What to do if a child is rude?

A child is rude: how to stop bad behavior?

In anger at the numerous remarks and shouts of the parent, the baby bursts out: “You’re bad! I wish you were dead!”. Mom is at a loss and angry – how to understand whether to punish the child in this situation?

It is believed that adults punish children to make them better. And children think they are being punished because they don’t like them or because they are bad and deserve to be punished.

But what do you do when a child crosses the line? For example, yelling “put it away yourself!” when asked to pick up toys or swinging at grandma. How can you stand it!

Of course, the transition from the child can not be left without attention. But this does not mean that the time to reach for the belt.

So how to behave mom? Let’s look into it.

WHY WE PUNISH CHILDREN

Before we find out if there is a need for punishment, let’s go deeper into the reasons that push us parents to sanction:

Reason 1. Emotional drain.

It often happens that in a fit of anger we are frightened by a child’s impertinent words, or in a fit of anger we want, as if to take revenge on him. Especially strong is this reaction when we are tired, irritated or “to the boiling point.

Thus, the reason that pushes us to sanctions, are not the actions of the child, but our own intemperance! Will he be able to learn anything after such a “drain of emotion”? Hardly. He will just remember not to let a parent get under the hot hand.

Reason 2. The feeling of powerlessness

When your child does not hear you, it is easy to feel literally paralyzed. We feel as if the steering wheel has slipped from our hands and control over the situation is lost. In this case, there is an impulsive desire to grab hold of the last lever – and punish for disobedience, to feel your power again.

Reason 3. Inhibiting anger⠀

A child’s anger is exhausting. But patience is especially hard for those who have a ban on anger – aversion and/or fear of anger. The mother takes the child’s anger at her own expense. It seems to her that the child is angry because of her, and consequently, shame and guilt are activated. Such reaction causes a reciprocal desire to “suppress rebellion”: to forbid anger as we forbid it to ourselves.

This happens if you were ashamed or blamed as a child, if you were forced to smile even when you did not want to smile, if you were forced to be grateful. But here it is important to remember that anger is a child’s process! Its experience of encountering limitations. Or do you have the illusion that a child should be happy and always ready for limitations? I believe not.

WHEN PUNISHMENTS ARE WARRANTED.

The first thing a parent needs to decide when he or she is ready to administer a punishment is: what purpose do you do it for? That’s why I recommend thinking for at least twenty-four hours before administering punishment.

Discuss the rules with your child and warn him or her what awaits for their violation! Then the baby will not have a “sediment” in the form of a feeling of injustice, he/she will not be afraid of parental anger and will not feel rejected.

You can learn about other rules and safety precautions in the use of punishments in my article “How to punish a child so as not to traumatize.

But first let’s look at what kind of behavior punishment is justified, and when it is better to apply other educational methods.

What a child should NOT be punished for

For random mischief – for example, quickly, quickly ran and pushed someone, broke an object, damaged furniture or broke a toy. I hope all moms already know that a child should not be “screwed” over for such things. Moreover, the baby himself/herself can be sad, upset or frightened by his/her actions – in this case, help the child to calm down, show sympathy and help correct the mistake, if possible.

For intemperance inherent to their age – young children are very impulsive, only after 4 years they start to form self-control and the ability to keep their impulses inside. Do not scold or punish a child if you understand that in this situation he simply cannot stop himself: he is being torn away from an interesting activity, he is overexcited, he really likes the effect produced (for example, from showing his tongue or throwing objects at a cat). Help the child stop! You may consider that while the child has no self-control, you perform this function. Read more about how to do this later in the article.

For what the child does not yet know how to do due to age – one subscriber once shared with me a complaint: her 6-year-old child can not clean the floor without splashing water. Well, what can I say? Exaggerated parental expectations are one of the most popular causes of misbehavior in children. And how else can you behave if you are required to do the impossible, and even punished for it? So before you scold a child, think about whether he can, in principle, carry out my request. Or is he too little?

To check whether you make mistakes that lead to dire consequences for the child, be sure to pass my test “Top 5 mistakes in the punishment of children.

In what situations you can use punishment

I can’t forbid you from using punishment as an educational method, but please, before using it, make sure that:

Your punishment is NOT a drain of emotion and an expression of your frustration, but an extreme measure of setting boundaries, which you resort to consciously and with cold reason;

Your child knows the rule he or she broke . And if it goes without saying, it means that he was warned in advance and can repeat what is required of him;

The child is able to comply with your request without additional help. For example, when in “Obedient Child” we and the participants put the degree of realism of certain requirements for children, it turns out that on average it is only 4-5 out of 10 points. That is, without help, impulsive child, well, can not stop his impulse to bite, scatter things, shout. Yes, not all children are able to calm down by themselves, because of the predominance of excitement over inhibition! Punish in this situation – it’s like punishing for splashing tears at the dentist without anesthesia.

When is punishment justified? Ideally NEVER. After all, it is impossible to grow up without mistakes.

However, there are a number of situations where the imposition of sanctions is justified. Namely: in cases of chronic neglect of the rules of behavior, disrespect to the parents, rudeness, rudeness, deliberate aggression.

But even in these situations, punishment is necessary as a way to clearly and categorically draw a line, over which it is impossible to cross, or the child will face consequences of the behavior.

If these conditions are observed, the punishment becomes more fair, consistent and meaningful.

HOW TO USE PUNISHMENT

The parent’s line of conduct in administering punishment must depend on 3 factors:

1) Motives for the child’s behavior;

2) The child’s ability to control himself or herself;

3) The obligation to comply with this or that rule.

Depending on these three factors, the severity of the limits a parent sets can be roughly divided into 4 levels.

If you are new to the concept of boundaries or do not know how to set them in relationships with children – a special algorithm is in my article “Boundaries and rules for the child: how to set them” .

The green level is the most flexible boundaries. They are set by verbal agreement. You agree on something with your child, because you understand that he is already able to keep his word. For example, the child has said something hurtful, but you know that he is old enough to control himself. Then it is enough to talk the situation through, and he will correct himself.

The yellow level is the “braided fence.” The boundary is pretty soft. The child is still learning how to behave, so there are occasional tantrums, rudeness and harm, but without malice. If they happen, our task is to help the child learn to control himself or herself. To do this, we use methods of motivation, cautionary stories, and tips on how to behave in a given situation.

The orange level is a “rubber wall. Its essence is that if you stubbornly try to break through it, you can get in the nose… These are the rules that should not be broken. We set up sanctions and we enforce them when we break the boundaries.

When you’ve talked about why you shouldn’t use swear words, you’ve motivated your child with politeness chips, you’ve read cautionary tales, and it’s still time to sanction them.

The red level is the “brick wall. At this level it is useless even to punish, because the child cannot hold back anyway! The only way out is to exclude the possibility of such behavior in principle. It is useless to punish a one-year-old for running out on the road, you just need to prevent it from happening.

If you want to explore the 4 level system in more detail, learn about

– how to set boundaries in a nice way;

– how to properly impose sanctions, if necessary;

– What they are and what to choose in each case;

I recommend to study the master class “Punishments: for, against and alternatives”.

You can learn more at the link:

WHAT TO DO IF A CHILD IS RUDE

Let’s break down the example and find out how a mom should act when a child is rude.

You are doing something with a child together – cooking or walking. And then suddenly he tells you something nasty. For example: “Shut your mouth!”. Or, “Quick, buy me something. Or, “Leave me alone!” That’s the first act.

What happens next? Mom realizes that something unacceptable has happened. Or just plain unpleasant. Rude/disrespectful. In short, the boundary is broken. So what to do?

She gets angry. And in anger, what? She rushes to punish.

Let’s say mom yells: “Get in the corner now!” Or, “You will be deprived of cartoons/pocket money/don’t get presents, sweets/don’t go to Sasha’s!”

The child may experience a rush of reciprocal anger in response and charge you indignantly, “You’re bad, I hate you! I won’t stand in the corner!”.

Your actions designed to establish boundaries have escalated even more conflict and undermined the already shaky balance of your relationship with your child.

Why does this happen?

Punishment, done incorrectly, instead of teaching leads to the opposite effect. After all, the reasons for the child’s behavior can be different! For example:

1. A child can be rude, not because he is driven by a desire to offend, but by impulsiveness (intemperance). He is simply overwhelmed by fatigue/sadness and explodes like a burst bubble. Then your goal is to teach him how to manage his emotions.

2. The rancor may be the result of age crises (e.g., “poo-poo”), when using a new word amuses the child so much that he can’t stop. The task of the parent is to help overcome this crisis, to teach self-control.

3. Rudeness is a manifestation of disrespect of the child, the consumer attitude to you or childish despotism. And here it is necessary to work systematically. Punishments alone will not solve the problem. It is necessary to laboriously work on borders and restoration of parental authority.

Thus, punishments precede the analysis of the behavior of the child and attempt to stop it without punishments. But if that does not help, then we move on to the next step – imposing sanctions.

How to introduce sanctions if the child continues to be rude

I propose a specific algorithm:

Understand why this happened. That is, we have to understand the very motives of the child, what makes him do so.

Talk to the child, explain that it is not allowed to say (do) such things. Think about how to teach your child to express his or her feelings correctly.

Agree that if this happens again, punishment will follow, choosing a suitable method beforehand.

When the child will succeed, then praise him or her and encourage him or her.

Acting according to this algorithm, we use the situation of rule violations for the purpose of teaching! But we do not use punishment until we explain to the child how he or she should do it and how he or she should not do it. It is worth making sure that the child has heard you, understands you and is able to do what you want.

How to stop bad behavior without punishment

Let’s look at some quick parental responses with specific examples. In each one, I want to demonstrate how you can stop a child, but not punish. Be warned: I’ve put together the most brain-dead situations

A child scatters porridge. To the ban, he only giggles. What to do?

Get ahead of the curve! Do not wait for obedience, you must immediately suppress (calmly) unwanted behavior. For example, stop the pen throwing food, and give the next task: “And where is the banana? Let’s get it.”

You ask to pick up the toys, the response is, “You pick it up yourself!”

Use your voice and shortening the distance. Approach and help finish what the child is doing. Don’t forget the confident tone. When your child finishes his activity with your help, prompt a SIMPLE task with which to begin collecting toys: “Give me that cup, like this! Now. “. Praise when he complies with your request.

You talk your child into doing his homework and he keeps whining, “I don’t want to.”

Help him get started! Agree in the evening at what time you will start, prepare books in advance and invite him to sit at the desk to play “tic-tac-toe”. You’ll see that resistance will diminish.

Emotional child says, “You’re bad,” calls you names, and argues.

The child is overwhelmed with emotions; he or she cannot cope with them because of age, fatigue, or the immaturity of his or her self-control. In this case it is necessary to help the child to calm down, to explain what words should not be said in a fit of anger, and to stop him if he crosses the line. Repeat the rule and discuss the future punishment for its violation.

It is important for you to set your child a task – to tell him exactly what you expect him to do – what exactly he should do at this moment. Instead of angry repulsion, explain to your child what he is doing wrong and what the plan for further events is.

Thus, getting around punishments is possible! To do this, you need to:

Determine what the level of your demands are and whether they are in line with the child’s capabilities;

encourage your child when he or she shows desirable behavior;

to teach him/her how to behave by correcting him/her over and over again;

Reject unwanted behavior with verbal reprimands and bodily cues;

To motivate him or her to behave in a desirable way if the child is having difficulty controlling himself or herself.

And only if these methods are not enough and you are convinced that the child is quite capable of controlling his or her behavior, it is appropriate to consider the idea of introducing sanctions.

In my master class “Punishments: pros, cons and alternatives,” I give a methodology on how to encourage a child not to break boundaries, and in 95% of cases, you can do without punishments!

Well, if positive boundaries are not enough, you have to use the “heavy artillery. In the master class you will find a methodology of fair and instructive methods. To learn more, click on the link:

Rude and aggressive behavior in a teenager: what parents should do

How do parents notice that their child has grown up, that he is now a teenager? Some – by the size of clothing and shoes, which now have to buy more often than before. Some by their inability to check their homework or walk them to school. But very often the onset of adolescence reveals itself out of nowhere aggressive behavior and rudeness. It throws you out of whack, spoiling relationships. What to do?

Why is a teenager rude?

Rudeness – perhaps the most common “symptom” of adolescence, which parents call it. Why does it happen that a child with whom yesterday it was possible to find common ground, today everything reacts with aggression, snap back and boorish?

Traditionally, first of all, let’s look at the causes. There are several of them.

  • It seems to the child that this is the easiest way to assert oneself, according to the principle “who will shout at who”. If he does this and addresses the parent in a much rougher way, then he seems to be the winner. In addition, it is a rehearsal of communication with peers, and parents act as “guinea pigs.
  • It can be a way to get the attention of parents, when it is not enough. Let’s be honest with ourselves: since the child himself eats, dresses and goes to school, we pay less and less attention to him. And if you yell at us? Attention is immediately guaranteed!
  • And maybe this is how a growing up imitates your behavior. And both in communication with him, and between two adults. He’s also an adult, and if parents talk to each other like this, then maybe it’s some kind of norm for teenagers?
  • Another reason is the hormonal surge. Think back to yourself in these moments. How do you talk? Communicate? Kids are in such endless mood swings all the time!
  • Problems can be in the once selected style of education, there are two extremes. More boorish in families with an authoritarian style of upbringing and with a laissez-faire style. In fact, even at this age it’s not too late for parents to change their behavior.
  • Traditional for any crisis to find the boundaries of the permitted and finding the limits of their abilities. This is a good one! Because such children, as a rule, “pretend” that they are rude and boorish, but do not want to be so in reality.

How to respond to a teenager’s rudeness

How do we act? Of course, starting from the cause. The main thing is to diagnose the reasons honestly and frankly, with yourself! Options for your actions and reactions can be as follows.

  1. Do not engage in a “who’s louder” competition, if the child raises his or her voice at you. You can answer him in a whisper, or ignore such a manner of communication. By doing so, you will not give him or her the feedback he or she wants.
  2. Ideally, rudeness should be cut off at the root. At the first outbursts, talk to your child and explain why his behavior is unacceptable and why it upsets you personally. And even better – take a video and show him yourself from the sidelines. Not many people will like such a picture.
  3. It’s not too late to adjust your line of education. The ideal style – the democratic. When each side has rights and responsibilities. When you teach the child to agree on the shore, to be able to set their own conditions, and at the same time to fulfill yours. With such mutual respect, it’s much easier to accept and understand the feelings of the other person.
  4. Set only realistic goals that are achievable. It’s often our fault! “Fix Russian by Friday,” and how can you do that if there are twenty fives! Remember that your child is not a magician! And, as you know, making mistakes is much easier than correcting them.
  5. Introduce a special word, gesture, or identify an object that inhibits each of you. Initially agree: if you hear the word “orange” – it means to leave the room and take a breath for at least 5 minutes, after which we can continue the conversation. Remember, a similar rule should apply to your rudeness to the child. Or do you prefer to say “educational tone” about yourself? Think about it, aren’t you living in a world of double standards? This is a very important point for building a harmonious relationship with the children.

Well, and a couple of general recommendations – they will help in any case:

  • Spend more time with your child. I know how difficult it is, there is no time at all, but a teenager now it is necessary!
  • Watch your speech, its fullness, and the presence of aggressive or potentially aggressive forms and phrases in it.

Aggressive behavior in teenagers: what to do?

There is a lot of fact and even more fiction on the subject of heightened emotionality in adolescents. From the perspective of common sense adults all clear – it’s all the fault of the hormonal imbalance and restructuring. Then why are adults moms and dads can not always cope with adolescents?

And try to put yourself in their place! Your body, which you knew all about yesterday, which you were quite happy with, begins to change dramatically. Your arms are long, your clothes do not fit properly, pimples appear on your face, your voice betrays you. You are surrounded by hysterics and psychos (because all their surroundings are going through the same changes as they are, that is, teenagers are constantly in a fairly explosive environment). And, of course, the parents don’t understand.

To make a long story short: yesterday the whole world loved you, and today they hate you. Would you like that? I doubt it!

Psychologists have conducted studies that found that emotional reactions that for adults would be a symptom of illness, for teenagers – the norm. Do you have any idea how hard it is for them? So what can we do to help our beloved children?

  1. It would be great if you could show your child that it’s okay to experience different emotions. Use yourself or a family member as an example. Let him know that there are good days and bad days, and that moods can be different. “But we love each other anyway. You, most importantly, do not keep quiet, come – and we’ll talk.
  2. Anger control techniques will help . Beat a pillow, knock on a punching bag, take a shower, take an anti-stress ball. Another great method is “written with a pitchfork in water. It’s simple: run your finger over the water, describing all your sadness and resentments. And then to flush the water out, it will gush out and take all your feelings away with it.
  3. At this age, there is a need for adrenaline. Help your child to find this activity: go flying together in an aerotube or go karting, snowboarding or skydiving – your child will be grateful to you.
  4. Tell him or her how you deal with stress. Alcohol and cigarettes don’t count! Maybe your experience will be useful to your child.

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I have been reading articles like this for 2 years now, ever since my daughter started freaking out. In the truest sense of the word. Previously I did what psychologists advised, went to psychologists. It was all nonsense! Complete nonsense! My husband and I talked to her both good and bad. The result was the same – the child thinks he is a king, and parents should analyze his behavior, and he is always right in everything. So it’s time to flush this whole policy down the toilet. Our parents didn’t care about us at all. They didn’t have time – they were working until Communism won. We didn’t have time to fool around! We had to run to the stores, cook dinner for our parents, go to school, do homework, look after the little ones, and maybe even go to the kindergarten/school for them. Help the little ones do their homework, too. And have time to run around in the street and even hit back at some boy who bullies. At school/class we did not communicate with low achievers and those who took alcohol and tobacco early. We used to have such morons as outcasts. But now, with this policy, blaming parents for all the antics of teenagers is complete nonsense! So they should take away your diplomas as so-called psychologists from all of you. I can tell you for sure – you can’t do anything with your teenager unless he wants to turn to a normal life on his own. No matter what you do, if the kid wants to party, he’ll do it. And to hell with all the psychologists!

Thanks for the article! My son is 9, but he WILL sometimes get carried away. While we are able to resolve situations, very correctly written that it is important to “root out” this behavior. Those to whom this advice and even psychologists do not help, the situation is probably neglected from an earlier age. Of course I’m no expert and do not claim to be the absolute truth in the last instance, all situations are different, but first of all the child will zarkalivat parents and their environment, especially which was in the period up to 7-8 years

You write nonsense in your article. Most of the teenagers cannot be reasoned with, and yes, I completely agree with the author of the comment that before there was no such a fuss about teenagers, oh, do not touch them, do not scold, they are hormonal, the word of their elders has always been the law, but now there is a mess and it is all because of the Internet, social networking sites and psychologists who make money on it.

The child is not mine, I am just waiting for the age of 18 to send him to his free reindeer to hell, but sometimes the nerve comes over the edge. Now he’s 16+, I hope to wait for the big moment and get out, I’m sick of it.

But what if the child is not yours? If it’s rudeness on the street? If you know that the child is from a dysfunctional family and they encourage it there? How to behave in such a case?

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