened, my children I still love.
A divorce can take away my ability to communicate with them as freely as I do now. I don’t need that. My mistress and I sometimes see each other and just sleep together. I keep her at a distance, she has no claim to anything, for she is in about the same situation. All my risks are reflected in her as well. And I don’t plan to leave my wife, it would significantly affect the lives of our children. I don’t want them to think I’ve abandoned them.
It was only a moment of weakness
Not all cheating is an extended encounter between a married man and his mistress. Often the sex occurs under random circumstances, of which there can be a huge number. That said, such infidelity will not be dangerous to the relationship. When does such infidelity occur? First of all under the influence of alcohol.
At a party, a birthday party, a picnic or a nightclub man can easily have too much to drink and succumb to the fleeting desire to “take that beautiful blonde right there in the nearest bathroom. Or the man is alone for too long because of business trips or other trips that he can’t take his spouse on. And at some point he meets a colleague who also suffers from loneliness.
One-time, no-strings-attached sex won’t hurt either of them, and both partners understand that. That’s why this cheating happens. It is possible, of course, to blame your man for his mistakes, the influence of circumstances, or carelessness. But such infidelity does not carry a serious danger for the relationship, unless of course it is blown up to the scale of a huge problem.
Daniel, one of the participants in the study, described how he committed such an affair:
“I had to go to the U.S. for about a month for work. I was sad without my wife for a long time, because I love her very much. And one of my colleagues from another country had the same feeling. In one evening we decided, “Why not?” We slept together. In the morning, it was business as usual.
No one talked about anything, but I felt terrible about giving in to the feeling. But my wife forgave me when I told her about it. She said that if I was really worried about it, it really was a momentary weakness and a mistake. All people make mistakes. Why should I be the exception in this matter?”
As can be seen from the answers of those interviewed, any infidelity has its reasons. If a woman suspects marital infidelity, she should not immediately blame her husband for everything. After all, he only does it because he lacks something at home. You need to look at yourself and understand what it is that does not suit your spouse.
Although sometimes there are situations where cheating by men is not a consequence of family problems or deficiencies in the wife, but simply the result of their unpleasant nature and the wrong perception of the relationship.