Manipulation by silence and ignoring – how to behave a girl? A detailed analysis
The most unpleasant thing in a relationship is when one partner manipulates the other. Such a situation is unhealthy and requires urgent action. In this article you will learn why manipulation by silence and ignoring is the most toxic to the psyche, and I will also tell you how to behave in a situation when they start playing silence with you.
After reading this article you will learn how to respond to manipulation correctly, and you will understand and see your partner’s goals through it.
Manipulation by silence and ignoring – how to behave and react properly
Manipulation by silence and ignoring is a form of passive aggression.
Many people mistakenly believe that total silence is better than yelling and scandals with flying plates into the wall. In fact the opposite is true. The fact is that the silence is the most severe and destructive to the psyche type of manipulation.
Before you know how to behave in such a situation, you should first understand the reasons for this behavior in men.
The reasons may be the following:
- The man himself became the object of manipulation by silence as a child;
- He began to use this manipulation himself and it worked!
- The man may be acting this way because he has been unheard for a long time;
To stop using manipulation with you, you need to make it stop working.
How to respond to ignoring and silence
Important: Don’t fall for manipulation. Make the mistake of doubling up on the person, responding to their ignoring or asking for forgiveness.
It is your reaction to ignoring is the main purpose of the manipulator. He wants to provoke feelings of guilt, anger, loss of control, etc. in you. And if the person manages to pull this off once, the manipulation will happen regularly.
When the person has stopped talking to you and started ignoring you, tell him the following phrase: “I understand your feelings, you need to be alone. Let me know when you’re ready to discuss the problem – you tell me about it and we’ll talk.”
And then you just leave the person alone and don’t touch him.
If the manipulation continues, it is very important to know the following rule: do to people as they do to you. If they are being cold towards you, then you need to do the same. And with twice the force. Manipulator must understand that no one will run around him, and his silence will not achieve anything. The highest level – is when you do not react to such provocations on an internal level.
What is manipulation really about
Manipulation is a tool to control and impose one’s interests to the detriment of another person.
For example, by keeping silent, the person may want to make you feel guilty. So that you realize your “wrong” behavior and start apologizing.
But even if your behavior was wrong, in such a situation (when you are ignored) your apology and making amends will play a cruel joke. You’ll simply encourage your partner’s negative behavior, and then he or she will go through the manipulation all over again. After all, if manipulation works, why refuse to use it?
You can only apologize when your partner is open to dialogue, in other situations not!
Read on the same topic: Signs of a toxic relationship with a man – in simple words (Opens in a new tab)
50% of success in solving a problem is being aware of it. So as soon as your partner starts ignoring and not talking to you, the first thing to do is to realize that you are now being manipulated. Understanding the situation already changes your behavior.
How a boycott affects a person
I wrote at the very beginning of this article that playing silent is the hardest kind of manipulation. But why? Because from the outside it seems like the most innocuous way to influence a person. No fists are used and there is no physical violence. Then what is the problem?
Man is a social creature, who by his very nature needs contact with other people. As soon as this opportunity is deprived, the psyche begins to experience stress.
One of the worst punishments invented by man is social deprivation. When a person is deprived of contact with other people.
Solitary confinement is the harshest test for a prisoner.
So when someone close to you stops talking to you, it is painful on a physiological level.
Deprivation is especially painful in relationships. Because it is a relationship that satisfies a person’s need to be needed and loved. And in the moment of total ignoring, you are made to understand that you do not exist, and you are not needed. This is what has the most devastating effect.
I have shared with you a phrase and a pattern of behavior that can help in a one-time situation. But what to do if manipulation by silence is repeated over and over again?
What to do if your partner regularly manipulates and plays the silent game? Now you know what effect total ignoring has on the psyche. You need to talk to your partner and explain the situation to him. If you remain unheard, that’s a good reason to break off the relationship.
You just find yourself in a situation where you are better off without the relationship than with it. After all, when you are regularly manipulated it can not bring happiness.
Choose partners initially not prone to manipulation. Otherwise you will have to suffer a lot.
Now I will share with you the signs by which you can calculate a toxic man. This will help you in the future not to step on the same rake.
Signs of a toxic man – Top 6
At the very beginning of your interaction with a man, pay attention to his behavior and thinking. If he has one or more of the signs written below, it is better to avoid communicating with such a man.
Trait #1 – Negative Attitudes
Such a person may: – Speak disparagingly to those below him in status (waiters, service personnel, etc.); – Speak negatively about others; – Blame everyone around him, etc;
If a man is arrogant with a waiter for example, you can be sure he will eventually talk to you that way too.
Sign #2 – Attitude towards Parents
Pay attention to how the man talks to his parents. If he speaks disparagingly to his mother, is rude, does not put her in anything, then the same will be his behavior in your couple.
Sign #3 – The Piker
A male player is a pick-up artist. A woman to him is just another victim. How dangerous is this type of man? A good pick-up man knows how to get her interested and fall in love.
In a few words I will tell you how to unmask such a man.
From the first seconds he is easy to talk to. Usually men are a little shy with girls they don’t know. This is not the case with a pickup artist, but he can tell an interesting story and is emotionally charged from the first second. He can periodically disappear, and then appear as if nothing had happened. This kind of guy is like playing life, for him everything is a game and everything is easy.
A pickup truck is bad because you cannot build something serious with him. Also, in this game he is the leader, and the girl is the slave. Therefore it is the victim who experiences the unshared feelings.
Sign #4 – Manipulator
There are people who achieve their goals through manipulation. A man prone to manipulation is generally better to avoid, and definitely should not build a relationship with him.
Sign #5 – The environment
There is an opinion that a person is the average of the five people that surround him. There is indeed a rational reason for this. Pay attention to your man’s friends. Who are they? What they do and what worldview they have. Because unlike parents, friends are chosen. And friends are almost always similar worldview, interests and stuff like that. If his environment repulses you, that’s a reason to think.
Sign #6 – Depreciates any success
Recently I watched an interview on Youtube of a successful man who created a fistfighting league. In the story about his parents, he said that his father was a general and they lived well, but not rich. And he achieved everything on his own.
How much criticism there was in the comments addressed to him: Nobleman; Daddy is a general, but he pours into his ears that he achieved everything himself; He is something rotten inside; And so on.
Only a few said that the man is good, and he is really good.
Well, there are men who devalue any success. In their picture of the world, there is no way to earn it yourself. Money can either be stolen or inherited. There is no other way.
What are the dangers of this type of man? The fact is that if you start to achieve any results in life, such people will pull you down. They will not allow you to succeed. I am already silent about the fact that such men themselves do not become successful – it is obvious.
Now you know why the manipulation of silence and ignoring is the most toxic to the psyche, you also know how to behave in such a situation. In conclusion, I would like to say that the most useless thing you can do in communication is to resist manipulation.
The best way to defeat a manipulator is to refuse his “game”. You simply do not benefit from participating in it, a lot of effort and energy is wasted. It is better to initially communicate and build relationships with people who do not play dirty games and do not manipulate your feelings.
That’s it for me. If this article was useful to you – share it on social networks. If you still have any questions – you can always ask them in the comments.
How do I react to my husband ignoring me?
“He doesn’t care!”, “He doesn’t care about me!”, “He doesn’t care about me!”, and next, maybe: “I must have done something wrong,” “I’m guilty of something,” .
It is impossible to talk to him and clarify the situation, he closes down and keeps silent.
This is hard to bear, tension builds and protest rises because your heart hurts and is lonely. And it pours out in your attempts to get through to him, which come down in the form of questions and accusations. All this and it is said, “You don’t care!”, “You don’t care about me!”, “You don’t love me!” and of course some more specific complaints and grievances are expressed with generalizations: “You never help me with the baby!”, “Every weekend you go out with friends”, “You sit at the computer all the time!”, etc.
How hopeful you are to address this to him.
Probably not to offend, to humiliate, to push away. In order to get a response, to hear that it is not so. Because you want him to disprove all your speculations, to be reassured to know that he cares and loves you. To comfort your pain, to hold you and tell you that he is there for you.
Now tell me, how can he possibly guess that all those tender, vulnerable feelings lie beneath your pressure of criticism and blame?
That’s right, he can’t. And what happens to him when your urges and attempts to reach out come down on him like a snowball? Do you think he feels it?
I mean, his ignoring didn’t come out of nowhere, it’s his ultimate response to your reaching out to him.
Maybe you were trying to tell him what you are not happy about, but in such a way that your husband at first probably became defensive and there was a conflict. And then, when he realized that it didn’t work, he shut down. Usually, a partner who withdraws (and who ignores, exactly withdraws) begins to feel inadequate, bad, somehow not the same. He sees that the woman he loves is not happy, she feels bad. And draws a conclusion: it means that he as a man failed, could not make her happy. They feel tremendous tension and powerlessness. This is unbearable, and at first they fight to defend themselves, to explain or to show you that you too, so to speak, are not perfect. This doesn’t help, of course, but increases your anger. And then they shut down to wait it out, to calm down, to keep at least some peace so it doesn’t get worse.
And you have the agonizing feeling that he is unavailable, that he is not with you, and you want so much to bring him back, to get closer, to destroy that distance. Feelings of protest, anger against his inaccessibility overwhelm you, and you rush into the fight to get him back, blaming him even more. Those who try to reach out are called stalkers in the Emotionally Focused Therapy method.
The endlessly repeating cycle that couples fall into unfolds over and over again. Getting out of it is not an easy task. But it can be done.
Take a risk and tell him how you feel, that you are hurt and lonely when he closes down, that you feel guilty, that he is very important to you, that his attention and understanding are important. And then listen to him without criticizing or blaming him.
Why don’t we do that? Because we become very vulnerable when we talk about our underlying feelings. Blaming is easier because when we’re angry, we think we’re strong. But it is these superficial reactive feelings that set off the negative cycles that repeat over and over again in couples.
Usually a lot of pain, resentment, and misunderstanding is accumulated. And it is very difficult to say sincerely about your feelings and needs. At first, everyone needs to be understood and heard. Therefore, at the reception until each of the partners is emotionally and meaningfully understood, he or she cannot hear and respond to the other. Only after feeling the acknowledgement of his feelings and meanings, he calms down and becomes able to talk about himself sincerely, without defense or accusation, and to hear and understand his loved one.
And gradually the skill of speaking about oneself in a direct and open way is formed. For example:
“When you are silent and go away, I feel so lonely and hurt. And I get angry and scream and blame you, hoping that you will hear me, come back and be there for me. After all, you are so important and I need you.”
And the second partner’s words (the one behind the ignoring):
“When you yell and blame me, I get angry, too, because I feel like it’s my fault that you feel bad, like I failed. I feel powerless because what I’m doing I don’t think you appreciate. And then I shut down and stay quiet so it doesn’t get worse, and walk away to calm down, to wait it out.”
Yes, it’s work to transform the usual negative cycle into a positive and supportive one. But the result is the return or birth of love. Try it for yourself or come to couples emotionally focused therapy.