What to do if you are yelled at – psychologist’s tips
How do you react to yelling? Do you cry, start to scream back, go into a stupor? Would you like to learn the right reaction to people around you screaming, which would allow you to stay in a calm emotional state?
Screaming is a defensive reaction. A person who yells is incapable of keeping himself or herself in line. But how to behave, so that all the same communication from conflict turned into a productive? You will find the answer in this article.
Why do people scream?
Why does a baby scream? He is trying to draw attention to his needs and wants, to express his fear or pain. He doesn’t know any other way to get adults’ attention. Screaming is the most basic way of social interaction.
So does the adult in situations of miscommunication try to use yelling. Screaming is a way to get someone to do something or, on the contrary, to force him or her to refuse to do something. Yelling is manipulation in situations of helplessness or irritation.
Think about it, you yourself sometimes yell. In what situations?
You would probably answer, “when people don’t understand me. Screaming is a way of “getting through” to the other person. But this is if it’s not aggressive, if the goal is to intimidate or cause harm.
There are a huge number of uses for yelling. A boss yells at a subordinate to make him work more productively. A teacher yells at a student to influence his behavior. A friend to get his point across. A parent to explain a child’s mistakes.
Sometimes yelling is a way of defusing. You’ve been snapped at by yelling from accumulated negativity. As the saying goes, “got under the hot hand.”
Within reasonable limits, yelling is appropriate. But if it appears as an aggressive manifestation, it is an indicator of destructiveness. Remember that this is a situation of danger, so you should not provoke an inadequate person by yelling back.
How to react to yelling
So what to do if you are yelled at? Well first of all to understand the reasons for shouting. If this powerlessness or irritation that you can not affect – a constructive way out is possible. If the person is hostile – it is better to wind up the dialogue and leave.
You should stick to the following rules if you are being yelled at:
What to do if you are yelled at?
- Don’t make excuses and calmly state your point of view.
That way you make yourself look like a victim. It is better to say, “I understand why you are angry…”, “I understand your feelings…”, “I understand why you are not in the mood right now…” And then make your point: “…but I can’t make it any faster,” “…but I don’t share them,” “…but it’s not my fault.”
- Ask why the person is yelling.
A question such as “Why are you screaming now?” will either put the person in a stupor, or he or she will reveal the true reason for his or her screaming. Sometimes the scream was not meant for you at all, but you were caught “under fire”.
This question should be asked with a pause and a calm tone. Very often the person shouting at you himself does not understand why he is shouting. This question will help him look at the situation “from the outside”.
- Say in a calm tone that the shouting displeases you.
Never use the word “yell,” it will provoke the person even more. It is better to use “yell. Be respectful. Construct phrases like this: “I’m sorry, but your yelling disgusts me,” “No need to raise the tone that you demand, unfortunately, is not in my power.
In cases with people close to you (parents, boyfriend, husband, kids), say so: “When you yell at me, I feel scared / I feel uncomfortable / I get upset / I start to feel bad, let’s talk about it calmly.”
Yes, yes, exactly thank you. This will discourage the person. Phrases can be phrased as follows: “Thank you for bringing this information to my attention,” “Thank you, I wasn’t paying attention before,” “Thank you for letting me know about this.”
More often than not, the conflict is minimized, the person stops shouting and becomes ready for a constructive dialogue. After all, the main purpose of yelling is to convey information. And if you took it with gratitude, the person does not need to shout.
- Act surprise.
Another way to besiege and baffle the person who is yelling at you. Be surprised at the shout, portray bewilderment. You can add the phrase, “I’m very surprised at your reaction.” The person who is yelling is expecting aggression, fear, depression, and here is surprise.
Surprise will help switch the person. Chances are he will stop screaming. And while he feels discouraged by your behavior, you can try to get your point across to him.
- Defuse the situation.
Make a joke. But appropriately and without sarcasm. It will help the person to relieve the tension that he is projecting into the screaming. And then you can discuss the misunderstanding. The joke should be funny and switch the attention.
- Compliment him.
Oh, this is sure to baffle the man. A compliment is a powerful weapon against shouting, and helps with conflict resolution in general. A compliment should be done sincerely, avoiding flattery. Praise the person for real accomplishments.
You can use the following variations: “You are a great leader, with your help we will eliminate all the problems”, “You are the best mommy in the world, I will definitely listen to you”, “You are an authoritative teacher, so we will easily clear up this situation”.
- Start talking very quietly.
The yelling person will have to listen to understand what you’re talking about, so they’ll lower their own tone. This method is very effective, especially in arguments with a very emotional person.
All of the above methods work when a person is annoyed at not being understood or heard. People use yelling as manipulation to get through to the other person.
But there are also other cases: when the person shouting is hostile, the person has a high level of aggression, the person uses shouting as a way of psychological violence, and subsequently the shouting can turn into assault.
Or it happens that some people have sudden outbursts of aggression due to some diseases. If you are in a situation of danger and screaming can pass into physical harm, use the following algorithm:
What to do if your parents are constantly yelling at you?
Unfortunately, no one is immune from yelling from parents. It is possible that your family also has this problem. But do not worry – it is quite solvable.
We will tell you what to do if your parents are constantly yelling at you. We will give recommendations on the correct interaction with them in the process. And we’ll even tell you how to get rid of the problem.
About verbal abuse
Unfortunately, parents very often not only yell, but also call their children names. It is necessary to react to this correctly to prevent a repetition of the situation in the future. And to prevent problems with self-esteem.
You can calmly approach an adult and say that you are offended to listen to insults in your address. Ask that the situation will not repeat.
As an addition you can be offended. Pretend that you are not talking to the relative. Do not interact with him in any way for at least a day. He must understand that insulting you is bad, and will have consequences.
That said, you shouldn’t be called names even if you are really at fault. There are a huge number of alternative ways in which you can influence the child. Explain to parents that it is better to resort to these than to use hurtful negative words.
What to do if insults in your family have become the norm?
If your parents are constantly insulting and humiliating you, then, most likely, such behavior in the family has become normal. As a consequence, it will be almost impossible to get rid of it. In this case it is highly recommended that you try to talk to your parents. If the dialogue does not help, and they do not stop insulting, or at least reduce the degree of heat of passion, the problem with you forever. And the only way to get rid of such criticism is to wait until you turn 18 and move out. In this case, you can live peacefully, and avoid discomfort.
Don’t tell anyone about problems in the family.
Keep information about problems in the family to yourself. Don’t tell it to anyone you don’t know. Especially at school or college.
Information that gets into the wrong hands will spread quickly. As a consequence, you may be laughed at.
The only person you can tell your problems to is a friend. And only if he knows how to keep a secret. In this case, get the job done.
Try to let the shouting pass you by and answer calmly
In response to the screams from parents you can try an alternative line of behavior. It is unconventional, and therefore will bring you a very positive effect.
As part of the method, you have to listen carefully to the shouting parent. And then tell him in as calm a voice as possible that you will do as he asked. Or tell him that you heard him. And so on.
It is extremely important to respond to the scream calmly. Then parents will be ashamed in a flash for raising their voice. They will understand, that they made a quarrel for nothing. And they will go to any lengths to make up. Especially if you’re really up to the task.
Calm yourself down.
As soon as they started yelling at you, try to calm down. Take deep breaths. Several times. In this case you will be able to restore breathing. As a consequence, and equanimity. The situation will affect you positively, and you’ll be able to easily perceive the situation that others are trying to convey to you.
Get out of the conflict zone
If your parents begin to yell at you, walk silently into another room. Say at the same time that you will not communicate with them in such a tone. Say that you are waiting for your parents in the next room, but with normal rhetoric. Without yelling, insults and other kinds of pressure.
It is worth doing this just a few times, and your parents will begin to communicate with you better. They will do everything in their power to interact with you respectfully. It is quite possible that the habit of shouting will gradually go away.
Leave the house every time you are yelled at (for a short time)
Naturally, such leaving should not last for too long. You can leave the house for half an hour or an hour. To walk, listen to music, think about life. And then return home calm.
You should react in a similar way every time your parents yell at you. In this case, they will understand that it is not necessary to do. As a consequence, they will get rid of any problems they have in the long run. They will not yell at you because they will feel discomfort every time you leave.
Try to act like an adult
When interacting with your parents, you need to act like an adult. Think about whether you provoke them. It is possible that you are constantly throwing socks in the room, get bad grades in school and bully. You may also be the one who gets them into trouble.
Maybe it’s not your parents’ fault that they regularly yell at you. They just have to respond to various antics involving you. Which puts your safety in question.
Don’t make your parents angry.
It is very common for children to be the initiators of their parents’ yelling themselves. For example, the first tease them, call them names, insult them. Present various claims.
Try to behave carefully in relation to loved ones. Do not allow yourself to insult them, raise your voice, humiliate in every way. The person should understand that you treat him well. It is possible that in this case you will not cause him a negative reaction. As a consequence, the fight will be stopped at an early stage. And you will feel great about the interaction.
Agree with parents to solve all issues through dialogue
Call your parents for a conversation. Tell them that their yelling really hurts you. Also, spoil your psyche.
Tell them that yelling in the family is not normal. There are alternative ways of dealing with issues that will make it easier to interact. And, in addition, extract a much better effect. This is a direct conversation in which each side talks about their side of the issue. How she sees the solution to this or that problem.
Consider the position of your parents.
When engaging in dialogue, it is important not only to give your side of the story, but also to listen. Give the parents the opportunity to express their view of the problem. It may well turn out that it will have a positive effect on you. You will understand why the adults were yelling. You will be able to analyze the situation as to who is actually right.
It may well turn out that it was you who was to blame for the conflict. Awareness of the problem will prevent its repetition. With all the negative consequences. In particular, further quarrels and conflicts.
Explain to the adults that any raising of voice to your address will cause you negative emotions
Adults should understand that any quarrels are bad. Especially if you are insulted or humiliated as part of it. Have a negative impact by shouting.
Explain your feelings. Say that you feel extremely negative about the interaction. That you feel hurt – feelings are tearing at you from the inside.
In this case, you will feel great about yourself. After all, there is a chance that your parents will realize their mistake. Do everything in order not to commit it again in the process of communicating with you.
Work on your own behavior
Make sure you analyze your behavior. Maybe it’s not your parents’ fault for your problems, but maybe you are doing something wrong. For example, you don’t study well, you make them mad at home, you put some pressure. Or do any other actions that can cause parents to be angry. And, as a consequence, the negative impact on you in the form of yelling.
Very often parents lose their temper for a reason. But they are faced with various problems which the child does not notice. For example, throwing things in his room, studying poorly, behaving too infantile. Or commits any other mistakes.
Think about it, it may well be that in the process of life is worth getting rid of the problematic behavior. As a consequence, the situation will have a positive effect on you. It will make you feel comfortable. And your parents will not be angry.
Find a compromise with your parents
Ask adults what exactly it is that pisses them off about your behavior. In this case, they will list the things they do not like. You can take it for granted. As a consequence, it will be easy to cope with the task at hand.
Just write down all the things that cause your parents to be negative. Start fixing the problems step by step. This way you will deprive your parents of a reason to swear at you. And your relationship with them will improve many times over. Which will have a positive effect on your relationship with adults. It will make them harmonious. And they will not be a threat to your psyche.