Why a man goes back to an “ex” after a breakup
My occupation keeps me up to date and learning something new. I like to learn and grow.
Expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For 8 years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples regain love and understanding.
Many women complain that their man had returned to his ex, or are steadily visiting her. What is it, and whether it can somehow discourage such adventures? To find out for sure, you need to understand why a man returns after a breakup to the one with whom, it would seem, all the dots over “I” have already been settled.
Who dumped whom?
A guy will rarely want to go back to the one he himself, on his own initiative decided to leave. If he every now and then visits her, or even they began to meet again, perhaps the girl was the initiator of the separation.
The man just did not stop loving her, thinking about her, even in moments spent with his new girlfriend. And as soon as the ex lured him to her, he immediately went.
How do such stories usually end? In most cases, nothing good. The woman will again hold her beau close to her, until she gets bored with him again. And, perhaps, this time he will go back to the one from which he had just recently left. Why not? Don’t look for another girl when the previous one is ready to accept!
There are common children.
Why does a man come back after a breakup to the wife he left? If they have common children, there is nothing strange about it. Even though he loves his new girlfriend madly, left his former spouse because feelings have long cooled down, he will continue to communicate with his child.
The children will ask their father every time to stay, and, at one point, he will give in to them, and return to the family nest.
How do such stories end? If a man left his spouse because he met another woman, the family will likely become even stronger. Be that as it may, to his wife, he may also have warm feelings, and common children will only strengthen them. If the husband left because of the constant scandals with his beloved, then one day his children will not be able to keep him. Returned once, he will again fall under the gun of his wife, and this again and again will bother him.
There are some girls who can bring even a dead man back from the grave with their tears. They begin to put pressure on the guy morally. They can talk about how they can’t live without him, they’d rather die, to flood the phone, social networks, relatives of the ex-boyfriend, even his best friends with tears.
Few men can resist a woman’s grief, and even the strongest begin to feel like moral monsters, who were so bad to the once beloved lady. And this feeling of guilt becomes the reason for returning to the arms of the unloved one, to her joy, to himself for a bad mood.
Such stories usually do not end well. The guy will suffer next to someone he’s not interested in, but he’s afraid she might do something to herself. At some point, the woman herself will realize that you can’t build a strong family relationship on pity alone. No matter how bad it was after the separation, you need to be able to survive it, to preserve your self-esteem, and to realize that you deserve the best, the one who will love you for real.
One hundred years of loneliness.
A couple broke up, the guy had already managed to go out with another girl, but something did not go well in the relationship. He was alone for a while, and then decided to visit his ex-girlfriend. Why does a man return after a breakup to a girl he broke up with long ago? Perhaps he began to stress the state of loneliness, and he wants a serious relationship.
And in such situations there is a high probability that the case will end with a wedding and a happy family future for the couple. During the separation he realized that there is no better woman to whom he decided to return, and that she alone is ready to put up with all of his “snafus.
Everything is a comparison.
It happens that the guy left his girlfriend because of her shortcomings. But why a man returns after parting again to her, he once understood that he can not put up with any of her character traits? Yes, everything is simple. Many of these guys after leaving his girlfriends meet someone with whom everything is much worse, and everything that was before, it seems to be not so terrible.
For example, in the first girl irritated the man her desire for cleanliness, she forced him to lay out things neatly, to wash up after her dishes. And now he meets someone for whom cleanliness – not the main thing. It seems to be with her and easy, but it all stops at the moment when the kitchen will meet a horde of cockroaches, or traces of lipstick on the “clean” glass. It is better to vacuum twice a day than to live in unsanitary conditions!
Will the reunion end well? Probably not. The guy will still run from one to the other until he meets the “golden mean.
Or maybe he just loves her.
There are relationships where you can’t have each other, but you can’t have everything without each other. Here is a couple once again quarreling, deciding to break off the relationship. He finds a girl with whom he is calm, but at one point she discovers the absence of his things in the closet. Why does a man return after a breakup to the one with whom he is like on a volcano? He just loves her, and very much.
How long will their relationship last? That’s hard to say. If they don’t compromise and keep fighting, they’ll break up for good.
If the guy left you for an ex-girlfriend or wife, there’s no need to keep him, to try to win him back. At some point he may return, but think about it, do you need it?
Tips psychologists, how to get a man, signs of feelings after a breakup or how to understand that he still needs you
Hello, dear readers! Love relationships are complicated and unpredictable, depending on feelings, experiences, external factors. According to statistics, more than half of the couples break up at different times. Cool you can be in a couple of months of passionate romance, after 10 years, it would seem, a successful marriage. But the same statistics promises that in half of the cases the man rushes back to the ex. Let’s try to understand on the blog bursin.ru, why favorite go, how to understand whether a man will return after the parting, whether to let back? In this will help the basics of male psychology, an analysis of their own and his actions during their life together and during the breakup.
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He will not come back.
To begin with, we would like to focus on the signs that do not ambiguously make it clear that the partner is from that very unreturnable half. After all, it is better to stop indulging in illusions at once, waiting for something that is not destined to happen. So here is a list for those whose point of no return has already been passed:
- Breaking contact. Ignoring messages, missed calls, negative responses, and rebuffs are the closest companions to soon appearing on the “black list.” Intrusiveness, attempts to see each other, will only make the situation worse, finally humiliate in the eyes of the ex.
- Refusal to help. If even the slightest request in response is ignored or outright irritation, then his past does not matter in his life.
- The presence of a new fling. A man can leave because of a woman, or he can meet her right after the breakup. This does not affect the point, if he has found a replacement, he does not belong with you.
- Disappearing from life. Months go by, he’s stopped communicating with mutual friends? It means he wants to shut himself off from the past by all means and certainly isn’t considering going back. This is also evidenced by the return of gifts, taking away all things in the first few days.
- Coldness and detachment. If before the breakup and during the last conversation he was calm, saying that you are wonderful, you deserve more, then he wanted to get rid of as soon as possible, without wasting unnecessary energy.
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Reasons for the breakup
Not always the root cause of the rift is the lack of feelings. There are a lot of reasons to break up, even with a strong love. Although the chances that he will return after a quarrel are greater, if the man loves, is ready to endure a lot, just to be near. He once the couple has separated, it is possible to draw conclusions and subsequently correct mistakes, if only for the sake of not carrying them over into a new relationship. This can include the mania to wear ragged clothes at home, not washing your face before dinner, to expose all the bad features of the loved one. Unwillingness to put their partner’s feelings above their own, the desire to cause jealousy.
Separation is also possible because of the presence of a third person. A wife can cheat on her husband to prove his independence; a husband can chase after a random beautiful woman. This error, indicating the inferiority of personality, the inability to seek happiness beside. Many later regret very much about the betrayal. And sometimes sincere remorse can be forgiven. Do not give a chance only avowed catcher, manipulator, ready to come to the ex-girlfriend to belittle, humiliate for a particular purpose. But after achieving it, they will leave again to seek thrills on the side.
The psychology of men.
For those who were not alerted by the first list, as well as those who did not see their ex in it, let’s dig deeper. According to studies of 6 thousand people, psychologists found out that the breakup shook the woman more, and even if she initiated it. But that doesn’t mean men don’t grieve. They are no less upset, just usually deep in themselves. But it all depends on the psychotype of the former partner:
- Leader. By nature, alpha males with high self-esteem, demands for life. They usually leave first, even with strong feelings do not bend their pride for love. In a word, they do not come back.
- Sensual. Romanticists suffer on an equal footing with their beloved. They need the support of relatives and friends, actively post worries in social networks. Even after leaving can send messages, like photos. Such a man, if he left, it is likely after a conflict or hurtful words, so he will return himself and with flowers.
- Infantile. The type of men who will ask for forgiveness, beat the rapids, openly suffer, even if they themselves provoked the breakup.
- Analyst. Such a partner can take a significant pause, honorably survive all 5 stages of a breakup, and then already decide, maybe it wasn’t so bad. There is a possibility of an announcement years later.
This division affects only behavioral characteristics. If a man is sincerely, deeply in love, he will not be stopped by pride, obstacles, or time, he will come back. No matter it will be a gesture of indulgence or an apology on his knees, the main thing will be a desire to return, repenting for what he has done. Sometimes it’s worth letting a man go in thought to get him to come back. Exes feel that the paramour instead of depression continues to live, and are torn back.
But the above division does not apply to married men, rushing from mistress to wife. Thus, having broken up with his mistress, the cheater cannot openly show his worries, lest his wife suspect wrongdoing. So he locks his emotions inside, indulges in memories alone, idealizing the image. But in the end he recovers in family and comfort. And when he leaves his wife for his mistress, he thinks about his former family, children, the comfort created over the years. Sometimes after the cessation of passion, a man goes back to his family and loved ones.
6 signs of wanting to return.
No matter how cold he may be from the outside, emotions rage inside a loving man when he breaks up. He feels discomfort, a mixture of fear of loneliness and longing, and sizzling jealousy. It should not be forgotten that a deep awareness of loss, its importance is realized only after the separation. True, this understanding comes very quickly and obviously not through the bed with the other girls.
There are many signs that give hope that after a while (which, however, is calculated individually), a man may return:
- Maintaining contact. Calls once a week, messages on empty topics, “casual” meetings in common territory say that forgetting is not in his plans. He’s gone, but he’s not ready to let go. This can also include calls to report happy events, problems in his life. He feels he has no one closer. So you don’t have to resort to fortune-telling, he’ll soon ask for his life back.
- Jealousy. Unless, of course, the connection was with a fierce possessor and tyrant, which is important that the former pining, suffering. If a man follows the page in social networks, asking mutual friends about the events in your life, it means that feelings are above separations.
- Clarifying relationships. It happens that his analytical abilities are only revealed in him when we discuss the problem together. Then he will call you, write to you to break down in detail how it is that you are not together.
- Refusal to take things out. If he left, leaving not only the TV, but also his socks, it means he will be back soon.
- Looking for an excuse to make amends. Begging for forgiveness may not be expressed in words. Flowers, a look, a statement of his mistake to mutual friends, say that he realized he was wrong.
- Misery. Maybe not explicitly shown, but in the behavior you can notice withdrawal, depression, signs of depression. Recognize the pretense is easy enough for people who have been together for a long time. If such behavior is not peculiar to the guy, then he is sincerely suffering because of the breakup.
Signs are quite trivial, but sometimes they are not visible behind a veil of resentment and anger. If the return is desirable for both of them, it is not unreasonable to remind the ability to forgive. Sometimes a renewed bond is even stronger and more reliable.
Behavioral scenarios to get your loved one back
Choosing the right tactics depends on the reasons for the breakup, so it is worth pushing back. Even a hunch that the ex will return can deceive, if by all means provoke proceedings, insist on continuing communication or, conversely, look unapproachable.
Left for another.
Infidelity loved one is perceived as a strong blow to the self-esteem. The main thing here is to keep your own face, not to stoop to revenge, surveillance. A man will return only after feeling that the lost love was better, more reliable. This requires time, decent behavior. It is better to break up on a friendly note, to express how painful, sad to lose him, but to show that no one is holding him back. Understand, men only want the one who loves himself. So instead of suffering, take care of yourself, development, figuring out the mistakes. Do not call, do not write, do not look for meetings. Time will pass, he himself will show up. The main thing is not to show how suffering, and do not jump into the arms of other men.
Eaten by life.
The tough definition describes all the symptoms of a housewife. If you dressed up, did your nails, only leaving the home, the man will miss the one he fell in love with. Likewise, it is not uncommon to be restricted, deprived of the opportunity to do your favorite hobby, make you leave, take a break for freedom. Reconsider your attitude toward household chores. Maybe you should save up for household appliances to pass on some of the chores to her, pass the kids to grandmas more often, or take them to baby club on the weekends. An exhausted wife, as cruel as it sounds, scares away even a loving husband. Love yourself, take care of yourself.
The opposite of pregnant women and housewives, career-minded woman. If you are at home thinking about work, talking only about fulfillment of the plan, on weekends working at home, your partner will seek tenderness, care on the side or among friends. Love has to come from both, you can’t be married at work. You have to decide what is more important, personal happiness or high office. Usually these two things are incompatible.
Another factor that destroys marriage. You can not deny sex or other threats, to knock out the implementation of desires. Men immediately recognize the one who only wants money or connections. This kind of union cannot last very long. There must be dialogue and trust in the alliance. Maybe you should look for an equal partner and not someone you can push around. Usually, after a breakup, men return to those who give them warmth and love, when they feel their importance. Become someone who is willing to give them these feelings.
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Tips from psychologists
If you can not visit a specialist, you can get universal useful tips from reputable psychologists who will help with the emotions to cope and apathy do not drown:
- There is no need to throw tantrums, clarify relationships and other “heart-to-heart” conversations while your chest is bursting with resentment. You need to learn to control your emotions, at least in society and in communication with him. Give yourself time to sob alone, get angry, scream, throw out the pain. When you feel ready to talk, start trying to make contact.
- Analyze yourself. Just do not get hung up on appearances. If a man loves you, he’ll like your extra weight, and a tendency to wear the same jeans for all occasions. Look deeper in the mirror, assess your behavior, attitude towards yourself and him. Maybe you should increase your education, read books, study new things, find a hobby, so you don’t get hung up on one person.
- Do not try to speed up the return of your loved one. In experiencing a breakup, there are 5 standard steps, they pass all and the former partner including. And here the speed depends on the inner readiness to survive the breakup.
- Do not feel sorry for yourself, do not cause pity in others. To be haggard, battered means to be lonely. Only the strong, independent attract and keep men. From those who know themselves, value their time and hobbies, no one leaves, but on the contrary, beats out the attention.
- Don’t settle for a continuation of only a sexual relationship. It’s not uncommon for exes to offer to renew feelings through occasional sex. But communication will not move any further from the dead point. He will only stop by for intimacy.
- When resuming a relationship, start with a clean slate. Do not carry old quarrels into a newly rebuilt life. Open talk can not be avoided, but it must be left all the offense, and sincerely, that in the subsequent quarrels they did not surface.
- Do not talk about how you suffered. Do not tell me how it hurt, lonely. Do not indulge his ego, to destroy the constructed image. Stay proud of yourself, of the fact that you have returned love. Be real, but confident, self-sufficient.
The bottom line .
After breaking up with the man you love, life does not end, you should not spend twenty-four hours thinking about how to get him back, how to understand his motives, whether it is worth waiting for his return. Accept the breakup as it is, give time to process emotions, do not hold back tears. With any outcome, you need to be able to keep yourself, the confidence that the future is sure to be beautiful. Immediately realize that the loved one left because he was not worthy to be around, it is impossible, it takes time. So give it to yourself, go through the pain of denial of loss, angry, analyze the past, once again cry and be reborn in a new, free form. And if it asks you to come back, first weigh whether you need the man who’s floundering and, if so, forget everything that came before and build a new, strong, happy union.
Share your stories in the comments. Let’s discuss, should you forgive cheating? Should you give a second chance to someone who has left one?