What it means to be the boss in a relationship, or who’s the boss of the house?
Professional journalist, author of a poetry collection and several literary publications.
Expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For eight years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples regain love and understanding.
Who’s the boss in the relationship – a question often posed among young couples. And, of course, everyone is trying to prove that he is the boss. Especially surprising when it’s foam at the mouth, begin to prove the girls. I want to ask why you, honey, a rag instead of a man? But … first things first.
Who is the boss in a relationship?
Very often in families, it seems, the husband earns a decent income, but the woman is the boss in the relationship. Or vice versa – a guy ugly, all his life at his wife’s neck rides, and that just bends his head lower, and wipes his face. How is that possible? What is the measure of leadership in the family?
In a relationship between a man and a woman is the main one who has more and stronger levers of control (let’s call it that for convenience).
What does this mean?
When I heard a song like this “…But he who loves is weaker, and he who does not love is stronger.” And it’s true. If a person loves his life partner stronger, if he is afraid of losing, he will make any sacrifices. That is, if the wife loves stronger, then the husband has a lever of control – he will be the head of the relationship, because he will yield to his beloved. And she can shout when she wants, and throw tantrums, not afraid that her beloved will turn around and leave. In general, the man is not the head.
The other situation is that the man is just a leader by nature. Here no questions will not arise – the head will, of course, he. Why? Yes, because if he is a leader, he’s used to, that he dictates in everything, who and how to act.
By the way, the levers of control, it’s not necessarily love. For some people it is money: a man earns more, he is a breadwinner, so he is the head. A woman earns more, so she and manages the finances, makes decisions and is the head of the relationship.
Very often the child becomes the lever. That is, let’s say a man and a woman are not exactly living a great life. The man can not tolerate the supremacy of his wife, and she does not want to be number two. The man would leave, but… the children. And while they can not yet decide for themselves who they will stay with, a man endures everything to stay with them.
It happens that the lever is the apartment, housing, other factors (where people get together without serious feelings). You have to put up with his domination in order not to be asked by the landlord to vacate the premises. It happens.
And yet, more often than not, the one who has the toughest character becomes the head of the relationship. It is accepted to think that it is a man, but this is not true.
Who is the boss in the house?
The head is a man. When the man is in charge of the relationship, or takes the leading role, this, I believe, is correct. It is up to the man to make decisions, no matter how difficult, to take responsibility for it. It is the man who should be the main breadwinner in the family. Yes, the wife can work, but the main breadwinner should still be the man.
It happens that a woman reaches greater heights in her career. Still, a real man will never sit on his lover’s neck. To protect, support, be a “wall of stone” for a woman, that is all a man’s purpose. That is why he is the head of the family. But it happens that the head of the man becomes not for this reason.
He becomes simply because he is stronger. He does not tolerate any objections. I mean, why support and be a protection and support? You can just raise your voice, or even swing a fist, and that’s it! The whole family, like silk! This I have never understood and will never understand.
The head in the relationship – a woman. Sometimes there is a failure and the man’s duties are taken on her shoulders a woman. However, it is not called a failure, it’s not in vain, but many years ago our beauties fought for equal rights. And even achieved it!
And now the poor lady after work at some construction site, rushes home, on the way ran to get the child in kindergarten, then the store, flies home, and begins to cook dinner. Beloved at this time has already come from work, lay down on the couch and patiently waits for her beloved to call to the table.
Beloved, of course, and the table will call, and ask about the work, and say that tomorrow should be done. It is she who decides how her family will live. It is she who is the head of the relationship. And if her lover dares to say a word, she can even shout at him. Because no way! Well, such family relationships are not uncommon. Although they look ugly enough, no matter what you say.
A relationship where the head is just not there. It happens, too. At first glance, such a relationship seeks the mutual domination of a man and a woman, but in fact, neither one nor the other will not tolerate any superiority over himself. Any decision taken not by them is accepted in the bayonet, or complete indifference to the actions of each other. “I’ll go with the girls to the cafe, have coffee?”, “Why do you ask? I’m not holding you.
Or “Mash, I’m going fishing with the men. What should I take with me?”, “What do you need, then take it, why are you asking me? These are couples who live together by pure chance. By the way, when they split up, they don’t feel too bad about it. They never became related to each other, and why worry about outsiders?
Relationships where the head is both a man and a woman. In such a couple there is complete harmony, they understand each other, trust each other and accept everything that their beloved person offers them. Everything is so correct here, that even the word “domination” is not acceptable. Any decision by the man taken by his woman with the understanding of “exactly what I had to do.
Well done you have”, but then again, and the woman’s proposal is always welcome. Big decisions are made together, together. It is not dominated by a dictator husband or wife is hysterical, there is always respect for each other, and hence the joint domination of the relationship. Do you think this is utopia? Well, why not … Sometimes there are such couples.
Who would you like to see as the head in your relationship?
Of course, it is best not to share this status of “Head of the family (relationship)” and not to pull the “blanket on himself. If the person you love lives with you, that’s happiness. Why do you have to manage it, to push him or her under your heel, to insist on your decision only? Isn’t it better to sit down at the table in the evening, pour yourself a cup of tea, and think about how to solve this problem? No, it is accepted, of course, that all the problems solve the man. But if your girlfriend or wife considers it oppression, solve problems together.
How to be in charge in a relationship
Women demand equal rights and equality, and then whine that there are no real men left. The fact is that they do not need leadership and power, they just have to become the “workhorse”, which will drag the relationship, the man and all his problems. In this situation, the woman quickly becomes a “man,” and the guy feels like a loser, which affects other areas of his life. How to be the leader in the relationship, so as not to become a wimp and not to lose her respect?
Who should be the leader in a relationship and whether there is equality
To begin with, you yourself must be willing to become a man with all that entails. It is important to understand that for a reason historically the leading role was given to men. Women have PMS, hormones, depression. She needs a strong shoulder nearby, the very “anchor”, which will give peace of mind and help keep the set course. Let’s talk about how to refresh the relationship, if you have already lost the leadership position. You’ve definitely noticed that the girl is getting cheeky more and more, and if you don’t take action, you’ll become her slave, which she’ll use and leave when she gets bored.
You should be the leader, because otherwise, after 5-10 years of relationship, you will suddenly realize that your beloved has turned into a selfish monster. And it’s your fault because you spoiled her and missed the moment when you should have been firm.
Equality is also a difficult goal to achieve. In reality, the maximum you can achieve is the division of areas of leadership. For example, you decide all the financial issues and are responsible for providing for the family, so you decide whether or not to go on vacation somewhere, to give the child in a private or public school. And your beloved one deals with domestic issues: it’s up to her to decide what wallpaper and furniture to buy. This is conditional, but it’s important to understand that there are more serious areas and those where the decision is not fundamental. Here, in order to have the right to decide the most difficult issues, you have to let her make decisions in less important matters. This way a supposed equality will be maintained and everyone will be happy.
How to be in charge
Now let’s talk about how to become in charge in a relationship. Leadership is easiest to get in the beginning of your communication, but if the girl caught “with character”, it will take time for her to be able to trust you. It helps a lot if you have similar principles and thoughts: then she will take your decisions as her own, because she won’t have to “spell out” the motivation for your actions. It’s harder if you’re from “different worlds,” but even then these tips will help you earn her trust faster:
- Be confident and don’t be afraid to make decisions. How can you be a leader in a relationship if you avoid responsibility? You can’t, so get serious about your character, and before you insist on your decision, study the issue well so you don’t make a mistake. Leaders have no right to make mistakes, or they won’t follow them next time. Moreover, no one will remember the many successes if there was a serious failure, and a loved one will itch in your ear: “I told you so!”.
- Be independent and self-reliant. You yourself pass the leadership to her as soon as you find yourself unable to decide what to buy deodorant, what to eat for dinner or where to find socks. She must not think that you will be lost without her and can not, otherwise she will manipulate it.
- Don’t settle for something you don’t like. Being a leader doesn’t mean always doing things your way. You can do what your girlfriend wants, as long as you agree with it. It is important not to bend to her wishes if you do not like the idea. And this should manifest itself even in small things: do not eat over-salted soup, just to make her happy. It is better to politely inform about the situation and offer to eat something else.
- Be proactive and purposeful. Every decision you make has consequences. If you did the right thing, the reward is deserved, and if you “messed up,” be prepared to fix it promptly. You’re in charge, and you’re responsible.
- Stop disrespectful and disparaging attitudes. The main person in the relationship will not allow this.
- Set a goal to be more financially successful than your beloved, or at least not to be in a dependent position on her. The main one who has more independence, including financial.
- Do not let yourself be manipulated, or you will never know how to be a man in a relationship.
But it’s worth talking a little more about manipulation. It is with them begins the loss of leadership and the road to the henchman. Whether you’re in charge or just trying to get power in your own home, but your leadership will be constantly challenged.
How to fight female manipulation
Girls are masters of manipulation! That she sweetly flatter, then descends to blackmail, then provokes and you leave the same “extreme”. This attitude is unacceptable. If she was used to communicate so, then it’s time to take up the re-education and show that you are not like the others. And here are a few techniques on how to dominate the relationship and the right response to manipulation:
- Don’t give in to your emotions, stay calm and confident, and look directly into her eyes to show that you’re in charge.
- Change the topic of conversation if you realize that the girl is smoothly leading up to the topic she wants and is going to press for pity or scandal.
- Ignore the contrived problems, but don’t ignore the important ones. You’re the main person in her life, so you have to find a balance.
- If the girl starts to twist and try to confuse you, talk to her directly: what she wants. Show her that you’re in charge.
- Do not be manipulated by sex and tenderness. She loses out on the denial of intimacy just as much as you do. If she doesn’t, that’s another problem in which it’s also important that you be in charge.
- Don’t “spread your ears” when she’s openly flattering. If you’re in charge, don’t fall for cheap tricks.
- Don’t let the girl take the position of “princess” who is capricious and doesn’t want to do anything. Sometimes the girl ostensibly gives the lead, but in fact just passes all the problems on to you, but in key issues he will get his way at any cost. If you’re in charge, it should be in everything.
The 7 Top Mistakes That Deprive You Of Leadership In A Relationship
If you’ve figured out how to be the man in the relationship and are successfully gaining leadership, it’s still important not to make mistakes that will derail your efforts. So that the news that you’re not a man doesn’t come down “like a snowball,” it pays not to make these mistakes:
- You don’t listen to the girl: her arguments and arguments, pushing the fact that you are a man and will decide everything yourself. Leaders don’t act blindly: they calculate all options and choose the best one. Never pass up your biggest trump card and be able to have a dialogue.
- Don’t be rude and don’t give in to anger if the girl is once again manipulative or “swinging rights”. Being in charge doesn’t mean being aggressive.
- Do not criticize your beloved on and off, trying to lower her self-esteem and so seize the lead. Such a victory will not bring good and joy.
- You got carried away fighting for leadership and became a tyrant: you decide how she dresses, what to wear and what to think. This is far from the norm.
- You shut down and become distant if neither you nor she makes concessions. It’s important to keep the dialogue going, not just show who’s in charge.
- You are allowing yourself to be treated consumerist and used. You’re hardly still in charge after that.
- You’re sticking out your masculine self, but you don’t want to try to figure out the reasons and motives for her behavior. You’re not interested in female psychology.
Now you know how to become a dominant, and you’re obviously confident that you’ve succeeded. But it is worth distinguishing a real leader from an imaginary one. To do this, it is important to be able to admit your mistakes and really look at the situation.
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How to tell the difference between a real leader and a fake one
You can both be the man in the relationship and think of yourself as the leader, but in reality you are not. Not all men show off their leadership, but it is always visible from the outside, who in the couple “rules. And here are a few signs that tell you that you really are a leader, and not just a man-head, which spins his wife-neck:
- You’re a leader in life, not just at home. A loser with a mass of complexes who asserts himself at the expense of his beloved is a domestic tyrant, not the head of the family. If a man could not find himself in life, to form a strong and independent character, it will manifest itself in all spheres of life. It is not enough to stomp your foot and say that you want to be in charge.
- You are responsible for the decisions you make. It happens that a man demands leadership, but then does not know what to do with it. He may insist in principle on a sure-fire loser option. This is the way not only insecure guys, but girls behave.
- You make decisions based not on what is best for you, but what is best for both of you and your relationship. Selfishness is incompatible with leadership. When making decisions, you have to act sometimes even to your own detriment in order for the final goal to be achieved.
- Your decisions are right and even if the girl didn’t agree with them before, she’ll recognize your rightness later. The main question is how much effort you had to put to convince her.
- You know how to convince and win an argument before it affects your relationship. You consult with your beloved, but you make your own decisions, but in such a way that she is sure you are acting in her best interest and with her consent. Leadership has to be earned, as does trust, and you have succeeded.
Now you know how a man should behave with a woman and understand how important it is to be a leader in a relationship. For her to continue to love and admire you, you have to be a real man who leads and knows how to make decisions and be responsible for them. You’re in charge of the relationship and everything.