What to do after breaking up with a guy?

How to get over a breakup: 5 tips

The end of a relationship always causes unpleasant feelings.

Disappointment, guilt, loneliness, fear of repeating the same scenario with a new person – you can’t avoid these feelings. But it is possible to reduce their intensity, to make the breakup less painful and, perhaps, a little faster to come to terms with it. We tell you how to do it.

I earned 100,000 rubles for Tinkoff Black.

What a breakup leads to

Couples break up quite often. For 924,000 marriages in 2021, there were 644,000 divorces in Russia. There are no statistics on the breakup of unregistered romantic relationships, but American researchers have tried to calculate how often unmarried adults break up. They found that 36.5 percent of participants in the 18- to 35-year-old group had experienced one or more breakups within 20 months.

Typically, the breakup of a romantic relationship is extremely emotional. Some researchers even compare it to grieving over the death of a loved one, and in both cases, we lose someone who was an important part of our lives. Even if the relationship was not unclouded, we may still feel guilt toward our partner and anxiety about our future without him or her.

“The Breakup of a Romantic Relationship, Heartbreak and Bereavement,” PsychologyPDF Magazine, 122 KB

The stress of a breakup, in turn, often leads to health problems. It is not uncommon for recently broken up people to experience sleep problems, emotional instability, temporary eating disorders, headaches, and gastrointestinal problems. In some cases, breakups can lead to depression.

Against the background of severe stress can also cause a fairly rare disease “broken heart syndrome,” which accounts for about 2% of hospitalizations with heart attacks. The main signs are the same as in a heart attack: severe chest pain, rapid heartbeat, and difficulty breathing. The only difference is that in a heart attack, the blood flow is blocked by a clot, but in broken heart syndrome, the heart muscle itself stops contracting normally. A person in such a condition definitely needs medical attention. If it is given in time, the patient’s condition usually improves within a few days. Heartbreak syndrome rarely ends in death.

It takes an average of three months to recover emotionally and physically after the breakup of a romantic relationship. This was established in 2007, scientists from the American University of Monmouth, interviewing 166 students who have experienced at least one breakup in the last six months. Getting over a divorce, according to another study, can take about a year and a half. Here are some tips to help you get over it faster.

Constant thoughts of a broken relationship don’t help you get over a breakup. In one experiment, researchers asked people going through a breakup to think about their former partner negatively, lovingly, or distractedly about something else. Negative thoughts reduced the degree of falling in love, but also made the participants feel worse. Romantic thoughts had no effect on the degree of falling in love and similarly worsened mood. At the same time, shifting attention to another object, unrelated to the relationship, improved the emotional state without changing the relationship to the former partner.

Among the things that can help distract you are reading, playing sports, watching your favorite movie or TV series, and cooking a delicious meal. It is good to sign up for a massage, buy something new, according to Kim Mertz, a psychologist from the University of Alberta. And also communicate with friends and participate in different activities, go to workshops, hiking, trying new things. Immersion in social activities improves quality of life and emotional well-being: According to studies, people who rarely meet with friends are more likely to be dissatisfied with life.

In this case, it is not necessary to make the trips to bars or immerse yourself in affairs. It’s better to give yourself a little break from work or school.

Psychologist Ashera Deroza advises to stop relations with ex-partner at least for a while after the breakup and spend some time apart from each other: “Trying to become friends right away can be painful – friendship between former partners is possible, but only after both survive the breakup and ready to move on. Build this friendship should be exclusively on the principles of equality, and it is worth agreeing to it only if there is no doubt that your psychological state of such a friendship is not hurt.

If you notice that a former partner begins to manipulate you, constantly asks you to do something for him or help with something, while not paying attention to your needs and interests – as soon as possible stop the relationship with him. The fact is that often ex-partners offer to remain friends for selfish reasons. So Professor of Psychology at the University of Kansas, Rebecca Griffith, with the help of a survey found that most often the friendship with exes people tend to maintain for the following reasons:

  1. For the sake of feeling safe. An example of an internal argument: “I don’t want to lose your support.”
  2. Out of politeness. “I want to make amends.”
  3. For practical reasons. “We work together, we’ll do without the drama.”
  4. Because of unfulfilled sexual desires. “I want to date others, but keep you around just in case.”

Griffith believes that the least damage to the partner to whom she is forced leads to friendship for safety. And the most unpleasant is friendship for the sake of unfulfilled desires. It negatively affects the emotional state. Often does not allow both partners to build a full relationship with others.

A special case is couples with children who have made the decision to separate. They may need to maintain a good relationship with each other, at least in order to reduce the stress of the children. But it is not necessary to remain friends in this case, according to psychologists. It is enough if both partners will be respectful and friendly to communicate with each other, to refrain from mutual accusations, not to arrange scandals in front of children, to solve problems occurring in the process of education constructively. If there are difficulties with this, it makes sense to go to a family psychologist for consultation.

Before starting a new stage of life, it is useful to analyze and review past experiences. You can think about how a recently ended romantic relationship has affected you, how it began and how it ended, what you were happy with, and what you would not want to return to in the future. This way you can better understand yourself, understand how you would like to interact with your next romantic partner, and what you expect from him or her.

Renew Breakup Bootcamp founder Amy Chan, to help clients through a breakup, asks them to write the breakup story as they would tell it to a friend. Then they evaluate the story together and highlight cognitive distortions. For example, black and white thinking–the tendency to see everything that happens in life in an extremely negative or extremely positive light, without distinguishing between halftones. Or overgeneralization-the habit of drawing global conclusions from isolated, random facts.

You can search for cognitive distortions on your own:

To do so, take a piece of paper and describe your relationship in as much detail as possible, with all its ups and downs. Take your time and move at a pace that is comfortable for you: it’s okay if this work takes you a few days or weeks.

When you’re ready, reread what you’ve written, dwelling on difficult moments and conflict situations. Try to find reasons for your behavior in them, asking yourself questions: Why did I act this way or that way? What made me think so and why I am sure I am right. And then analyze whether it was possible to act differently and what it took.

An important rule: in the process, try to remain objective and not to fall into self-deprecation. You can admit that in the relationship you were trying to control the other or because of their own internal problems misunderstood him. But do not just call yourself a loser, a monster or incapable of fixing an egoist.

After that, try to rewrite the history of the relationship anew, taking into account what you understood in the process of analyzing your behavior. Amy Chan believes this will help you figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future.

“Like a beautiful funeral that can quench sorrow, a carefully considered goodbye to your partner helps you get through the breakup more easily and move on,” writes psychotherapist Ilse Sand in her book “Missing You,” which focuses on breakups.

Sande advises to say goodbye and forgive like this:

  1. Find a reason to be grateful and say “thank you” to your partner. He, too, can thank you in return for something good.
  2. When there is no energy to meet, you can write a goodbye letter or come up with your own ritual that will allow you to draw a line under the relationship.
  3. Try to forgive your partner even if you still feel anger. “Without forgiveness, memories of your partner may make you feel uncomfortable, even if you don’t see each other at all,” writes Sand.
  4. Don’t try to squeeze an apology if the person isn’t willing to give it to you. Some people do not know how to admit guilt and ask for forgiveness – it’s worth accepting this fact.
  5. If you are asking for forgiveness yourself, find out if there is anything you can do to make it up to you, and if you can help your partner remember something good from your relationship.
  6. To find the strength to forgive, you can also present your partner as a child and show sympathy for him. But Sand warns that this method is appropriate only in a relatively normal relationship. If the partner has been abusive and behaved inadequately, it is important to protect yourself and stop all communication.

New relationships created only in order to forget the old ones, psychologists call a rebound relationship – a restorative relationship. They often do not last too long and serve only as a way to avoid unpleasant experiences.

According to American psychologists, such relationships are often entered by men and people who have experienced infidelity, regardless of gender: with the help of new romantic partners they are trying to improve their self-esteem. This usually leads to nothing good, and, as a rule, restorative relationships quickly end.

The best tactic would be to have a “date night with yourself” from time to time: spend an evening in a beautiful place, go to a concert, cook a delicious dinner. This will bring the ground beneath your feet and make you feel that a romantic relationship is not necessary for happiness. “The paradox of being single and independent, independent living is that you start to meet people who are just as self-sufficient. You get more resources, you get to meet people, go somewhere and have a lot of fun,” writes psychologist Susan Elliott in her book The Breakup. Only having established a relationship with myself, you can move on to dating new people.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one: 7 steps

Helpful tips

We often hear people say how beautiful life is, but at the moment of parting with the beloved you do not think so.

The world is painted in dark colors, the earth is gone from under your feet, and breathing, as if it becomes more difficult. You don’t understand why you are living and what you are living for.

Breaking up with someone you have loved with all your heart for a long period of time can be one of the most difficult events.

When you break up with your partner or your partner is the initiator of the breakup, you will have to work hard to overcome the heartache. Even if you try hard, it doesn’t mean that the heartache will be able to subside in one or two weeks. Some people spend months or even years on it.

© Pixabay/ Pexels

You want to go back to the old days, but alas, it’s impossible.

You have to understand that even after a breakup, life goes on. You have to overcome this obstacle correctly.

We will tell you what to do in order to accept the fact of the breakup, go through the grieving process and forget about the heartache forever.

How do you get over a breakup?

How to glue the shards of a broken heart: understanding, acceptance and awareness of the breakup

Analyzing your past relationships

The first step to ending a relationship and accepting a breakup is understanding the situation itself.

We have different experiences from each person, meaning that a relationship with one partner can be drastically different from a relationship with another.

Based on one study, psychologists came to this conclusion: “There are three basic types of relationships” .

If you understand what type of relationship you are in, then it will be easier for you to overcome the breakup with your partner.

But how do you distinguish another quarrel from the final breakup?

Here comes the period when you decide to break up. There may be many reasons, but we’ll look at one of the possible ones.

Shortcomings that we did not notice at the beginning of the relationship, over time can begin to make us nervous.

For example, your partner may have a habit of picking his or her ears at lunch or dinner.

If you’ve just started dating, such habits may even amuse you, or you may think it’s your lover’s thing, meaning it doesn’t bother you in any way.

As your relationship develops, disagreements may arise. For this reason, you will begin to notice some strange actions of your partner, and they will begin to irritate you a lot.

Maybe you were fine with this behavior of your lover, you let him do it and thought it was even nice, but now it is more annoying than hilarious.

You will begin to react more vividly to the various shortcomings of your partner.

This is the period of the relationship you make one of the most important decisions: to change for the sake of the relationship to bring joy, or leave everything as it is.

Partners who are unwilling to change end up splitting up with great scandal.

Why does your mind suffer from breakups?

Breaking up is a very sensitive process. People don’t decide to break up in a second, but spend a long time weighing the pros and cons to see if their relationship can still be saved.

At this point, our minds behave in a very strange way. We are unable to concentrate, obsessed with the desire to see the former lover again, we feel hopelessness and despair, we think that we will remain lonely until the end of our days.

But why is it not only our heart that suffers, but even our brain?

To get to the bottom of this difficult matter, researchers at Columbia University studied the brain activity of people who had recently experienced a breakup.

The researchers found that the part of the brain responsible for physical pain reacted when subjects were shown pictures of their former partners.

In another experiment, scientists found that the brain’s reaction after a breakup was similar to the brain’s reaction after a person stops taking drugs.

A person’s desire to see their former partner is similar to an addicted person’s desire to take another dose.

While we were in a relationship, our brain received a sea of positive emotions, which it perceived as a reward, but after the breakup, our mind does not feel the pleasant emotions for a certain period of time.

How do your attitudes change after a breakup?

Why do you and your partner handle the breakup differently?

© Ylanite Koppens/ Pexels

No matter how hard a breakup is for you, it doesn’t mean that your former lover will be just as acutely affected by the breakup. It may seem unusual to many people that their former partner is dealing with the breakup in a completely different way.

Although it may be frustrating for you to see that your former lover is not experiencing heartache and is feeling fine. In this case, it is important to remember that such a reaction is considered completely normal. After all, a person may not show his feelings or move very quickly after any unpleasant situations.

Psychologist Melanie Schilling says, “After a breakup, women need to communicate, and men need something new to do.”

That’s why after a breakup men try different things, start doing something unusual, like skydiving, going abroad, swimming, or getting a driver’s license. They find exactly those kinds of activities that take a lot of time, so they think less about the breakup.

Meanwhile, women need the emotional support of their social circle. When she speaks out, it is as if a stone falls from her soul. After all, during the conversation the girl speaks almost continuously, so she physically cannot start thinking about her ex-boyfriend.

Some men believe that they should not give in to negative emotions, but instead immediately cheer up.

Women have more freedom in this regard, they release all their emotions and never hide how they feel. This is what helps them recover from a breakup.

You have to understand that how your life turns out, depends not only on the type of past relationships, but also on how you broke up with your partner.

Why do people break up?

There are many ways to break up a relationship, and how you do it will help you deal with the heartache.

1. cheating and cruelty

© Monkey Business Images

Imagine this situation : your partner has hurt you. He constantly deceived you, never spoke frankly or even bullied you.

It was hard to realize what was going on with your relationship, but once you realize it, you’ll definitely want to break the bond between you.

How do you feel? You think that everything is your fault, that you deserve to be treated cruelly, that your partner has the right to lie and cheat on you. Perhaps it was your significant other who brainwashed you and convinced you that he/she was/is behaving pig-headedly because of you.

How do you deal with the problem? Stop blaming yourself, as this can lead to depression and, in the future, soft-heartedness.

Your partner did this to you because he/she wanted to and is comfortable manipulating you in order to live a life of pleasure.

2. Sudden Breakup.

© Phadungsakphoto/Getty Images

Imagine this situation: everything seems fine to you. Recently you and your partner had a great time, you’re already planning a vacation, all your friends think you’re a great couple and, you’re thinking about the future together.

Suddenly you get a message that reads: “It’s over between us. I can’t take it anymore.”

How do you feel? You are lost and disoriented. This situation really confuses people and, you don’t even know where to start in order to get back to your everyday life.

How do you deal with the problem? First, be thankful that your partner decided to do such an act, and did not mock your feelings. Secondly, don’t start thinking about what you did wrong and also don’t look for ways to resolve the situation, just let your ex-partner go. It’s already over and, you need to move on.

3. Fading love in a couple

© dorioconnell/Getty Images

Imagine this situation : for a long time there was a fire of love burning in your heart, and you thought it would always stay that way. Unfortunately, the spark between you has slowly begun to fade. The conversations became boring. Eventually, you stop talking and even seeing each other.

How do you feel? You want your old feelings back. You are frustrated because you used to have a good time together, so why can’t you get that feeling back. You are angry at your lover because you think he didn’t try hard enough to maintain your relationship.

How do you deal with the problem? There is no need to blame anyone. Many relationships do not work out the way you would like them to. In such a situation, talk to your partner and ask him/her how he/she feels and ask him/her what to do next.

4. Ultimatum

© AndreyPopov/Getty Images Pro

Imagine the following situation: you have a great relationship, but there is one problem – you do not understand each other, not on the same page. You are constantly talking about this or that subject, but can not come to a common solution. This may be connected with marriage, having children, or moving to another city, country. Suddenly, one of the partners puts forward an ultimatum to the other: “Make me a proposal in six months, or I myself will arrange everything.

How do you feel? You’re either angry or you think you’re backed into a corner, so you panic. If you stand your ground, you will lose your partner. If you agree with your lover, you will betray your own values. You have a hard decision to make.

How do you handle the problem? If you don’t want to agree with your partner and you lose your partner for that reason, you will need to accept that and not look back in the past. Understand that people can’t be perfect for each other, they will definitely think differently in some aspects.

5. Your first love.

© kieferpix/ Getty Images

Imagine this situation : you fall in love for the first time and, you’ve never had your heart broken before. Suddenly, the relationship ends and, you have to accept the breakup.

How do you feel? You are lost because you think that this was the only person you could love and you won’t meet anyone like that again, and since you won’t, you’ll be a lonely person forever. You hate yourself for what allowed the separation and every way to try to get his partner, but all in vain.

How to cope with the problem? It is difficult to cope with such pain, but time heals everything. The first parting is the most unpleasant and memorable. You need to sink in, splash out all the negative emotions, but then find the strength to move on. After all, life is just beginning and you may find yourself in this situation again, so you need to be prepared.

The 7 stages of grief and acceptance are

1- Answering Questions.

You want to understand the reason for your breakup . You think of your ex-partner’s words that were addressed to you, so you begin to think that it is all your fault because you did not listen to your lover. This is an agonizing period because you are still hoping to repair your relationship.

2. You can’t accept this set of circumstances.

It’s not true, and it’s not happening to you. You just can’t live without your ex-partner. You are forcing yourself away from reality.

You are trying to get your ex-partner back and promising him to change. Anything that he wasn’t happy with, you are willing to fix. At this point, you are being silly and not working with your head at all.

Because your pain will be unbearable, you will ask your ex-partner to go back to the way things were. You will have a hard time letting go of this person.

Depending on your character and experience, the anger may be directed at you, your former partner, or the situation itself. Anger helps you get back to reality . Through this feeling, you will realize that you are worthy of more, and you don’t have to think about what is in the past.

6. Initial acceptance .

This is the type of acceptance at the early stage of grief that tells us that you have given up and are no longer trying to win back your former lover. You have finally realized that life goes on.

7. You have redirected yourself toward other goals

You have almost recovered from the breakup. Memories of your ex-partner no longer stir your heart. You realize that you will meet another person with whom you will have a better relationship.

After the breakup love yourself.

©Tirachard Kumtanom/ Pexels

After you’ve successfully survived your breakup moment, it’s time to think about yourself.

The person you see in the mirror has become stronger.

It’s time to love yourself and forget about the sadness. After all, what was, is gone. Do not torment your heart anymore. There is sure to be someone who will love you.

Life is full of obstacles and this is one of them. If you get through it, it will be easier for you to live.

You will finally find happiness.

Love is what every person wants to find. But being in a relationship is hard work, and developing a long-term relationship is even harder.

You need to be able to recover from a breakup and go on to find your one and only, as all is not yet lost.

Leave a Comment