How to get over a breakup
We experience the end of a relationship differently – some need more time to heal, some less. But no matter how much pain we experience, a breakup is always an opportunity to grow, get to know ourselves better, and become stronger.
Throw out or put out of sight all the things that remind you of him or her. Burn pictures. Gladly do things your partner couldn’t stand. Buy new bedding. Take up boxing. Go on a trip to another country. Get a haircut. Make a promise to smile at least once a day, no matter what it takes. Fall into Buddhism: everything in life is transitory, the source of our suffering is attachment to people and things, you have to learn to let them go.
There is no universal recipe for how to survive a breakup and get out of love addiction, but there is the experience of those who have passed the test and came out unscathed on the other side. Here are the top tips.
1.Push back from the bottom.
“I was lying on the bedroom floor, alone, and sobbing so desperately that I thought my heart would burst,” says 37-year-old Arina, whose marriage collapsed after seven years of marriage. – And then I suddenly felt: here it is, I’m at the bottom, and there is no further to fall.
By letting this “at the bottom” moment sink in, we help ourselves understand that it does not define all of our lives-it is time to rise from the bottom. We are much bigger and stronger than the emotions we experience.
2.Find support in ourselves.
The end of a relationship brings intense pain – like a physical injury. That’s why in the first few days after a breakup, common painkillers can provide relief.
“Imagine: you were running fast, fast toward something desired and joyful, but you stumble and fall,” psychologist Lucy Mikaelyan cites a comparison. – At this minute it seems that everything is over, life is over and nothing will ever happen.
To survive the breakup, it is important to find support in yourself. Treat yourself as gently as possible, make yourself happy every chance you get. Do things that work out well, give you faith in yourself, lift your spirits, and help you feel strong.
“Think of yourself as a child and someone in your family, someone who now brings a smile and a warm feeling,” advises Lucy Mikaelyan. – What would a grandmother or other loved one you thought of do when you saw you so upset? Probably help you up, put you on their lap, blow on the place where it hurts, tell you something interesting and cheer you up?
The love that we received as children from reliable and caring adults, we can give ourselves as we get older.
“I realized I had to become a better friend to myself,” says Sergei, who went through a painful divorce after ten years of marriage. – Then you will always have someone to rely on and not feel lonely.”
3.Do not beat yourself up.
If you were abandoned, it falls down self-esteem. If, on the contrary, you have initiated a breakup, is often tormented guilt. We experience what is happening as a defeat, angry, ashamed – our dreams and hopes have crumbled.
It is important to forgive yourself for everything you did or didn’t do in the relationship, and to forgive your partner. Take with you into the future what you have invested in the relationship and what you have learned from it. Anger and resentment are unfruitful emotions, they prevent you from moving forward. The sooner you get rid of them, the easier it will be to get out of the love addiction and the better you will feel.
It’s nobody’s fault if a relationship doesn’t work out. As studies show, we tend to get along with people whose outlook on life is radically different from our own. For example, one of the two wants children and the other doesn’t, one is deeply religious and the other is not. Why?
“Everyone knows what qualities he would like to see in a potential partner, but when it comes to real life, we often make the wrong choice, turn a blind eye to what repels us,” says psychologist Samantha Joel. – The reason is that we don’t like rejection and hurting, and over time, as relationships develop, it becomes harder to break them off. As a result, we end up bonding with someone who is foreign to us.
To make the union happy, it’s important not to be afraid to be vulnerable and at the same time to forgive ourselves for the pain we may cause the other by rejection – it’s inevitable.”
How to quickly get over the breakup with a guy and move on: psychologists’ tips
There is often a feeling that along with the relationship, the whole world collapses. Usually this is not the case, but it is almost impossible to believe this when you have just broken up. Breakup is a terrible stress, and you need to know how to get through it. The main task during this time is to take care of yourself, relieve the heartache, and get back to normal. You probably have no idea now how to go on living if a man has left you. But I will tell you how people most often go through a breakup with a loved one, how to step back, distract yourself, recover and finally start living again.
How to get over a breakup with a man you love
Different girls come to terms with the breakup of a relationship in different ways – mostly because they handle their pain and sadness differently. Someone cries on her best friend’s shoulder for a long time, someone does not leave the house and does not want to see anyone, someone breaks away and lights up so that there is no time and energy left for melancholy (or for the same purpose plunges into work or studies), and someone immediately gets into a new relationship.
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None of these ways can be condemned, because the person is acting to the best of his ability at this time. But it’s best to let yourself grieve, mourn the loss of the relationship, draw conclusions and slowly return to life. It’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s the only way to escape the dance on a rake called “confusion in the relationship with your ex,” which risks starting at any time and drag on the head. If you are all back, then read the article how to make a man fall in love, and if you have definitely decided to forget everything, then read on.
Coping if you have broken up recently is very difficult. But you need to take care of yourself and stick to your chosen strategy to survive the separation and not break down. Here are a few ways:
- Allow yourself to be sad. For as long as it takes, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of paper handkerchiefs, and absolutely no constructive thoughts-allow yourself to do it all. You need to cry to let your emotions out. Don’t go overboard with mourning: you’re unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts of your ex and sadness won’t go anywhere just yet, but you’ll start doing something else. You can work, study, succeed, have fun at parties, enjoy life, and even get into other relationships. This is what grieving is all about. Don’t be afraid or avoid it – it’s the only way to fully experience the departure of a boyfriend and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
- Feel the state of being “at the bottom.” At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring meaninglessly out the window, you will realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. It’s a scary moment, but it’s the one after which you can begin to move upward. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this position is not eternal, and therefore it is time to rise from the bottom.
- Find support in yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure that you are the only one you truly have. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how disturbing and sad it sounds. You need to feel like you are your own best friend, your own mother, and your own best comforter. It is necessary to find in yourself the strength to survive a difficult phase. And for this you need to take care of yourself, love and spoil a little. Think of yourself as a child and think about what someone close to you would do if they saw you in such a state. Would they put you on their lap, comfort you, give you something yummy, tell you something good, cheer you up? Feel the warmth of the kind of care you can receive. And that you can give yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope.
- Don’t blame. If the initiator of the breakup was a guy, you will probably start to think that you are not good enough. And if you decide to break up – to suffer guilt. Try to avoid both. Do not blame yourself for what you did or did not do. Do not blame your partner. You’re in a situation where you realize you can’t be together for some important reason – and that’s good news, even if it’s sad. It’s better to part ways with unsuitable people. Be mad at yourself or the guy if you feel like it, but don’t let the anger turn to guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It’s not your fault. And this breakup doesn’t make you the worst person or the one who failed. Remember that, don’t deny your worth.
- Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, it is advice to remember the other people you love and appreciate. Psychophysiology professor Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive response”-those moments when we feel a heart connection and warmth toward other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something nice from them or just words of comfort is invaluable support when you’re breaking up.
- Do something for yourself. Life often changes after a breakup – and it’s worth taking advantage of that. Listen to yourself: maybe you will have new interests. Or there will be time and opportunity to do things that you could not do in a relationship. Take up a new hobby, take up self-education – it will help distract you. Find a interest group – social interaction will be therapeutic for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions. You can set yourself a quest to try all the “napoleons” in town, or take up another non-serious activity that brings fun. As you have a new experience, you’ll notice that you feel a sense of loss as well as freedom.
- Rearrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, it’s time to readjust your life to fit you. You’ve probably planned something with your partner that doesn’t seem relevant now. Think about what you would like to accomplish from the point you are in now. Dream about it. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
- Face reality. You’ll probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get it all back, see that he too is suffering and wants you back. Meet with him or talk to him on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship – neither of you have changed for this and are not going to change. These kinds of confrontations are necessary to let the person go faster. They are painful, but important in order to part with your own hopes.
Tips from a psychologist for girls
A lot about how to be after a breakup, according to psychologists, said in the previous paragraph – these are valid ways to get through a difficult period and come out of it a healthy, whole person, ready to continue living. But there are also a few more tips on how to stop suffering if a boyfriend has fallen out of love.
- Get rid of reminders of the past. Throw out or put away things that remind you of the guy. If he left some of his belongings – get rid of them first.
- If you are angry – print and burn photos of us together. Do something demonstrative that will help you believe yourself in the breakup. If the burning photos want to cry – do not hold back. It will work even better that way.
- Do, eat, wear things that annoyed your partner and liked you. Give yourself a triumph of freedom.
- Update something. Your haircut, your closet, your bedding, or even where you live. Help yourself experience the “before” and “after” milestones.
- Take care of your appearance. Do it with gusto – enjoy a nice manicure, spa, spectacular outfits and flashy makeup. Just because you don’t have to do it for someone, you and your pleasure are reason enough. Don’t let yourself go after a breakup.
- Socialize. With friends, online, on forums, in interest groups, or even in therapy groups. You don’t have to suffer proudly alone – with community and support, things will go easier.
- Burn bridges. Not only get rid of common belongings, but also delete his phone number and don’t go on his social media profile. Leave the past in the past and feel it out.
- Get over it. Even if you think you broke up by mistake, that the reason isn’t that serious – accept the person’s decision, respect him. Firmly accepting his position will help you hold on if the ex decides to come back and try to drag you into the vortex of the same relationship with the same problems.
- Rebirth. Feel sorry for yourself at first, when you need care. But don’t forget that you were not born to be miserable. Stay away from the position of victim, believe in your own strength, and allow yourself to act in your own best interest.
- Do good deeds. Help your friends and parents, do something nice for passersby on the street. Volunteer for an event, help at an animal shelter, or do something for a rights cause. When we do good, we experience joy.
- Exercise. After a breakup, our brain produces a lot of cortisol, a stress hormone that makes us feel tired and sluggish. Sports can help lower cortisol levels and pump adrenaline and endorphin into the bloodstream. They are the ones responsible for energy and good mood.
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What mistakes should not be made
On the path of survival after a breakup, it’s easy to take a wrong turn and spend time and effort on something that in the end will not help, if not make it worse.
Sign up on the dating site LovePlanet and look for a new guy. And, to get over the breakup in a healthy way, learn what not to do:
- Don’t chase away thoughts. Think whatever you want, let everything that comes into your head exist. Sooner or later you’ll break up with those thoughts when you realize they have no place in reality. Thinking is not harmful. It is harmful to realize what you are thinking at such moments.
- Don’t get into another relationship. You are in an imbalance and need attention, warmth and affection, but because of emotional confusion, you don’t look like the real you. New love looks like a great opportunity to forget, but in all likelihood it will end in more misery.
- Don’t push your feelings and don’t berate yourself for them. Don’t think you’re a sentimental fool, don’t forbid yourself to feel what’s happening to you, don’t run from it.
- Don’t hang out on your ex’s profile for hours, looking at his photos and notes.
- Do not play Mrs. Marple and do not look for reasons to break up. Don’t set up a stakeout that will help you determine whether he’s pining and agonizing or partying it up.
- Don’t strive to dramatically demonstrate on social media how you’re doing great. This is a cheap trick that no one buys into anymore.
- Don’t write huge letters on your or his profile about everything you think about him and your relationship. Writing such letters is helpful, but it’s better to either keep them to yourself or burn them.
- Don’t throw mud at him. You were together, you chose him. So by insulting him, you are insulting your choice and yourself.
- Don’t start partisan wars. Do not divide your mutual friends into his and yours, do not try to turn them against him.
Now you are fully armed and know what mistakes should not be made. To finally get over your abuser, go to the best dating sites rating, look for a new guy and never remember your ex.