How to prevent the crisis in family relations
Spiritual and spiritual closeness is the key to a long and strong family life. But sometimes intimacy turns into indifference, and indifference turns into alienation. Why do those who swore an oath of eternal fidelity to each other, become strangers? On how to recognize the signs of alienation and prevent crisis in family relationships, says Evgeniya Zotkina, clinical psychologist, Ph.
The first signs.
One of the key identifying signs is irritability without cause, the so-called clinging to the little things. The reason for this irritation is not in them, but lies in a completely different plane.
When people fall in love, they see everything in rosy colors. We often daydream about the other person, imagining things for ourselves. And then life checks how our fantasies about each other coincided with reality. Build up frustration and resentment. And often the spouse their own problems – his unfulfilled, the adoption of bad decisions, his failures – shifts to the partner and requires him to decorate his life. Such people believe that they cannot be happy unless they have a certain set of benefits – a car, an apartment, a lot of money, a prestigious job. They reduce their existence to the most boring schemes – they come home from work, eat and lie on the couch in front of the TV, nothing in life pleases and delights them. And if this tangle is unraveled further, such a person does not really like his job, and his spouse does not suit him. As a rule, such a form of being is learned at an early age by man from his parents, who thought that life must be difficult, that there is nothing good in it, and that there is nothing to rejoice over if deceit and misfortune are everywhere. This is the so-called philosophy of decadence.
Causes of an unhappy marriage
Often spouses become cold to each other and stop being happy in the first place because they have nothing to give each other. You have to understand that the world is an art of the possible; that not everyone can get a job that he likes and earn as much as he would like, but you should always strive for that and not give up on your hopes and desires. And then this person’s life will not turn into a joyless existence, a survival. He does not close his world to the level of his work, he will always find an opportunity to pay attention to his interests. After all, now you can find a lot of interesting things for your own development and enrichment. And it’s not about money at all.
There were conducted neurophysiological studies: scientists scanned the human brain and studied how it reacts to the emotion of joy. It turned out that in order to experience great joy, a person only needs a trifle reason – to smile at a passing child, to pet a cat, to eat a candy. A person can be happy from a trifle, and by accumulating the emotions of joy, he becomes a happy person. The more we rejoice in little things, the more we develop the ability to rejoice. The same thing happens with negative emotions.
And it seems to a person that he will be much happier if he wins a car, buys an apartment, or makes a lot of money than if he just goes for a walk in the park and rejoices in the first snow or sunshine. The brain reacts to “big” and “small” joy in exactly the same way. Therefore, it is important to fill your life with small joys, and then your spouse will feel the joy coming from you, and also share their joy with you. For example, to prepare dinner and put food on beautiful plates, decorate the table, dress nicely. Small joys and a desire to make your life more beautiful, more interesting a lot in the family changes for the better.
If one spouse has lost interest in the other
This happens quite often in married couples. In general it is rare when spouses equally love each other and treat each other equally well. In such a situation it is important not to resent your spouse, or spouse that he does not meet your expectations, but to try to understand his mood, to give the other an opportunity to be himself. If you have a trusting relationship, you can try to talk about it. It happens that men have problems at work and they have nothing to do, all the little joys of home fade into the background, and while these problems are not solved, he will walk around gloomy and joyless, and you personally have nothing to do with it. In that case, it’s better not to touch him, do not pester him with questions, do not force him to be cheerful and happy, and give him an opportunity to be in this state. Feeling the other person and giving him free space in the relationship is very important in family life.
How to fix the situation when the husband and wife have grown cold to each other
It is always possible to fix a difficult marital situation if the spouses want to fix it. Often people make the mistake of trying to leave their old family and find a new partner, not realizing that they need to solve their own problems – the inability to rejoice, trust, and forgive. Often in this situation, people choose a completely mirror partner and step on the same rake. So before you make this or that step, you first need to sort yourself out and understand why you are bored and uninterested in marriage, why you require your partner to love you, entertain, amuse, confirm your own importance. After all, even if you are disappointed in your partner, you can always remain in the field of respect for the other person, try to accept his dissimilarity, find pleasant topics of conversation, make your relationship as pleasant as possible for each other while you are together.
Situations are different, and in some cases it is worth fighting for the preservation of the family, and in some cases for both spouses is better to separate. For example, if the husband is constantly something unhappy, for no reason to pick on his wife, and it has become a major leitmotif of their relationship, then of course, this is a kind of problem that must be solved. And sometimes it also happens that it really can’t be solved and it will be better for both spouses to get out of the relationship.
In what cases do you need a psychologist to save the marriage
Start sounding the alarm when spouses are very irritated with each other and can no longer be in the same space. Everything irritates them – smells, sounds, no matter what one says to the other. This is where you need to understand the root cause, why is it so annoying? Most of the grievances in marital relationships stem from childhood – unspoken grievances against the parents end up in grievances against the spouse. As a rule, the main motive for entering into marriage in such a person is a longing for intimacy, a longing for love, it seems that he is lonely, and he wants to fill his gaping void with another person. Getting married, people with such inner needs at first feel euphoria from the new relationship, they entertain themselves with illusions and hopes, they make plans – we’ll make repairs, buy a car, have a baby, and life will get better. But it does not get better, because initially the internal request to the partner to save you from loneliness was not possible, as his emptiness man can fill only his inner world. And when suddenly one of the spouses realizes that, despite the slimness of plans, he is still unhappy and nothing pleases him, he is terribly disappointed in the relationship and shifts the blame from himself to the other. In such a situation, to sort yourself out, you should seek help from a specialist who you could trust to solve your problems.
Having children as a way to save the marriage.
There is no definite answer whether having children can save a marriage. Of course, children don’t solve the problems of the couple’s attachment to each other. Of course, they bring a lot of happiness and joy, but at the same time married life becomes more complicated and uncomfortable. And if the spouses have claims before the baby, with his birth are likely to become even more claims to each other. If the spouses did not originally have a subtle emotional connection between them, they do not appear.
How should behave spouses in marriage, to always be interesting to each other.
If we talk about the ideal marital union, it is the union of two individuals who are interesting in themselves. They do not have a request for a partner to make their life interesting, rich, fun; they do not make demands, but discover new activities and phenomena for themselves. There are many things in life that are exciting, and when spouses are each individually interesting to live with, they have no claims on each other. Moreover, in a married couple, everyone can have their own hobbies. The husband may like fishing, his wife – into handicrafts, but it is important that such couples are open to everything new and life is interesting to them. And such people, uniting in matrimonial union, certainly enrich each other. In any situation they find the ability to be surprised and delighted, because the world is not completely cognizable, colorful and polyphonic.
Love / not love: what to do if the family relationship is complicated.
There is a popular phrase: we all come from childhood. It’s true, because it is in the family we get first experience of communication and the first knowledge of the world, which affects all of our later life. Interactions with significant adults form ideas about security and interpersonal relationships. That is why it is so important that a secure attachment is formed in the family, that is, that children have trust in adults and a sense of security.
Unfortunately, not all parents are emotionally literate enough to build a reliable and trusting relationship with their child from the first years of life. Family discord often causes destructive behavior and emotional instability in adolescents. Problems in communication, difficulties in self-determination, the desire to please, or, conversely, indifference to the opinions of others – as a rule, it all does not start from scratch, but is the result of childhood traumas. According to the stroking theory, when a child is ignored at home, he or she seeks some kind of response from the family, even a negative one. The desire for parental attention provokes the child to do dangerous or harmful things.
I feel like I’m not loved.
In some families, children face such a problem as a lack of parental warmth, the feeling that you are not loved. If a child at any age experiences such emotions, it is a serious reason to talk to parents and a psychologist. Unconditional parental love is a basic human need, so if it is absent for whatever reason, it can bring a lot of pain and frustration. At the same time, sometimes people, even the closest ones, do not have the same emotional habits, and it is possible that parents show love in ways that the child simply cannot notice or understand.
Together with a psychologist, or independently, the teenager needs to learn to recognize and spell out his feelings. Then the depth of the problem will become more tangible and it will be possible to share experiences with parents. It is very difficult to start such a conversation on their own, because in the ideal scenario, it is up to the adults to resolve this issue.
But sometimes parents do not dare to admit their mistakes and do not understand that family relationships need to be worked on. If you want to talk to the family about what hurts you, what you miss and what you want, it is better to prepare in advance. For example, write out your reflections in a journal. It is important to remember that regardless of the reaction of your parents, you are good if you dared to have such a discussion.
I get scolded all the time and never praised.
Another common problem in parent-child relationships: the child receives only negative stroking from adults. For example, a parent scolds a teenager for bad grades in math and as if he does not notice achievements in other areas, praises little for fives, but scolds heavily for threes. To get out of this negative circle, you can directly ask your parents for positive reinforcement, telling them that you need praise. Chances are, parents will respond to such a soulful impulse.
If it is not possible to change the relationship with your family, try to keep your own self-esteem: this is very important, much more important than the remarks of adults who cannot please you all the time. Remember that your value depends not only on the opinion of your parents, and making mistakes is absolutely normal as long as you learn and grow up. It is possible to find friends with whom you will feel safe. It is worth paying attention to the praise of teachers and others. Try to focus not on negative comments from parents, but on compliments and support from others. Spend as much time as possible with those friends who help you grow and improve.
I’m bored with my parents
In time, parents cease to be the only significant people in our lives. Boredom or unwillingness to spend leisure time together should not cause a child to feel ashamed, because separation from the family is a natural stage of growing up.
If you feel sad, try to find common ground, suggest that your parents do something together. We enjoy spending time with people with whom we share common activities and hobbies. This rule works for the family as well. If there happens to be a distance between parents and children in the family, it can be reduced only by mutual efforts. It is great to be friends with the family, but you must do it only out of interest and love, and not out of guilt.
Worldview conflict between parents and children
Adolescence is a period of active exploration of the world. At this time, a person is often seized by different philosophical and political ideas, and they want to discuss their beliefs with others. But often in the family there is an ideological or ideological split.
The reason for the dispute can be a different view of historical events, attitudes towards social movements or religion. Sometimes a disagreement between family members can be very painful, especially if your opinion is not taken seriously.
In this situation, it is important to have patience to see if it is worth discussing such topics with your parents. If adults are aggressive during an argument, it is best to avoid the discussion. It is unlikely that you will be able to change the minds of adults who are not used to questioning their beliefs, and it is important to allow for the possibility that you yourself are wrong about something, too. When the boundaries of an argument are safe for you, it can even be useful to learn why people take the opposite position. In addition, the discussion will give you the opportunity to exercise your eloquence and strengthen your arguments.
Try to follow the rules of environmentally friendly communication in such arguments: don’t get personal and don’t raise your voice. Quiet conversations about important issues in life, where both sides can hear each other, will enrich you and your parents intellectually.
Caring and personal boundaries
A common cause of parent-child conflict is excessive control. As a rule, adults try to warn children against the dangers of the world. However, when control becomes hyperactive, it begins to harm the child. Before you quarrel with adults about this, it is necessary to understand whether their requirements are adequate from the point of view of objective factors. For example, up to 18 years old children are not allowed by law to walk alone at night, so a curfew is quite a reasonable rule for underage students. A completely different situation is reading a child’s correspondence: this is a gross violation of personal boundaries. In such a case, it will be useful to visit a psychologist to learn how to set boundaries in communication with parents and gradually separate.
How to help yourself
As a teenager, you need to learn emotional self-regulation. To adapt to a stressful situation and survive it with minimal damage to the psyche, you need to look for healthy coping strategies that will help in a crisis moment.
Let’s list the main tools of psychological defense in quarrels with parents:
- To cope with strong emotional tension, sports or any physical activity helps. Especially useful will be activities that have repetitive movements (washing dishes, walking): by performing these activities, the body gets physically tired, and mental worries temporarily recede into the background.
- To cope with the physiological manifestations of stress, psychologists advise doing breathing exercises: this calms the nervous system and reduces anxiety.
- remember to drink water when you get upset or angry. At times of stress, the body is severely dehydrated, so it is important to restore resources.
The most effective way to deal with difficult family relationships is in a calm state of mind.
To strengthen your stress tolerance and improve your teen’s self-esteem, you can take these four steps:
- Build your “bank of strokes.” Keep and cherish good memories of yourself: praise yourself when you’re good at something, listen to others when someone notices your virtues. To maintain your self-esteem and emotional stability, you must develop a love of yourself, remember what you are competent at and what you respect yourself for.
- Set priorities in life, reflect on what is valuable to you. Think about what you like to do, what you want from your future, set yourself goals. These should be global goals that relate somehow to the question, “What is most important to me in life?” Confidence in your ideals will help you to more easily endure any quarrels and crises.
- Give enough time to your hobbies or favorite school subjects. Study, sports and creativity are areas of self-realization, a way to become more confident, find new acquaintances, gain autonomy from the family. Through hobby groups and sections, teenagers can communicate with the world and get more positive emotions. It is important for this activity to be constructive and interesting.
- Appreciate your friends and intelligently choose whom you can trust. Try to communicate with those who treat you with care. Talking with a close friend helps us reflect on our experiences and teaches us how to deal with difficult emotions.
Attachment problems leave an imprint on all subsequent human relationships, including with oneself.