Wife after divorce immediately found another: what to do and what mistakes to avoid
We tell you what to do if your ex has found someone else.
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It’s over between you two. Period. And then it turns out that she found herself a new boyfriend faster than you expected. You’re bombarded by this. A lot.
We are here, and so you did not do something stupid, which you will later regret, we offer to talk about how to behave and not behave in this situation.
The girl after the breakup immediately found another: 7 erroneous strategies
So, this is exactly what you should not do. Even if you really want to.
1. Comparing him to yourself.
Don’t even doubt that your brain will want to do this, but seriously, don’t. It absolutely does not matter which of you, after such a biased analysis in your head will turn out to be “better” – you or him.
Let’s face the truth: You and your ex broke up for some reason, and she wants to date this other person, even if you don’t see any merit in him.
Love (and also sex and relationships) is not a reward for abstract “betterness” or a computer game where the one with the most points wins, but a completely unrelatable phenomenon that defies logical explanation.
You will achieve nothing by playing at your own best, except by hurting yourself. If such thoughts arise in your head, try to keep track of them and not “savor them.
2. Stalking your ex and her new boyfriend
You can make excuses for yourself by doing this supposedly out of concern for her, but in reality it’s just a subtle kind of masochism, and in some cases, it’s also harassment.
Ask yourself the honest question, “Why would I want to know what car he drives and what gym he goes to?” Could you find a reasonable and adult answer? Unlikely. The end of a relationship is a very painful stage for many people, and most psychologists advise you to “take a break” and temporarily unsubscribe from your ex during this period.
You may be able to reconnect as friends later, but while feelings are still burning, it’s important to avoid any triggers – including her current boyfriend’s accounts.
3. Threatening your ex’s new boyfriend.
Did your ex find someone else outrageously fast, in your opinion? Well, you’re certainly entitled to think so, to feel anger and frustration about it, but you should also realize that it’s just her business.
Don’t take away women’s subjectivity, your ex is a person, not a thing to be “stolen” or “taken away,” she decides for herself who she wants to be with.
Try to deal with your negative feelings and not take them out on others. By no means threaten your ex’s new crush and find peaceful ways to vent your anger – beat the punching bag, go out for a jog or do some push-ups. Seriously, exercise is a great way to hit the “reset button” and calm down.
If that doesn’t work and the heaviness from your heart doesn’t go away, try seeing an online therapist who can suggest more effective tactics. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
4. Use physical violence.
In continuation of the previous point. No and no. Not to anyone, ever, even if you think the person is “asking for it” or “deserves it.
Acts of violence for the purpose of gaining power and control are abusive. You face problems with the law, loss of respect from your ex and society at large.
If you find it difficult to contain your negative emotions, you may want to seek professional help.
Don’t shrug it off: a therapist can really advise you on effective ways to control your anger and aggression based on your individual situation.
5. Trying to smear his or her name.
Taking revenge on your ex and spreading rumors about her among your mutual friends? That’s just low, you know it yourself.
Trying to ruin her opinion of the new guy? You might think that if she finds out “what a creep he is,” she’ll go right back to you, but she won’t.
And imagine if someone else started saying dirty fake facts about you to your new girlfriend, how would you feel then? It’s unfair and gross. Why would you do that?
6. Start an affair yourself right away.
Did your wife immediately find someone else after your divorce? One of the first thoughts you might have is to do the same thing to make her jealous and realize who she has lost.
Well, this is one case where you miss two birds with one stone.
If your ex is in a happy relationship with a new guy and your relationship is a thing of the past for her, she’ll either be happy for you or ignore it.
As for your new girlfriend. Sorry, let’s face it, you would be doing her an extremely dishonest thing. You don’t start dating someone for the sake of trying to make another person jealous.
This is unlikely to last long and is likely to end very unpleasantly. And again, remember the previous point – just put yourself in the place of this “pawn” in your game. Wouldn’t want to be it, right?
7. Get drunk with grief
Classic. Undoubtedly, alcohol is the easiest and most desirable response when you’ve been hurt. However, take a quick run down memory lane – has it ever helped you find the right solution in a difficult situation? We think not.
The “grief pouring” is usually followed by casual sex (and, alas, most likely unprotected), drunken phone calls/messages that are embarrassing in the morning, or even more reckless and even dangerous actions.
If there’s ever been a guy somewhere who was able, by getting drunk, to get his ex back, or at least get her to hold off on a new relationship, we haven’t heard of him.
So. hell, no matter how great the temptation is-if you’re not sure you can control yourself, don’t get drunk at this critical moment.
What to do if the girl immediately found someone else after the breakup: the only correct reaction
So, above were listed the main mistakes you could make when you find out that your ex (who you obviously still care about) got a new boyfriend much faster than you expected. But if it’s all wrong, what’s the bottom line?
We’re not going to give you the number of a witch doctor who will supposedly bring your girlfriend back, or give you a magic phrase that will help revive her feelings for you.
Our advice is trite: move on. It may be difficult, but you need to learn to respect other people’s decisions.
Of course, there’s a chance that a relationship with another partner will help a girl realize that all she needs is you. It happens. But don’t get your hopes up for it seriously.
Listen to yourself: is she really “all you need”? If the answer is yes, then take a break from the relationship and prepare that it will be long (no one knows how long). During that time, you shouldn’t bother her and have to focus solely on yourself. If she realizes (after a month, a year, a decade) that you are her destiny, you will be together.
Not ready for such a scenario and even a little glad that you are no longer together? Then don’t play “who’s first” with her. Yes, she found a new relationship before you did. So what? Trust me, those three magic words “so what” are the real spell to stop hovering.
What does it mean if a girl immediately found another guy after a breakup?
The period of acute feelings about the loss of a relationship, people live differently. Some overcome the difficulties of the separation in two to three months, while others may need more than a year.
Not everyone can adequately pass all stages of the separation and properly build a new relationship.
It is during this difficult period, women often enter into a substitute relationship, trying to overcome the pain of loss and as quickly as possible to be comforted.
Why do women quickly enter into a substitute relationship after a breakup?
Experts note the instability of the psychological state caused by the breakup between partners . Particularly acute experience the separation of women, which is the main reason for the overwhelming desire to enter into a new, substitute relationship.
In addition, there are many other reasons:
- Panic fear of loneliness and the mistaken belief that it is impossible to survive emotional pain.
- The feeling that a lot of time has been wasted on the partner, so it is necessary to make up for lost time immediately.
- A desire to numb the pain of loss and find comfort as soon as possible.
- The perception of the loss of a loved one as a formation of emptiness, a vacuum, surrounding from all sides.
- The embodiment of a dream of newfound happiness.
- The desire to realize the lost.
- Hope to get rid of painful experiences and intrusive memories of a former partner, plunging into a substitute.
- Filling the free time that has arisen due to the breakup.
- Satisfaction of ambitions about their irresistibility and demand.
- Heightened sexual attraction.
However, the desire to forget about the grief, resentment, and heartache only at first give positive emotions.
Lack of real feelings in the future may turn into more disappointment in the new partner and plunge into the abyss of a more protracted depression.
How does a woman realize that she has entered into a substitute relationship?
It can be quite difficult to admit that the new love after a breakup is not a sincere feelings, but only a substitute. Sometimes it is even impossible, as too great is the desire to get rid of difficult memories and hope for a miracle from communicating with a new partner.
To understand that a woman has entered into such a relationship is possible by the following signs :
- Memories constantly return her to the happy moments spent together with her former partner.
- In her mind, the woman draws pictures of reconciliation and the return of the former relationship, although she realizes that it is impossible. Dreams that her ex-boyfriend sees her with a new partner.
- The woman constantly wants to talk about her ex-boyfriend, because she has not yet mentally let him go and accepted the breakup. She enjoys talking about her resentment and pain to her new partner, in whom she often sees a friend to “cry on her shoulder”.
- She sees the new partner as a means of consolation. She has little interest in his personality.
- She wants to maintain new communication more for status, to prove to herself and the man who dumped her that she is fine.
- She likes attention and sympathy from the new guy.
- A feature of the psychological state typical of substitute relationships is unstable mood and multidirectional feelings towards the ex. Their range fluctuates between love and hate, anger and sadness, shame and guilt.
- In the early stages of a breakup, a woman may spontaneously direct the full force of her feelings at her new partner, not always realizing why this is happening, because she has not yet healed from the breakup to the end.
- Looking for the new guy character traits and features of the former appearance, reminiscent of her former love. But instead of rapprochement, this only prolongs the suffering of the breakup with a former partner.
The main driver of the new relationship – the desire to prove to the ex that she is worthy of love. Psychologists argue that when a woman is replaced, she puts both herself and her new partner in danger. Disappointment instead of consolation is the legitimate outcome of a replacement love relationship.
How do you know if a man is dating to comfort himself?
The role of the vest can be played by either a man or a woman. Men often find themselves in a situation where, having not ended a previous love relationship, they enter into a new, substitute relationship to heal from their mental wounds.
One can tell that a woman has been chosen by a man for a substitute relationship by characteristic signs :
- He usually suffers openly for the object of his love. He does not hesitate to talk about his condition and how he was betrayed.
- When reminiscing about his former lover, he compares her to the women around him, without paying attention to the fact that he is hurting them.
- His openness and imagined weakness conquers women in search of tender and warm feelings. She, in turn, occupying the role of comforter, finds herself in danger because the suffering man does not need her. The one who has abandoned him is still important to the afflicted man. And the comforter is needed solely to forget the loss.
- It should be noted that the suffering man emphasizes his negative attitude towards his ex, avoiding contact with her. But she is constantly present in his conversations and memories.
- Continues to participate in the tasks and problems of the ex, responding at her first call.
As for his new companion, he takes his time introducing her to his friends and relatives. He calls only when he feels lonely, but when he is in a good mood he doesn’t even think about his new acquaintance. These signs should be a signal that by participating in a substitute relationship, a woman puts herself in danger of experiencing the bitterness of unrequited love.
How to Behave?
Substitution is a typical sign of an unclosed gestalt, when the former feelings have not yet cooled down and the relationship is not over.
In order not to find yourself in the role of comforter or comforter, do not waste time and nerves on imaginary feelings that can not grow into true love, should heed the advice of psychologists:
- At the slightest suspicion that the relationship is of a substitute nature, it is advisable to immediately terminate them.
- Empathy and sympathy are wonderful feelings, indicating responsiveness and sensitivity. However, this should have nothing to do with the hope of deep and lofty love.
- Once in such a relationship, it makes no sense to make far-reaching plans, to hope for the creation of a lasting union and high feelings.
- If the new partner has not yet gone through all the stages of a breakup, the memories of unhappy love are still alive in him and his experiences are too fresh, it is better to stop communicating with him.
- Learning about the past failed union is accompanied by a painful reaction at the mention of it, it is better not to build a new love relationship, if after the breakup with a former partner has not passed a year.
- The desire to constantly talk about a former partner or a ban on mentioning him or her is also indicative of an incomplete relationship in which it is impossible to enter into a new one.
Building a new relationship by trying to save the partner from the old one is not possible . Therefore, the suffering person must go through all stages of separation and only then enter into a new one, in which the main place will be the interest and respect for the partner. Only in this case it will be possible to wait for real love, bringing joy of communication.
Otherwise, you can become a party to a painful triangle, sooner or later ends in disappointment, a new breakup and a hard way out of the separation.
If you yourself cope with the gap is difficult, you should seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Benefits and benefits
Despite the fact that experts do not advise to enter into a substitute relationship immediately after a breakup, it should be recognized and the fact that in the new communication that develops after a breakup with a partner, there are positive aspects for women :
- they are a good support, a source of strength and energy in the difficult period immediately after a breakup;
- they raise a woman’s self-esteem in her own eyes;
- distract from painful memories;
- fill the free time;
- allow you to feel needed, important and worthy of love;
- Women in a substitute relationship find comfort, support, easier to endure the emotional pain after a breakup;
- The new partner acts as a psychotherapist, a friend for them, while providing a comfortable state for the soul and body.
There are undoubtedly benefits for women in a period of substitute relationships. They help to go more easily through all the stages and phases of the breakup, to avoid a long stay in depression.
However, trying to escape the suffering and as quickly as possible to overcome the pain of separation, the abandoned woman dreams of becoming happy with a new partner. Only this is impossible, since a substitute relationship has nothing to do with mature love .
Danger and negative consequences
Breaking up with a partner for a woman is always a painful process, provoking a quick entry into a new relationship. The seeming relief from pain is a temporary phenomenon, with a high probability leading to a new breakup with a random new partner.
The main danger of a quick replacement in a partnership relationship is the substitution of real feelings, the abandonment of them.
This leads to incomplete experiences of all stages of the breakup, including sadness, pain, even despair, characteristic of a breakup. However, these feelings need to be experienced, not simply eliminated, for full recovery.
In addition, entering into a substitute relationship immediately after a breakup does not allow one to recognize and weigh the mistakes of past relationships and determine the criteria for a new relationship so as not to repeat old ones.
In addition, the desire to heal and comfort may not match the aspirations and hopes of the new partner. After all, he may be hoping for a serious long-term relationship, while the woman is trying to win back her old ones.
In this case, a new breakup is possible, even more dramatic and leaving a deep wound in both partners.
The prospects of such a relationship are predetermined – they are practically non-existent. After receiving support and comfort, getting rid of severe emotional pain, the woman begins to gravitate to the company of a new partner. And has already beginning to be disappointed in him, provoking the next round of the endless chain of new relationships in search of the one, the only one.
The conclusion suggests itself: for the completion of a long-term relationship, entering into a replacement relationship is not a worthy way out of the situation. Psychologists recommend not rushing after a breakup. Give yourself time to calm down, to understand your feelings, to understand and accept the parting. And, only feeling free from the past relationships, which occurs about a year after the separation, enter into a new – harmonious and strong, based on mutual love.