Why doesn’t my boyfriend want sex and what should I do?
I work as a freelance journalist. I write “tasty” about everything.
The expert – Victoria Fomina
Doctor highest category sexologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist. I have been working as a sexologist for over 10 years. I help couples solve problems in sex life.
If a girl refuses to “drink tea” or “look at the stamp collection,” men accept such an answer firmly (although not all). But, if a guy doesn’t want sex, it seems illogical and strange to the girl. How is it, the “predator” is offered the prey on a platter, and he doesn’t want it. In fact, the situation is not very conducive to humor, because such a picture dramatically affects the female self-esteem. And the very fact of a negative answer hints in most cases at some problems in the young man.
Just a few years ago, men were rumored to be obsessed with intimacy subjects, and women tried their best to evade marital duty. Now the accents have changed, and now the “headache” is more common among the stronger sex. According to statistical data, more than 60% of male representatives of the planet more and more often refuse to play in bed, and 40% have sex no more than once a week. These are the results of anonymous social surveys.
The main reasons for refusals
It has been mentioned more than once that everyone is different. Some like coffee with cream, some like it without, and some can’t stand it at all. Also with sex, some people need at least once a day (preferably two … or three), while others have a desire a couple of times a week. If a guy does not want sex, then to begin with it is worth paying attention to the frequency of intimate contact, if the girl is hyperactive, but her lover does not, then there is no reason to look for it. It’s just that the couple have different temperaments.
Another thing is if there is a sharp decline in lovemaking in the relationship. To begin with, the worried lady should pay attention to several important factors.
- Workaholism is incompatible with sexoholism
An extremely small percentage of men are able to boast of an optimal workplace. Guys sit in offices, experiencing a lack of fresh air and physical activity. The latter reduces the activity of the heart and circulatory system, hence the circulatory disorders. And a static position at the computer puts a lot of pressure on the lumbar spine – and if right during sex your back seizes up? Hypodynamia causes fatigue on top of physical exhaustion from heavy loads.
Active physical work, (especially with excessive exertion) is not good for health either. Not to mention sprains and bruises, a man comes home in a state close to a vegetable. Sex in this case can and want, but obviously can not. You can’t expect a young man to be a god in bed and a foreman at the same time when working hard.
Too much enthusiasm for sports is bad. If the other half doesn’t leave the “gym,” you should expect heart problems. Even a long bike ride does not help increase libido, but on the contrary – will cause compression of tissues in the pelvic area and oxygen starvation of the pelvic muscular frame.
- Illnesses and bad habits
If you look at European indicators, in European Union countries men refuse to have sex because they take antidepressants. In our country, alcohol is both an antidepressant and a relaxant (depending on the strength). Hot drinks, of course, help relieve fatigue, stiffness. Shy gentlemen, they even contribute to sex. But if you get addicted to alcohol, you will severely damage your potency, especially in older age. If you combine a bottle of beer with a cigarette, the damage to the sexual system can safely be doubled.
Hormonal imbalance significantly lowers libido. Testosterone not only makes a guy a man (voice, hair, behavior), but also directly affects sexual desire. With a normal daily routine, moderate physical activity and the absence of diseases, the male body produces the necessary amount of the hormone itself. It is not difficult to guess what will happen with a hypodynamic lifestyle.
Another reason from the category of diseases – psychological trauma or the consequences of upbringing. Maybe your loved one used to be an object of ridicule from girls, or he was brought up in the spirit of “debauchery is bad. Then he subconsciously will try to reduce the frequency of intercourse to a minimum.
If your sweetheart likes to play a couple of tank battles in the evenings, or to pay attention to his second “beauty” in the garage, it’s not terrible. Another thing when the passion turns into an addiction. If the guy does not want sex, but every night he sits in front of the monitor, or is lost in other things, it’s cause for concern, and at least try to distract with other interesting activities.
Yes, any man should have their own “toys. But sometimes the stronger sex is so flirted with them that they lose interest not only in real life but also in the people closest to them. It does not necessarily have to be addiction to cheating or gambling, enough to get carried away too much the same fishing, as the need to pay his beloved attention is receding into the background.
The reason may lie in the girl. Many people, getting his “bogeyman in the sky” relax and stop looking after yourself. In this case it is worth meticulously inspect yourself for a couple or three unplanned pounds, sagging skin or untended hair. And maybe the guy refuses intimacy because of complexes about the fact that his hairy legs inferior hair cover his sweetheart?
Tactful partners are very difficult to reproach their beloved that her appearance has changed for the worse. Guys usually say nothing, and they have no desire to have sex.
Pay attention to your own behavior. If you regularly emphasize only the shortcomings of your man, to undermine his self-esteem and arrange regular lectures with hysterics, it will not only discourage intimacy, but it may also lead to treason (young man subconsciously will try to restore his self-esteem at the expense of another lady).
You shouldn’t even consider cheating that was done for nothing. After all, choosing a polygamous guy for a relationship is not the most forward-thinking thing to do. Usually the above-mentioned reason leads to treason, when a girl loses her attractiveness (not necessarily physical, just enough to stop being interested in her chosen one and his affairs). In this case there will be not only a refusal of sex, but also a change in behavior, secrecy and other signs of emerging horns.
- Too many years of married life
No man on earth is immune to the gradual fading of passion. When you have years together, all emotions and feelings become rather faded. A man no longer feels the need to win his lady’s heart and surprise the sweetheart with records in bed. But for a girl of any age, the desire in her partner’s eyes will be the clearest proof of interest from his side at all times.
Like any important action, the battle for your partner’s attention should begin with exploration. More specifically, with a calm, open conversation. If the guy is smart, he will want to deal with the situation himself. Further action depends on the established cause:
- Workaholism is cured by an urgent vacation, even if it’s free. Take your loved one out of an irritating environment and give him a couple of days of rest. After resting, he himself will begin to incline his soulmate to intimacy. But it sounds simple in words only. If the nearest vacation is still a few months away, but you need to help your spouse to relieve emotional and physical stress. Quality massage, funny comedy and care will help the guy to cope with critical situations and fatigue. And surrounded by care, the young man is sure to want to “thank” his sweetheart.
- With diseases is more complicated, you need a medical professional. If the fault is a hormonal failure, it can be eliminated by proper nutrition and exercise, hormonal drugs are appointed in severe cases.
- Dependence on hobbies is treated by the “wife seducer” mode, knowing the weaknesses of your partner, nothing prevents to use them to awaken the desire of his chosen one.
The fact that men love to look know everything. But the eyes are not the only way to the heart of your beloved. Do not pay less attention to your scent, a clean female body is a wave of excitement in any male representative. A small amount of perfume also will not hurt.
- If the problem is in the girl, she should fix it herself (if she wants, of course), it is worth to ask the guy what type suits him better. Do this only if there is reciprocity, if the young man has been working on himself for your sake as well.
- Monitor your behavior and conversations. Maybe the girl herself has problems at work, and she splashes out negativity on her beloved.
- Also it may help to have a dramatic change of image. Try to surprise your partner. Jeans and sweatshirts with sneakers is undeniably very comfortable clothes. But an elegant dress and stilettos can turn on the male imagination as well as a porn movie.
- For couples with a long family history, you can advise to try to return the relationship to the very first “candy” period. Start flirting with your man. Intimate correspondence, small but nice gifts, exciting touches to sensitive areas. Remember, how the stronger sex reacts to a languid voice, a sincere smile and gentle tactile contact.
It is recommended to worry about this problem in advance. Regularly arrange intimate evenings with your partner, try to keep yourself well-groomed, do not let go into work with his head. It is worth regularly changing the scenario of bedtime games.
The problem is that there should be a similar payoff from the guy. This is not only the secret of regular sex, but also the key to a happy union.
The Right Conversation
The easiest advice is to talk to your boyfriend and state the lack of intensity in your intimate life. But here comes a couple of unpleasant nuances:
- Women tend to throw around accusations instead of constructive dialogue without thinking. As a result, we will have a small argument or even a real scandal.
- Men often tend to underestimate the criticality of the situation (peculiarities of thinking), as a result of which the outcome of the conversation will be zero.
Lest beloved did not think you’re fooling around, or mad with fat he needs to carefully convey their message and make sure he correctly understood the problem. First, you need to explain the criticality and painfulness of the lack of sex for the girl’s mood and women’s health. Secondly, you need to avoid accusations and ask about the reasons for his refusals.
Only the most inconsiderate and indifferent guy will start to deny and reduce the conversation to a joke. But either way, the first alarm bell to his brain will be delivered.
Too monotonous sex life
One of the main problems of Russians is a lack of sex education. Unfortunately, our people like to go from extreme to extreme. Either plain sex in the missionary position all their lives, or changing partners several times a month and having a sex life without reasonable restrictions.
Now it’s not about raising teenagers, it’s about the lack of knowledge and skills of already formed couples. For some reason some of our girls think that lying on the bed and acting as an immovable and silent figure (if not rougher) is erotic enough. There are similar complaints about the stronger half of humanity, too. Oh, and some people just don’t know how to make intercourse a really great process. All this leads to the fact that sex ceases to bring pleasure.
Such a picture is treated by reading literature of a sexual nature, which can now be found in any bookstore. Adult movies can also help. New positions, new types of sex, sex shop paraphernalia. Believe me, the experiments and diversity in intimacy will make your partner desire sex every night. Otherwise we all get bored with the same activities.
Instead of solving the problem, you can cultivate complexes within yourself, saying that your boyfriend/husband has fallen out of love, “I’ve become ugly” and so on down the list. But the rescue of the drowning – a matter of the drowning. If your young man is passive, take the solution in your capable hands. And the above tips will help you.
Why doesn’t the man want you anymore?
This problem is faced by many women. We all fall in love with beautiful words, actions and attention from a desirable man. And, as a rule, the brightest moments in which he shows his best side, occur at the beginning of the relationship, when you are together, but not yet so close. There is a pleasant understatement, and he uses all his charms and powers to quickly reduce the existing distance between you, to become the full and sole master of your heart. So, when this happens, the well-known story begins. Attention is less and less, romantic actions too, passion is gone, and the ardent gaze of your beloved is now filled with boredom and indifference. As you know, everything has its reasons, and if your man stopped paying attention to you, then it is not only about him, but also about you. So today we decided to analyze this topic in detail, and psychologist Mark Barton will help us in this. He has the answers to the most difficult questions.
Author and facilitator of training in the psychology of relationships Mark Barton
“A woman’s happiness is if she had a sweetheart by her side, and nothing else is needed,” sings a well-known song by Tatyana Ovsienko (49). What do you mean, you do not need anything? Yes, you do! You are unlikely to be satisfied with the passive presence of men in your life. Female happiness – a large-scale and virtually limitless, the scope and limits of which are determined only by the woman. To be loved, desired, protected, to feel care and attention from your loved one – it’s quite natural. Flowers, original declarations of love, crazy deeds, passion – all this must have been in your life, especially in the period of the birth of a relationship with your loved one. You experienced emotions that are difficult to describe, much less compare with anything.But after a while you notice that the relationship with a man has become routine, more like the fulfillment of duties, rather than a manifestation of love. You seem to be together, but you are alone. Where has the romance gone – the desire to surprise and delight? Why has my man lost interest in me? He has another? There are a lot of questions and no answers.
So, what caused the decline of interest of a young man to you? Everyone knows that a man is a hunter. Once you were an impregnable fortress, the very elusive doe, which he lacked. Trying to get your attention, the man thought: “How to win and fall in love? How to master? How to conquer and amaze?” And now the goal is achieved. Emotions have subsided, the hunter is satisfied with the victory, it is no longer necessary to be an active conqueror. This is not to say that love is dead and you should run off in search of a new relationship. If you do that, you will eventually run into the same problem. You’ll keep running from one to the other. Remember: it is impossible to relive the emotions of being in love. It is possible to take the relationship to a different, higher quality, level. Or put up with the situation and live as it turns out, which you and I do not suit. Your task is to return the man’s cooled interest in you.
The very first mistake you can make is trying to evoke feelings of self-pity. Choosing this tactic, you will lose, because he fell in love with a cheerful girl, not miserable. At this point, you are already in a lower position in relation to him. As sad as it sounds, he looks down on you. Things will get back to normal as soon as you start to grow up, get on the same level as him, maybe even higher. In that case, the man will start to panic and wonder, “Why is she changing so much?”
Pay attention to your appearance. Are you as beautiful as when you first met her? Return your image to its former attractiveness and charm. Dress yourself so that other men will pay attention to you as well. Is your hair a faded ponytail or a spontaneous style? Be such that your image charming and cause a sense of slight jealousy in your man.
Your task is to arouse interest in your beloved. Stop begging and persuading him to go with you to the theater. Invite yourself! Buy tickets and put it to the fact. If he finds a reason not to go, go yourself and come home with a bouquet of flowers. When asked who gave it to you, say: the man sitting next door. If you do go together, do not reproach him for his rare outings. Spend this evening to your advantage and say to your man only warm and kind words.
Admire your man. This is very important. Tell him the most uplifting words you can. Forget the reproaches. A husband is looking for a mistress just when he stops being a king for his woman. Avoid the phrases: “How many times do I have to tell you?”, “What are you thinking?”, “I told you a hundred times that…”, “Don’t you see that…”, “Don’t you understand that…”, “Don’t you have trouble remembering that…”, “Why are you bothering me? All people are like people, and you…”, “You’ve become so rude and boring”, “You’re just like your parents”, etc. Instead, say: “I have no one closer than you,” “You are the manliest,” “You are the smartest,” “You always get me right,” “You are so easy,” “You are so good,” “Advise me, you are so good at…,” “I trust no one as much as you,” “I could never do it as well as you,” “How grateful I am for you.” Saying all this will emphasize your man’s importance to you, he needs to feel your admiration for him.
Morning orgasm and scrambled eggs! Yes, you got it right. Satisfying your man sexually and feeding him a good breakfast, you will not leave a free space in his head for thoughts related to other women. He will live the day, admiring you and remembering the voluptuous moments of a beautiful start to the day.
Make up a hobby (if you don’t have one). Take care of not only your home and your man’s interests, but also yourself. Surround yourself with lightness and cheerful people. Your mysterious world will sooner or later arouse your macho man’s interest, and he will begin to show himself.
Give your man freedom. Stop calling idly and asking where he is and with whom. Let him know that you trust him and that he is the best on earth, which means he has the best woman by his side, and he is unlikely to dirty himself with a relationship on the side. Feeling free and all of the above will give him confidence that he won’t want to lose.
Drive your man crazy. Turn your relationship into a theatrical playground. Flirt with him, touch him as often as you can (which places to touch, only you decide, you know best). Your tactile contact with him should take the form of consuming air for him. You’re not there for him, and he goes crazy.
Speak your desires. Not in the form of claims and recriminations, but in the form of reasoning and dreaming. Loudly imagine yourself and your man in the Maldives, fantasize about the beautiful love affairs on the ocean. This will awaken in him a desire to surprise you, and you yourself will not notice how it will happen.
Forget about fears and complexes. You are beautiful in all forms, you are a woman. Only your self-sufficiency and femininity can bring back the former interest of men to you. Respect, but at the same time show no fear of losing him. You’re doing everything right, with you it’s good and comfortable. Only a fool will lose it. Lovely women, you have all the tools in your hands to manipulate a man, some of which you have been introduced to today. I assure you that by applying these recommendations to your life, you will plunge back into the world of romance and passion.