What to do with your husband?

How to talk to your husband.

These rules are vital for families where the man is the head of the family. In other families, you can take from these rules what works for your family.

There are women’s communication habits and there are men’s habits. A woman is more comfortable to talk as she is accustomed to – in a feminine way, and the man wants her to talk to him as he is accustomed to, in the style accepted among men. So, I have to warn you: women need to readjust. To talk to a self-respecting man in a woman’s way, in the style customary for women – for a man it is disrespectful, and you will soon lose him. Reconstruct – you need, to develop new habits for you – is absolutely necessary, but, the trouble is – worth a woman to go into emotion, she loses control. And what are the rules then?

But don’t worry. You just need to know where to start. There is a magical habit: if you learn it, you will not thoughtlessly enter into emotion, will not lose control.

Where do you start? You need to start by following a calm intonation.

The rules for you are:

RULE #1 – “Watch Your Intonation.”

Watch your calm, thoughtful intonation yourself; ask your husband to watch your calm intonation and then you won’t fall into unnecessary emotion. Check it out – it works beautifully! You’d be surprised how much the habit of speaking in a calm voice, simple intonation control, helps keep your sanity during difficult conversations.

So, follow the calm, thoughtful intonation of your voice, and you’ll be able to follow all the other rules.

RULE SECOND: “We don’t mind.”

This is a hard rule. A very hard rule. Incredibly difficult, but without it there is no way: it’s the foundation of family life in general and the main requirement for a woman living together with a smart and strong man.

So, you can object to anything, even the fact that I said it. It is not difficult to pick on, to object to some little thing, especially when you want to either talk or kick around. But the thing is that these entertainments men soon become uninteresting, and after a while cause a protest. You object – the man stops discussing the subject with you. You cling to the little things – my husband stops discussing serious issues with you. Alienation between you is growing – with all the ensuing consequences.

What to do? Offer her husband game impeccability in the simplest version, when the results of any conversation you ask her husband, what he put your marks. There are only three grades: plus (excellent), zero (okay) and minus (bad), and every minute is graded. Every minute is graded! We talked for 10 minutes, my husband says: 5 pluses, 4 zeros, and 1 minus. Great! You can ask what the minus is for, and there will probably be either a criticism or an objection. So great, remember your objection and think about how necessary it was.

But what do we do if our husband says something we don’t agree with? Agree with what is reasonable in the husband’s words. And agree in a way that makes your husband feel good about what you say. And only after he feels good, you either ask him a question for understanding, or ask him how he would feel about the other point of view – and, if he has expressed interest, formulate your point of view.

RULE THIRD: “Make your intentions known.

Before you start a conversation (or just start a new topic of conversation), state your intentions. It’s important for men to understand in advance what you want from them and what they should do during the conversation. I want to ask for your help – that’s understandable, I want to brag about our children – that’s nice, I want to coordinate shopping – that’s understandable and necessary.

Make your intentions clear. Do not do this – you’ll always be on the verge of misunderstanding and conflict. You started to help – and her husband resented: “What am I, I can not do without you? I’m not a child!” You wanted to tell you how to do things better – and your husband burst out: “Why do you keep criticizing me?”

When stating your intentions, never say, “I want to share with you.” “I want to share” is an empty shell that usually hides the usual complaints. And why would a smart, strong man want to listen to complaints? He doesn’t need it and it weighs on him. If you need help, ask for help, but men do not complain, and listening to women’s complaints men certainly do not like.

First of all, do not tell your husband about the problems with which it is unclear what to do.

You can write it down as.

THE FOURTH RULE: “Don’t tell your husband about problems you don’t know what to do about.”

Suppose the wife decides to share:

– Here, my daughter has been coughing all night. – И? – And nothing. The doctor has already been, she’s still coughing. – What do you want me to do? – Nothing is required. I’m just worried! And sometimes she’ll add: – Nothing touches you at all!

The average man tolerates it. He treats it simply as something women do. There are natural disasters, there are human follies, and there is the behavior of women – we can’t fix that. But a smart and strong man will not tolerate that around him. He won’t allow her to talk to him like that, or he won’t allow a woman like that to be around them. So: do not make your husband angry, do not tell him about the problems that you do not know what to do.

Do not talk about your worries, your concerns and fears. With a man you can talk in the language of the magnitude of the possible damage, the likelihood of this event and the cost of preventing this event. If you do not speak this language, your worries are nothing but women’s fears to men.

Men and women treat problems very differently. Women love to talk about problems! When a woman talks about her problems, she feels better. But even if a woman listens to someone else’s problems, she feels comfortable: she sympathizes, she empathizes, she supports! It’s not like that with men. When a wife shares her problems with her husband, the normal husband tenses up at that time, he thinks, “What is it that I have to do in connection with this? What is required of me?”

I remember sitting at the table at a guest’s house, the hostess in the middle of the conversation suddenly remembered, “Our light bulb in the kitchen blew out again…” The husband instantly jumped up, went to look for a light bulb. His wife shouted at him in confusion: “Where are you going? God with her, with the light bulb! I was only saying that!” In this situation – the typical behavior of the woman and the typical behavior of the man. It’s important for the woman to talk, it’s important for the man to do. Lovely women, smart men expect two things from you: joy and instructions. Either tell them what will make them happy, or formulate instructions: what you want them to do. They will.

But even with men it is not easy to talk about joy. Sometimes women just want to chat, to tell in detail what excited, pleased or impressed them. You can’t. The man gets angry with these detailed vivid statements, when he does not understand why it all falls on him. But a woman wants to, right? And what to do? There is a simple solution.

RULE FIFTH: “If you just want to chat, specifically warn him about it.

Rejoice: I can recommend you a wonderful wording, after which you can babble about anything and everything, and the man will not mind. Learn the wording: “I just want to tell you. You don’t have to do anything. I’m just going to tell you. May I?”. You’ll hear “May I!” to that, and you can take your breath away.

In all other cases it should work.

THE SIXTH RULE: “When you start a conversation, start with the main point.”

Say your thesis or your request at once. Briefly and clearly state your main point. Immediately! First things first! Women like preambles, explanations, summaries at the beginning, and her main idea will be somewhere later and still it is necessary to find. But next to the self-respecting man this is undesirable, otherwise you will often come across as a tough demand: “Stop! Tell me briefly! What do you want – in one phrase!” or “Shorter: your thesis?”

Yes, women love an emotional statement, but men appreciate intelligent speech. Men don’t mind emotion, but they want the gist and the main point first. The difficulty is that women think everything is important because they have everything connected to everything, and to separate the essential from the secondary, they need to think separately, extra. And the other difficulty is that it is easier for women to think not silently, not by themselves, but in the process of conversation: she speaks and gradually begins to understand what she wants to say. She is so comfortable, but men are annoyed by such murky conversations, for a man this style of conversation – it’s disrespectful to him. So, so that you are not interrupted – “Take away the details, say right away the main thing!”, follow it yourself: take away unnecessary details for your husband, say right away the most important thing.

And what if you try, but you do not have the habit of it and do not work out at once? There is a good clue. I will give you the wording that you need to memorize, learn and use. Address your husband this way: “I have a request to you: can we go to the training mode? I’ll tell you how I’m going to do it, and you articulate to me what it should actually sound like. I’m afraid I’m going to say it the wrong way, but I want to learn how to talk to you right.” Got it memorized? This will be your –

SEVENTH RULE: “When you don’t know how to say it, use a training regimen.”

And now the next very important point and –

THE EIGHTH RULE. “After every thought you have that is important to you, ask your husband: What do you think?”

If you ask your man “what he thinks,” he will think you are a smart woman. If you don’t, sooner or later he will start looking for a smart woman.

And mark for yourself: there are three situations where you personally need this phrase “What do you think? These are situations,

  • When you need to get a man’s attention to your words,
  • When you voice your decisions to a man,
  • When you want to logically justify your thoughts and conclusions.

Read more about this.

First of all, about paying attention to your words. You have to keep in mind that men don’t feel obligated to respond to everything someone says around them. If you say something, but the man did not ask a question, did not ask him, “What do you think?”, he will hear you, but he will let your words pass his ears: “Who cares who says what! It’s none of my business!”. But if you said something, but asked, “What do you think?”, he will take your statement carefully.

The second is decision-making. In a decision-making situation, the question “What do you think?” turns out to be critical. If you tell a man that you have made a decision, voiced it, but did not ask him afterwards “What do you think?”, then you are specifically at risk: this is already disrespectful to the man, it is criminal. All your important decisions should be agreed with him.

And the third thing is that you want to justify something logically. When you want something to prove or justify, do not get carried away, do not organize a long monologue, he will pass by. Your chain of reasoning is convincing only to you, and the man expects that on every – on every point! – you ask him, “How much do you agree with that?” Without that, the man will find some gap in your logic and won’t listen to you any further. And then – why are you trying? Do you want rapport? Then create it: constantly ask – What do you think? How much do you agree?

Technically: you want to convince a man of something – write down the chain of your logical arguments in advance, and how many links in your chain, as many times you have to ask your partner how much he agrees. I highly recommend testing your chain of logic on someone else: you’d be surprised, but you’ll probably have to refine it afterwards. Well, fine, fine-tune it! When your husband appreciates your logic, you will see his admiring look. And you will be pleased!

So, ask your husband’s opinion more often, ask him – “What do you think?” If you do not do this, for a man it is disrespectful to him. If you do, you’re showing him respect. This also includes a more general requirement: eliminate categoricalness.

This is your FIRST RULE: “When you talk to your husband, take away the categorical tone.”

If you are talking with such intonations that other opinions you do not need and are not interested, that except for your, there can be no other opinion – you are talking categorically. For men, categorical intonation from a wife is like a whiplash, unpleasant and painful.

“If it’s windy outside, tie Katya a scarf, she’ll be cold!” Is that out of the question? Doesn’t the husband’s opinion matter to her mother? Is the order binding?

“You can’t raise your voice to the children!” Dear, it is not allowed to talk to your husband like that, and all questions about the children you have to discuss together. Moreover, if your husband is the head of the family, he can tell you the right decision, and you can not tell him. Yes, women often do not hear their categorical intonations, but there is a simple test – you can so to speak to her husband or not. Imagine that the wife is a lieutenant and the husband is a combat general. And the lieutenant sternly says to the general: “If it rains tomorrow, cancel your exercises, the soldiers might catch cold! And stop punishing the troops, it’s unacceptable!”. Yes, this is absurd. A lieutenant can’t address a general that way. But don’t you do that either.

And last, the Tenth Rule: “You were asked, answer.”

Yes, men like the army format, and you have to live with it. And the army format, that means order and discipline. It all seems to start with the little things.

A conversation is going on. The husband asks something, but he can’t hear the answer. It turns out that the wife is thinking. Wrong! Say you want to think, and if her husband allows it, then think. Otherwise, answer as you are.

Or another situation: the husband asked about something – and his wife takes the conversation to another topic. It seemed to her that it would be better. Who gave her permission? This is wrong. If the husband brought it up, it needs to be brought to an end.

And it’s the general who ends the conversation, not the private.

That’s discipline. It’s self-discipline. And those who want to develop this in themselves, develop these qualities on the territory of the family.

It’s a good thing you go to the University of Practical Psychology, and most of these rules are familiar to you. Pay attention to them again, ask your husband to correct you, and your relationship will be an even greater joy for you.

How to permanently improve your marital relationship with your husband: what to do and what not to do?

No more strength, I’m getting a divorce! That’s the first thing a friend said when she met him, instead of “Hi!” Listening to the story of how he let himself watch soccer when she needed to discuss the color of her linens, I thought: why isn’t she wondering how to improve her relationship with her husband instead of threatening him with divorce?

Reasons Why Relationships Spoil

Have you ever been frustrated with your husband for being an uninteresting conversationalist, not making enough money, liking fishing or soccer too much, etc.? Many people think that any of these reasons can be called destructive to the relationship. And few do a somewhat deeper analysis. After all, none of this is really a cause, but a consequence.

Let’s dig deeper.

  • The first cause is psychological. A selfish child awakens in us and we begin to demand unconditional love. It was given by our parents. Our partner can’t give it to us. We feel discomfort from this and look for reasons: gives the wrong gifts, irresponsible, spends a lot of time away from home.
  • Basically, any problems in the relationship begins with a misunderstanding. Or, on the contrary, too harsh statements. Gone trust leads to a major fracture. Mysterious phone calls, cryptic messages, strangers in the partner’s life – if this is not discussed, a whole lump of needles poking holes in your relationship is accumulated.
  • Excessive desire to please everyone. One day the wife, looking at herself in the mirror, will note that she looks, to put it mildly, not good. Is the husband to blame? Probably not, because either she herself has taken on all these worries, just getting married.
  • Jealousy and lack of intimacy or variety in it. Constantly showing jealousy, you create an invisible cage from which you want to escape. Not necessarily in bed with another. Maybe at first just to relieve your soul. Well, if the listener caught the opposite sex, and even shows obvious sympathy, but you have in an intimate life is not “awful. Is it worth it to continue?

Women’s mistakes.

I love to go to the park and watch couples. Here, for example, recently saw the magical transformation of a pretty girl into an angry fury when her boyfriend stopped his gaze for a second on another. To me, a wise woman knows when to pick up the conversation, when it’s okay to tease, and when it’s better to just pretend that nothing happened.

And really, what happened? A man took a split-second to show his characteristic quality as a hunter, which is to evaluate potential prey. A violent negative reaction at a glimpse of another man is an indicator of your insecurity. Noticed behind a trait? Then it’s time to work on his self-esteem! Men rarely cheat on women, confident in themselves and in him.

Common mistake number 2, leading to a crisis – limiting his personal space. If a man is not in the mood to talk – give him the right to enjoy the solitude. And then realize how lucky he is to have you, so understanding.

Another common typical mistake of women – relaxation. This is when “all is well enough, the period of romance is over, so why shave your legs or do manicure unnecessarily? All the procedures for self-care you are doing for yourself, and then for him. Forgetting about them, you make it clear: Honey, I stopped loving myself, and you can do so with me.

And a few more items from the rating of women’s mistakes:

  • Lack of a social life outside the relationship.
  • Quietly demonstrative resentment with a “Nothing” response to the question, “What’s wrong?”
  • Grumbling and constant negativity.
  • Constant attempts to change it.

A wise woman will never remind you of a man’s shortcomings. But the phrase “I so like it when you. ” works wonders. Do not be stingy with praise – it’s the only way you will cause him to want to do what you like.

How to Improve Relationships

Start by eliminating unnecessary emotional burden. Accumulating negative, focusing on this, we block access to positive developments. Break out of the vicious circle. Husband came in a bad mood and it passed on to you?

Do not give in, do the unexpected: pity him if he was tired, feed him with a heartily cooked dinner, make relaxing foot massage, give him an aromatic tea with relaxing additives – a lot of options, choose the right one. Learn to enjoy it. Believe me, your spouse will not remain in debt and will want to make nice and you.

Difficult to cross the threshold of the offense? Turn on some fun music, while you prepare dinner or a room for romance, eat chocolate or citrus, which also contributes to a change of mood towards the positive.

What to do

If you’ve forgotten about yourself, why demand that your husband continue to admire you like he used to? The best time for you to take care of yourself is now. You benefit, he enjoys. Take off the washed robe, put away shabby pants and a T-shirt with a funny inscription, unravel the bun on his head and feel like a gorgeous woman.

A beautiful fairy can inspire a man to greater feats than a disgruntled snorting, tired horse. It is useful also because you will move the focus of attention from the family problems to something beautiful.

Speaking of inspiration. Encourage a man – a direct duty of a woman. This is one sure way to make him feel like a man, and see you as a fragile woman. After all, strong men makes only a weak woman around. It is inherent in our nature, when the balance is broken, the relationship begins to swing from side to side.

Helping your spouse to row does not mean you take up the oars. Do not pluck bits from his self-confidence, barbed criticism. You just have to give him strength, showing your unwavering confidence: what and how he does – this is the best that could come up in this situation.

I suggest you watch a video on the subject:

What not to do

How many proverbs there are about the creative and destructive power of words. And for good reason. For example, the constant repetition of phrases like, “I told you so,” can ultimately destroy a marriage. What else you shouldn’t do if you want to improve a relationship:

  • Remind you of your joints.
  • Asking for advice from single girlfriends.
  • Complaining and blaming him for things you knew before you got married (spending a lot, not showing fantasy in bed, not having a sense of humor, etc.)
  • Forgetting romance, especially if there are children.
  • Compare it to Katyuha’s husband, who is as good as ever: and shopping for his beloved, and babysitting, and a new necklace to please him.

In addition, cool contributes to stories about the daily mischief of children. It is not about serious things, which should pay attention to both parents. But when he comes home from work tired, do not bother with the fact that Dimka again smashed his plate, and Masha again pulled out his lipstick and painted the wall. If you need to pour out your soul – call a friend who also has children. She will understand better, and maybe even give good advice.

And one more thing: never, you hear, never utter the phrase “You don’t love me at all. Replace it with the more neutral words of a defenseless woman: “Honey, I feel alone right now. I know that you are very busy at work, but I miss your attention, your touch, our walks in our park and frank conversations.

Advice from psychologists

Experts advise to talk less in a fit of anger, but be sure to discuss unpleasant situations after both partners have cooled down. Saying that “if you knew (insert as appropriate), you never would have married him,” is a painful blow to a man’s ego. So is a woman’s. Put yourself in your spouse’s place: how would you like to be informed that your partner has something strained in you?

Many psychologists say: no matter how we do not deny it, we always need some time alone. No man wants to lose his wife, who will meet him a gentle kiss at the door, warm hug, and then give 20 minutes to rest, not overloading the news, and she herself during this time will lay the table. Be attentive to your man (but without fanaticism), and you can be sure that soon you will be waiting for a pleasant surprise from her husband!

And how do you think you can improve the relationship between spouses? Leave comments, share with your friends, and subscribe to updates!

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