Divorce through the eyes of a man
Divorce through the eyes of a man. Millions of years men and women have lived together, in the same society, but they still see the world differently. In different ways they treat divorce, the destruction of their family. In this case, it should be noted that divorce in its modern form has existed in Russia for no more than fifty years, so men’s traditions and psychological attitudes in this area cannot yet be considered fully formed. Nevertheless, to a large extent they have already taken shape. Let us look at divorce through the eyes of men.
Men as well as women perceive divorce through the prism of thirteen circumstances. Let us name them all, then characterize them in more detail. So:
Thirteen factors of comprehending divorce through the eyes of a man:
- The presence or absence of a new relationship partner. It is clear that if a man already has a new woman and a new love addiction (another temporary cloud of consciousness), then he endures the divorce more easily than if he had remained personally alone.
- The nature of the relationship with the current partner with whom the person is separating. If, at the time of filing for divorce, the relationship in the family is generally not bad, the man is sadder than if, at that moment, they were throwing plates at him, scratching his face, or throwing his things off the balcony.
- The number of children in the marriage and their age. It is clear that the more children in the marriage and the younger they are, the more the man feels guilty. The fewer the children and the older they are, the less a man worries.
- Children’s attitudes toward the process of their parents’ divorce. If children are eager to save their mom and dad’s marriage and actively ask them not to separate, this cannot leave anyone indifferent. If children are silent, or openly happy to part with their father (especially if he drinks, beats the children and mom, yells, slackers, etc.), a man’s excitement about the parting is significantly less.
- Own age. Realizing that men’s marital attractiveness remains very high up to the age of 45, men 23 – 45 years old, going through the divorce process, are quite optimistic about their own future. Men over the age of 45 will already think three times whether or not to go through with their divorce…
- State of health. It is clear that the better the health of the man, the more confident he is. If a man has any severe chronic diseases or disabilities, the extent of his worries about the loss of a familiar mode of life and environment, can be quite great.
- Availability of a place to live in the future. Being in a state of preparation for divorce, a responsible man almost always understands that the apartment must remain with the woman and his children (if the couple has children). Accordingly, if he has an alternative place to live – another apartment, a share house, his parents’ comfortable apartment, service housing, etc., the man’s moral state is much better than if he would have to hang around with friends, rent an expensive place or go to another woman’s apartment after the divorce.
- Income level. A man whose career and income levels are uphill is always looking for the best, so the prospect or process of divorce scares him a lot less than a man whose income was barely enough to live on at least subsistence level. Accordingly, a man with a high income is less likely to feel the burden of alimony and is more likely to provide substantial financial assistance to his children, even without a court order.
- Past experience of divorce or separation. This is where the situation is quite interesting. Men who have not yet gone through a divorce, are more confident in themselves, that they will survive without suffering more than those who have already gone through the process of divorce once (and with children), and knows firsthand what mental suffering, mental devastation and insomnia. On the other hand, men who have been through two divorces are often not afraid of anything, which in practice leads to new marriages and divorces.
- The attitude of one’s own parents and/or friends toward the divorce. If the opinion of parents or friends is important to the man, and all of them were and are warm to the departing or already past wife, it should be understood that the man will be put under serious moral pressure, which is unlikely to be comfortable for him.
- The amount of pleasant or unpleasant memories of the ending marriage. If most of the existence of this marriage between the spouses is associated with mental, domestic, material and intimate comfort, then the experience of divorce will be noticeably greater. If the discomfort in the couple before the divorce has lasted many years, the joy of being free of a problematic partner will outweigh the sadness of separation.
- Own intimate activity . It has been observed that intensely active people experience divorce more emotionally, but also … more quickly. They quickly enter into a new relationship, the freshness and novelty of which quickly brings them to a normal state (or close to normal). Intimidatingly passive people experience a little less vividly, but for a longer period. Because, their state of loneliness can last months and years. And their loyalty to a past partner has nothing to do with it: everything is determined by their innate temperament.
- The general deterioration or improvement of their life in general, after a divorce. A person’s mindset always lags a little behind the events of life. Therefore, the real assessment of the divorce begins to produce a man only two to three months, or even a year after the divorce. And here’s the most important thing: If within about a year after the divorce, a man noticed a marked improvement in his life in the living, mental, intimate comfort, his financial situation is not deteriorating, the new partner will not hinder his communication with the children and be ready to bear children together, the man will survive the divorce, without repenting for what he did. If within about a year after the divorce the man notices the obvious deterioration of his life in domestic, mental, intimate comfort, his financial situation worsens, his new partner will interfere with his communication with children, will not want to have children together, such a man is likely to experience hard feelings, repent of what he has done and … try to restore relations with his ex-wife.
In general, the degree of a man’s experience of divorce will depend on the totality of all of the above 13 factors. The less the divorce worsened a man’s life, the easier it will be for him to go through it all. The more worsened it is, the more painful it will be for him. Now for the main point. Really,
When a man divorces his spouse who gave birth to his children,
the man always loses more than the woman.
Only he doesn’t always realize it in time.
After all, the most important thing a man always loses in a divorce is not an apartment and a car, but the gleam of happiness in the eyes of his own child. Alas: In this sense, men are always a bit slow-witted. Unlike women, who can calculate the consequences of a divorce with a high degree of probability, men are very bad at it. As a result, there is a psychological imbalance in male and female behavior. A woman suffers from divorce even before it happens, but after two or three months she gathers her will in a fist and begins to move on. The man lives in the illusion of freedom during the divorce, and after a while begins to suffer mentally. And when a man at the peak of his suffering comes to his ex-wife “to confess”, having suffered and cried out all his tears, most often she no longer accepts him. As a result, many men, who were the initiators of divorce, rushing back and forth, eventually ending up in the hospital with strokes and heart attacks, or drunk.
Basically, it can be summed up as follows: the man’s entire experience and his fate after a divorce depends not on himself and not even on his ex-wife, but on the behavior and sanity of his new woman. If she turns out to be on top, in contrast, his past marriage, even in general not bad, will be evaluated with a “minus” sign. And there will be less suffering from divorce. If she turns out to be a shortsighted and greedy “saw”, in contrast, his past marriage, even a mismanaged one, will seem like the best years of his life. That’s how men are. That’s how dependent they are on women. After all, when a man leaves a woman, he goes to a woman anyway. And a woman, leaving a man, can stay with her children. Either for a start, or – forever. Divorce through a man’s eyes-dependence on one woman changes to dependence on another woman.
I hope that after reading this article “Divorce Through the Eyes of Men” – men will think hard. And women – too…
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A divorced man: what is important for a woman to know?
It so happens that in today’s culture, divorce has become not just something acceptable, but also quite commonplace. We will not talk about whether it is bad or good, but we will consider a quite applied question: “What should women do with all this?”
There are very few men who have lived to be 30, 40, 50… and have never been married. Hence the simple conclusion: if a man is free now, it is likely that he is divorced (sometimes more than once).
As a result, women have almost no choice, and often have to communicate and build relationships with divorced men.
The structure of men’s neural pathways is already a mystery for most women, and when it comes to a man after divorce, everything becomes even more unclear.
– How to behave properly with a divorced man? – How to understand his external (behavioral) contradictions? – How do his experiences affect our relationship? – How to get him out of a state of withdrawal and fear? – How to open his heart to a new relationship?
All of these questions and many others are of concern to a woman who is dealing with a divorced man and wants to build a serious relationship with him.
My goal in this article is to give some guidelines to help you find answers to the questions above. To do this, let’s look at some features of the male psyche.
A man tries to quickly “dive” into a new relationship to numb the pain
One of the common behaviors of a man after a divorce is to try to start a new relationship as soon as possible to numb the heartache.
It may seem strange, but often he is ready to rush in any direction, where he will be offered even a little love and care.
This can be considered consumerism, or it can be seen as a desperate attempt to get some energy into his life, because most likely the “tap” of energy from his ex-wife was shut off long ago.
In this case, the woman should be aware that she can only be a temporary patch on the man’s heart.
You do not want to believe it, but the reality of this does not change. Just because a man met you, keeps in touch, and even says that he wants children, does not mean that you will escape the fate of the “patch.
Often men after a divorce are in a state of “emotional numbness” and in order to get some love and care from a woman may say things to her that they would not say under other circumstances.
So it is important for a woman to remember that many men at this time are simply not responsible for their words. The pain of loss is still too great. The disappointment is too much, and he can’t act on the “man said, man done” principle.
Divorced men often feel the need for sex without building a deep relationship with a woman .
Some men are quite aware of this and honestly tell the new woman that they are not yet ready for anything serious.
They feel they don’t yet have enough strength to give and will only be consumers.
A normal man suffers a lot if he doesn’t feel able to bring joy and happiness to a woman and so he can be honest with her as if to warn her, “Watch out! Right now in a relationship I tend to take more than I give and so I won’t be able to give you what you expect” .
This is an honest approach, but not all men are able to act this way.
Divorce severely destabilizes the male psyche, and his feelings for the new woman are usually temporary. They usually only last until he returns to normal.
This explains the increased attraction to caring, soulful women who tend to sacrifice as much as possible for his needs.
In a difficult period of his life a man unconsciously feels maximum attraction to such women, because he feels that they can quickly and effectively “revive” him, patch up his heart wounds.
But, alas, after the man has recovered his spirits a little, he can easily leave the woman in spite of everything she has done for him.
For the woman in this case, it is important to understand that the main reason for the breakup is not so much in herself, but rather in the fact that the man entered the relationship with the wrong motivation from the beginning, amid his disappointment and mental trauma.
A man needs to take time out
A sensible man who wants to clean up after a divorce should intentionally shield himself from a serious relationship.
Of course, it’s not that he should sleep with different women, take advantage of them, and at the same time be reassuring, like, “You and I are serious. ” . No. It’s a double play.
A divorced man should explicitly tell a woman that he’s not ready to go beyond a sexual relationship at this time.
At that point it’s up to the woman to decide whether she wants to continue that relationship, or to say something like, “Okay, then I think we should stop communicating for now and get back to him in a couple or three months. Thank you for being honest with me, I really appreciate it.”
Again, not everyone does such a noble thing, so a woman needs to remember that it’s good for a man to take a pause in the relationship so he doesn’t inadvertently mess with a woman’s head.
An interesting fact is that often a man does not allow a woman to reveal his feelings when she tries very hard to get him out of his “post-divorce stupor.”
Why does he behave this way? Generally, he doesn’t want to feel obligated to her if she helps him .
The logic is very simple. Man reasoning so: “Now she said herself: since I helped you – then let’s marry me! I did so much for you!”
But a man is not ready now – he is “under the impression”, so he does not want to provoke a woman’s above-mentioned train of thought.
The next important thing for a man after a divorce is to abstain from promiscuous sex with different women.
Through sex he may be trying to rise in his own eyes, but excessive enthusiasm for this issue will prevent him from making sense of himself and his experiences, leading to feelings of devastation.
Moreover, mindless frequent sex is a typical form of repressing his true feelings and emotions, an attempt to avoid heartache.
For a woman this means the following. She needs to remember this peculiarity of the male psyche and understand that a man’s strong desire for sex with her may indicate that he just wants to get rid of his emotional tension and feel better, at least for a while.
The more dependent a man was on the woman he broke up with, the higher his emotional strain will be after his divorce, and the more pause he will need in the relationship.
By temporarily putting the relationship aside, he will be able to analyze his feelings and emotions to find strength for a new life.
A man needs to feel strong and independent
One of the common reactions to divorce in men is a feeling like, “I’m a failure. I did not cope with the difficulties of family life, I could not make my wife happy” .
This is all the more true when you consider that the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.
An important consequence of this is the fact that as long as the man feels weak and dependent on the love of the woman with whom he split up, he will not be able to take responsibility for the new woman.
If he hasn’t been able to “separate” himself from his ex-wife, he won’t be able to offer any meaning to the new woman he’s started dating.
The love of the woman he met is now incapable of helping him recover from his divorce. No matter how hard she tries to mend his emotional wounds, she can’t.
She will only be able to meet his need for warmth and care, but the processing of his feelings and emotions will still fall directly on the man.
As I said before, this is a very dangerous path, and I don’t recommend that women become a girlfriend for a man to cry to. This will work against her because the man will not be able to see her as a possible partner in a family relationship.
One of the keys to a man’s transformation is that he gains a sense of control over his life and the strength to invest the best that is available to him in his new woman.
As long as a man is in a state of “neediness,” he has little or no ability to give. And if a man can’t give, he won’t be able to care for a woman without looking back, without making a claim on her, without demanding anything from her in return.
After all, when you yourself have nothing, you can’t give your “nothing,” but it’s a nice thing to “siphon off” from others.
A man cannot take care of a new woman, as long as he has claims against the previous woman.
A man must forgive his previous woman (spouse) if she hurt him. This will allow him to free himself from the guilt he may feel over the destruction of the family.
As long as the man lives in anger, resentment, or guilt, he will not be able to create a new lasting relationship.
The prerequisite here will be the ability, if not with love, at least with warmth to remember the former spouse, regardless of how their relationship ended and what the history of their interaction was.
Understandably, this is not the most pleasant news, but it is true. Until a man completely releases his negative feelings about his former spouse and the dissolved marriage, he cannot build anything serious with a new woman.
If the past relationship is not worked through, he will do any of the following:
– Show creepy indecision; – Seek an ideal; – Try to remake the woman to create an ideal.
A good indicator that a man has recovered from a past relationship is a desire and active attempt to bring joy to a woman, to make her happier .
In other words, a man is “playing to his strengths.” What does this mean?
It means that he behaves nobly, gallantly, enthusiastically, openly, honestly and without material and mental miserliness.
And this is where the favorable period comes in. Once the woman sees that a man acts with full dedication, nothing “huddles”, not begrudgingly and not begging for her attention and care – then he coped with his pain, made the right conclusions and ready to move on. Maybe together with her.