How to behave if a man doesn’t know if he wants a relationship.
During an argument, a man said he didn’t know if he wanted a relationship with me. We discussed it for about an hour, then he said he had to think on his own and we ended the conversation. I don’t know how I should act. It feels like I’m suspended between heaven and earth. (In a relationship of three years.)
First, second and third, we breathe. That is, focus not on thoughts, which – I can imagine what they are, but on breathing. We put our hand in the heart area and breathe – calmly, rhythmically. As soon as it starts to get stormy, we stop, put our hand on the heart, and breathe. Fourth, we find a secluded place and lose the most terrible ending. It’s over, we break up – separation, return of gifts, etc. Right down to the creepy part. We imagine it in detail. We cry as much as we want. Then breathe again. Then we breathe again. Fifth, do not force the events. Decided to think alone – let him think alone. When he thinks of something – say so. Your life is your life. And you can think about it on your own. About your life, not your life together with a man. Think about plans and dreams – yours personally. Maybe some of this can be done now, without waiting for the “verdict. Detach yourself – and do it. The state of suspension is from the fact that it seems as if nothing depends on you now. But you don’t. Your life depends on you. It doesn’t depend on the decision the man will make. No matter what he decides, you won’t stop being. You won’t stop being you. You won’t get worse or better. You won’t change at all. Your circumstances will change. And you can adapt to any circumstance. I really do. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. And breathe.
Lita, thank you. Breathing helps a lot, the first heaviness is gone. Unfortunately, my plans have always been a parallel line to the main one: another person in my life. I want to have a close loved one who decides to stay with me for life. Without this condition, I don’t feel happy enough. The most common thought is that I have done something wrong. But also the situation when he thinks… It’s not understandable. It’s hurtful. On the one hand, I think he has a right to be disappointed, to be confused, to want to think, and that I should understand him. But on the other hand, he just said he had to think on his own, he knows he’s hurting me, and here he is the second day thinking, and nothing happens, except that he throws pictures and phrases like “here I am cooking to eat,” “coming from the store, it’s cold.” a couple of times. There is no dialogue, I say “okay” or “good photo. And time goes on and on. And even if he calls and says he wants to keep going, what am I supposed to say to that? Can I allow myself to forgive him this pain?
Although I think I understand the nature of these messages from him. Feels guilty. It makes me dreadfully want to call and tell him to stop thinking alone, we need to think together.
I understand that you have a “rubbery” time right now. It stretches and stretches, as it always does when you’re waiting for something that doesn’t depend on you. Well, since there’s time, let’s talk strategically, shall we? It’s just that, what’s the one thing that sticks out?
How to behave if a man doesn’t know if he wants a relationship. – Psychologion: Unfortunately, my plans have always been a parallel line to the main one: the other person in my life. I want to have a close loved one who decides to stay with me for life. Without this condition, I don’t feel happy enough.
The most important person in your life is you. Spin that thought. If you don’t have you, then what’s everything else for? And a little distracted reasoning. “Close” and “beloved” are not always the same. What’s more, it’s a pretty rare combination, especially in the long run. Because as long as the chemistry of being in love, it seems to coincide. The mismatches come out later. And that’s when arguments and complaints begin. Mutual. People who are close, who love and are in love sometimes hurt each other too. It happens. How much does it hurt? Is it possible to forgive? What and how much to forgive or ignore? – This is something everyone decides for themselves. The fact that a close and loved one is a necessary condition for your happiness is, indeed, a problem. First, the situation when you realize that the other person has pushed you onto a pedestal and put you in charge of his (or her) happiness is terribly hard. Unbearable, practically. Or bearable for a very short time while the chemistry is – uh-huh. Second, no one from the outside can make us happy. If there are any external “conditions” for happiness inside us, we can’t be happy. And with love, that’s a real bummer. I mean – not love, but addiction comes out. Thirdly, it is the dependence that gives rise to pain and resentment now. Your happiness depends on him, on his decision – it’s terrible, of course. But the question of his own happiness, fortunately (excuse the tautology) solvable. Not very easy, but solvable. In fact, solvable right here – on Psychologion. You then, when you move away from the events – walk around, look around, read. You’ll see)
We all do something wrong. Often. Nobody’s an angel. And no one is a telepath. So if you want to do THAT, the easiest way is to communicate. With the mouth. In a calm voice. And if we want people to do THAT – the same thing. Saying. And, instead of making up stories that the partner “thinks this about me”, “did it because” – the surest way is to ask. Straight up. This is difficult at first. We want our loved ones to understand our needs and aspirations. But no… there are no telepaths. But then, when people have learned to talk quietly about their boundaries, acute angles, desires, etc.. – This is such a high … And this is a real intimacy, which is really a pity to lose. And about the phrases and pictures, you probably get it right, yes. It’s like a “connection test.” Sad. Agree, it would be better if he said straight out: I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m hard, I’m angry, let’s talk… Yes?
How to behave if a man doesn’t know if he wants a relationship. – Psychologion: And even if he calls and says he wants everything to continue, what am I supposed to say to that? Can I allow myself to forgive him this pain?
What do you want as a result? What’s the bottom line? If there is an understanding of what you want, there will be an understanding of whether you can forgive, whether you need to continue, and what to say. Right now I want the pain to stop. Pain doesn’t make you think constructively, it pulls you “into drama” all the time. It’s good to keep that in mind when making any decisions now. You know, it will get better with time. It will.
To the man who couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted to be with me or not
The man who plays games with my heart and dates me, afraid to take a step toward something more serious, and not even thinking to at least try to connect our lives into something new and beautiful, will very soon regret the fact that he could never decide if he really loves me. After all, I’m not going to wait forever for him to make up his mind.
I’m not a project or an experiment. I’m not someone you can go out with without much of a commitment if he’s not sure he wants a serious relationship. I’m a living person with my own emotions, aspirations and dreams. And I dream of a loving, stable relationship with someone who will love me, appreciate me, and always put me first in his life. Always. So if he’s not going to respect me and my emotions enough to decide within a reasonable time frame if he wants to be with me for real, and behave accordingly…well, I’m not going to waste my best years waiting for that.
I deserve someone who is sure of what he wants and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I can’t stand the lack of confidence in men, and I don’t want to deal with someone who has no way of knowing how he feels, because I’d be much more willing to invest my time in someone who can make my life better. And I, in return, will give it to him.
To pursue your goals and dreams, you have to understand what you want. I never start a personal or professional relationship if I’m not sure I can give it all the attention it might require. And it does help me get what I want a lot faster, since I don’t waste my time and/or energy on too many people or endeavors.
I don’t have a lot of really close people, because I want my relationships with them to be really great. I want them to always be able to rely on me. I want us to stay together no matter what I or they go through.
And if I decide to date someone and love them, I do it because I know from the beginning that that person is worthy of my time and effort. I appreciate him immeasurably from the beginning, and I give him all of myself, without the rest – anything less would be an insult to both of us. And as someone who holds nothing back from the one I love, I can say with full responsibility that there are no conditions or limitations attached to my love, that it is real, just as it should be.
Although, no, there is one condition… I expect nothing less from my “other half. I cannot put my heart in the hands of someone who does not appreciate it, and will not cherish it as his own. I cannot fill my love with someone who will not do the same in return.
Looking for an equal, honest relationship with a partner who understands what I want and will do everything possible and impossible to make me get it… And for whom I will do the same. I am looking for a man who is constantly striving to get to know me even a little better, and to make our relationship stronger and more harmonious.
But if you’re not sure you want to be as open and vulnerable with me as I am with you, if you don’t know if you’re ready to share your secrets with me… well, I can’t make you. And I don’t want to, to be honest, because that’s a decision you can only make on your own. I can only give you as much as you are willing to accept, and as soon as I realize that I get nothing in return… only you have seen me.
You see, a man who doesn’t know what he wants, a man who isn’t sure if he wants to be in a real relationship, will never be able to love me the way I deserve – with all his heart. There will always be rooms closed off from me in his soul, because subconsciously he won’t be sure that I am the one, the only one.
Don’t get me wrong – I am patient and understand that nothing in our lives happens instantly. I’m well aware that it takes time to strengthen and deepen personal relationships, that it’s impossible to really get to know each other in one moment. I know that only time spent together can show me if he is my soul mate. I completely understand. But… if my partner endlessly postpones and delays this incredibly important decision, the day will come when I will accept it for him and walk away.
After all, I have my own life, dreams I want to strive for, and people I can not only invest my time and energy in, but also get a return.
My time is not infinite, and I just can’t invest all of myself month after month and year after year in a relationship that likely leads nowhere.
I can’t afford to hope that one day my partner will wake up in the morning and slap himself on the forehead and yell: “Shit, I love her like no one else.” One of the reasons I’m really strong is that I know when to turn around and walk away from someone who doesn’t really want me. Even if it would really, really hurt me.
And it really hurts-I have no illusions here. Leaving someone you truly love always hurts, but I know I have to do it, for my own well-being.
Uncertain relationships that lead to nowhere only fill life with stress, which it already has more than enough of. And so that I don’t have to carry extra burdens and unnecessary commitments, I have learned over time to look critically at those who meet me and find themselves unable to open up to a relationship.
I just can’t set my hopes on someone who tramples them into the dirt with their indecision. I deserve clarity and certainty, and I’m not going to let myself sit on the neck of someone who wants to take full advantage of a relationship by waving off commitment. Sooner or later I walk away from someone who can’t make up his mind whether he wants me or not. I just deserve more.