He is a wonderful man, but I am not aroused.
Hello! I am a final year university student, unmarried, no children. For a long time (4 years) I was dating a guy and had a very warm, intimate, family relationship. However, intimate life with him never satisfied me, it was the first experience for both of us. All these 4 years I looked at other guys, men, fell in love, wanted a relationship with them, but never got to intimacy with anyone.
I honestly told my boyfriend about my likes and tried to change him to be more like them, more relaxed, confident, attractive. He is a humble physicist without business acumen, but a very kind and dear person to me. Then I put up with the fact that he has his faults, because the main thing is that he is a good and loving. Dating him, I felt like a solid lady “goodbye youth,” but I put up with it and considered myself frigid. This year I went to a student camp and realized that I had given up on myself as a woman in vain. I saw a lot of young people, fit in with them, met people, and felt in great demand from the opposite sex, athletic, beautiful and healthy. Started a relationship with another guy, which then led to sexual intimacy. I told the first guy everything and realized that I couldn’t be with him, I couldn’t, I didn’t want him, I was woozy, there was no spark. Sex with the second guy showed me that I was not frigid, on the contrary, a healthy temperamental young girl. I am grateful to him for that, but I don’t see a future with him, evaluating some traits of his character (unreliability, possibly insincerity). I would very much like to be with my first boyfriend, to stay with him for the rest of my life, he is a wonderful man, but as I imagine that again will go lean, dreary life without sexual gratification, I want to cry, because I do not want him completely and he is very inexperienced, I do not see how he can excite me, because perhaps I perceive him as ungroomed, not strong-willed, not attractive, not able to behave with girls. Please tell me what to do? How to improve the sex life?
Author of the question: Alyona
It’s an interesting task you’re asking–you’ve learned through experience that frigidity is not your diagnosis. In fact, true frigidity is extremely rare. Most “frigid” people are people with no happiness in sex, that’s all. They can’t afford to be happy, including in the intimate sphere, but at the same time, they are very good people (kind, honest, responsive. even affectionate in excess). Statistics and magazines can tell you the reasons, and you can pick out the ones that seem to be “about you and him.” But in this situation, the logical thing to do would be to look for another man, and in asking, “How to get your sex life going. I would really like to be with my first boyfriend, stay with him for the rest of my life, he’s a wonderful man.” Can you fix it? – You can. How? It’s a relatively long process of work with a psychologist, because sexual life is not just an action like “how to learn how to make coffee or bake pancakes.” Sexual life is life. If you don’t allow yourself (not by choice, but by fate) to live this life as it should be by temperament, age and state at the moment (age, sex, etc.), then the question of just having sex, in fact, goes from the category of “HOW TO SET LIFE UP”. Yes, by adjusting different aspects of life (and what they are broken and why – it is unclear, except that you are both smart, and therefore educated and not primitive enough), you can adjust people’s sex life. There are situations where 2 people’s lives get better after a couple of consultations, sometimes longer…it’s different. There are very long relationships without happiness, when people have already despaired, and suddenly it turns out that “there is still gunpowder”. what to say about a young couple. But it is difficult to say exactly how psychologists fix other people’s lives. It is a lot of years of study, practice and personal development, which are combined in one burst in order to turn out as you want, with the person you want. You, of course, can remake it. but your experience is 4 years. and the result is one – went to camp and realized that 4 years something was done wrong. or something wrong. So, think, if you really want to live your life with this man, you will have to put a lot of effort, to try and use the help of a professional to be able to change the “riverbed”.
What to do if the guy does not excite and how to correct the situation?
I do not write beautiful texts in order to get paid. I get paid for what I write beautiful texts.
The expert – Victoria Fomina.
Physician sexologist highest category, psychiatrist and psychotherapist. I have been working as a sexologist for more than 10 years. I help couples solve problems in sexuality.
Loss of interest in sex with a partner is not uncommon. This phenomenon applies to both women and men. To understand what to do if a guy does not excite, a girl needs to understand the possible causes, which can be physiological and psychological.
- 1 Psychological reasons
- 2 Physiological problems
- 3 How to correct the situation?
The first reason is the lack of foreplay in sex. If on a subconscious level the girl is sure that she will not like the process, she will view it from the prism of her own opinion. The partner will cease to be associated with getting pleasure, therefore she will not be perceived as a sexual object.
The second main factor is stress. If a girl’s life is like a wheel and she hardly ever rests, there is a problem with relaxation. This point includes resentment of the partner. Some women can not accept sex or signs of attention from the person with whom there was previously a conflict.
The third reason is the lack of desire on previous occasions. When a girl sees sex as an obligation and does it only because of a sense of duty, the process ceases to be enjoyable. It turns into a routine, and the main mission becomes not even getting or bringing pleasure to yourself and your partner, but reaching orgasm. In this case the woman ceases to understand what she and her partner want, therefore she does not spend time on satisfaction. She views sex as a “mission,” in which arousal plays the last role.
The fourth one is shyness. Some ladies are afraid to say what they like, hence they do not get what they want. The reason for this is the fear to be misunderstood or ridiculed. What to do if the guy does not excite, but you are ashamed to say so? Some women think that the way out is to simulate an orgasm. Ladies understand that this is wrong and want to avoid sex, so at a subconscious level they do not consider the guy as a partner.
The last, but just as important reason is the lack of variety. It occurs in long-term and new relationships equally. Partners do not try something new, the routine is boring. At a certain point it may seem that feelings for the person dried up, but they did not. Just one partner does not reach the set bar of expectations, and the other because of shyness or for other reasons does not look for ways to establish a sexual life; the guy and the girl do not discuss the problem.
The main reason is a decrease in libido. This process is a consequence of hormonal imbalance. It often appears as a side effect of taking unsuitable birth control pills.
The second factor that affects the sex drive is the presence of bad habits. Chronic alcoholism, taking drugs can discourage desire. For pleasure (relaxation) it is enough for them to get an additional doping. Despite the common misconception about loosening up after taking alcohol, a strong drink dulls desire (in moderate doses) and removes it (in large doses) definitively.
The disease also affects the hormonal background. Lack of sexual desire may be a symptom of sexual diseases (e.g., vaginismus).
One of the factors is lack of sleep. Because of the lack of rest, a person will not be able to think about anything else but a warm bed. Sleep deprivation makes the partner nervous, which can cause a backlash in the form of unwillingness to have sex with an irritable person.
How to fix the situation?
The first step to solving the problem is identification. It is necessary to understand which of the above is appropriate. To do this, you need to reconsider your lifestyle and eliminate harmful factors.