The initiative of a woman in a relationship with a man
Author: Jeanne Mulishina Practical psychologist consultant on problematic family relationships, personal dissatisfaction, etc.
The initiative of women in a relationship with a man – is it necessary? What makes the lady to take everything into her own hands. Men’s attitude towards women’s activity. How to show their sympathy and when you can not do this.
Reasons for a man’s passivity
There are representatives of the fair sex who do not wonder about how their activity will be perceived by the chosen “object”. They just act. However, most women are still focused on gender stereotypes, one of which states that the initiative in the relationship is the prerogative of the man.
He is the protector, the breadwinner, the conqueror. He chooses, achieves and reserves the right to decide how long the relationship will last. However, if a woman is in a hurry to live, whether men do not want to change the familiar pattern of his life, but decisive action on the part of the latter sometimes have to wait a long time. And the reasons for this may be many.
The most common reasons for lack of initiative in a relationship men:
Shyness . Indecisiveness, insecurity – one of the highest barriers to a man on his way to a woman he likes. These feelings literally paralyze him, especially near the object of passion.
Peculiarities of men’s attitudes towards female initiative
All men are different. Therefore, the initiative of women in the relationship is perceived by them differently. They can even be divided into several types.
The main types of men in relation to the initiative from a woman:
Business man . He has everything scheduled for several months ahead, the cases – no problem, and the head is busy with business plans, projects, problems and meetings. Therefore, the tactics of the “work” with him need to choose the appropriate – direct and clear. Decided to make a move first – make an appointment with the exact time and exact address. Coquetry and other women’s “tricks” in this case has little chance – he just may not notice.
How to properly show feminine initiative
If your man does not have any of the above “contraindications” to the relationship, you can proceed to more specific actions. But first, decide for yourself with three things. First: Do you really need your chosen one. Second: What will you do with it, if you all work out. Third: Your actions in case of rejection. And only after this you can define the tactics and look for the most effective way to take the initiative in a relationship with the chosen object of attention.
The preparatory stage
If being active in a relationship with the opposite sex – it’s not really your path, sit down and conduct a thorough self-diagnosis on this subject. Categorical internal rejection of the idea should be a good reason for you to choose another tactic to attract attention. Even if you have no experience at all, but you have the enthusiasm, the desire to get the man of your dreams and a little confidence that he will reciprocate, start preparing for action.
To make your initiative as natural and easy as possible, practice on other members of the stronger sex. Meet men in public places (transport, stores, cafes, cinemas, offices, organizations, etc.). The reason for acquaintance can be a request for help, advice, consultation or a simple conversation on free topics.
Your goal is to learn to tell your interlocutor freely and at ease that he or she is sympathetic and pleasant to you. And also calmly and easily accept any reaction from him. Once you feel ready to easily express their sympathy for any young man, and just as easily survive any response, you can safely proceed to action on your chosen one.
Initiative in relation to a stranger
If you are wondering whether to take the initiative in a relationship with a man you do not know, but really liked, there is no simple answer to this question. Just like the same men.
Someone will be very pleased by attention from a stranger (or unfamiliar) woman, and someone may react ambiguously to attempts to establish contact. So it is better to start with a reconnaissance – how he will react to the most transparent hints of sympathy.
To do this, at first just hold your gaze on him a little more than usual. If no inadequate consequences followed by this, the next time you meet him, give him a little smile, because he is almost your acquaintance. Much easier to act if you often cross paths with your object of attention (at work, in the yard, in an educational institution, in the gym, in transportation, etc.).
“Flattery” to each other, it will not be difficult to go from smiling to greeting and one day say “Hello” to him. Just like that, in passing. Or ask for help – any help, even the most insignificant. And do not forget to show reciprocal sympathy, if the man “bites”.
Actively in relation to the familiar man
The fact that you know each other, on the one hand, makes the task easier, but on the other – more complicated. After all, he has not yet shown increased interest in you. This nuance requires sensitivity in behavior, so as not to blame himself for what he did and not to hide his eyes in case of denial.
The beginning of your actions is standard – easy flirting, which aims to make your acquaintance aware that you find him pleasant, interesting and sympathetic. Flirt as carefully and unobtrusively as possible.
Your main weapon – hints, game, jokes, mystery (in moderation) and charm. No pressure and zealous attacks. If your future suitor is included in your game, it means that you also care about him and did everything right. Now you can gradually put the initiative into his hands.
If all your attempts to get his attention does not touch or, in fact, make him avoid you, leave the “groom” alone. He is not the last and not the only one. So do not waste your precious energy in vain.
Return of the interest of a former lover
The object of activity on the part of a woman does not have to be a man who, for whatever reason, does not take the initiative to her. Quite often, after some thought (or circumstance), we want to attract the attention of our ex or a man whose advances have gone unanswered. If the breakup or attempt to start a relationship went smoothly and in a civilized manner, the chances of attracting the attention of such a man are quite high.
To begin with, you need to get in touch with him in any way and under any pretext. It can be congratulations on a holiday, lyrical reminiscences about the old times of relations or friendship, a request for help, etc. That is, it is necessary to remind of yourself and to think of a reason to meet.
After establishing contact, communication can be “seasoned” with little hints and signs of attention, which would show him that between you there is more than friendship.
However, you should also proceed with caution, especially if the perpetrator of the failed “love-story” was you. Man may remember everything and look closely at your behavior and emotions. Your task is to prove to him that from your side everything is sincere and honest. And do it delicately, gradually.
Important: Remember a very important rule of female initiative – do not be intrusive. So if you dared to ask a man out first, all subsequent meetings have to invite him.
Taboo for female initiative
There are cases where the first steps to a man is not just uncomfortable, and impractical or even unseemly.
Cases when the initiative in a relationship with a man is better to abandon:
The object is already busy . If your chosen one already has a serious relationship or family (especially with children), do not try to build your happiness on someone else’s misfortune. It’s been checked for centuries: nothing good will come of it. Absolute taboo if his wife or girlfriend is in an interesting situation.
Important! Do not forget that you are a woman. Sensitive, worthy of respect and a good attitude. So include intuition and reason at the same time, they are sure to prompt the right choice.
Watch this video about female initiative:
Women’s initiative in relationships is largely the result of our fast-paced times, when the modern woman decides to take over this sphere of life as well. And there are quite a few examples where such pressure brings beneficial results in the form of lasting relationships. Similarly, there are many examples of failure. So every girl should choose their own position in a relationship with a particular man.
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The initiative in the relationship: explain carefully
It is impossible not to agree with the fact that most women dream of a man who actively takes the initiative in a relationship. Should we expect it from a man?
Women constantly expect active action in love relationships from men, relying on their determination, while taking a passive position. This is the biggest mistake of the beautiful half of humanity.
For completely inexplicable reasons we have fixed in the subconscious image of a strong man, resolute in his actions and able to overcome all the difficulties encountered in life to get a woman’s heart.
A woman always hopes that a man will immediately take the initiative, will shower her with compliments, expensive gifts and do everything just to open the door to her heart. Most of us expect this kind of behavior from men, while taking a passive position, believing that only the male half should show their feelings and love. That’s right, you have to protect your feelings. But how to encourage a man to take decisive action?
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The psychology of relationships
If you’re having a hard time – it means that you’re going in the right direction. Your inner world.
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Before the relationship
The relationship and connection between a man and a woman are formed long before the beginning of their life together, before the wedding ring and two children, even at the stage of acquaintance. And in this respect to show personal initiative does not mean to hang on every man you meet, to appoint date after date and immediately after the restaurant to go to him. The thing is that girls are brought up on the idea of a Prince Charming, who appears in life when fate dictates. But what if fate does not command, and already want a prince? The fact that we create our own destiny, no matter how loud it sounds. And if you sit and wait by the sea, there is a risk that it will never come. With regard to the first acquaintance, there are also several opinions.
For example, that a man may think that the girl who came up to the object of his affection first, easily accessible. Or that a man will immediately lose interest in the bold girl, because he is a hunter and must conquer the heart of his choice. And to get acquainted does not mean to win. You can go up to a nice man in a bar, the first to write in dating app, charming smile on the subway – in short, anything you want to soul. This piques a man’s interest and desire to get to know you further, and gives him a real opportunity to continue communicating with a girl. After all, not only women can be shy and afraid to get rejected! Perhaps this is the man to whom you first came up at the party, before that half an hour puzzled over what phrase to start a dialogue with you.
With the manifestation of initiative should work only one rule: for everything there is a measure. If the man does not make reciprocal steps on your first, do not continue “courting”. Just think how you would react to the guy’s attempts to make you talk if you refused from the very beginning. Likewise, do not attack the man: if he’s not interested in communicating, you need to accept this fact and channel your energy elsewhere.
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2. An imbalance
To provide, to earn and to solve – men’s tasks. If in a relationship your initiative takes over them, it will end badly.
No, you can write it off to his “rough patch.” Settle him in his apartment, make money for two and decide everything yourself. But be prepared for the fact that very soon you will become a “man in a skirt.
To be proactive – is to encourage a man to action, but do not do for him. A woman needs to express her desire, softly and in a feminine way. Then the man himself will want to fulfill it.
A normal man would leave such a relationship or “break” under her oppression. He will take a comfortable position, relax and stop feeling like a man.
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In a relationship
In order not to harm the relationship, the initiative should be appropriate and moderate. Do not engage in “custody”, making all the decisions for a man or deal with all of his problems on their own. In a relationship partner needs space for action, so he could show his masculine qualities. For women in a relationship is particularly characterized by an implicit model of initiative. That is, if you want to achieve some action from the man, you may not say it directly, but to act figuratively. As a result, it turns out that the man himself goes to the goal, and the woman only helps him. Of course, this is more like manipulation, but the manifestation of open initiative may be perceived by him as an attempt to undermine his authority in the relationship. Any man wants to take care of his woman and make her feel like a stone wall. And to do this, the woman herself needs to be willing to accept this role for him.
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There is a category of men who do not hide the fact that enterprising girls are their type. She met him, she proposed to go on a date, she organized everything herself.
Do not you think that independence is too much?
Do not forget that there are men who like to shift the responsibility and initiative on the shoulders of women. And to be independent of other people’s opinions, and preferably financially independent too.
Alphonse, mama’s boy, henchmen, beggars – that’s who the woman draws into her life, taking over the male function.
Such an initiative – categorically NO, if you want to see a normal strong decent man near you.
These are the main of the situations in which your initiative will turn against you.
Now it’s time to talk about how to take the initiative and not to overdo it obsessively.
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How to win a man?
Certainly, we women dream that our love is as beautiful as in a fairy tale? But agree, Cinderella in the fairy tale had all the female character traits that would make any man’s head spin – kindness, patience, mental purity. But it is not so important among us and now a lot of these women, but somehow princes do not get all. What is the reason for this injustice?
It’s simple, Cinderella had only one clearly defined goal – to get to the ball. She was sure of her desire, and only thanks to this she managed to get into the palace.
It is extremely important for every woman to figure out her desires and figure out what she really wants. If she doesn’t, her life will be like a lost ship that is off course and can’t find its way across the raging ocean. Only a clear understanding of her goals will lead a woman to her desired result.
But there is one more point to note. Dancing with Cinderella, the prince was struck not by her outward appearance, but by the atmosphere of love, tenderness, and mutual understanding. The prince felt that he was admired. This was what struck him. Surprisingly, the feeling of admiration does not require any action, it comes from the heart and soul. You don’t have to conform to a man and try to satisfy his desires. It is enough for him to feel that he is the best and special. After all, when Cinderella disappeared, the prince did not hesitate to rush out in search of her in order to regain his unique sense of HIMself.
In another fairy tale, before the youngest son rushed out to find his beloved, the Frog Princess, he first saw not only her beauty, but also what she was capable of. Although these days it is not difficult to find good hostesses and handymen, for some reason not everyone is given to attract men. The Princess gave him more than that, she managed to make him look good in front of people. The Frog Princess, thanks to her magical power, not only showed her concern for him, but she also admired him.
We all remember how the younger son was afraid that his choice might not be the best among his brothers. After all, he was already used to being a loser, and the Princess gave him hope. Only through her could he feel his superiority over his brothers and rise in his father’s eyes. He always felt weak and disadvantaged, but here he was able to get rid of his complexes and feel pride. He could not help but go in search of his beloved! She gave him a sense of his importance, which he could only maintain in her presence.
So before you demand an initiative from the man, sort yourself out and try to understand, but do you want this man? If you really love and admire your chosen one, then give him the opportunity to feel it. But the feeling should be transient, and you should also be in a similar state.
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Getting to know each other first?
If you read my articles and watch my videos, you probably know my opinion.
So I advise my students to do so – to go first to a man and say: “Hello. I liked you. I’d be happy to talk to you.
Better yet, standing across the street, with a smile, wave goodbye to the man you like. And watch his reaction.
This is one of the instructional practices in my author’s online course, The Way of the Woman. Try it out and write about the results in the comments. I’m very interested to know what you get out of it.
Remember, men are very quick to recognize non-verbal cues. And only your shining smile can already tell that you are happy, open to new acquaintances and interested in him.
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Light the first flame of your love!
A man will not feel passion for a woman if she herself does not ignite it. If you want to treat you every day like it was on the first day of acquaintance, then awaken these feelings in your heart to begin with. Be the first to light the flame of your love! After all, feelings are contagious, and if you have a burning sense of desire, the man will not be able to stay indifferent to him.
Women believe in vain that it is men who should be the initiators of relationships. And they expect that a fairy-tale prince will come who will awaken her feelings and light the fire of love. Of course, life is quite unpredictable thing, and anything can happen. But still worth remembering that before the flame is lit in a man’s heart, he should at least for a moment to feel like God, next to his beloved. A man is attracted not by a woman’s wisdom and beauty, but by his inner feelings of himself next to her! And for the sake of it men are willing to do anything! And he feels like a man only with a confident and wise woman.
With love, Irina Gavrilova Dempsey!
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When we talk about initiative in intimate relationships, we at least mean a woman’s ability to express her sexual desires and actively participate in sex as a process. In general, sex without initiative is more like a routine, because where there is no initiative, there is no novelty! Do you want, for example, rough sex? Or oral sex in the cinema? Or something completely crazy and sexy? Feel free to tell your partner about it. Men say that those women who are not afraid to take the reins in sex, they like it especially much. But do not try to seize the initiative, a man also need to give room for their desires, otherwise you could easily find yourself in a situation where you ask yourself: “But whether he wants me? Much better if the initiative in sex is expressed in surprises, which can sometimes arrange to diversify sex, or unusual ideas that you can throw your lover. Then the sex will not get bored, and neither partner will pull the blanket over himself. By the way, women’s initiative in sex not only excites men, but also plays into the hands of women! Thanks to her you can express your desires, directing your partner in such a way that he caresses you the way you want, and this is a guaranteed way to success.
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Likes, smiles, and compliments
Like his picture first, or write him a message with a compliment. Softly, womanly, unobtrusive and subtle.
It doesn’t matter where you meet him online or in a restaurant. Men are also afraid of rejection.
There is no desire to get acquainted with a girl whose face says, “Immediately NO!” And your inner state is always reflected in the background, even in the photo.
Such girls like to be won over by pickup artists and professional “wooers” to tick off the list.
I don’t see any problem with a girl getting to know a man first. The main thing is not to go overboard. A woman should convey tenderness, gentleness, femininity and openness to communication. The rest the man will do himself.
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Do not delay.
If you see that a man isn’t too interested, doesn’t want to be with you – okay. Just accept that fact. Channel your energy in a different direction.
In this case, all your attempts to get his attention will be perceived as intrusive and cause a negative. Do you need it?
You can’t want more than a man wants.
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Have you reached a conclusion?
Working on a relationship and communicating with a man is like riding a bicycle: you pedal in the right direction, you will ride.
In order not to hurt the relationship, the initiative has to be appropriate and moderate. So you’ll leave a man the opportunity to show their masculine qualities.
You don’t have to patronize him like a mommy, provide for him, make decisions for him, take it on impudently. If a man likes that, he is not in the mood for a serious and harmonious relationship.
The best thing a man does is what he really wants to do. And the right initiative motivates him to make you happy in your relationship.
With faith in you, Yaroslav Samoilov.
Free online course
“Man: an honest instruction manual.”
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