Why a man insults the woman he loves: psychologist’s answer
Often the actions of a man in love can be explained logically. This applies to situations when a man insults a woman. The reason for this can be many factors, from low self-esteem to fear of losing the chosen one.
It is worth familiarizing yourself with the recommendations of psychologists, which will help to resolve the situation.
Psychology: why a man humiliates and insults a woman
Usually men with an unstable psyche, mental disorders, complexes, insecurity tend to insult a woman. They may have grown up in destructive families where the father humiliated the mother. At the heart of it is a difficult childhood.
To understand why a man humiliates and insults a woman, you need to understand all the nuances.
- Comfort. When a girl regularly tolerates humiliation, does not show dissatisfaction, the guy will continue to do it. In this way, he achieves self-assertion.
- Total power. Feeling superior to the weaker sex, a man through insults wins authority in the family, trying to subjugate a woman.
- Insecurity. When a man is weak in spirit, he seeks an easy way – to humiliate those who are weaker. The victim becomes a woman who can not fight back.
According to psychologists, a real man will never humiliate a woman, no matter who she is to him. Only morally weak guys will look for a “scapegoat”. This is how they satisfy their psychological complexes.
Attempts to assert themselves at the expense of a woman
It is important for every man to feel confident. Strong men are looking for a way to improve their self-esteem in achieving their goals, creating a strong family, building a career, making money.
Weak guys can’t accomplish goals. They find an easier way to gain self-confidence is to humiliate the weak. Wives or girls become the object of gaslighting.
Fear of Loss.
Many men are sometimes not guided by logic. This is evidenced by insulting a woman for fear of losing her. The man thinks that the periodic humiliation, he will be able to lower the self-esteem of his chosen, and she certainly will not go to a more worthy person.
The girl will believe that hardly anyone will pay attention to her and she should be content with what she has. She will become afraid of losing her partner.
A man with low self-esteem cannot morally endure a woman stronger than him in spirit. The girl who has everything in life, goal-oriented, confident in his abilities, he is just afraid.
He is afraid to “lose” in front of her. A man can not reach her level, which greatly gnaws at him. A weak guy finds nothing better than trying to lower the self-esteem of a successful girl.
Many men have low self-esteem, but few are able to admit it, at least to himself. Often they were in a relationship where a woman dominated, humiliated, pointed out, devalued.
By such actions, the former chosen one took away from the guy’s faith in himself. In the future, humiliated by a woman, men will mock, insult their chosen women.
Sometimes a man humiliates his chosen one because of his bad upbringing. Usually guys take the relationship between their parents as an example. They imitate their father. If the father constantly humiliated the mother, it is likely that the boy will behave the same way with his wife.
Inappropriate parenting is inherent in men who grew up in families where:
- the boy grew up only with his mother and grandmother , there was no male upbringing, as a result, he does not know how to behave with a woman;
- the father did not raise the child, or did not earn the authority in the eyes of his son, as a result, the adult boy denies the role of a man in the family;
- The father led an immoral life, drank a lot or used drugs, and the boy blamed his mother for that.
Boys who grew up in such families are not aware of family values. They don’t like to take responsibility, they’re used to blaming women for everything.
Some men suffer psychological trauma in childhood. They leave a mark on later life. Many guys remain contempt, even hatred of the female sex.
Usually this behavior is preceded by resentment against his mother. Perhaps the mother hurt, humiliated, beat her son, led an immoral lifestyle. As an adult, the guy “takes revenge” on all women, working off his childhood resentment.
Love and jealousy
Not all guys adequately show their feelings. Many have unhealthy feelings of love and jealousy of their chosen one. Such behavior is inherent in men who were cheated on by a girl in a previous relationship. They are wary of new partners are constantly suspicious of them.
Such men behave rudely, cruelly, humiliate and insult the girls. Psychologists believe that they are guided by the fear of losing the chosen one. Such men do not know how to control jealousy, often accusing women unreasonably in frivolity.
Character and behavior of the wife
At times, men can not control themselves, reacting excessively violent to female behavior. Not all partners are not suited to each other in character. Sometimes the cause of quarrels, and sometimes fights, is the girl.
This is especially true for women of the hysteroid type of character. Many girls insult, degrade male dignity, are the instigators of scandals. Not all guys can restrain their emotions. They react to provocation by getting into an altercation.
How to deal with aggression
Many women wonder how to behave with a man who regularly insults. Regardless of when this behavior began, you should try to talk to him in a calm tone. You should not humiliate your partner in return. It is worth trying to find out the reason for his inadequate behavior.
It is recommended to use these phrases: “Why are you so rude to me? Maybe I did something wrong?”, or – “I am offended by your insults. Let’s find a compromise?”.
Sometimes men behave aggressively because of underlying resentment. If you clarify the relationship in a calm tone, he will feel better morally, the insults will stop.
The response may also be aggressive. You need to prepare for the conversation by working through all the options.
- “Don’t make it up.” When the guy refuses to talk, does not want to maintain the conversation, it indicates the onset of a crisis in the relationship. It is necessary to break up with the partner, or to restore harmony, which is quite difficult.
- “I insulted you because …”. If the partner goes to contact, tries to explain his rudeness, it is a positive sign. He wants to share resentment, indignation. Let the man speak out, you should not interrupt him. After speaking out, you should apologize and try to improve the relationship in the future.
- “I’m sorry, I got angry.” This is the best way out of the situation. The man could not contain his emotions and lost his temper. Then, he will logically try to explain the inadequate behavior. This is what caring men who are able to admit guilt do. It is possible to forgive the partner a passing weakness.
Sometimes talking does not help, and the guy continues to insult.
This is explained by the following points:
- the man is used to the fact that his girlfriend tolerates everything, feels with impunity;
- the guy is a coward who wants to break up with the woman, but cannot tell her directly;
- This is an abuser who enjoys humiliating the girl, demonstrating complete domination.
It is better to stop relations with such types of men. Quarrels will be repeated, hand-to-hand violence is not excluded.
Advice from psychologists
When a man regularly humiliates, suppresses morally, not every girl will find the strength to figure out how to act further.
It is worth to heed the recommendations of psychologists.
- Engage in self-development. You can sign up for fitness, dancing, yoga, foreign language courses or find other hobbies. This will help you gain confidence in yourself.
- Never blame yourself. It can happen to any girl. No one is immune to a relationship with an abuser. The main thing is to end them in time and successfully.
- Don’t tell the man about your shortcomings. The abuser will press on weaknesses during arguments. Such men can not show weakness.
- Do not tolerate humiliation. Try to clarify the relationship. If something like this happens again – leave immediately. Do not think that you will not meet anyone else. Better to be alone than with a man who humiliates. A strong, confident woman will never be alone.
The most important thing is to love yourself. Usually, insecure women get into a relationship with an abusive man. They grab hold of any guy just so they won’t be alone. This is fundamentally wrong. You can not find an outlet in alcohol. Then you can not only exacerbate depression, but also to become addicted, to lose themselves completely.
Why does a man humiliate a woman?
Aggression is a natural male force. It can be both creative and destructive. If all is well with self-actualization, a man is aware of his strengths and relies on himself, aggression serves the good. It comes in the form of courage, bravery, as a means to an end and development, and helps to assert one’s boundaries. Otherwise, aggression is held back or causes destructive behavior. Humiliation, insults, pressure and coercion are only some of its manifestations.
Causes of insults
Insults and humiliation are not “bad” behavior that can be corrected. It is a form of psychological abuse. There is even a special term coined for those who humiliate and insult others: abuser. Aggression often occurs without physical violence. But it is not worth tolerating – humiliation causes serious psychological trauma. The consequences can be felt for a lifetime.
The reasons why a man insults and humiliates a woman are different:
- An attempt to confirm his power through humiliation of a woman;
- Parental programs;
- Illness: intermittent aggression disorder;
- Relationship problems.
Active aggression (negative words and actions) is often preceded by passive aggression. The man may ignore requests and errands, not show initiative, shift responsibility, create a sense of ambiguity in the relationship, and lie. He may “forget” about promises and agreements, postpone things. Passive aggression accumulates, and there is an “explosion” – transition to active aggression.
Humiliation as an affirmation of power
American psychologists from Georgia (USA) assert: aggressive behavior – the result of the fact that the man did not realize himself in society from a position of strength and authority. According to the results of research published in the journal Injury Prevention, such men insecure about masculinity are much more likely to show aggression.
Behind the aggressor’s mask there is a weak man who feels like a loser. And it is to a woman that he shows negative emotions, demonstrating a hostile attitude. It is observed mainly in men with a low social status.
Scientists have proven this by watching a team of players of the video game Halo 3 for 160 games. Those who won were polite to both men and women. Players who were defeated were tolerant of their peers, but they took it out on the women – showing aggression.
This is confirmed by the study of scientists from the University of Utah. In the publication for the publication of the publication New Scientist researchers noted: if the number of female population in the area prevailed in relation to the male population, it increases the aggression of local men. The findings are based on an analysis of the sex ratio in 3,000 counties in the United States.
How this manifests itself and what to do:
Insults, bullying, taunts, threats, criticism, or even hand-to-hand violence-anything to make one feel superior. Gradually, the way of responding becomes a habit. Active aggression can be preceded by passive aggression.
Destructive behavior must be curbed – delineate your boundaries and do not allow such behavior. Not working out? An occasion to work with self-esteem and personal boundaries, to see a psychologist. If the man does not respond to restrictions, you should distance yourself – to make a break in the relationship for a while or forever.
Aggression as an example from childhood
The cause of a man’s destructive behavior can also be a parental scenario. Toughness and aggression are formed because of a negative emotional environment in the family. Two factors must coincide: the man grew up in an environment where tyrannical behavior was the norm and he did not have enough inner strength to overcome destructive influences (values and motivation).
Often a man does not even realize that his life is governed by the parental program, but about 30% of such people are violent towards their children and wife. Usually they get women who are “set up” for this kind of communication.
If a woman knows how to protect her personal boundaries, the relationship is likely to end in the beginning. But often such a relationship with a man occurs in those who are initially “ready” for it. Among them are women with low self-esteem (“not good enough for other relationships”) and ladies with a certain life scenario: the mother did not know how to fight back and endured humiliation. The model of the relationship is internalized and perceived as familiar – the secret is in the neural connections, which are tuned to the abusive attitude.
How to recognize and what to do:
At the very beginning, the slightest attempts at humiliation and insult should be suppressed. For example, in the man’s family it was customary to communicate in high tones, but this is not a reason to bring this into your own relationship. A woman needs to work with her life scripts, pay attention to her self-worth and increase her self-esteem. A man should see a psychologist in order to change his inner attitudes.
Insults due to relationship problems
A man is capable of resorting to insults if he loses respect for a woman. It may be a response to a woman’s behavior. The defense reaction is triggered when a man begins to yell at a man, express his dissatisfaction in an angry tone on various occasions, and pour out negativity. However, women’s insults can also lead “on the warpath” – instead of talking, the woman sulks and waits for action.
Another reason that can provoke a man to negative behavior – fear of losing the woman. He convinces his partner of her imperfections in order to preserve the relationship. This strategy often works. Because of low self-esteem, the woman clings to a destructive relationship, not daring to be left alone.
The emergence of a mistress is also a reason that pushes aggressive behavior. The man begins to protect his personal space, showing himself in a bad way. He may begin to communicate sharply and devalue the woman. If you smooth the edges and accept this behavior, later it will worsen – the man will begin to humiliate his partner.
How to recognize and what to do:
Previously, the man did not insult or humiliate, but the behavior has changed. Disrespect is manifested in systematic reproaches, profanity, indifference, ignoring requests. The first “swallows” are passive aggression, ignoring requests and avoiding responsibility. Further the aggressive behavior becomes active. The way out is to reconsider your behavior and, if possible, talk to the man. It is necessary to change the way you interact with each other.
Abusive behavior often accompanies co-dependent relationships. Both partners are drawn into a Karpman’s triangle “aggressor-rescuer-victim”. But it must be kept in mind that both the man and the woman in this case are prone to a destructive relationship, co-dependent – these are people who pathologically need each other. This is not attachment, because life without a partner seems impossible.
Aggression in a co-dependent relationship manifests itself as:
- Caring (total control);
- imposing their picture of the world (“I know how it should be”, “I know how you are better”);
- Lack of personal boundaries, no secrets from each other.
How to recognize and what to do:
The man insults and humiliates, but believes that the woman herself is to blame and provokes him to “bad” behavior. The only way to change the situation is to get out of the Karpman triangle – a permanent change in the behavior of the “victim” or the rupture of the relationship. It is necessary to learn to rely on oneself and to delineate personal boundaries.
Unmotivated aggression as a disease
Does the man show aggression without cause? He may be sick. Impulsive aggressive outbursts are associated with a mental disorder. But it is up to a psychotherapist to diagnose it.
Aggressive behavior can occur with intermittent aggression disorder (IED) or another illness: personality disorder, biopolar disorder, schizophrenia. A similar problem also occurs in the background of alcohol and drug use.
Causes of the disorder are different, but most often it is heredity. If there was a person with IED in the family, then the likelihood of descendants having the problem increases by 3 times. The risk of developing aggression increases if the child has experienced violence in the family – watching or being bullied.
How to recognize and what to do:
Only a psychotherapist can make a diagnosis. It is possible to assume the problem by the person’s behavior: explosiveness, intemperance, conflictedness, tendency to outbursts. Sometimes it is accompanied by self-injuries – cuts in the area of the forearm or wrist. Treatment needs to be complex: psychotherapy and medications. The disorder is not completely cured, but long-term remission is possible. There is no point in persuading or waiting for the man to decide to undergo treatment. It should be his decision. There is no point in living under an illusion and hoping that it will go away by itself.
How do you recognize in a man a tendency to aggression?
It is difficult to determine that a man is prone to aggressive behavior upon acquaintance. Usually the partner “opens up” later. But there are signals that suggest that it is necessary to look closely at male behavior:
- Looks for the guilty, shifts responsibility to others. Does not know how to take responsibility for his own actions;
- As a child, the man was punished with a belt or there was emotional or physical abuse in the family;
- Outbursts of rage, even petty ones, may break dishes or throw things out the window. This means that he has difficulty controlling himself.
- A pronounced sense of possessiveness;
- Can push or grab by the shoulders during an argument. It should be understood that the stronger the scandal, the more difficult it is for a man to control himself;
- Aggressive behavior with children and animals;
- Forcing events in the relationship. There is a possibility that this is an attempt to make a woman dependent and control her life as quickly as possible.
What to do if a man is abusive?
Some situations are still solvable. To resolve the problem, it is important to first take care of a resource – seek support from friends or a psychologist. This will give support before you take action.
What to do if a man humiliates and insults:
- Designate personal boundaries. This works well in the initial stage. It is important to say that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and explain what emotions it evokes. Be sure to specify what actions will be taken if the situation happens again. For example, if the man humiliates you in front of your friends, you spend a week apart. The aggressor must realize that the result of his behavior will have certain consequences;
- Analyze the situation. It is necessary during the conversation to find out what exactly caused the behavior. It will help if the aggression has not been manifested earlier. It is necessary to speak to the man in a calm and even voice;
- If the insults and humiliations are regular, offer the man to see a psychologist to save the relationship;
- If nothing helps, leave the man – for a period or forever.
Insults in the relationship (video)
In this video, you will learn how to respond to insults from your partner.
Rudeness, once demonstrated, will become permanent if the behavior is not nipped in the bud. If talking and marking your boundaries doesn’t help, you should seek professional help. In some cases, it is better to end the relationship, because psychological violence leads to depression, neurosis and health problems.