Problems of the first year in a relationship and ways to solve them
Young families necessarily go through the stages of their formation. On the way of their development there are crises, which are turning points, and if the couple comes out of them competently, they move to a higher and stronger level of relationship. When it comes to relationships, we are talking about legal or civil marriage here.
Young people start a family and each of them has their own expectations and ideas about family. As statistics show, the first time the couple is in a state of strong infatuation, which is saturated with passion and a sense of independence.
But, life together is all about responsibilities and the division of roles, which allows you to create a family model and feel in which direction both should evolve. The strongest, most solid couples have problems and crises, and they are sometimes unavoidable. Statistically, the first year of cohabitation is the most difficult and many couples, not withstanding the crisis, break up.
The crisis of the first year of the relationship
A family, after living for a year or two, inevitably goes through a crisis, this is due to the forced transition to a new stage of the relationship.
If infatuation is strong, and people are still trying to show their partners only positive qualities, then after a while they begin to show their true qualities of character and confrontation.
Difficulties escalate with the responsibilities that fall on the shoulders of everyone in the family. People say that young people need to “get used to” each other during the first year, but not everyone understands what is behind these words.
In fact it is quite a deep psychological process of accepting each other as a couple, when all the problems are discussed and there is an agreement taking into account the interests of everyone. Only in this case, the couple will be able to go through the first years of life together painlessly, it’s like laying a strong and solid foundation for a house.
But, often, at a young age there is not enough experience and prudence to give in and go along, harshness in judgment and irascibility many prevented to hear each other. Divorce in the first 1-3 years of life together, accounts for up to 80% of the total. It turns out that this is one of the most difficult periods in the life of a young couple.
Probable causes of crisis
- Joint household and housekeeping.
Unfortunately, this point has ruined many young families. The problem is that everyone has their own ideas about this process and when there are disputes, they can agree. Or one of the partners just keeps silent and accumulates resentment against the other, but sooner or later the emotions will break out and there will be a conflict.
- The birth of a child.
Here there are many issues to be addressed by the new parents and spouses. First, the material insecurity and financial instability, certainly create problems. Spouses added new responsibilities, caring for the child, its maintenance and care, all of which requires strength, patience, finances and time.
Relationship crises by year
A woman goes through a crisis after the birth of a child, she enters a completely new role for herself, it is difficult and hard, both mentally and physically. The man also has the responsibility of supporting the entire family and expects gratitude and love from his wife, but both are not in the resource. This is where the crisis of the young family comes in.
- Different models of relationships or mismatched scenarios of married life.
Each of the spouses by the time of marriage already has an idea of what their family should be and what roles they will play. Psychologists believe that there are two variants of each family scenario, the first one is rationally formed and is within his mind, that is he thinks it over, evaluates and accepts it, and the second one is in our subconscious, it was copied from the parental family relations.
Unfortunately, the second variant manifests itself in life much more often, because it is simply inscribed in a person’s psyche, it is the environment in which he grew up and was brought up, otherwise it would be difficult for him. If the scenarios, or rather roles in the family do not coincide, there is no avoiding conflict.
These are not all the reasons why the couple may enter a crisis and go through difficult times.
How a crisis in the relationship manifests itself
Understand that there are problems in the family is probably the first step towards resolving the conflict. You can endlessly close your eyes to the displeased face of the spouse, the coldness and harshness in their responses to each other, but when there is the idea that it is difficult and unbearable to be at home it is not just a signal, but a real siren, that urgently need to solve the problem.
The emergence of a crisis is difficult not to notice, it has one striking symptom, it is dissatisfaction and negativity towards each other. Behind this behavior or reaction there are many grievances and resentments. Perhaps if people solved their problems immediately, instead of accumulating them for years, the crisis would have passed painlessly.
The crisis has a peculiarity: it acquires greater dimensions from the lack of communication between the spouses of their true experiences and feelings. The young girl at this period it seems that she is no longer loved, and she is not as attractive, the guy in turn believes that too much is required of him, and he does not get proper attention from his wife. This is just the most rudimentary example from the life of a young family that demonstrates a crisis in the relationship.
It is often at this stage that the fate of lovers who could have built a truly strong family breaks down. It is worth saying that not always both spouses have dissatisfaction, it happens that one lives and everything seems to be fine, and he does not even suspect that his other half is hard and unbearable to fulfill his role.
How to survive relationship problems
To survive the crisis in the young family in the first year or two of life together will help the following recommendations:
- It is necessary to make a rule to discuss the problems of his family.
This applies to the material side, the emotional and sensual sides. There is no need to take the situation to the limit so that you can start to clean up the mess and look for the root cause of the split. By discussing problems in a relaxed way, everyone will be able to express their opinions.
- Always find a compromise.
Flexibility in attitude is a great advantage, if people can solve problems, taking into account each other’s interests, it will only strengthen their relationship.
- There is no need to hold grudges inside.
Simple words: “I do not like the way you acted right now”, “I am offended because…”, that’s all, nothing else is needed, that’s how the conversation between two adults begins, and if you accumulate resentment, negative dissatisfaction, it will primarily harm your psyche and later will still find a way out in a nervous breakdown.
- The main rule in all relationships is that you should never try to remake your partner.
Communicating from the position that you are bad and I am good is definitely doomed to failure. It is a toxic relationship that ruins the brightest feeling.
It is not difficult to survive a crisis if people are focused on each other. Young spouses can get out of the crisis to a new level with new rules for their family, if they are open to dialogue.
The crisis of the first year of the relationship
Soon one of the most pleasant and exciting events – the chintz wedding, and the relationship is completely unraveling: each of the spouses are more and more withdrawn into themselves, spending time apart from the family, because at home – squabbles over domestic trifles and clarification: “Who’s the boss in the house?” What is this? Has the love faded? In just 12 months? Or has it never happened? No, this is the most banal crisis of 1 year of family life – the usual test of strength. And knowing in advance how you can get around the sharpest corners, it can be bypassed.
The crisis of 1 year of relationship: stamps in the passport and in the family.
The psychology of newlyweds is amazing: along with the wet stamp in their passports, they invariably carry stamps into their family life as well. No creativity, no ingenuity – it is, of course, easier to follow the beaten path. But here begins the most interesting thing: the girl has a family way of life was one, but the guy – quite different. For example, in her family, her mother was the boss at home and at work, everyone cooked for himself what he wanted, and no one interfered in the personal life of the household. But in his family, for example, his mother had no right to vote, the house was in perfect order, and for dinner was the first, and second, and fifth. And the young husband, of course, wants to see the same way of life in his family, but the girl begins to realize that it seems that she married a despot …
In fact, such issues need to be resolved before the wedding, but even in this case there is a way out. It is a compromise. Each of the parties must make concessions for the sake of peace and quiet in the family, and it is this way of life. If this can be done at the beginning of family life, the crisis of the 1st year will pass painlessly, and the chintz wedding will be celebrated with soul.
Or a year after the wedding celebration all the internal problems and conflicting roles will open up like a festering wound. And without pain, resentment and scandals will not do. Do you feel a storm approaching? Try to outline a comfortable for all family model now. Just do not think of your loved one, that he is cruel or, conversely, not what a husband should be – believe in him, people change, and now he has an exciting new role. Be optimistic about the future of your family, because:
“Your thoughts become your life” Marcus Aurelius
The crisis of 1 year of a relationship: the test of domesticity
Love doesn’t break down over everyday life if it’s real. And all the little troubles will eventually pass.
It is clear that not all of today’s young guys and girls know how to buy groceries, how to bring order, how to do laundry, and even how to cook. Once it was a maiden in marriage taught everything, but now the hard-working compassionate mothers are trying to save their daughter: “You’ll work hard in life, have a rest. There’s nothing to talk about for the boys. But they are not laughing at all when the wedding is behind us, the wedding night is over and they have to economize, correctly distribute their salaries, take care of the house and arrange their life. But everything can be learned, the main thing is to avoid such terrible mistakes:
- Meticulously nagging each other for every little thing.
- Trying to adhere to a completely sterile cleanliness.
- Total lack of order.
- The most important thing is that love does not fade away, and the rest will come with time.
The main thing is not to let love fade away behind petty fits and everything else will come with time, everything can be learned by trial and error:
“I didn’t fail. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” Thomas Edison
The 1-year relationship crisis: mother-in-law syndrome
It’s not uncommon for what’s called “mother-in-law syndrome” to ruin young families. This is when the mother-in-law actually becomes the third person in the marital bed. It happens so: the mother-in-law, or permanently living with the newlyweds, then without knocking “accidentally” come into the bedroom late at night, or stay up late, because “the show is on,” then goes out at night to go to the bathroom, but listens very carefully to what is happening behind the door. Even worse: he begins to make some comments about the intimate life of the young, even in an innocent, decent way. But this is not a disease – it’s just a problem that is not even aware of sometimes the mother-in-law. For a reason there is such a concept as the “Oedipus complex,” which occurred according to legend, where the boy became the lover of his mother.
Yes, surprisingly enough, but adult boys are still the boys of their mothers, and with any problems in the psyche or just a character trait, these mothers become jealous of their own sons to their brides. A simple conversation, a divorce, or renting a separate place to live can help solve the problem. The main thing is not to defame and not to shame at the same mother-in-law, for it can suddenly zealously stand up for his own son – my mother, after all.
A boy and a girl are making love. The door opens and his father and mother appear on the threshold. Thoughts of all four of them:
– Boy: That’s it, now I’m in trouble. – Girl: Now he’s going to marry me for sure! – Father: Hmm, the boy is growing up… – Mother: poor boy! Well, that’s how she lies – it’s uncomfortable for him!
Not for nothing in some tribes until now, on their wedding night, over the newlyweds – literally holds a candle to the bridegroom’s mother. That’s where the famous belief comes from.
Owls, Larks, and Woodpeckers
How many times marriage counselors exhorted couples to respect each other’s characteristics, to adjust a little, to show their love in practice, not just in words – all usually in vain. And it especially concerns the difference of biorhythms – as the rule worked: “For the one who got out of bed, sleeping the one who stayed in it is a crime,” and so it works. Therefore, psychologists have jokingly allocated not two types of people by biorhythm, but three:
Type 1: Owls – they fall asleep late and get up late.
2-nd type: Larks – they go to bed early and wake up early.
Type 3: Woodpeckers – they make owls get up early and larks go to bed late.
So, if someone in the family is a Woodpecker, it’s not good. Because nature itself has allocated, for whom the morning – time of activity, and for whom – time of half-sleep. Breaking biorhythms is useless – even by heavy, long-term habituation (for example, if the council has to get up for years before dawn to work), the only thing you can achieve is chronic irritability and even depression. And astounding are those husbands and wives who insist on getting up their sleepers at dawn, or who don’t let their soulmate go to bed two hours before midnight by turning on the TV loudly. Such a thoughtless attitude will sooner or later lead to a divorce, because the man will simply start to go mad. Do you make such a mistake? Fix it right away!
There are plenty of ways to get along even the most inveterate owl with an incorrigible lark. All the tricks are in the renovation. Thus, a bedroom for such a couple should be only in the north room (so that the morning sun does not wake the owl), and the kitchen with a plasma TV on the wall – at the other end of the apartment, so that the morning coffee machine work, watching the news and getting ready for work did not interfere with the sweet dreams of another, and the evening tea drinking and chatting on the phone did not disturb the early nap lark. Everything can be solved if you want to.
And it is sincere attention, care and respect for the needs and peculiarities of others that speak of true Love. And this is the only way to easily and painlessly survive the very first crisis of family life – the crisis of the first year.