No longer together: how to reduce the pain of separation
“We broke up”… When it comes to friends, we are ready to give a thousand pieces of advice, but when it comes to ourselves, it turns out that coping with the experience is not so easy. How to go through the breakup period with the least losses? Explains the conflictologist.
The fact that the pain of separation can be not only moral but also physical is not a myth. It is explained simply: during the relationship in our brain formed neural connections that begin to “break.
People often describe their feelings about this traumatic process as follows: unbearable pain, which seems impossible to stop, pierces the entire body. Some begin to suffocate and experience panic attacks, others experience a spike in blood pressure or an attack of infernal headache, which moves to the eyes and is accompanied by a feeling of “tearing blood vessels.
There are no pills for these symptoms – they can only be cured from within. Here are a few ways to help you through the hard times.
Take a new look at the situation.
You need to “reframe” – that is, put the old picture into a new frame.
You can reason in the following way:
When we were born, no one promised us that we would meet someone who loved and loved us. However, we have met one, which means that we are already lucky in this matter.
No one has guaranteed us that this relationship will last forever. Moreover, the whole world testifies that there is no such thing as stability. Everything changes-grows, withers and grows again.
So I suggest that instead of looking for an answer to the question, “Why did it end?” think about how wonderful it was in your life. I know people who have never had reciprocity in their lives. Can you imagine? Never! They live with those who love them, but they love someone else. They live their lives without knowing the miracle of mutual love. But you have had it, and that’s wonderful.
To know that there is nothing wrong with you.
“What did I do wrong?” – is the basic question of those going through a relationship breakup. The answer is simple and short: “Everything is wrong.” It’s just that each of us may run out of internal resources – both you and your partner. Or you may just start to develop in parallel planes.
Don’t blame yourself for the end of the relationship. Ends in this world absolutely everything – the good weather, the summer, even the stars in the universe – and they go out. Let alone love. If your story is over, you have to accept it. It means that it has run out of resources. It happens that way too.
Get rid of illusions.
Our brain is designed so that constantly makes predictions. And regarding the development of relationships – including. Often we long for the future, which were deprived with the departure of a loved one. But is there something to grieve about? After all, an ideal future does not exist, because in the fantasy of it we always imagine a partner better than he really is. We attribute to it the properties that we would like to see. We make up a beautiful picture, and we believe in it ourselves. It is these illusions that we mourn the most at the moment of separation. The sooner we realize this, the sooner the tears dry up.
Fulfill the Needs
Usually the partner closes several important needs at once, so in the first days after the breakup you need to make sure that someone or something can close these needs. At least in part.
When we lose our hugs, we lose oxytocin, the hormone responsible for feeling good. So after a breakup, continue to hug: with friends, colleagues, neighbors. If there are no such people around, pets such as dogs or cats can help.
Touching is another important need, which in the most acute period can be closed with a massage or any other body practice.
Also, we all want to be seen and heard. When we are in a relationship, we often tell our partner about what happened during the day, about the stupid decisions of the boss or what a downpour we got in on the way home. Left alone with himself, it is important to be seen and heard, and be sure to find those with whom you can share your feelings and emotions: if not with friends, then with a psychologist or subscribers on social networks.
The desire to be needed can be compensated by caring for the weak and disadvantaged, volunteer work or leadership.
The need for messages in instant messengers and interest in your affairs can be closed by correspondence with friends or with a psychologist in the form of a text consultation.
Writing a letter
My favorite practice that reduces pain is writing about the happiest moments of a relationship. Describe what you remember, and especially what was most precious to you.
I recommend doing this exercise in a quiet environment, setting aside two to three hours for it before going to bed. It is important that no one distracts you and that no one can read this letter.
Concentrate on the brightest, most joyful moments of your relationship. Describe them. The way you see them, down to the smells and tactile sensations. As you write, think about how lucky you are to have had this relationship in your life. Many people die without knowing this happiness, and you have had it. Try from this state to thank the world and yourself for allowing this to happen. You loved and were loved. Take that state with you into your future, and it will make you richer and happier.
The Pain of Breakups.
Breakups are a part of our lives, people break up for a variety of reasons. One of the hardest experiences is breaking up with loved ones. Sometimes even the strongest and strong-willed people cannot bear it and do not know how to forget the person you love.
Breaking up a relationship is like a betrayal.
After all, until recently there was a feeling that this person is around forever, and life was imagined only with him. At moments like this, it seems like it’s a temporary breakdown, it will pass and everything will get better. Maybe this is a temporary pause, not a breakup. But how to understand: is this the end of a relationship or a necessary pause in order to realize that it is simply impossible to live without each other. How not to make a mistake? After all, it is at moments like this that the feeling of resentment, misunderstanding, a huge amount of mental pain overwhelms. At such moments you want to disappear, to hide from everything that is happening, to forget as a bad dream. You want to get rid of the anger and pain as soon as possible, and replace the pain with something or someone. But in my head there are doubts: what if it is just a misunderstanding, and everything will be fine? After all, there was a stormy, crazy love … And what if in the rush of emotions you make a mistake and then you will regret it all your life?
Be reasonable, do not make decisions in a fit of emotion, but also do not indulge in unnecessary illusions, judiciously assess the situation. After all, the wrong decision may entail new problems. If you already understand that the old relations cannot be returned, and you are determined to get rid of the past, then do it to the end.
How to get over the pain of the breakup
It always hurts a lot when remembering a loved one. Try not to go back to those memories when your loved one or loved one was around. Your mind will constantly bring you back to the past, it is not ready to accept what has happened. Your mind in such situations becomes a monster, tormenting you again and again, returning you to the past, tormenting you with doubts, filling you with resentment, blinding you with anger. So do not provoke the mind, get rid of everything that reminds you of the person. Remove his photos, delete his phone number, messages, hide away his gifts.
Time always heals, and in a few months you will look at things differently. Any souvenir can be a bright memory of a pleasant moment that once was. But it’s up to you to decide whether to get rid of everything for good or just put it away in a distant drawer.
How to cope with the pain of a breakup
Allow yourself to cry. No need to hide your tears: through tears comes out the heartache. Do not be ashamed of it, you are in pain, and you have a right to it. Let yourself feel with all your strength, let all the pain that fills you come out with your tears. But try to do it alone with yourself or work with a specialist, because any sympathetic friend, girlfriend, resonating with you will increase that pain, not decrease it. You need to be with someone, of course, but try not to sow your pain, the “harvest” will come back to you later. Try not to allow yourself to call or write an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend in this state. Allow yourself to cry from the heart, for a day or two, maybe a week, but in no case let this state become your everyday, for many months.
You have cried, you’ve been through enough, stop it!
After all, there is a reason for everything. If the breakup was your fault, realize what you were wrong, and do not repeat it in the future. If the break up happened through your partner’s fault and he does not want to see, to realize his mistakes, this means that he is not ready for a serious relationship or his character, his ego do not suit you.
The next few days you need to spend under the motto: “I pull myself together. Control yourself! Every experience in life makes a person stronger. You’ve already given yourself time to worry, and now it’s time to pull yourself together and realize that you’re a strong and wonderful person! Of course, more than once you will feel a lump in your throat, but remember: when you break up, you lose your relationship with the person, but not yourself, you have you. So all is not lost, although at such moments it seems that you have lost yourself. The time will come, and someone worthy of you will appear in your life.
There is nothing in life that will be with you for life, except yourself. All things, people come in due time and will someday leave your life. Accept this. You have to try not to let the desire (to be together at all costs) take over you if it is no longer possible.
Sports burn away emotional pain
Physical activity helps get rid of emotional pain and anxiety. There are three main sources of energy in man: the soul, the physical body, and the mind. Each of them produces and uses a certain kind of energy, but when one of them weakens for some reason, our body can take some of the energy from the other source. But it also happens that one of the sources goes astray. There is an overabundance of energy of some kind. In such cases, you can redistribute the excess energy (a strong emotion is also energy). If you’re not familiar with techniques for managing your energy flows, you can use a simpler method. Burn energy in a commonly available way, i.e., physical activity.
Keep in mind that the body uses its energy first, and when you have already selected the energy that is stored in the body for instant expenditure, only then will your body start looking for all available sources of energy. This usually starts to happen after about 30 to 40 minutes of active exercise. If you are not a trained athlete, by that time you will begin to tire. Emotional energy will begin to burn off when your body is tired and it seems that your muscles can no longer work – this is when what you started it for happens. And the longer you load your body, the easier it will be for you emotionally. One time is enough for some, but for others it will take a week or two to load yourself. It all depends on how strong your brain is and how much emotional energy it has developed.
There are other techniques and ways of dealing with emotional pain. There are a lot of working techniques on the internet, you can choose any of them for yourself.
- Technique to work with your own energy – “How to get rid of resentment.”
- Technique – “Tell it like it is.
- Technique – “Write a letter.
- Breathing from the “heartache.
- TPP technique – a technique of emotional freedom.
Our ego gives birth to emotional pain.
The human ego creates certain conditions in which our mind begins to generate emotional energies. It is these energies that hurt us, or rather, they themselves are emotional pain. They arise because of the dissonance of reality with the desires of our ego. You should also know that when the ego provokes, for example, resentment, the mind begins to generate the emotion of resentment. At this moment, the soul and body begin to resonate, resentments of the past are awakened, and usually everyone has resentments in the past, so they begin to resonate, intensifying the experience.
In order to avoid pain, we need to harmonize our ego with our life, or learn to control our mind. Don’t let it generate what we don’t want to experience. To one degree or another, both can be used for ourselves. We just have to figure out how, and learn how to do it.
But for now, the mind keeps bringing you back to memories of your loved one over and over again. Any thing, word, event, or even song can throw your mind into memories and experiences. In situations like this, it’s important to learn how to keep the mind calm, and re-educating the ego is the next step in the work.
Energetic connections with the person
People, when they come into contact with each other, activate energy connections. And the denser, more emotionally vivid, and longer the contact, the stronger these bonds are. For example, energy connections through the chakras are used in charms. Such connections, as well as ego connections, provoke the mind to generate experiences. Anyone (whether psychic or not) feels such connections, just not everyone is aware of them. You may be aware of the mental pain that these connections bring, but not be aware of the connection itself, not see it.
Many people can cope with their minds if they know how to deal with them properly. But with the energy connections it is more difficult, here you need the intervention of an empath or a parapsychologist.
Energy connections after a breakup work in two ways
- First. They energetically and emotionally drain both of those in the bond.
- The second. They act like a narcotic substance that affects the will of the person. In practice, the energetic connection is very similar to the presence of a person nearby, as if the person you are trying to forget is always near you, in the same room, although he may be at this time anywhere, even in another city. Such connections often provoke the mind to new emotions, and this can go on indefinitely. Trying to get rid of them without knowing how to do it can only make them worse.
Probably many would agree that any work should be done by a professional who knows what to do and how to do it. Energetic connections can be neutralized by a person who sees, feels them, is an empath (a psychic capable of feeling feelings, emotions of people and working with them), a parapsychologist. By removing such connections, we exclude another source of provocation for the mind, we remove the uncontrolled dependence on the person. Everyone can do the rest, if they wish.
Of course, emotional distress can be of varying degrees of severity and neglect, and sometimes a person exhausts himself so much that he is no longer able to do something on his own, to look for and select techniques for himself. In such cases, it is better to contact specialists. A parapsychologist can choose for you a suitable technique, to remove the accumulated negative, to restore and harmonize your field, without using magic. Don’t bring yourself to total exhaustion, the longer you drag it out, the harder and longer the recovery process.