What is the right way to reconcile?

How to make up and get out of the conflict with dignity?

Without conflict it is impossible to live, even if you’re a very peace-loving person and try to avoid them in every possible way. Quarrels are not the most pleasant moments in dealing with others, but sometimes they help to solve painful problems or to throw out accumulated irritation. To avoid that disagreements with someone do not spoil further communication, you need to know how to make up in all situations.

Preparing for Reconciliation

No matter how clichéd it may sound, in a conflict it is always both to blame. Some more, some less, but one person starts the scolding and the other one escalates the process. Therefore, after a quarrel, it is important to realize your share of responsibility and not be afraid to take responsibility for the situation that has occurred.

Let’s look at specific examples of the causes of some typical conflicts and their possible consequences:

  1. Disagreements with the other half. Love relationships are sooner or later overshadowed by quarrels. It is important to realize that they happen for a reason. Each conflict is the result of a clash of interests and characters. If it ends productively, and both sides draw conclusions and try not to repeat mistakes, then disagreements are only beneficial. It is good when both participants in a relationship strive for personal development and jointly seek a way out of any peripeteia. But when the same quarrel happens over and over again and the partners do not strive to eliminate the root of the problem, the situation may not end in the best way. For example, reconciliation with a husband or lover cannot happen only on the basis of a woman’s desire. Selfless women often sacrifice their interests for the benefit of the man, and he only gets cheekier from year to year. Sooner or later the conflicts in such a union will lead to a breakup. Therefore, each of the partners should strive to reconcile.
  2. Problems with relatives. Family occupies a huge niche in everyone’s life. If there is a strong rear, where you will always be supported and helped, then any problems are not so scary. But relationships with family members are not always smooth. Despite the family connection, we are all different people with our own cockroaches in the head. Squabbles between siblings are common and sometimes originate in childhood. Conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law, parents and children also occur quite often. In these situations it is difficult to find right and wrong, because people of different ages and worldviews are not easy to find a common language. In order not to spoil relationships, it is better to be wiser and not respond to quarrels and provocations. After all, it is always difficult to find the words to reconcile, and after the conflict is left an unpleasant residue.
  3. Conflicts with friends. You were thick as thieves, but there was a quarrel? The reasons for disagreements between friends is the sea: from the accumulated irritation, ending with banal envy. If not proclaimed burning problems, friendship may come to naught because of the accumulated negative. Do not be afraid to find out in time, not waiting for an explosion of emotions. It also happens that the cause of the conflict is too serious, and the friendship can not continue. In this case, it is better to explain everything in detail and respectfully to the person and stop communicating.
  4. Problems at work. The most common causes of conflict in the team are:
  • gossip,
  • unfair pay,
  • incompetence of employees and unwillingness to work,
  • envy of more successful colleagues,
  • too rigid or, on the contrary, too soft management.

Unfortunately, colleagues are not chosen, and we often have to put up with unpleasant people at work. It is understandable that if your pride is hurt in the conflicts, you have been lied to or unfairly deprived of a bonus, it is necessary to fight for your honor and dignity. But when the reason for the disagreement was a minor detail or someone’s bad mood, it is better to refuse to participate in the quarrel and keep a neutral position.

As you can see, misunderstandings and quarrels can occur almost everywhere. Do not despair if such unpleasant events are frequent guests in your life. The main thing in a conflict situation – in time to understand who should make the first step to meet.

Who should be the first to make peace?

Different worldviews of people is often not only an excuse for disagreement, but also interferes with the speedy reconciliation of the parties. Each person is individual and looks at the situation from the position of his or her ego. Therefore, there is no definite answer to the question of who should reconcile first.

In a love relationship, a man and a woman often expect the same actions from each other after a conflict:

  • Reconciliation after a short period of time,
  • initiative from the partner to make amends,
  • not to be reproached for what has happened,
  • a detailed analysis of the situation and explaining all the nuances,
  • to remove the cause of the conflict,
  • a confession of love.

Expectations often contradict reality. Participants in emotional relationships may behave quite differently, further exacerbating the resulting negative. So I want to say one thing: to offer to make up first must be the one who really wants to stop the quarrel, whether he is right in this situation or not. If a person really loves, he will learn to give in. Believe me, the other half sooner or later will notice it and follow the right example.

But with relatives and not very relatives in a conflict situation is difficult to make a decision. Communication with them is not so close, but they are family, and we feel the need to maintain relations at all costs. Having quarreled with relatives, you often do not know how to make peace with them: grandmother, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, adult son and daughter all require a special approach. With older representatives, it is best not to clash at all. They are unlikely to change their behavior and come up first after a quarrel. When squabbles occur between brothers and sisters, it’s hard to even think how you can make up with them first. Conflicts with these relatives usually stretch back to childhood. Someone was loved more, someone bought a more expensive toy. Go towards and extend the white flag in this situation should be the one who really matured. With children you need to build boundaries: not too pry into their lives, but also do not allow inappropriate communication with them. If a conflict with a son or daughter occurred not on your initiative, it is better to wait for the first step to reconciliation from them.

Friends can easily become enemies after a strong disagreement. If you value the person, then you can meet halfway in a conflict situation, but do not forget about your dignity. Many people wonder how to make up with a friend, if he himself is to blame and is not trying to justify himself. Here you can advise to just go out to talk. Invite your friend to discuss the problem and sort things out, maybe this will encourage him to ask for forgiveness.

Conflicts in the team are very poisonous. You can simply ignore them and communicate with those who are unpleasant, only on business matters. If you are uncomfortable after a quarrel, and the person who offended you is not going to rush to reconciliation, you can try to do it yourself. Just come and offer to forget about the incident, if you can mentally overpower yourself. A favorable atmosphere in the team is very important for quality work and a normal mood. The hardest thing to understand is how to reconcile with the boss after a quarrel. He obviously will not take the first steps due to his status, and disagreements with him will poison your working life. If you were wrong, you can take the initiative to reconcile. But, if the conflict happened as a result of injustice to you, it is better to go to a workplace settlement service, having first read the collective bargaining agreement. Don’t let your superiors overstep their bounds and respect yourself.

Only you can find the best solution to any conflict situation. All quarrels can not start from nothing. Initially there was some impetus, the trigger. By identifying it, you solve the problem by half. Be discreet and think things through before you throw words. Such worldly wisdom will help to reduce the quarrels to a minimum. If a conflict still occurred, and the first step towards reconciliation must be made all the same you, it is important to correctly approach this issue. We will give you some tips for a successful reconciliation.

How to make up first?

In love there are no prohibitions, so if you value the other half, you can give in almost any situation. How to act to be sure to reconcile with your loved one after a quarrel:

  1. Admit guilt, or at least part of it. This will give your partner confidence that you appreciate and understand him.
  2. In a respectful way, tell what you are feeling and emotions.
  3. Suggest ways and options for solving the problem.
  4. Say that you missed him very much during the quarrel.

After these actions, even the most adamant person will want to reduce the conflict and forgive any wrongs.

With relatives, it’s even easier. After a disagreement has arisen, you have more time to pout and reflect on your behavior. If you don’t want to see each other in person and talk about reconciliation, you can just call and offer to forget old grudges. You don’t have to say big words, you can just laugh together about what happened or ask for forgiveness if you are at fault.

Real friends rarely hold grudges for long, so it is not difficult to make up with them. You can offer like nothing happened to go out and have fun. And at the meeting place just casually discuss the conflict that occurred.

Quarrels at work are unpleasant, but if you feel guilty, it is better to make the first step yourself. For example, there are many options for easy reconciliation in the office:

  • Leave a note on your desk at work,
  • send an e-mail to the corporate e-mail account,
  • sit down at lunch and start a conversation,
  • finally, just walk up and explain yourself.

All of these methods are suitable if the conflict was not too serious. But how do you make up with someone who hates you? If the quarrel has turned into a real war, and many options for raising the white flag fall away, it is better to act as simply as possible. Regardless of with whom you argued, try to be sincere and from the heart to choose words for reconciliation. Explain that you don’t want to fight anymore and see no reason to continue the conflict. Admit your part of the blame and discuss options for further communication. It can be resumed or eliminated. Regardless of the outcome, you will know that you have done all you can and your conscience is clear.

We hope that all your conflicts will be resolved in the best way possible and that your life will be full only of positive and pleasant emotions! Making up – much better than fighting!

How to properly make peace after a quarrel. Top 10 tips from family psychologists.

Some spouses, after allowing the quarrel itself, make additional mistakes in the form of attempts to reconcile in a way that further irritates his (her) partner. And these partners themselves, reacting to someone else’s clumsy attempts at reconciliation, at the same moment commit no less foolish acts, “show character” and in every way avoid resuming those contacts that are necessary to implement the reconciliation.

The ten most common “mistakes of reconciliation” Having quarreled with your spouse is absolutely impossible:

  • Reconcile while intoxicated (especially in such a degree of intoxication, when people in the morning do not remember that they have already made up and trying to do the same thing again, as if “for an encore!”)
  • Calling with the goal to “have a detailed heart-to-heart talk and put everything in its place” in the midst of his “half” working day, when he (she) is working and has no opportunity to talk normally. And her (his) refusal to communicate only adds oil to the fire of a quarrel;
  • Refuse to pick up the phone when your spouse, with whom you are fighting, is trying to reach you. As surveys show, the partner at this time may think that you are already having sex with someone dead drunk (etc.) and therefore simply unable to answer! Of course, he (she) all this does not cause much joy;
  • Do not respond after a quarrel to a neutral or conciliatory SMS “half. In this case, a very narcissistic partner can get so offended that even the smallest quarrel can last two weeks;
  • Send a text message to your “half” with whom you are fighting, with a succinct request: “Call me! The partner may be afraid that calling first, he (she) as if puts himself (herself) in the position of “the loser (her)” and therefore eventually will not call you. And the lack of calls from your partner, in turn will cause a surge of negative emotions on your part. So an awkward attempt to reconcile boomerang hits you yourself;
  • Calling your “half” for a while after a quarrel (or picking up the phone after her/his call) to start a conversation with the phrase: “Well, I hope you finally realized your mistakes and already want to apologize! As a rule, such a formulation of the question causes furious rage, and the person who picked up the phone (or called you himself) will end up not only not saying words of reconciliation, but, on the contrary, composing something especially juicy and multi-story in response to you;
  • call and start your supposedly “conciliatory” conversation with the phrase: “Of course you are a scoundrel (insensitive brute, ungrateful animal, traitor, etc.), but I love you and suggest we forget about the spat that occurred…”. Such a beginning is very seldom very fruitful;
  • knocking on the door for hours after a quarrel with a spouse locked in an office or bathroom with a categorical demand to open immediately and “sort it all out”. This behavior rarely helps to overcome a marital crisis;
  • Threaten that if your spouse does not take the initiative to reconcile within a certain number of days, you will immediately find a completely different loved one or start cheating;
  • seek help from parents, close friends (girlfriends), or employers of their “half”. Usually this is perceived by him/her as a way to put pressure (which is exactly what it is!) and only makes the situation worse.

How to Reconcile After a Fight – Tip Two. Reconcile within 24 hours after a quarrel! My long-term surveys show convincingly:

The vast majority of men and women want to make up immediately on the day of the quarrel. And if so, then you should humble your character and no matter how angry or offended you are, make up on the same day that the quarrel took place. Of course, to make up two or three days after the quarrel is also possible, but there is a high probability that someone from your couple will leave a bad sediment on the soul, which in the future will cause new quarrels. So, I advise you not to experiment on your personal happiness!

How to make up after quarrels – Tip number three. Take the initiative to reconcile!

Family – this is a special place on Earth, where men and women can and should be exactly as they really are – without any excessive posturing and desire to seem more important than they really are. Everything that happens in a family is deeply intimate and does not happen in front of everyone. That’s why, unlike conflicts at work, where everyone looks at us and evaluates our “fighting” behavior, we don’t need to “stand our ground” and “defend our position no matter what,” especially if we know we’re wrong.

My observations show:

In families where both spouses are capable of taking the first step toward reconciliation at once, there are virtually no crises or divorces.

So if you consider yourself a sensible person and seek to save the family – learn to make the first step to reconciliation, even if you think that you were wronged. Believe my polls and observations:

Reconcile first and it’s sure to be appreciated. Even if they don’t say it out loud.

Act in your family… like you do in your family! Take the initiative to reconcile and the family future will not deceive you.

How to make peace after a fight – Tip number four. Know exactly what your partner expects from you!

Here you can go into a little more detail. As a reminder, this tip is written in accordance with expectation #4, which laid two things in place at once:

First, that the process of reconciliation itself must happen within the time frame and scenario that your partner(s) has drawn in his/her head;

Secondly, it is essential that you – as the initiator of the reconciliation, not just capitulate, and completely or at least partially recognize the rightness of the other side!

On this basis, it follows:

  • Know exactly when your partner prefers that you give in to him or her. In practice, different people may have completely different timelines: some people like to be reconciled five minutes after a fight, while others are fundamentally convinced that if the disagreement lasted less than two or three days, it means that the parties never made any conclusions and therefore early reconciliation is simply pointless! (Of course, favorite terms of reconciliation of your partner no one can tell you. They have to be established by yourself! And the best way to find them from the analysis of past quarrels or personal communication with your partner on this subject.
  • During the reconciliation should always say that a little thinking, you’re ready to admit something right about your partner. This is the most “in some ways” is actually not so scary. It is possible that your partner will just become so nice, that no one will demand from you a significant change in his behavior or approach!

How to make up after arguments – Tip Five. Don’t discuss the conflict situation at the time of reconciliation! My surveys show:

Most quarreling lovers and spouses do not like to return to the subject of the quarrel during the reconciliation!

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should just forget everything that happened and never come back to it. Of course not! Remember that no matter how senseless a quarrel may seem, in fact it never is: our unconscious never does anything for nothing! So go back to figuring out the real causes of quarrels and mutual unmet expectations.

However, have a little patience and just do it a little later…

How to make up after a fight – Tip Six. Make up very emotionally!

Since most of the men and women interviewed (especially women!) really want the very moment of reconciliation to be the most pleasant and memorable event possible, this means that you need to make it very emotional! When you with flowers, cake or ice cream (mainly not with a rolling pin in the hands) will go towards each other – immediately let out a cry of happiness, lose what was in your crayons (the main thing is that you have made up. ), hug each other tightly, press each other to the crunch of ribs, kiss, start to stroke the other’s hair or back, and can even cry a little! You know you can’t spoil porridge with butter!

How to Reconcile After a Fight – Tip Seven. Explain to your spouse why you decided to make up after all!

When it comes to the need to reconcile after a quarrel, every man and woman wants to know two things:

  • He (or she) still appreciated!
  • Deciding to call first, the partner is sincere and is not trying to solve their financial, career or intimate problems at your expense. For this reason, in the monologue, which you should compose before you start to make up, be sure to include:
  • You finally realized and even felt with what all the same good man you live and communicate all this time!
  • You need absolutely nothing from him (her), except that this man so much adored by you (you just do not always show it well!) always stays near you!

Definitely assure you: it will definitely work!

Tip number eight. Convince your spouse that you felt very bad without him/her!

This point is not a continuation of the previous point. The seventh point was mostly about the words and actions that work at the level of your partner’s mind. Now it’s time to take on his emotions! The more courageous you will admit that you absolutely know how to get along without your loved one, the sooner you will make up!

How to make up after a fight – Tip number nine. Convince your spouse that he or she was very sick without you!

The difference between the eighth and ninth item you probably noticed. In the first case, you tried to convince your quarreling “half” that it was bad from the quarrel was you, but now you have to convince him / her that just as bad from the conflict was and him / her! And it is especially useful in those families where, after a quarrel likes to play “silence” for a few days at a time.

That is, going to the reconciliation spouses should absolutely unequivocally convince their partner that:

  • he/she really suffered a lot without you;
  • He/she was bored without you and had no one to go to the movies, go to a cafe, go for a walk;
  • The fact that he or she has already begun to slowly get used to living without you is just a temporary and very dangerous illusion… Technically, this is done by two methods: Two technical methods for convincing your partner that he or she felt very bad while you were apart. You offer an extensive cultural program.

Going to the reconciliation, you just have to immediately offer your partner a number of entertaining, cultural or recreational activities! And the mere fact of announcing all of this list will show him (her) that with you much more interesting than without you!

Reception #2. You artificially warm up your partner emotionally by telling him/her about your suffering during a long quarrel, willy-nilly resurrecting in his/her memory your own suffering from the first days of the quarrel. And they certainly have them all!

However, since most often it happens that by the time you reconcile, the main suffering of your partner is already in the past, then the only way out for you is to cause him (her) the memories of his (her) own former suffering for your absence. And to do this you have to tell him about your own suffering, as if emotionally “light up” your partner.

At the time of reconciliation of the spouses after a long quarrel can not save emotions!

If the spouse will be “warmed up” emotionally – then the chances of the next conflict will be greatly reduced.

How to make up after a quarrel – Tip ten. Convince your spouse that you are still his (her) family property!

No matter how you deny it, we need to understand:

Love and family relationships are necessarily built on one person’s sense of ownership of the other!

And so, at the time of reconciliation, it is fundamentally important to suppress and extinguish the quite natural jealousy partner, to convince him (her) that during your quarrel you have not changed right and left, and your couple has not become a love triangle. In general, I advise you to make the most of the magical meaning of the phrase “I am yours”! The more often you will repeat something stupid like “Your kitty really missed you…”, the faster you will overcome some naturally occurring because of jealousy alienation. And during normal communication, all spouses can be advised: The more often you tell your partner “I was thinking about you,” the less quarrels and rifts you will have!

If you apply all three of these techniques, you are destined for success! I’m giving you a good toolkit for timely suppression or the right way out of family conflicts. It’s time to put the rake aside and go hugging!

Sincerely, Andrei Zberovsky, family psychologist.

My video advice you can see here

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If you or your couple needs help,

I will be happy to give advice from family psychologist Zberovsky

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