My husband fell out of love. How to go on living?
Let’s start with the fact that we have been together for 9+ years, married for 6 years. We have a 3.5 year old son. My husband is 34 years old, I am 27 years old. I am my husband’s second wife, we separated long before we met, and we have a child from that marriage too. We lived in different ways: there were quarrels and offenses and scandals, and a lot of happiness and love, but it never came to divorce! Six months ago my husband changed a lot: he became colder to me, sex became less frequent (because of him), in general I felt some estrangement from me. It was a very difficult period: there were strong financial problems and a very tense situation with the apartment, probably all of us had some shock at that time. Of course I blamed all of his behavior on these difficulties, and he said so himself when I tried to talk to him. Of course thoughts of cheating crept in, but nothing was confirmed, but I did not purposely go anywhere or find out anything. I do not dig on the subject of treason to this day, and probably in vain (( In the summer he went on a business trip for a month and a half (it is periodic and happens always), I thought he would come and change something, because it was time to relax from us and from all the difficulties imposed on us. But no … he came just as he had left: cold, alien. (( Further went periods of waves: like live-communicate a few days normally (still not as all our years before that, but still at least more or less), then again all is bad: something happens and I begin to suspect that he cheats (well there to phone does not come, turns it off, returns late, some facts do not converge) and I begin to arrange showdown with him, to cry, to ask him to be the same, that I really love him. He almost cried when I told him that he also wanted us to be fine, that he cares about us, but at the same time he did not respond to my words of love as before. He kept saying that he was just stuck, that he was going through such a difficult period that I should not touch him. And after that for a few days everything seems normal, I feel that he is with us, everything is ok, etc. And then it happens all over again. Recently once again after another seemingly “warm” period (though of course it’s still not the same) things got worse. I went for sex, he refused me and I could not stand it and began to say: what is it, what is going on, can you finally explain it to me! And then he blurted it out to me. (( He said that his feelings for me are long gone, he has been struggling with himself for a long time (he did not say how long), trying to pull himself together, but nothing works. he does not feel anything for me. i am writing this, and my hands are shaking and my throat is sick with horror. He does not want anything and can not fix it, and he considers further attempts pointless. Of course I cried and told him that I loved him madly, just like before. I asked him what he was thinking about doing next, what plans he had, but he wouldn’t say anything. He probably does not have the courage to tell me to “pack your things and leave,” because in our case it is me who has to do this. I am shocked, I say that since he gives up, I will fight alone for our love, we have to try, because we have a responsibility to our family, to the child. I asked him if he has someone: he denies it. He said he understood that he was tormenting me a lot with his behavior and his attitude toward me. But he cannot and does not want to change anything. He loves his child. I cried and screamed that I didn’t care, I couldn’t lose our family, that I loved him.
I asked him many times what he wanted to do next and how to go on living – he didn’t answer, but he said something like this is the end Since that day, I have been feeling almost lifeless for almost a week now. I love him madly, memories of us, our places, our dreams, our plans, etc. keep popping into my head. My whole conscious life is connected only to him, without him I am not there. After this conversation, another “warm” period did not follow. My husband hardly ever talks to me, hardly ever responds to calls and texts, comes in late at night, leaves early in the morning. When we see each other, or still talk on the phone – the usual conversation, the usual words, but his coldness seems to have become even stronger, he does not even try to pretend that everything is normal, everything will be fine. I do not know what to do, whether I am doing the right thing not to leave, and in general I did the right thing not to leave immediately after these words, and stayed. I want to keep him, I cannot lose him. But how can I be and what can I do? I have a terrible condition: I can’t make myself eat or sleep, I have lost a lot of weight, I cry all the time. The child is terribly nervous. Should I pack up and leave? I’m afraid that he will not bring me back, and it will definitely be the end. (( I do not understand to the end of what he feels and thinks: communicates with me badly – then he is angry that I do not go away? I feel terribly humiliated. How to get out of this horror of everything? I have always been behind him and his love like a stone wall, I could never imagine that such a thing could happen to us. I feel guilty before the child, before my mother, I feel that I am to blame for not being able to keep my family, but at the same time while I am here, with him, and I have some hope that now we wake up and it turns out it was all a terrible dream and everything will be okay, everything will be fine. I try not to cry in front of him, I pretend that everything is normal, everything is as usual, but my soul is black.
You are being told directly that you do not love him, that is the end, and you are trying to pretend that everything is normal. You are asking how to go on living? Very simply – to start to build your life without this man. There is life after the divorce.
It pains me to read you, you really are having an incredibly hard time. And you have to be very strong to come out of this situation with dignity.
I’ve been on the other side. I was dating a man who had fallen out of love with his wife a long time ago, but she also refused to accept it as reality. Immediately catching slippers and explaining – fell out long before we met, by the time I was there it had long been clear, he had openly had some women, could not live at home for half a year, only came to the child. But it was his parents’ apartment, so his wife had to leave. He couldn’t kick her out – the child, he offered to help her get a separate place to live, etc. But for 5 (!!!) years she preferred to pretend that nothing was going on.
I’ll tell you, you have only one chance to come out of all this with dignity. You have to pull yourself together, accept as a fact that this stage of life is over, you have to pass the threshold and go forward to the next one. The best option now is to tell yourself that you will think about love and pain tomorrow, and today you need to act. Sit down and think about where and how you can move, what you need for a separate life, what is missing. Offer to discuss with your husband – with paper and pencil! point by point! accept the help he is willing to give, and go. It will be hard, there will be withdrawal, but the only chance to get him back (if at all possible) is not to smear yourself on the plinth with snot and tears, but to show the kind of self he would be proud of. Believe me, you won’t get anywhere on pity and guilt! Only irritation will increase from his side, over time up to physical disgust – I have a living example before my eyes.
I would do exactly that – honey, I still love you, but I respect and accept your choice. I don’t need one-sided love – I’m young, beautiful, and I can still be happy. So let’s sit down and talk about how we can get out of this, so that there are no hard feelings and claims, so that the child can keep both father and mother, so that only the good things that we had are remembered – after all, we were happy once, and I am grateful to you for that. And that’s it!
Believe me, men shake up when they see that the ex – strong, proud, self-sufficient, while not scandalized, not humiliated, not guilt-ridden. The hunter instinct immediately wakes up if there are any feelings left. If you do not take control now, you will lose him forever, you will lose your time, and still have a long time to restore self-esteem and normal perception of life. Be brave – you will get through this! you have a son! your son has a father. He happens to be out of love, it happens. That’s no reason for you to lose precious months of your only life now. Believe me, he or another, there is a man who will make you still happy. But you have to be prepared for that too. Good luck to you!
There’s no need to jump to conclusions. So what if he says he doesn’t love you? You have a child together, the family is 9 years old – you can’t throw that out the window. After 30 begins a mid-life crisis, hormonal restructuring of the body, read the relevant literature. He is 34 and now he feels a decrease in sex drive, and it is normal for his age, the peak of sexuality (20-25 years) is behind him. Many men at this age begin to “renew” themselves with younger girlfriends, trying to return and once again survive the hormonal explosion. Well, you split up, and then what? He will go to high school girls, and where will you go? And the child, especially the boy? As I understand your husband did not file for divorce and did not deprive you of maintenance? Give him to understand that for you the happiness of your child, he should grow up in a full family. Maybe your husband is not busy enough family matters, so let him spend more time with his child, his son needs a father! Challenge him with domestic problems: repairs, cottage, buying new furniture or a car. Only the scandals and tears here can not help. And love – an ephemeral feeling, eventually transformed into respect, empathy, compassion. In Russian there was a word “pity”, which was used to describe love. By the way, if you are married, it is a good idea to go to a priest for a consultation.
It is possible that your husband did not fall out of love with you, but he just had some kind of crisis, depression, tensions in his life, so all his feelings are gone. Including feelings for you. It is possible that once this situation is resolved, he will remember that he loves you again. But I don’t think you are acting right now. You have been told that you are not loved, in which case hanging around his neck and telling him that you love him makes no sense. First of all, because he may have feelings of guilt, because he does not respond to your feelings. And feelings of guilt very quickly transformed into rejection. Many people do not like those to whom they feel guilty, subconsciously trying to remove them from their lives. Give it time. You certainly run the risk, he may not change his mind and not come back to you. But sitting there, you just make everything worse, you make him angry, and now you do not need it. Leaving all the same will have to. Try to do everything without tantrums, without unnecessary emotions, talk about all matters relating to the child and go. You will have to be patient and wait, wait, wait. Everything can be, maybe things will get better. I sincerely wish you this.
What to do if he has fallen out of love
You have realized that beside his beloved feel lonely, strange and unnecessary? This is cause to think that something went wrong in your relationship. If he became cold to you, lives his life, wondering what happens to you very rarely and only “check the box”, then most likely now he does not feel to you the feelings that were before.
You have realized that beside his beloved feel lonely, strange and unwanted? This is a reason to think that something went wrong in your relationship. If he became cold to you, lives his life, wondering what happens to you very rarely and only “check the box”, then most likely now he does not feel to you the feelings that were before. How to behave in such a situation, how to survive the difficult time with the least emotional losses, the author of “Lady Mail.Ru” and a psychologist, Gestalt therapist Tatiana Gavrilyak discussed.
It is important to understand that it is not about a cyclical downturn in the relationship. All couples go through periods of crisis, when passions subside, and you are not so strongly attracted to each other. If you notice something wrong, do not immediately think that this is the end. Give yourself and him time to see what happens next. However, if you are already thinking about what to do if the husband fell out of love and the cold snap dragged on, if you see that on his part there is not the slightest attempt to keep your couple, then it’s a reason to wonder whether this couple is at all?
Symptoms of “unloving.”
“The concept of ‘unloving’ is a very relative one. It may seem like there is no love anymore. But in fact there is just a large number of accumulated negative feelings, under which love is no longer felt,” commented the psychologist.
There are a number of signals that will tell you about the problems that have arisen in the relationship. Paying attention to them in time, you have a chance to fix everything. So:
– The man does not treat you with the trepidation that was before. Almost no hugs and kisses. When you reach out to him, he turns away;
– Doesn’t give importance to meals together. It would seem that this is such a small thing. But eating together really brings people together. And ignoring such an important element of a strong relationship indicates his subconscious unwillingness to be near you;
– Refuses to discuss his problems at work, the problems that have arisen in a relationship with friends. He does not let you into his personal space;
– picks on you with or without cause, thinks that you do everything on three stars. Your efforts and successes go unnoticed;
– He never calls you first and does not call you back after seeing a missed call. Perhaps, of course, he has a very busy job without a single free minute, but someone who truly loves you, be sure to find time to call back and ask if everything is okay;
– Does not show initiative in intimacy, and your attempts to have sex responds as if doomed;
– Increasingly uses pronouns “I, my” instead of “we, our. It seems that he lives separately from you. This behavior looks like nothing less than a disregard for your relationship;
– He has little interest in how your day at work, how you are feeling (even if yesterday you were sneezing and coughing). And this is in contrast to how caring he was a couple of months ago.
In each case, there may be different reasons why your husband has fallen out of love. Explaining the common reasons why men separate from the women they love, psychologist said that it is primarily due to lack of emotional closeness: “Most often misunderstanding in the family arises from the inability of people to talk sincerely about the problems, to voice their concerns, to receive feedback, etc. In this case a man and a woman cannot correct what they do not like in the relationship. Problems build up like a snowball, although everything could have been solved long before the idea of past love”.
How to respond to the cooling off
If you realized that he really grew cold, it is worth to figure out – what to do, how to return his feelings and return whether to return at all.
Many people think it is obvious to a man to talk frankly and find out what went wrong. However, the conversation is a conversation, says Tatyana Gavrilyak: “The result depends on how to conduct this conversation. If we speak from the position of complaints and discontent – of course, the man will not go for contact, but if you try to be honest and calmly voice their feelings about what is happening, it may lead to a solution.
Most often men are quite difficult to talk about their feelings, they do not like to find out about the relationship, and therefore are willing to keep quiet until the last moment, until the situation is stalemated. And if the man does not know how to take responsibility for what is happening to him and his family, then you should not wait for the first step from him. Before it’s too late, start a conversation yourself, find out what he does not like, what he would like, how he sees the future of your couple. His intonation, willingness to discuss the problem and even if he looks you in the eye in response, you can tell if there is a chance to save the relationship.
If you see your man willingness to enter into a dialogue, to jointly resolve the problem and do everything not to destroy the family, it means that not all is lost. You can try to get out of a difficult situation yourself, listening to your loved one, taking into account what he is not satisfied, as well as sharing their experiences. In the case where independent action does not change anything, Tatiana Gavrilyak advises to contact a specialist.
However, when the conversation is like a one-way game, and you feel that only straining the vocal cords in vain, then most likely your man is not ready to help you save the relationship. Continuing them further will also feel like a meaningless conversation. Perhaps you should let him go.
You don’t want to let go, even though you know he cheated on you? You have to find the strength to forgive. “But you have to forgive for real, so that you do not remember the betrayal. And this is a hard and long work – such forgiveness. – adds Tatiana Gavrilyak.
What to do if he said he did not love you?
It is easy to be confused and do not know what to do if the husband fell out of love, when it is only a guess. But in a situation where the man himself says he no longer loves you, things are much more complicated. As we said, representatives of the stronger sex show weakness in matters of ending already outlived relationships. Part of the reason is that the sense of duty means a lot to men, and most of them would prefer to stay with you, even having an affair on the side. But if you heard: “Let’s break up, I don’t love you anymore”. It is worth it to let him go.
It is important to realize that you will never be happy if your hands will be busy not creating their own happiness, and trying to keep leaving man. Clinging tightly to his back, you will feel unwanted. So it is worth to find the strength to free your thoughts from the man for whom you have ceased to mean something.
For what reasons do women not let go of those who do not like them, and continue to live with them under the same roof? More often than not, it’s about shared children, fear of loneliness, and being overly fused with your partner. “There is nothing good in such a relationship either. If one can’t imagine himself without the other, is dependent on him, it’s an unhealthy bond. And it is one thing to destroy a bond based on love, and quite another thing to destroy a bond based on dependence. But to keep a family for the sake of children is an absurdity. This is a way for women to justify their fear of being alone. For the children there can be no benefit from keeping the appearance of family. Children are much more valuable happy parents, regardless of whether they are together or not, “- said Tatiana Gavrilyak.
How to survive stress
The most common cause of stress caused by the fact that the man fell in love, becomes wounded woman’s self-love. His words “I do not love you anymore” is followed, as a rule, a session of self-injury, and then a stream of accusations against him. However, blame the man for all the sins should not be, says psychologist: “Relationships are always built by two, so the responsibility is mutual. In addition, relationships – it is a risk, and when we enter into them, there is no guarantee that they will last forever.
Sometimes the answer to the question of why the husband has fallen out of love with his wife is tried not only by the partners, but also by those around him – family and friends. It is strange to see when strong unions collapse, in which life together was quite happy. Instead of constantly thinking about why this happened, you vitally need to distract yourself with something else right now. Engage in restoring emotional balance: immerse yourself in conversations with friends, work, hobbies. Listen to yourself, do what you want to do, but refrain from new romances for at least a year. “It will be a compensatory relationship, in which you will only reproduce the scenario of the previous ones,” explains Tatiana Gavrilyak.