Thoughts of a breakup

I can’t make sense of my feelings, I’m tormented by intrusive thoughts of breaking up. How to cope?

Worried constant intrusive thoughts of separation. Give way to thoughts that all is well. First relationship. Lasted 1 year. 6м. A year of living together. I can not figure out and understand what to do to make the thoughts go away, and all was well in the relationship. I want to be sure that I am not using a man, that my feelings are sincere. But I can not figure it out and understand. Constant tantrums and tired of it.

Any questions?
Ask a psychologist right now!

Ulya, good day. Meaningful I will be able to answer you tomorrow. Please read the terms of a free consultation and answer the questions.

1. You can apply as you please. It does not matter.

2. I want to understand my feelings. If I can do it, I want to save my relationship.

I expect to be able to sort myself out and become calmer at heart.

3. Option a) will do.

Ulya, good day. Relationships, especially when they are the first, are not easy, and many people worry and worry about relationships. But sometimes this doubt can be obsessive and take a lot of energy, exhausting, but not leading to any result. Do my words resonate with you? Do the thoughts of separation scare you? Do you have an experience of the intrusiveness of that doubt? How do you try to resolve your doubts? When are there fewer breakup thoughts? And when are there more? What helps you calm down?

Good night! Responding. I am afraid that we will break up, because I know in my head that nothing critical happened, and it is probably my emotionalism that is to blame. That’s why I always carry everything so vividly.

It seems to me that the thought of breaking up has settled in and always when it is not easy, or any other anxiety on any subject, the first thought is, “And whether everything is good in the relationship, to break up? But it’s still good. ‘ I don’t know how to resolve it, I usually start cleaning and listening to music and singing.

I don’t know at what point out of less, it just comes at some point in time the realization that everything is fine. And there’s nothing to worry about. And then it starts all over again.

More when I worry about any situation in life, in studies.

What exactly helps me I do not know. Probably the fact that I talk to rational people older than myself. Who ask me questions. Which, when I answer them, I come to the conclusion that everything is normal. And that’s just the bullshit. Because I have in my partner more of what suits me than what can displease or even irritate (very little of this) I just do not know how to forgive. A lot of resentments that stuck with me, although they are trifling for the most part. There are two that bother me and disturb me for a year (a year ago there was a grudge), but I apologized to me, I do not know how to let the situation go.

By the way it’s not just a partner, it’s with all the people I always resent and can not let go remembering everything to the smallest detail. And I want to go on living without old grudges and frozhnosti.

Good afternoon. If there are grudges.

There are two that bother me and disturb me for a year (a year ago there was a grudge), but I apologize to me, I do not know how to let the situation go.

You can try to work with them even in this free written consultation. Would you like to? Can you describe what the situations were, who was involved, what happened, why were you offended?

Good evening. I want to.

In fact, anything that doesn’t go according to the plan I have set in my head offends me.

But to put it in terms of situations.

A year ago my partner and I had our first summer. And he offered me to go to the camp counselor together (he really wanted to, because he likes working with children and he feels comfortable in this area “teacher by profession”), I immediately told him I did not want to. I explained that the end of July and August is a hot time. I already have problems with dizziness, periodic fainting. And in summer I feel bad from the heat. And I’ve never worked in this field, I don’t know what to expect. I told him this six months, or more precisely 9 months before the expected flow of the camp shift.

He asked me to think about it, because at first my answer was not clear. But after a month of talking about it, I definitely said I did not want to go. I just wanted to spend time together somewhere, plus at camp we won’t be able to be together normally. He was very persuaded to go, saying that he really wanted it badly. Because for the last 3 years he was working at construction sites and places he didn’t want to be. In the end, the director of the camp his friend and all of the administration, he knew and said he would go (sort of, I do not remember exactly how it came out that he promised he would) and so the end of May. He has a problem with his throat, we’re going to doctors because he has a concert coming up, he’s a soloist. It is time to go to the session. With a bit of a bummer the concert was over. He’s cured. Missed the July shift at camp. I went on a business trip to Dagestan (though I didn’t want him to either), as we lived with his parents in the village. And after each departure he had to come and plow at their house in the vegetable garden, all the hard work to do and that every day from morning to evening. When he came and they were constantly waking us up at 6-8 in the morning, respectively, about the contract somewhere to go forget, because they threw him all the new and new things to do long.

But in June not to lose time I decided myself to try to go to camp (that June was cool, half a shift was raining and was not hot).

I went, we worked with a girl for the first time, and we had an experienced educator who had to watch and explain everything to us. He ended up drinking. On the third day. And did not show up until the end of the camp shift. It was just the two of us. They swore at us all the time, saying we were doing everything wrong. But we didn’t know how to do it right. Naturally there were a lot of mistakes, since it was the first time for both of us. Both were unofficially settled. And the girl who was with me was also underage.

I naturally came back from camp with emotional tantrums and happiness that I was out of there.

The time comes when my parents asked me to follow the cats in mid-July (pregnant about to give birth) And they had to leave. It’s in the city and a great chance to avoid his parents. Spend time together. He promised that we would spend a week in Rostov and relax. In the end, his parents called. And I had to leave earlier (called a day at 2) left at 4, but I was terribly angry.

Comes a couple of days before the new shift. I asked not to go. But I was told that they promised and can not let him down. And then I got in my head * And why when you promise to me – you forget, or can not perform, And when someone else, let it be work, then you do, and how come you promised, if I refused from the very beginning *.

But still, we’re going there. And you know, if we were met normally, I wouldn’t mind working there.

I arrived before the guy, and he went to meet the kids, escorting them by bus to the place.

Everyone at the camp knew that I was his girlfriend and that we were coming together.

And when the administrator saw me (this woman knows Vanya from his childhood) she said to me for some reason, “Vanya has a problem with taste, all his girls are not good. I thought you wouldn’t come, you’d be in his way. You’re a burden. Let him work properly. He’s a good guy, I was hoping he’d be here on his own. And I just sat there and listened to it. I got hysterical about it on the first day. Even though Vanya told HER that he was coming with me.

And this woman separated us. Sent me to work with the kids (this group I do not particularly tolerate) I am comfortable with the children 11-17 years. And his to the category of 14 years.

And you know, she spoiled the whole shift. We were never able to have a normal time together, which is logical. I of course tried to have fun and help out. Because he ended up asking me to be transferred to his squad. I helped out. But every time I did. The other counselor got scolded. Plus I wasn’t put in charge of anything. It was horrible. Especially putting up with people older than myself. I didn’t think there were such people.

Of course, it’s not all my partner’s fault. I understand that he was oblivious because he was tired. That we weren’t together much at camp because he was working.

He actually cared about me. And he helped me at camp. Now a year later I wouldn’t mind going there myself. With a certain amount of preparation and buying equipment so it wouldn’t be so stuffy in the room.

But that’s one of the vivid memories where I was offended. I understand that he really wanted to. I understand that camp is great.

But my first impression is very bad. And the attitude of adult people from the administration (there were three people) is also bad. So much so that I would not wish it on anyone. But if you try to forget that in spite of my refusal we went. And these women from the administration. The work at the camp is very interesting. There’s a lot of perks and you gain experience. And I saw how my partner was happy to communicate with children, to dance, to put on dances, to rehearse songs with children. And that made me happy.

But at the same time there is a kind of resentment. The feeling that they did not put my words in anything. But in theory I was supposed to make concessions. Because he does a lot for me. It would have been a compromise. But there is a kind of resentment.

And after this situation, I started to have resentment, even to the fact that he was leaving for a regular job. Which is already like marasmus. And I would like to get rid of it, because he is a good man and we are good together.

I’m sorry there is so much text. I tried to write as much as possible, so that it was understandable. There resentment flowed out of resentment.

“What if I get dumped”: 7 steps to overcome the fear of a breakup.

“Is he bored with me?”, “Is she bored with me?” – these anxieties are familiar to everyone. Doubts are not always unfounded, but is there a point in harassing yourself if worrying will not eliminate the problem? Overcome unnecessary fears will help program seven steps, which recommends a cognitive psychologist.

“You started dating a loved one or already live together, but can not get rid of the thought that bore a partner and he will leave you? Constantly smoothing over conflicts, always trying to look all 100%, take on their account any change in his mood and even jealously study his friends, trying to find out which one he thinks sexy? Do you worry that he doesn’t share his experiences ‘too often’?” – questions cognitive psychologist Robert Leahy.

Perhaps you act differently: you demand assurances of love, you reproach your partner for forgetting you, and you blow up scandals yourself, ironically putting at risk the relationship you fear to lose. It is as if you are “testing” your partner over and over again, “If you really love me, then . “

Fear of being left behind can also cause you to hold on desperately to a failed or unnecessary union. In some cases, on the contrary, fear of breaking up can lead to reluctance to enter into a relationship: “If you don’t get attached to anyone, there’s no one to lose.”

Robert Leahy notes 10 inappropriate ways to combat the fear of breakup:

  • Look out for signs that a partner has lost interest or become infatuated with someone else.
  • Checking your partner for infidelity.
  • Getting fixated on looking and acting perfect.
  • To devalue “rivals.”
  • Never contradict your partner.
  • Giving up your own needs for him.
  • Choose to partner with someone who is less desirable and more “in need” of a relationship.
  • Provoke quarrels to break up the relationship.
  • Getting “insured” by having another relationship on the side.
  • Avoiding loss by deliberately choosing a “dead-end” relationship.

In fact, these factors increase the anxiety of being rejected. Therefore, a psychologist recommends dealing with anxiety with the help of a seven-step program.

1.Determine whether anxiety is productive

You assume that anxiety will help you spot the problem early, smooth over the sharp edges and prevent a breakup. But is the possible benefit of anxiety commensurate with its price – a constant feeling of jealousy, insecurity? Is there any evidence that your worries actually helped?

Usually jealousy and the search for proof leads to tumultuous relationship figuring out, which robs you of the last vestiges of confidence.

2.Accept the relationship for what it is.

Describe what is in front of you. Stop second-guessing thoughts and feelings for your partner. Describe his behavior as you observe it-without making any assumptions about his motives or thoughts: “He’s sitting and watching TV. He’s going to a soccer game with his friends.” Set aside interpretations and take the time to label him “selfish” or “he’s indifferent to me. Often anxiety is caused by beliefs about how your partner “has to act”: he “should” call more often, pay more compliments, pay more attention to the family.

Remove yourself from the situation. Imagine a stranger describing your partner’s actions without reference to you. This will help you understand that the partner exists separately from you, his behavior is not always “directed” at you, and you should be less engaged in the search for such confirmations.

Give up looking for affirmation. When we are too dependent in a relationship, we endlessly look for evidence of our partner’s love, interest in us. This kind of demanding sooner or later will begin to irritate any person. Assignment: try to go a week without asking your partner what he thinks of you and whether he finds you attractive. This can be difficult. But the less pressure you apply, the less your partner will need to show his or her independence.

Figure out the boundaries of your ignorance. You can’t know for sure if your relationship with your partner will ever end. And you will have to accept that. Practice repeating for twenty minutes each day, “I can’t know if he’ll leave me.” This helps to dampen the intrusive thoughts of separation, because such thoughts soon become tiresome.

Practice emotional images of independent living. Can’t stand the thought of being left on your own?

Assignment. Make a plan for an “after Him” life. Make a list of goals you would accomplish if you lived alone: see your friends more often, exercise, start a new project, go dancing, travel, walk in the park, eat out. Then look at your schedule – do you enjoy spending most of your life waiting for the phone to ring?

3.Challenge anxious thoughts.

Identify where you go to extremes when thinking about breaking up. Here are examples of cognitive distortions:

  • Thought-reading: “He’s angry, so he’s going to leave me.”
  • Attribution: “He works hard, it’s a sign that he’s bored with me.”
  • Making a big deal out of nothing: “How will I be without him? I will not be able to live.
  • Labeling: “I’m acting like a complete idiot in this relationship.
  • Depreciating a good thing: “Nothing I do matters.
  • Overgeneralizing: “We argue forever, so we’ll break up soon.

Do you have any evidence to support these ideas? For example, your partner has been angry before, but you are still together. He used to work hard and take work home with him, but he hasn’t gone anywhere. Is he not giving you as much attention as you ask for? But doesn’t your constant need for signs of attention from your husband say more about your insecurities than about an inevitable breakup?

The most common misconceptions are.

“I need to know what he’s thinking.”

Your need to know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling leads you to constantly try to read his mind, looking for “clues” in every expression or intonation. Accepting that people have thoughts and feelings that you don’t know or will never know will allow you to breathe easier. Tell yourself more often:

  1. I never know what other people are thinking and feeling;
  2. Most of the time it’s irrelevant;
  3. I can concentrate on my business, with or without this person.

By shifting your attention from the uncertainty of other people’s thoughts to controlling your own actions, you will become less sensitive to your partner’s moods, whatever they turn out to be.

“I can’t stand conflict.”

You think conflict is terrible and can get out of hand, so you either don’t express your opinion or you give in. As a result, you don’t assert your needs, allowing resentments and frustrations to run rampant-sometimes to the point where you explode for a trivial reason.

Can you rank conflicts on a scale from mild to moderate to serious? Are there reliable ways to express differences of opinion without escalating conflict to a serious level? If simply stating your needs always leads to serious conflict, maybe you should reconsider the relationship. Conflicts are inevitable, especially between people close to you, but it’s the way you resolve them that determines whether or not things go well.

John Gottman, an expert on family relationships, has found that certain behaviors in conflict portend divorce. These include creating obstacles (retracting one’s words, avoiding conversation), insults, labeling and threatening to leave one’s partner. Effective ways to resolve conflict include what psychologists call “collaborative problem solving.”

  1. Declare the problem to be “our problem.”
  2. Acknowledge your role in the problem;
  3. Asking your partner for help with “our problem.”
  4. Coming up with possible solutions;
  5. Evaluate solutions together;
  6. Make a plan to implement solutions.

Use this “collaborative problem-solving” approach instead of avoiding conflicts entirely or escalating them.

4.Focus on the most serious danger

You are afraid that breaking up a relationship will “reveal your true nature,” show everyone that you are a failure and unworthy of love. You’re afraid you’ll never find another partner and you can’t be happy on your own.

How do you disprove these beliefs? Think about what you were like before you met. Think of previous relationships with men and friends, colleagues. Look through childhood and adolescent photos. Recall events that will remind you: you were quite happy and able to cope with life.

Try to imagine what you could do if the relationship ended: new romances, a career, self-development, more frequent encounters with friends.

Challenge your negative beliefs. Study the stories of single people you know – are they poor and suffering from their inferiority? Calculate your income in the present and future, and assess your support group. You’ll see that the consequences of divorce are not as catastrophic, and you’ll worry less about the possibility of being abandoned.

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