Respect for parents
Our parents are people no less traumatized than we are. In many places, they have received many times less than we have. And attention, and warmth, and material benefits. They had no psychologists, no books, no training and no culture of using it all. Their parents did not read any books on parenting or even Spock. They were raised as best they could.
They lived with their pain and anguish for the rest of their lives, not knowing where to put it all. They did not have time to recognize themselves, building five-year plans in three years. They had another life filled with other people’s meanings, goals, and plans.
Yes, it was a different time, when it was not accepted to listen to yourself, when opportunities were strictly limited, when there was not so much money. Although there was a lot of other things that are missing now. But being yourself back then sounded strange. Be a communist, an engineer, an overachiever, a labor veteran. Be a person needed by society. That was the main thing.
In their childhood, the norm was crèches from three or four months, belts over beds to be feared, busy parents and party ideology. In this crowd, no one cared about each individual’s feelings and needs. Not at all.
Their hearts, in which all their experiences were hidden, were closed with huge locks. And it is very scary to open this rusty miracle now.
Because so many years have accumulated an unreal amount of things. They’d like to, but they’re afraid and they can’t. They would certainly not mind getting knowledge about themselves and life, and at the same time the opportunity to apply it at the time of their youth.
It’s harder for them to change. When you’re 20, you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t risk much either. You try, you look, you change. You are not afraid yet and it is not so difficult. When you are 50, it is much more difficult.
The baggage is huge, there is a lot of useless experience, there is also a feeling “well now it is too late for me”, and besides you do not want to look old maniac, having joined a sect. So even though our parents need all of this, it is infinitely more difficult for them to start.
They need a very strong incentive to make up their minds. For many, illness becomes that incentive. Especially if it is serious and fatal. Although not everyone rushes at this time to change their head and cleanse their heart, but often it is at this point that they stop being afraid of change. What’s the point of being afraid if you can try?
In gaining knowledge, many of them can be in a hell of a lot of pain. Because most of life has been lived, and what if it has been lived “for nothing” or in the wrong place? One woman, in her fifties, cried when she met her and said how sorry she was that she had devoted her whole life to communism and not to her own children.
There is very little contact with the children, they don’t feel much affection for their mother, because they were raised separately from three months of age. Life is coming to an end, and there is an emptiness and pain inside. “If only I had known. ” she said.
They don’t know how to build a relationship with their hearts, they would like to love and be loved, but with a barn lock on their hearts it doesn’t work. They want attention, they desperately want to feel needed. It’s scary to let the children grow up, because it’s not clear who to live for afterwards.
They don’t know themselves, it’s hard for them to be alone with themselves. And they want to be loved. But they cannot ask, they can only manipulate, lecture, demand respect, attention, make shows, behave like little children, interfere, try to live their life as children again.
And when we see only such manifestations of them, without understanding what is behind it all, we become resentful, angry, involved, giving all our energy to saving the parents, to the detriment of our own children.
But if we see the reason for this behavior, if we see those locks on their hearts, the fear of the meaninglessness of life in their eyes, the fear of loneliness, deeply traumatized hearts and a certain stiffness that lacks flexibility, it can make all the difference.
In our own heart toward our parents. And that is sometimes enough.
They are afraid to be alone with their pain. They really want to get rid of it, but they can’t. They don’t know themselves, they don’t understand or accept. They have no knowledge, only “everybody lives this way. And they don’t know how to live any other way. And is it even possible to live any other way, do they have the right to do it?
Our fathers, when they retire, instantly lose the meaning of life and become ill. But as soon as they get a job again, many of their health problems recede. Our mothers the further away, the less they take care of themselves, they say, for whom and why, they are already old and fat anyway.
It is difficult for them to spend time and money on themselves, with all the pension they would rather buy toys for their grandchildren. Together with children, the meaning of their lives leaves, so they fight for their children, clinging to them, dragging them back under their wing with all their might, even though the children are desperate to resist.
You encounter this kind of thing, and sometimes you don’t know where to start. Relationships hurt, they do not bring any joy. How do you change them? Is it possible? You can, although it is difficult.
I can only guarantee a change in your own heart, and then – as it turns out. Start by feeling with all your heart that your parents (or spouse’s parents) are good people.
Underneath all their not always pleasant manifestations for us, they are good.
They, too, want to love, to be happy, but can’t get over their own inertia, don’t know how, and are afraid to start. They have their own ideas about happiness (which for them is often synonymous with security), their own ways to express feelings, and with feelings in many complicated relationship.
Maybe they will never learn to show their love for us in a way that makes us happy.
Maybe instead of “I love you” they will always say “why are you so skinny” or “again without a hat” or “home as always a mess” or “who needs you but me.
If you see love in all of this inside – even a deformed, mutilated, maybe even emasculated love, but still love – it will become easier.
All parents love their children, and all children love their parents. It’s just that sometimes it takes a strange form. But a tree, even if its trunk is battered by winds and storms, even if it is crooked and gaunt and not too tall, is still a tree, right? The point is the same if you want to see it.
Our parents will also have to grow up if they want to be happy. The further our life goes, the more important it is to learn to find happiness in our hearts, to feel ourselves as part of the universe and to seek answers to our inner questions.
And they, too, will have to make that journey. By themselves, on their own. There is nothing we can do for them, alas. We can only pray for them, NOT hold grudges against them and NOT become their victims. We can share some information, unobtrusively, not from an older, smarter perspective.
I was once very worried about my mom, who is alone and so far away, and sometimes has health problems. And then it hit me – my mom is still young after all, she’s only 55 now and wasn’t even 50 then, she has lots of interests and hobbies, she has girlfriends there, relatives, a job (though it would have been quicker to end that kind of work). She’s an adult, independent person who can do quite well without me behind the wall.
Though it wasn’t easy to understand and see, letting her live her own life too, not trying to drag her where I like, not imposing my vision of happiness on her (I wish I could marry her!), not remaking her and the way she shows love – that’s what my love for my mom is expressed in.
And it’s a much more mature and valuable love than the love you had 10 years ago – the painful feeling that you can’t live without you, that you have to and must, and mom is wrong everywhere and doesn’t understand anything. As my attitude toward my mom changes, so does she herself, and that can’t help but feel good.
In my world today, there are several axioms about parents that would be helpful for all of us to realize:
Parents are good people.
Parents are people with their own destiny, their own lessons and processes.
Parents are also people with their own set of traumas.
Parents are adults, even if they don’t act like adults.
Parents have the right to live their lives the way they want, even if we don’t like it, they have the right to choose.
Parents always love their children as much as they can and as much as they can – but the manifestations of this are different for everyone.
Parents are entitled to their feelings and the line of behavior they choose.
Parents are in any case worthy of respect and gratitude.
The best return for parents is to be happy and to raise happy children.
You can very clearly see the correlations here. You only have to mentally step outside of your life and see it all from the outside:
If you think your parents are old and infirm (even if they’re 40-50), that’s how they’re going to behave. And besides, you can’t respect them.
If you think your parents can’t do without you (I don’t mean extreme cases of illness or disability), that’s hubris on your part and denying them the opportunity to be happy.
If you start treating them like children, that’s how they will behave. And your children will miss you very much at the same time, because all your energy will flow in the opposite direction.
If you see that they are mature, independent and adequate people who have lived their whole life without your support, and even on the contrary, invested their time and energy in you, then their parents will start to behave differently.
If you can grow up and change your attitude towards your parents inside your heart, something will start to change on the outer plane as well, though there are no guarantees and everyone has their own speed.
At the same time, adult children should remember one systemic rule (from their formation practice) – the young family has an advantage over the parental family. That is, both husband and wife should first and foremost take care of their own family, helping their parents NOT to the detriment of their own children and themselves.
Invest in the future, not in the past. Especially your energy, thoughts, and emotions. Remember during the wedding when the priest says that phrase about detaching yourself from your parents and clinging to your husband or wife? That’s what it’s all about. Respect your father and mother, but cling to your spouse and consider him or her as the main person in your life from now on.
You need to help your parents when it is within your power and ability, when they really need it, when they are willing to accept help in the form that you are willing to give it, when you help with gratitude, without pride and with respect.
And yes, it’s better to start by building respect for them in your heart, then the help will benefit both parties, and the relationship will bring more joy. First – respect. And then everything else.
Respect for parents
We live in an age where respect for parents is not as common as we would like it to be. In this article, we’ll look at where disrespect comes from, and what to do so that children can maintain a warm relationship with their mother and father when they grow up.
Why don’t children respect their parents?
Relationships within the family are built from the birth of children. They depend not only on character traits, but also on behavior, mood, emotions and feelings. If the background is good, it is possible to build trusting and respectful relationships. In this case, each member of the family has his own place. He understands the boundaries of others, provides help when it is needed.
Families where there is no respect for elders look different. Complete chaos often reigns in them. Constant conflicts in escalated tones are common. There is no understanding or closeness between adults and children. Children tend to distance themselves from their parents because they find being together uncomfortable and boring.
However, without adults, children do not form a clear-cut position in life. They don’t have an authority whom they can trust and with whom they would like to share their innermost feelings. Often the problem lies in the parents’ neglect of their children. The husband comes home from work, he is tired, his wife is busy in the kitchen, then she has laundry, cleaning, checking homework, washing dishes. The man shifts the problems of parenting to the woman, she shifts them back.
The situation is even worse in dysfunctional families. In most cases, their moral principles have been erased. The parents are addicted to alcohol, and the children are left to their own devices. They constantly see parents fighting over alcohol, it becomes a norm of behavior. However, there are also those children who are ashamed of such mother and father. They feel sadness, resentment, disappointment, stop treating their parents well, and form their own attitude toward life. For a while they try to reach out to those they still care about. But parental blindness and misplaced priorities muffle that knock. In the end, trust and respect are shattered.
There are several major factors that lead to disrespect for elders. One is the dry rules set in the family. If there is no room for love, there is no necessary emotional connection. Simple rules of behavior don’t produce the right feelings. As a result, a child from a young age begins to form a lack of respect for his or her parents. Another reason is a lack of consistency.
There are times when parents themselves violate established norms of behavior. Somewhere they are not able to come to a consensus on some issue. The child does not understand how to behave, and parental authority for the little man is undermined.
One of the prerequisites for disrespect are frequent bans. If, as a child, any impulses were met with a rigid “no”, growing up, the person himself or herself will not hear anyone. He will cease to be interested in the opinion of other housemates, because at one time his opinion was not given importance, it was unnecessary. Undermine respectful relations angry remarks. Many adults in the upbringing of children allow themselves to snap, shout, stain communication with negative emotions. Because of the inability to control their anger, they transfer this model of behavior to the baby. And instead of something good, he begins, like a sponge, to absorb the bad.
Frequent reasons that form bad relationships are exaggerated demands and preconceived notions. The child is not forgiven for the mistakes made, he is not given a chance for an elementary explanation. Where there is no close relationship, there will never be respect. Another mistake is to compare the baby to other children. As a result, the child hears that some Vasya or Peter is better than he is. In the beginning, he may strive to imitate this person, but later he realized that no one needs this. Parents are not interested in him or her, they are only interested in his or her grades or other features of another child.
The situation can be aggravated by the lack of the right to vote. If a child cannot express his or her opinion, he or she thinks he or she is unnecessary. Over time, he or she also begins to ignore others and stops listening to his or her father and mother. If they weren’t interested in his needs and desires at the time, he does the same. Is it any wonder that there is no respect in such a family. Parental hypocrisy is also worth considering. Often in the course of their upbringing they forbid their child what they do themselves. Neglect of the rules adds to the piggy bank of reasons why children lose all respect for their parents.
In addition, some parents themselves sin by disrespecting their father and mother. Quarrels between them – a clear example of the education of disrespectful attitude toward loved ones.
What is the danger of disrespect?
Disrespect is not an innate human trait. It takes a long time to form gradually. As it develops, it devalues relationships with elders and makes them seem dismissive. Parents see the primary tasks as feeding, shoeing, clothing, healing, and creating comfortable sleeping and resting conditions. In doing so, they forget about love. Disrespect is fraught with the fact that a person ceases to experience beautiful feelings as they really are. He stops listening to his own feelings from childhood, so he won’t be interested in other people’s feelings either. He accepts as a fact that nothing depends on his wishes. Further behavior is rebellion or humility.
The second model of behavior is considered the worst. Constant reproaches, yelling, ignoring children’s opinions interfere with the formation of personality and manifestation of responsibility. As a result, boys and girls grow up infantile. If they were not given the opportunity to make decisions, it becomes a habit. Mother and father, loaded with work, begin to demand a show of gratitude. Psychologically speaking, if there are problems in the family, it is the parents, not the children, who are to blame. Disrespect mirrors parental attitudes toward children. It blunts all the good in a person, interferes with his life, creates difficulties in communication, and sometimes impedes socialization.
Often it is associated with gaining independence . On the contrary, teenagers start to demand help, doing nothing in return. A consumerist position emerges. What is given easily in life, is devalued and loses importance. The son or daughter, for whom all problems are constantly being solved, forgets about the elementary “thank you”. There is no gratitude, no responsibility. Total parental control can lead to generational conflict.
A simple request can be perceived as an invasion of privacy, a violation of boundaries. The older the child, the more hostile attitude to hints, advice. He should not live by the invented rules of his relatives. They are not necessarily faithful and do not always need to be obeyed unquestioningly.
Along with vanity, overprotection can ruin children’s lives. Since childhood, disrespect for the father or mother can manifest itself in different patterns of behavior. For example, it can be refusal to do housework, deliberate dirtying of things, stealing money. In adolescence, a variety of rebellion is possible. Some teenagers invite friends over, throw parties in the absence of adults. Others openly swear in front of their elders, adding abusive language to their speech. They may use their mother’s cosmetics or clothes without asking.
Others extort money to satisfy their own needs. Often adolescents are idle and indulge in apathy. Some stop taking care of their pets, and some start to unceremoniously interfere in the personal life of their father and mother. The rudeness is accompanied by shouting, addressing in high tones, and irritation. Some teenagers drive parents to tears. And all in order to be noticed . As they get older, this becomes a habit. Neglect becomes the norm, it is expressed by irritation and disgust.
Parents may seem nasty to the child. All they can get as a child’s attention is a frown, unkindness and scowl.
Later the child will boss around both mom and dad. And he will not care that his parents may be sick and infirm. In the understanding of the son or daughter, they will be required to do everything to keep the child in a zone of comfort. Sometimes behavior reaches the point of absurdity: do not like the food, it is not so salted, not cleaned shoes of children, not put in place his socks. Disrespect is dangerous to the appearance of laziness. The child ceases to help with household chores, he can talk long hours on the phone, on social networks, chatting nicely with friends. But parents get inattention, interrupted conversations, arguments, rude objections. Parental status is belittled.
There is an aversion to the opinion of elders. Some people even do the opposite, just to disagree with the opinion of others. All of these are reactions that began to form in childhood. Children become inconsiderate and can cause problems in the presence of parents. Without any shame or embarrassment they quarrel in front of them with their sisters, brothers, other relatives and even guests. Mature children even censure their relatives in public and emphasize their shortcomings. But they do not realize that by doing this they also humiliate themselves. They are defaming their reputations and burdening their loved ones. This alienates family members from one another. Often, because of the lack of respect, elderly parents live out their lives in misery.
Some even stoop to physical abuse. Others simply get rid of those who raised them by sending their relatives to a nursing home. The most severe form of manifestation is aggression, which sometimes reaches the level of murder. The desire for the speedy death of the mother or father in order to inherit can push ignorant children into crime.
How do you teach a child to be respectful?
Before making any demands on the child, parents need to start with themselves. The child should be treated as an equal member of the family. To make him feel needed, you need to ask his opinion, starting with the simplest questions: Does he like his mother’s dress, what he prefers to choose for art class, what ice cream he prefers to taste.
It is necessary to understand that authority and respect should stand on the same scale. Parents’ authority will be formed by their relationships, standards of behavior with their relatives, loved ones, others, and especially in the family circle. Seeing all of this, the child at 3-5 years of age will already have a strengthened understanding of the correct model of behavior. Conflicts should be kept to a minimum if possible. They should not be in front of children. If they do occur, it is necessary to explain things calmly, reasoning without raising your voice and without turning to yelling. It is necessary to instill in the child a similar pattern, so that in the future he will not stoop to scandals and abusive attitudes.
Nurture respect from birth. By his own example, by his own life, so that children know mommy and daddy’s love, learn to love their relatives and appreciate them. A parent’s word can be an irrefutable rule, if it is rational and does not humiliate the child. If he has been promised to buy a toy, then it must be done. Promises must be kept. You can not show anger, punish and humiliate the child in public at any age. This will not make him obey better, but he will hold a grudge. His thoughts will be strengthened with the understanding that mom or dad doesn’t love him, because you don’t do that to your loved ones. Moreover, it is impossible to humiliate the teenager in public, it is better to solve everything at home.
The punishment for disobedience should not be humiliating. You can take away the phone, deprive your child of computer games, temporarily disconnect the Internet. You can not punish with food in any case. To achieve children’s respect, you need to respect the child yourself, to show it in your actions and deeds. It is important that the family was not categorical differences of opinion. Decisions need to be made together. Some of them can and should be discussed with your son or daughter. As a child, this could be a question about choosing shoes, a dress, a suit, a school uniform, or notebooks. If there is no unanimity in the opinion, the baby brings up an inconsistent attitude.
If a child asks for advice, it is necessary to help. By example and in specific situations it should be explained how to behave, and what to do according to the norms of etiquette. The daughter or son should know that other adults need to be addressed as “you”, they need to open doors, they need respectful treatment and manners. It is important to learn how to behave properly at the table and in guests, observing the norms of decorum. In addition, when forming a strong and strong-willed personality, you need to be an example to your children in everything. It is important to bring up in them care and consideration for those in need.
The words “thank you” and “please” should not be an empty sound. By absorbing the behavior of their parents, children will naturally acquire a respectful attitude toward loved ones and other people.
If the situation requires it, it is necessary to apologize in time. It is not necessary to prove your rightness, where it does not exist. It is important to constantly work on themselves, to develop, to make great efforts in order for children to grow up to be worthy members of society. At the same time we can not forget about education to work. Children should have their own duties at home. This does not necessarily have to be hard work. Daughter can be trusted to water the flowers, my son – to take out the trash, to clean his belongings, wipe the dust, wash the dishes. Teenagers can already cook meals, completely clean the house. It is necessary to encourage children for their initiative. This encourages them to take on more work, taking care of their relatives.
It is necessary to draw boundaries in behavior. Rudeness, negative language and yelling at any child should not be tolerated. Children must understand the boundaries between what is allowed and what is not. With age, the younger generation will learn to subconsciously determine the distance. They will have no desire to interrupt their elders, to yell at them. To raise a decent person, parents themselves need to know the measure, not overzealous in their educational methods.
Proper parenting does not withstand extremes. Strictness must not border on humiliation and permanent bans. No mistakes should be made that will turn upbringing into a multi-year punishment.