Why children do not obey their parents?

Why is a child disobedient?

What to do if a child is disobedient? It’s so convenient when a baby is small, sitting in a stroller, quietly examining the environment, and if he suddenly gets fussy, it’s only because he wants to eat or go to the toilet. But here your sweet and favorite child is growing up, and suddenly turns into a completely uncontrollable, at all having an opinion three years.

Good or bad, and how to be in this situation, parents, we’ll try to figure out. Why is not the child listens? The main reason that your, up to this point, obedient child, it became difficult to influence that the kid at three years begins to feel as a person. That is, he understands that he can have their own desires and feelings, his own opinion, and insists that all his “wants” to be executed. But his parents are used to something else. Before, the child was obediently following their instructions, allowing himself to dress, feed, take him out for a walk, etc. But now, often, and because of a kind of “test”, the baby can do everything contrary to their wishes: not to let them dress themselves, even if they are not able to fasten the button or zipper, to refuse food, because his mother does not let them eat, even though he was hungry, etc. The reason for the child’s disobedience may also hide in a desire to get the parents’ attention. If adults don’t have enough time for the child because of a busy schedule, their own problems or the arrival of a second baby, the child has to fight for the attention of mom and dad. Even scolding and yelling turns out to be preferable for the child than ignoring the adults.

Haphazard parenting is also a common cause of disobedience. Today it was forbidden to eat in front of the TV, and tomorrow it was allowed (if only not to interfere), his mother forbade him to play with the phone, and his grandmother quietly gave him one. As a result, the child draws conclusions: “You can’t” does not mean “absolutely not”, and behaves accordingly. Is it bad to have your own opinion?

If we’re talking about an adult, a person who has his or her own opinion, is able to defend it, and achieve what he or she wants – that’s a successful person who can achieve a lot. But in relation to a child, for some reason, the terms “naughty,” “unruly” come up. Yes, of course, a child who insists on his own, has desires different from those of his parents, becomes an “uncomfortable” child, it is no longer easy to make him do things he does not like. And it is easier for parents to forbid something or make them do it their own way, than to let the child decide for himself. But in this way, the baby just learns the world and himself, and who but not the parents should be his main helpers, while constantly helping, teaching and protecting? The child – not a piece of furniture, it should not be comfortable. An absolutely obedient child is an anomaly. And the more prohibitions surround the child, the more stubbornly he will look for a way to prove himself. But to allow the other extreme – permissiveness, of course, also impossible

There should be clear prohibitions for the child related to his safety and to generally accepted norms and behavior. How to help a child? It is up to the parents whether they will be able to find a common language with the child at this age, whether they will allow the child to show his or her independence within reasonable limits so as not to disturb him or her, and at the same time to create safe conditions for development and learning of the world. For this purpose, first of all, it is necessary to work out a unified educational system for all those who surround the child. That is, if one member of the family allows something, then everyone else should do it too. Because it will be easier for the child to understand that some things are allowed, and some things are forbidden. If Mom and Dad will do everything uncoordinated, then they will get a child who will not understand what he can, what he can not, and, accordingly, the kid will behave at his discretion, and it certainly does not please both parents. Secondly, in no case do not try to use physical force, because then you just scare the child, he will listen to you just out of fear that Mom or Dad, who loved him before, will hurt him. Yes, perhaps the baby and become “silky” after a whipping belt, but will he understand why he can not, for example, run up a steep hill or climb into the water without permission? And where a guarantee that he still will not try to do it, when mom and dad do not see, exposing themselves to danger?

No less destructive to the child and the desire of parents to help him in everything, or even do everything for a child. Some parents just overprotect the baby, while others do it because it is convenient. It is clear that none of the adults do not want to wait until the little fingers to cope with such a tricky zipper on his jacket, or the baby will eat for an hour, but independently. It’s easier to do everything for the child – and quickly, and cleanly, and most importantly not “stressed”, because he’s still small. But you do not give the child to develop, and give the installation that strives for independence harmful, because you better do everything for you all others. And then what kind of person will grow out of your “comfortable” child?

How to achieve obedience? It is very important to make your child understand that there are some things that you will not let him under any circumstances, there are things that you can do only when mom or dad is around, and there is something he can always do. A lot of things with three-year-olds can be translated into play. For example, a child does not want to get dressed in the morning for kindergarten. Mom can suggest the game “Race against Daddy” – who gets dressed faster. A competitive moment for children is a great stimulus to action. Playing can achieve a lot with the baby, the main thing is not to be lazy parents and include imagination. It is important to give the child the right to choose, or, sometimes, the illusion of choice: if it is time to go to bed, offer the child to choose with whom he will brush his teeth today: with mom or with daddy (or what book to read him before going to bed). The child will start to get ready for bed, even though there is no direct command to go to bed

Word is the main method. If you constantly talk to your child, explaining to him why you want him to do something or not do something, it will eventually produce a greater result than a simple ban or demand. Think about it, do we adults like categorical orders or bans that much? It is much more pleasant to get a reasonable request or a reasoned refusal. The same goes for a baby – he wants to know why, and if he does not understand, he will continue to do things his own way. Another thing is that you may have to explain and tell them dozens of times, because that’s what a child is, not to know or understand anything yet. And here it is very important that parents have patience, understanding and tact. With any child you can agree, the main thing is to be able and willing to do it.

Why children do not listen? 5 reasons – and 5 tips for parents

Disobedient child – it’s good! How dangerous is obedience

Olga Mahovskaya psychologist, Ph.D., senior fellow at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences

Perhaps there is no other time of year when adults and children in a typical family stay together for so long at home – we are talking about the New Year vacations. Preparation for the holiday is over, the New Year has rumbled on – and parents feel that they are already very tired of their child – because he does not obey. Why is it so hard for parents, what naughty children are and what to do with them?

Disobedient children: what did not please their parents? For such children to behave “normally”, adults have to make efforts: to restrain, control, repeat, deny, punish and warn. And that’s the point: we don’t want to strain ourselves raising children. It would be more comfortable for a child to be controlled, like a toy with a remote control.

So, developmental specialists are not inclined to sympathize with parents of disobedient children – on the contrary, they are alarmed by obedient, dependent on the parental will of children. In difficult or unusual situations, instead of mobilizing, they sour, lost, pass. They do not see this in the family circle. But when they come out in life, they show a very low level of adaptability and survive only in closed, strictly disciplined communities or in conditions of complete stagnation, when one day is like another.

Obedience often also means the absence of negative emotions in children: “good” boys and girls never get angry, responding obediently even to parental aggression. They are taught “not to disturb” parents and other important people, “not to cause problems”, “not to make them angry” and so on. Having grown up with strict taboos, they suppress positive emotions along with the bad ones. They don’t know how to rejoice and feel out of place even on their birthday.

Parenting style models the overall direction of the child’s personality and his degree of obedience. Authoritarian style, which gravitates today not only fathers, but also mothers, is to actively suppress the will of the child. In the beginning the child is literally trained. That is, they are forced to repeat commands many times until the performance reaches a high speed, so that there is no time to think. The problem of education is solved in the same way: don’t speculate on what is interesting and what is not, learn everything by heart if you don’t understand

The democratic style assumes, on the contrary, the right to vote and inclusion of the child in the activity. And though some things are not discussed as they are not included in the responsibility of the child, the basic format of communication of the parent and the child is not orders, but a meeting.

They also allocate a mixed style in which parents sometimes tighten the “screws” and sometimes loosen them. Children adapt to it as well, living their carefree life from “whipping” to “flogging”.

Situation 1: too smart

Seven-year-old Gosha’s parents are concerned: he does not always seem to hear when he is addressed. They checked his hearing – everything is normal. Gosha is the middle child in the family, but it is because of him that everyone cannot sit down at the table on time. In the morning Gosha makes a mess in the bathroom, hanging over the sink. He forgets to tie his shoelaces on the way to school, risking a fall. Even when spoken severely and loudly, he can nonchalantly mind his own business. Authorities have no effect on him. Never have you seen strong emotions on his face, neither fear nor joy. Is he healthy? Is it a form of autism or schizophrenia, or is it a form of mental retardation? And how to shake up the child?

The examination showed that Gosha, on the contrary, has a very high intellect and lively reactions. He actively participated in the conversation, called chess his favorite game, gladly and intelligibly told what he had recently read. The most interesting thing is that after two hours of talk Gosha was not only not tired, but, on the contrary, was very active and his interest in what was going on was clearly growing.

Disobedience turned out to be a consequence of the high intensity of cerebral activity and concentration on internal problem-solving. It would seem that parents should rejoice, but the mother was upset: “I need him to listen and together with the other children to comply with my requests. “.

Comment. Children with high intelligence are simply bored with routines. They can spend hours poring over a complex task, the kind that parents can’t always handle, either. Objectively they strive to take a “special” position, which irritates family members and contradicts the principle of equality. They do not respond to raise the tone if they see that the situation is not worth the nerves, and the parents are just trying to “push.

Situation 2: too little

The parents of three-year-old Sveta are exhausted: the girl does not seem to be thinking clearly. Attempts to talk to her, to explain what to do and how to do it, were almost in vain. The girl looked with her big beautiful eyes and smiled. And then she repeated the last word, as if teasingly. “Say what Mom just said. Well!” Silence. “Mom said in Russian to take off her shoes, put them neatly in the corner, then take off her coat. Hang it neatly on the coat rack. “

When the psychologist heard the long, multi-step instruction, she exclaimed: “Whoa! How does the little girl remember all this? She doesn’t understand why you’re telling her this at all, when you just have to do it all with her. Step by step!”.

Comment. Children may not listen, i.e., not comply, simply because they are unable to remember and understand the instructions. At the stage of concrete-imaginative thinking, i.e. until the age of 6, it is better to show how to do and to practice together with the child. Children do not yet have formed voluntary attention and verbal memory, but they remember the sequence of operations.

Address the child in a way that is appropriate to his level of understanding and confidence. Don’t shout across the room, he may not understand that he is the one being asked for something. Don’t use a pushy, “Why haven’t you done it yet? Do you really think your child will sit down in a chair and explain to you why he’s having trouble understanding and complying with certain requests?

Situation 3: too obedient

But the parents of seven-year-old Katya are concerned that it is never clear what the girl is thinking, what she wants. If you ask her to do something, she will do it silently. She never squeaks. Her mother never heard her loud, gushing laughter, except until she was about a year and a half old. It was surprising that even injustice from the adults did not cause resistance, disagreement. The neighbor was jealous: “A miracle, not a child!” And my mother felt bad: “Somehow she grew up unhappy. It’s like she put up with everything beforehand. ” Child psychologist concluded that there are reasons to be worried, but there are ways to “revive” the child.

Comment. A child with repressed emotions needs rehabilitation. He needs to be reminded how to experience these emotions, how to be happy, angry, surprised. This requires, first of all, that adults do not go home frowning and tense, as if waiting for the end of the world. If a child doesn’t see adults laughing, how can they learn? After all, a child simply copies the first reactions from adults.

Secondly, there should be a loyal attitude to children’s noise. Children never think of evil, they just don’t get everything right. If family members on all sides extinguish a child’s expression of feelings, how can he stand up to a group of adults?

Thirdly, there should be no taboo on expression of negative emotions – anger, resentment, irritation, crying. Under certain circumstances, this is absolutely appropriate behavior. There are even humorous games on development of negative expression: the child is dressed up in a suit of a negative character, and on his or her behalf, he or she can behave as unbridled as possible. If you join in, the child will be completely free of fear of being punished. There is also a game of funny “nicknames”: all participants in a circle throw a ball, thinking up unusual names to whom the ball flies: “You – cabbage! You are a hat! You’re a brick!”. This is a game of psychological rapprochement. After all, if we can show strong negative emotions in the presence of another person, it means we care about him or her.

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