What do you do when everyone is against you?

How do you learn to live when everyone is against you?

Good afternoon. I’m 20 years old, I’m a student. I don’t expect an immediate response, maybe I just need to speak out… What happened to me is this: I have never been able to communicate with people. That’s why I don’t have any friends. I had one friend at school… she wasn’t like the others. She was different from the other kids, because she was made fun of a lot, she put up a wall around herself, and she got pretty aggressive, she said she was fine as she was. And I had been biting my nails my whole life. Plus, I was very shy, I always felt like I wasn’t normal, that I wasn’t too pretty, that I wasn’t as smart (although I really was). And in my friend I saw strength and reached out to her, I thought she understood me. I tried to communicate with other people, but I considered her the best and most reliable friend. It was impossible to get her out of the house, she didn’t understand going to the movies, going on dates, she thought pizza was hell, she didn’t like many of the things I liked, but…I thought that she accepted me for who I was and that she understood me. That’s why I clung to her. When we separated in different cities (because of our studies), we continued to communicate. The situation became more complicated when I got a boyfriend. I was very glad…Finally I got a man who likes me, who also likes movies and ordinary human joys, even though my boy was not very popular and did not like noisy parties, but he gave me what I always wanted: love, understanding, caring, pastime. After all, if I wasn’t busy, I started digging into myself, getting depressed…Over time, my relationship with my boyfriend’s parents began to deteriorate. I made a couple of mistakes that a normal mother would have understood, but his mother is also like me in terms of fear of being alone. and it turned out that we were both pulling the poor guy, each to herself…she would not let him go to visit me, constantly near her I thought that I was being analyzed and watched every word. It got to the point where my boy was going to leave home because of this, all his friends and me included said that his parents were abnormal and that if he didn’t make a move, they would sit on his neck. That he was over 18 and being treated like a baby. And on the very day he was supposed to leave. she, who had started chasing him out of the house herself, abruptly changed her mind and locked him up at home for a few days. We were supposed to go to my house… in my town. So everything fell apart. Because he began to threaten the army (his father is in the military) and generally took away all the phones and began to monitor our communication. It was in the summer. I went home, my head was full of thoughts that I was left all alone, that my poor boy, what his abnormal parents do with him, because they can even beat him up…To make things worse, my girlfriend. a couple of months before that she dumped me, saying that I was stupid for dating such a guy and enduring the abuse of his mother, and that she saw no reason to communicate with me if I was so stupid. My ex-girlfriend had a bad history with men and hates all the guys around her. I ended up being alone. And all my fears of being alone, single, came out and I faced them again. All summer my mom kept telling me that I had to become more independent of anyone, that I had to rely on myself, to find myself. And I decided to do that. Yes, my boy and I found a way to communicate in secret, and I began to bring myself joys, to get out of my seat and spontaneously go to the movies, for example.

The school year started and my boyfriend and I saw each other 1 time in 3 months…I thought it was just like before. His parents wouldn’t let him near me now, but we saw each other at the university and occasionally on the street. I felt very lonely…with a live boyfriend. If I meet people in my life that I feel good with, I communicate and go out only with them, of course with others too, but the people I love are always in first place. As a result, the guy became more jealous, I began to go out somewhere, mostly alone, but…relations with him began to deteriorate…he was not allowed to go out, and I did not recover, after that situation and it turned out that when I needed the very warmth and communication with him, I did not get it. He started saying that I was cold, that I couldn’t hear him at all, that I didn’t remember much of what he said.

But I didn’t think I was acting wrong. I thought I was on my own, the guy next to me. And that’s the way it’s been going on until now. But I don’t feel like living for a long time, I have no friends, I can’t whine to my mom all the time, I can’t whine to my boyfriend about my feelings. I can’t, because he thinks that I’m just looking for a way to get away from myself in him, that I don’t love him. And I miss him. Our walks, our dreams together. It turns out that now we communicate with him as I did with my friend. He seems to understand me, but he can’t get me anywhere, that is not like people again.

I have no hobbies other than reading, I’m not particularly smart, I have no friends. I’m shy as hell, I don’t think people have fun with me. And my boy and that friend. were the only people I could be myself with. Who I could open up to without fear of being laughed at. Now, I feel like when I talk to a guy, I’m under a microscope. That every word I say, he only cares about himself and not about him or us.

I can’t find myself. I have nothing. and I’m afraid that I’m losing my boy the way I lost my friend and that his mother is getting what she wants – to break us up.

It’s all cumulative here, and I’m not sure I’m even writing where I should be, but I have no one to talk to openly without fear of being reproached for something.

Why is the whole world against me?

I don’t understand why my whole life everyone is against me? And lately especially. They violate my boundaries, ruin my nerves, and then blame me for it. Even the psychologist refused to see me. Although she was wrong. My ex-husband left me, and now he blames me for all the problems with the child, and the same at work.

Do you have any questions?
Ask a psychologist right now!

Karina32, hello! I will ask a couple of additional questions.

Please tell me more about the psychologist. In what, how exactly is the violation of your boundaries? And please tell me about your childhood.

Hello. The psychologist began to put pressure on me, and each time more and more, I obeyed her, but at a certain point I realized that she had gone too far in her manipulation, and I decided to refuse her services, then I changed my mind and realized that I got used to and really missed her, but my attempt to return to her was unsuccessful because. She did not change her mind to change her style of communication with me, after a cold and almost aggressive on both sides of the conversation I decided not to go back to her, and so hurt that I was so deceived. Trespassing is expressed in the fact that in the beginning she was much softer and more humane, where did my psychologist to which I was drawn at first, I still do not understand this change in her, maybe she hated me for something, so it hurts so much until now. My husband left me with a small child in his arms, and now after a quarrel with his daughter daughter called her father and asked him to take her, his father did not really need her, and I made peace with my daughter, but this man called and bombarded me with a lot of curses that I was a bad mother, I exploded in response and told him all that I think about him a traitor. At work they make mistakes, I point them out and they blame me for it, that I allegedly do it aggressively, well, how long can you do it quietly if after 4-5 times warning people do not do it right, they are to blame themselves and I kind of can not accuse them of it.

Well my childhood was very problematic, I was always in conflict with my loved ones, defended my case, but against me it was that I was a child and not an adult and therefore prove that it was very difficult, even if I was right.

Karina32, thanks for the detailed answers.

And what and to whom are you trying to prove in life? What are your feelings about this desire?

Eugene, I do not have such a desire, I would be glad not to prove anything to anyone, but when my boundaries are so blatantly violated that I should be silent? As a result, I have a reputation as a very conflicted and not an easy person, but it hurts for it.

Karina32, hello! I recommend you the article about psychological personal boundaries A psychologist will comment on your topic in a while.

What prevents you from keeping your boundaries intact?

You talked about the mistakes of others that you point out to them. Tell me, do you hold a leadership position?

Eugene, I’m wondering what’s stopping me from keeping them intact. I’m not a bad person I think, I don’t want to hurt people. Yes I have a leadership position and my direct subordinates don’t conflict with me, not anymore. Major conflicts with domestic, and with people at work who are on an equal footing with me, while I always justify their wishes, many times I say everything calmly, until one day I get off on emotion.

But here is an example hubby ex-husband whether to throw accusations in my direction, how he even his conscience called to do it I do not understand. I told him, “What do I hear from a man who left me without a penny of money and did not pay alimony for years, whether you can accuse me of something, asshole? The psychologist is also good, when I went to her we agreed on the amount that I would pay her, and then she suddenly decided to raise it, with what joy I told her you raise it because we had an agreement and you agreed with her, what unexpected turns and just at a time when I have no extra money.

Karina32, from me the last questions and then continue with the psychologist.

Please tell us about your parents and your relationship with them. How do you feel about criticizing others and yourself? What do you think are your psychological boundaries at the moment? What do you feel in moments of emotional breakdown? What is the trigger?

Relationships with my parents are complicated, I kind of worked through the problems with my mother with a psychologist and forgave her, but all the same problems remained, and I was surprised that in my last conflict with my ex-husband she took my side, I did not expect that. I stopped relations with my father and told him directly that I didn’t want to see or hear from him anymore. I take criticism positively, if it is based on my real mistakes or someone else’s, I do not argue if I am wrong, and try to correct their mistakes, and I expect the same behavior from others. My boundaries? I do not know, it’s my job, my rules based on my responsibilities. Just because I’m a mother, and I’m raising my child… I don’t let others get involved. And the fact that I don’t touch others, so let others not touch me. How I feel when I break down, I can’t tell you, it’s just like I’m letting the real me out… Which I often hold back. For example, I do not realize that I have offended the person with my words. Or the fact that a person offended me by his deeds, really I can not at least words to express his dissatisfaction, if I see that I deliberately set up a deed, it is strange that they are offended by words. But I can step over my pride and apologize if I’ve gone too far, if a quarrel is not worth spoiling relations with a man.

Karina32, hi. I feel a lot of resentment and frustration. And as if the connection with the outside world is broken, some kind of “crooked” communication, you are a kind and good person who does not touch anyone and does not wish evil, but people see you as a conflicted and complicated woman… The psychologist and that one, was soft, then, at some point, everything changed. If I tell you that the outside world only reflects your inner processes, how will this “resonate” in your soul? What happens in your relationship with the Other? How do you not violate the boundaries of Others? What’s going on in your personal life?

So far, nothing at all, and not because there is no attention to me, there is, but because I don’t want a relationship, though it seems very strange to everyone, and to me too, but I don’t want one.

Karina32, thanks for the answer! Tell me, are these disappointments and resentments… Where do they come from? What are you disappointed in? Who do you resent? Who didn’t make you happy? About the shrink, I get it. And I support you. What happened that you don’t want a relationship with men? You wrote about your strained relationship with your mother, what was going on there? (I just don’t feel like that pain is gone) And who is “everyone” who doesn’t understand you? (Here I have a feeling that everything happens the same way over and over again, as if according to the same script)

Karina32, What happened that you don’t want relationships with men? You wrote about the strained relationship with your mom, what was going on there? (I just don’t feel like that pain is gone) And who is “everyone” who doesn’t understand you? (I have a feeling that everything happens the same way over and over again, like the same scenario)

What happened with men is that I no longer want to take any responsibility for them. As they say, “the family rests on a woman”, so I do not want it to rest on me, I do not want to be someone’s mother, cook and maid, I do not want, I just do not want. Men are afraid of almost panic fear because (I’m not trying to get a price), they all want to marry me, marry want, what a horror, why can not just be, just be in a loving relationship, why they all want a family with me, and then they say that I’m crazy hysterical and men, then I all get good it is I really not normal (the opinion of society, my mom and these men) so thanks do not need me, I am not bad, even very normal. The problem with my mom is that she never supported me in my thoughts, practically we are like two different poles… I am one thing-she is another, there are clashes and contradictions in everything. As a result, I have kept communication with my mother to a minimum, and told her that if she continues to get on my nerves, then I’ll stop communicating even on the phone, so far it seems to keep quiet, pretends that she agrees with me, but I do not believe her.

Karina32, about relations with men, a separate topic, if it is important, ask) About those who “suddenly” failed. It seems to be about expecting too much from people, about believing that people should conform to your ideas and live up to your expectations. It’s very sad, believing and expecting that. Because it’s not like that at all. No one has to live up to your expectations, alas. Playing the same game with them and getting revenge? It’s like by hurting people back, you’re trying to show people that you’re hurting. And people don’t understand, and continue to live their lives the way they are comfortable… And you go on with your game… Oh, you’re not friends with me, and I’m not going to be friends with you either. It’s like a cry for help. It sounds like you haven’t reached an agreement with your mother… She hasn’t become your support and protection… So you are proving inside yourself (you – the little one – to your mother) that you are, that you need support and care… So much pain and despair in your words…

Karina32, I sympathize with you… Very… Your pain is in every letter.

I do not try to do big things, I used to rely only on myself, but sometimes the indifference of people is astounding. No so with all, there are people similar to me in spirit and character with whom we understand each other well, but it’s business affairs mostly or superficially friendly. So here I am a loner so voluntary. Someone wants to get married and I am all surprised that I do not want, and I do not want, I am not bad. Isn’t it normal not to want to get married? Does everybody have to have this kind of feminine instinct to get married as soon as possible? I’m fine in terms of orientation, etc. D, but that’s what it’s all about. Do you think this is a temporary phenomenon, because once I was in a hurry to get married.

In the topic you asked about why everyone treats you badly, the problems, as I feel, and the questions, are much greater ((it would be good to work with this more closely, of course). And to the question of whether it is temporary, I answer, it all depends on you. Allow yourself to be happy, to be alive, open, and therefore, you will understand something about themselves and then, about the others. All will be well:) Well it is impossible to try to answer the question “why people are so cruel. We always start with ourselves. What’s going on in your inner world, how you build relationships with internal objects, so they are built and with the outside world. I mean, the outside is just a reflection of the inside. It’s a fact. Marriage is not marriage, but to be loved and to love is a basic need of a woman. If something is broken, you have to fix it and everything will work out. And then you can swing for the big one (our William Shakespeare):)

Yes, I am still far from Shakespeare of course, apparently, still need therapy. I really want love, and I do not want to get married and live together, it is necessary to remove this fear.

Karina32, well, here are the answers to your questions… I want love… But I’m afraid… Yes, I have to work. Come, if anything, I’m on Skype, we’ll figure it out!

Karina32, well, here are the answers to your questions… I want love… But I’m afraid… Yes, I have to work. Come, if anything, I’m on Skype, we’ll figure it out!

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