Unrequited love for a girl: explore with us

Unrequited love. 11 reasons to consider it a positive experience

Suffering from unrequited love is perceived by most people as the worst, most difficult experience they have ever had. But in reality, feeling unrequited love can be considered a positive experience that helps us grow.

There is something exceptionally destructive about unrequited love for the loving heart. It cries out with hope for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. A frequent outcome of such a terrible experience is prolonged despair. But is unrequited love really so unbearable and destructive? Can it be considered an acceptable and even positive experience? Let’s try to find out.

Many things in this world hurt us. We go through a series of trials since birth. Love is only one of countless steps in our evolution. One day each of us will realize–every experience was worth it. The goal of any experience is to become a better person by virtue of a more accurate understanding of life.

If someone convinces you that life is not over, believe it. Everything passes at some point, including asymmetries of feeling. Make a major point-who will vouch for the fact that there is not true and reciprocal love waiting for you in the future?

Hope Comforting Love, 1901. Sidney Harold Metyard. Birmingham Museum.

How you can benefit from unrequited love

Read about the positive side of unrequited love and draw your own conclusions.

1- Unrequited love is a solid way to figure out exactly what you want. At some point, you begin to wonder why you are so persistently succumbing to a destructive addiction to someone who doesn’t care about you. What exactly is it that draws you to the person who doesn’t care about you? Physical attraction, even if very intense, cannot last forever; passion goes away. The main thing in a relationship is the understanding between the two people, as a result of which they merge in a harmonious dance. Try to analyze the relationship is completely detached. This will help to look at the whole situation soberly.

2. examine the concept of love as such. Love is not a bright and strong feeling, as many people think. It is a way of a long and reliable relationship, which should bring joy to both partners. But it needs to be learned. Leave the butterflies in your stomach and rainbow hopes to the kids in the garden. Get ready to rethink the pain. Love is a long journey in which things happen. Feelings bring both harm and delight. Loving someone is hard work. It is important not to run after one’s feelings like a dog after a cart, but to treat love as if it were a knowledge from on high. The main thing is to always be ready for that knowledge.

3. Familiarity with the concept of deviance. Knowledge leads to understanding. Persistently demanding love from someone who can’t give it – isn’t this a form of mental deviance? The partner doesn’t belong to you. He has his own life and his own understanding of right and wrong. It’s unlikely he wants to hurt you. The problem is that his heart is not experiencing the same thing as yours at this moment. If you get a good handle on this issue, the experience you gain will help you to deal with other likely deviations in the future.

4. Opportunity for self-improvement. You are not loved. What does this mean? The beginning of the road to change. You want your partner to like you very much. The process of improvement begins as a forced action, but not for yourself. The initial phase of change forces you to go through all the negative aspects of your character. It’s about the stimulus that can become the goal of your whole life. Now it is no longer a desire to please someone, but a way to become the best, based on your inner need.

5. Learning what makes a person truly happy. The only way to deal with destructive feelings is to do things that you don’t like, that your whole being resists. It’s not about eating ice cream or stalking the object of your affection on Facebook. Immerse yourself in your hobbies and go out with your best friends more often. Distract yourself from your obsessive state with concrete actions. Eventually, you will understand what things make a person really happy. It will be a revelation to you to realize that these things are self-evident.

6. Understanding that you yourself are already happy. After suffering for a while, you begin to realize that the world somehow manages to get along without the object of your sighing and still looks pretty happy. Suddenly you realize that there is no need for a person to improve your reality. Loneliness has another side – a state of peace, calm, understanding of the mechanism of happiness. In this case, it becomes a fruitful solitude. It is neither emotion nor action, but a profound experience of self. Can you imagine? You feel happiness and contentment with life. And not because of anyone else, but solely because of yourself.

7. Acquiring caution in relationships. Some people constantly step on the same rake – falling in love over and over again after every first date. An unrequited feeling is meant to be sobering. You acquire caution and restraint in the relationship. It is important for you to get a good look at the object of your affection before you give your heart to a particular person.

8. Improve relationships with other people. People who love you will always help you in times of need. They will give you the positive reinforcement that you miss from your partner. This is a chance to establish reliable and trusting relationships with parents, friends, colleagues at work.

9. Proof that you can love again. When a person falls in love, it seems like an event of world significance. It is hard to believe that similar feelings can be experienced for another person. In fact, it is quite possible because we ourselves, and of course our outlook, change over time. Where once it was vivid emotions of a sexual nature, now it is a mechanism of mutual understanding, respect, and enduring values.

10. Love from afar. Unrequited love can be your best friend. This is especially true if you don’t tell the object of your adoration that you love it. Are you able to love in this way? Yes, you will be. It is safe because it does not bring you unnecessary suffering and misunderstanding in the relationship.

11. Improved self-esteem and self-confidence. Have you learned that your love has stumbled into indifference? Well. Now you know the truth and can stand on your feet with confidence. Defeat in battle is quickly sobering and brings you back to a sense of self-confidence. You have no one else to rely on. Don’t you? You’re on your own again. Yes, you loved, you hoped, but you lost. But you survived! Now you’re ready for more.

Remember that your love for someone does not mean that this feeling will automatically come back to you. Don’t let it destroy your soul. Take advantage of unrequited love. Know that the best is ahead of you.

In the marketplace of love

According to evolutionary understandings of psychology, people are concerned with looking their best in the marketplace of love relationships. Various adaptive experiences lead a partner to value your “market value” about as much as his or her own. To fit into the “consumer basket,” you must meet some kind of accepted criteria for attractiveness.

An unattainable object of love is a feeling of humiliation and a blow to one’s own self-esteem. “I am unworthy. I have low buying power.” In most cases, the key demand for a partner is to get enough attention. At stake is the loss of what one wants, which often leads to feelings of guilt. One partner looks for excuses for his or her own “toughness,” the other is seduced by the excessive cost of love.

There is also often a serious disagreement between seller and buyer as to whether the provoked understanding of “trade” signals was mutual. There is a paranoid idealization of hidden impulses from the unsuspecting object of love. When it becomes clear that the love is not mutual, the victim cannot logically explain the nature of the repulse to his lofty feelings, because he was in a deep illusory notion of a future idyll.

Quotes from the classics about love

He who loves must share the fate of him whom he loves. “The Master and Margarita” by Mikhail Bulgakov

No man is more alien than the one you have loved in the past. Remarque’s “Arc de Triomphe.”

When you love someone, you love him, and if you can’t give him anything else, you give him love after all. George Orwell’s “1984.”

Respect was invented to hide the empty place where love should be. There is no more and no less in love. “Anna Karenina” by Leo Tolstoy.

Only deep feeling can push me to the wedding, so be me an old maid. “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen

Sometimes love is simply your ability to love, not the merit of the one you love. “The Magician” by John Fowles

The supreme happiness of life is the certainty that you are loved; loved for your own sake, or rather, loved in spite of you. “Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables

Both soul and body are equally involved in love; otherwise love is incomplete: we are neither spirits nor beasts. “An Ordinary Story” by Ivan Goncharov

A loving heart is worth more than all the wisdom in the world. “David Copperfield” by Charles Dickens

Love is okay for those who can handle mental overload. “Women” by Charles Bukowski.

Everyone you loved will either leave you or die. “Fight Club” by Chuck Palahniuk

Crazy are those women who let a secret love flare up in their hearts-a love that, if left unrequited and unknown, would inevitably burn up the life that nurtured it. And if discovered and answered, it will lure, like a wandering light, into a treacherous mire from which there is no return. “Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Bronte.

Just try to love a man and he kills you. Just feel you can’t live without someone, and he kills you. “Singing in the Blackthorn” by Colin McCullough.

Joseph Brodsky’s poems about unrequited love

Postscriptum

What a pity that what your existence has become for me has not become my existence for you. …Once again, on an old wasteland, I launch my coated copper penny into the wire space in a desperate attempt to magnify the moment of connection… Alas, he who cannot replace the whole world is usually left to spin the slapdash telephone dial like a table at a séance until the ghost echoes the last buzzer in the night.

How to survive unrequited love. Advice from a psychologist

For some, love is strength, happiness, reciprocity, support, closeness, for others it is weakness, illness, sleep, helplessness and so on. Each of us has our own idea, our own emotional coloring and our own experience of experiencing this feeling. We figure out what to do with unrequited love.

Olga Goryushkina, psychologist, specialist services Alter

Unrequited love – it is a romantic feeling, which, for one reason or another, does not find a visible response in the object to which it is directed. Sometimes the object may not be necessary – all of the most important experiences take place inside. In literary and musical works it often appears to us as something very bright: a muse, an inspiration, a love without boundaries, someone even calls it true, deep love, tenderly kept and guarded inside.

We begin to perceive unrequited love negatively when one day we experience pain, disappointment, longing, anger, regret, embarrassment and other unpleasant feelings together with it. As a rule, it is these experiences that become the point of reflection and transformation, it is this love that many books have been written about, and it is the one that people come to psychologists for counseling.

Now I suggest that you reflect on your personal definition of unrequited love: “Unrequited love is…”

Think about it and write down your thoughts on a piece of paper or in your phone notes. In what you have written, you can already see your story related to this feeling and your attitude toward it.

It is important to note that, psychologically speaking, unrequited love is just one of the feelings. It is singled out for discussion because it increases suicide risk, but in essence it is just like any other feeling, such as guilt or shame. If a person has the skill to experience difficult feelings, unrequited love is not difficult for them. Unpleasant, but manageable.

So, whatever your previous experience, notice your state of mind now that you have read that unrequited love is just a feeling. Did resistance arise in you? Or perhaps discomfort? Or sadness? Your reactions are how you cope and experience it.

What unrequited love is like

1. love for an unreachable object.

It could be feelings for a famous actor/actress, a popular star, a politician, someone you watch on social media and have never met in real life. Here you can think of teenage rooms with posters or carefully saved pictures of an idol in your phone in a separate folder. An important component of this kind of love is the inaccessibility of the object, and living one’s feelings only within oneself. In fact, we don’t even need a second one; what matters here is what unfolds and develops within us. Sometimes we get to know ourselves better through this experience. But here there is a risk of getting “hung up” in fantasies.

2. loving a real person who doesn’t know how you feel

In this case, it is important that the object of love is real. It may even be someone with whom you cross paths regularly (a new acquaintance, a colleague, or an old friend for whom you suddenly have romantic feelings). So why would someone choose to remain incognito and not talk about what’s inside? There may be many reasons: the person is already with someone in a couple or he is afraid of being rejected, or maybe he just does not know how to confess his feelings.

Love for the person to whom you have told about your feelings, but he or she did not reciprocate.

You had hopes for the development of the relationship, but they did not come true. The rejection of the other can feel like a rejection, a collapse of hopes, hopelessness, the feeling that you are not good enough. This is where the process of experiencing loss comes into play, which can take a considerable amount of time. It is important not to remain in the grip of the feelings that have seized you, and to find a way to get over the situation.

4. Loving the partner you broke up with

Although a breakup is often mutual and accompanied by negative feelings, time passes and you may find that you still love your former partner: you remember trips together, holidays, difficulties you overcame together, sex, words your partner said to you. Sometimes opening up and saying “I still love you” is difficult or impossible, and unrequited love remains inside you.

5. Loving your partner in a relationship where one loves and the other does not

Some authors call this version of love a love addiction, a dysfunctional relationship, but this type of unrequited love also exists, and the inner mental structure of a person can support it. Here we need to look for the answer to several questions:

  • what does this kind of love give the lover?
  • What holds him/her back when he/she sees that his/her feelings and actions do not resonate with the partner?
  • What makes the partner stay in a relationship in which he or she has no feelings?

All forms of unrequited love have in common: a desire to be with someone unavailable, and experiences that do not require a “second.” Often the person experiencing unrequited love himself and does not want to change anything, because despite the negative experiences, he also gets something important for himself from these feelings (for example, a feeling of fullness in everyday life or confirmation that I am good because a feeling like love lives in me, or feeding off of pleasant experiences from past situations that are understandable and the future is unknown). It turns out that internal processes play the leading role here, and the external situation is not so important.

What to do if you have experienced the feeling of unrequited love

There are various mechanisms by which we deal with this feeling.

A common option is to switch: load yourself up with work, find a new hobby, go on vacation urgently, start renovating the apartment, take up sports, download dating apps, and go on several dates a week to get involved with someone else.

There are two possibilities in the switch option:

1. A sensible balanced life that would complement the current situation of unrequited love. This option will allow you to remember the versatility of life, find sources of positive emotions, rejoice, dream, be passionate, realize other goals and meet your inner needs. There is room for different feelings in this option: both joy from what you have, and sadness or anger from unrequited love.

2. shutting down your feelings and overloading yourself completely, which will drown out the pain inside. This option is also possible when the level of experience is extreme. If you choose this option, it is worth remembering that you are creating double stress for yourself: the stress of unrequited love and the stress of stress. In the short term, it’s a great choice, but in the long term, your body will ask for a break from the stress.

In addition to switching, there is the option of withdrawing into oneself: constantly scrolling through what was, what could have been, reading literature, searching for answers to “why?” and “what can I do to get him (or her) to pay attention to me?” This way of coping with inner turmoil is not only characteristic of characters in literary works and teenagers; this behavior can be characteristic of anyone.

The most dangerous facet here is stopping at the point where the situation seems unsolvable; therefore, it is the one that can cause various forms of self-destructive behavior: drinking alcohol, refusing to eat, cutting yourself to relieve mental pain, or even attempting suicide.

If you have found yourself at this point, it is worth remembering that each of us has experienced the feeling of unrequited love at least once and everyone has felt that pain. Supporting your wounded part, caring for yourself, empathy, empathy is what will get you through this period in life and get you to the point where you will feel resources and be happy.

Imagine that your best friend calls you and tells you that he has fallen in love and his love is unrequited. You feel his worries and find kind words that allow him to believe in himself. What do you tell him? In what voice? What words would be important for him to hear at that moment in time? Those words that you would say to your best friend, address yourself, putting into them all the care, warmth, kindness and support that you have inside right now. You are the best friend for yourself.

Why is it that some people deal with this feeling quickly, while others may endure it for months or years

Here we need to turn to our experience of dealing with difficult emotions – we process stress the way we know how.

Possible sources of coping strategies:

  • Parental family (mom, dad, relatives with whom there is frequent contact);
  • significant adults (a favorite teacher at school or a coach at the sports club);
  • The environment (the company with which we communicate, neighbors with whom we cross in the yard or entranceway)
  • Own experiences (difficult stories from adolescence or crises in older life).

Our response strategies are chosen rules, beliefs, and assumptions that have worked in the past. Effectively or not so effectively, they allowed us to survive difficult moments in life and therefore stayed within us.

If you’ve seen an adult who has suffered for years from unrequited love, and you’ve watched him endure, hope, fantasize that one day his feelings will find an answer, then you already have the option inside of waiting for the object of love for a long time.

If you have seen an adult who denied his feelings for an object that was not reciprocated, and simply went off to work, then in our internal library of reactions there is an entry: in order not to suffer, you just have to work hard (especially since this option can also bring a “bonus” in the form of a career and recognition).

If you have seen an adult who has used suffering as an option to receive positive things from others: sympathy, support, attention, love, that is also an option that you might have learned. Yes, sometimes we shut down our emotional needs in indirect ways.

How to survive unrequited love

The first thing to remember is that getting over any feeling takes time and space.

Time is the length of time you will need to cope with difficult experiences. Time is individual and depends on many factors: the depth of your feelings, the intensity of your life, the amount of inner resources and supports, your self-support skills, and your understanding of what is happening to you.

Space is the way you allow yourself to experience all kinds and complex feelings, to be sad, angry, dreaming and so on. Any emotion is normal and can be lived out. You can even set aside time in your schedule for your unrequited love. All other time is worth devoting to other areas of life: family, friends, work, health, leisure, development, and so on. Unrequited love is just one event, but life itself is much bigger and more varied. We create the structure of our life ourselves, and it is in our power to create a few pillars that will serve as a source of resourceful emotions during difficult times.

When it is worth asking for help

The decision to get help should be prompted by the subjective feeling that you feel discomfort, that this discomfort has lasted for some time (days, weeks, months) and you have already tried something to change your condition, but no significant improvement has occurred. You are still worrying a lot, constantly replaying negative thoughts in your head, and over time you notice that your condition worsens (your sleep and appetite are disturbed, you feel apathetic most of the time, you communicate less with others, you do nothing, your life has become less interesting than before).

Your reflections on your condition are already a reason to see a psychologist. Help is not weakness, it is self-care.

It is possible that one or two consultations are enough to understand and normalize your condition. Or you will realize that more meetings will be necessary. Most importantly, you will have more information about what is happening to you now and why your condition is not improving.

Self-harming and self-destructive behavior are also “attention points” and topics for discussion. The use of mind-altering substances, behavior that harms the body (workaholism and inattention to one’s health also belong here), and suicidal thoughts are all signals for seeking professional help.

Someone who is worried about a loved one suffering from unrequited love can also seek help. Sometimes such counseling can be helpful to deal with your feelings about the situation or to think about a plan to help. Of course, this will be your plan of action for your loved one, and not every item may work in it, but you will have a clear understanding of what you are doing for him or her and why.

What to do if you have an unrequited crush.

Such situations also happen and they can cause us different experiences: feelings of guilt, embarrassment, discomfort, aggression, rage. In addition to feelings, there is also a question of action – how to act? Maybe we should change our point of view or try to help the person in love? Inner patterns can push you to do different things.

Whatever choices you make, remember that you have a right to your feelings. If you don’t feel sympathy or love, you can say no. Moreover, you have the right not to explain anything if you don’t want to or don’t have the inner resources to do so.

Unfortunately, our life is not perfect: sometimes we fall in love unrequitedly, sometimes we fall in love unrequitedly, and sometimes our feelings coincide.

Every time we are hurt, upset, in love or happy, our childhood emotional part comes on. In addition to that, there is an adult part of us that can support, comfort, or praise us. We have the inner resources to survive adult situations and not stay at the point where we are unhappy. And one important inner resource is the ability to ask for extra support and help from the outside.

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