Stages of a relationship breakup

About feelings after a breakup: why does the girl suffer first and then the guy, myth or reality

Hello, dear readers! Breakup is an integral part of life, it happens to everyone, at any age. It doesn’t show how good or bad a person is, it is not a signal to change yourself as a person. Falling in love doesn’t always turn into love, not every couple is destined to live to see a diamond wedding. But after the former partners split in different directions, a logical question arises: why after the breakup, first the girl suffers and then the guy? And according to popular belief, this happens regardless of who left whom.

Let’s not follow the gossip, myths on the subject. As part of the article, let’s look at the blog in the psychology of relationships, namely the most common reasons for breakups, in male and female psychology of dealing with heartache, listen to advice from renowned psychologists. At the last point we should focus especially on those who never got out of the state of self-deprecation and self-abuse, arrives in depression, does not know what to do.

Contents .

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Causes and stages of separation

Despite the diversity of world views, the complexity of the human character, personality, behavior in a relationship with many similar. During infatuation, a person relies on emotions, and those on hormones. As a result, being in the power of endorphins, partners simply forget about the logic, rules and dissimilarity to the others. When the hormonal cocktail dissipates, there is an image of an ordinary man with a bunch of flaws and personality problems. Here already stands a more sensible choice – to get used to and put up with, or find something more suitable?

Some people hold on longer, while others cut the connection at once. Here again, there is no shortage of platitudes. Among the main reasons for the breakup is excessive jealousy due to lack of trust or possessiveness, the inability to meet regularly in person (eg, in long-distance love), the presence of secrets, mental incompleteness of past relationships, different worldview (not converged views on the future) and family pressure (here you can gather a combo of the previously listed reasons). And it is good if both realize and understand the reason, but more often than not, one is stuck at the stage of falling in love, and the other has already “taken off” the rose-colored glasses.

It is considered to be more painful for the “dumped” party, especially if there is an effect of surprise. Therefore, after announcing the news, there begins, to put it in scientific terms, the stages of ending the relationship:

  1. Denial. The realization that the past life has come to an end does not come immediately. This is an ability the brain uses to protect itself from upheaval. At this stage, you can’t dwell on it; you can’t be fooled into thinking everything is the same as before. That is why after a breakup there is no need to rush headlong into a maelstrom, to quickly start a new relationship, this, despite the Internet advice, is not only not useful, but also ineffective. Subconsciously, a person is looking for similar traits, remakes the new lover, and when it does not work, feels even more pain, superimposing emotions from both relationships on each other.
  2. Expression of emotion. After a while, resentment, anger, pain, frustration must be vented somewhere. Emotions should not be kept inside. Use the help of friends (those who are ready to listen, support, and not criticize), a psychologist, or a piece of paper on which to vent your anger. Otherwise, they will either lodge in the depths of your soul and spill out at the wrong time, or they will make you take physical revenge on the offender.
  3. Negotiations. After a month, a week or six months, there is a lull. Instead of resentment for the break-up, nostalgia for the past begins, and there comes a fear of the future. Therefore, at this time so attracted to find common ground, to make contact with a former partner. But is it possible, and most importantly, whether it is necessary to look for an excuse to get back together after the breakup? Common sense at this stage it is difficult to call, but to help quickly get over this stage, it is quite real. Largely due to the distance from the past life through a ban on viewing pages in social networks, getting rid of gifts, memorabilia, the cessation of any contacts.
  4. Apathy. That’s the stage many people stay in for years. When the pain leaves the heart, indifference settles in it. Unwillingness to build a new life, passivity in the affairs is aggravated by self-injury, loss of strength after the parting, blaming yourself for the causes of separation. We will discuss separately how to get out of this condition.
  5. Humility. The moment when, finally, comes the realization that the past is not return. Consciousness adapts to a new reality, new ideas come, and the construction of plans for the future begins.

How to survive a breakup

Turning to the experience of the West, it is possible to push back on the scientific approach to solving the issue. Many scientific works have been written on this topic, studies have been conducted on the behavior of those who have experienced a breakup. According to the psychology of breakups, many people end the relationship, not fully aware of the consequences. For example, feelings are there, and the breakup is seen as a reason to make jealous or stir up emotions. But it’s not always possible to put things back together.

For example, it is difficult for a woman to understand that a man is not gone forever, just as it is difficult for a man to understand that a girl has simply decided to take a break. As a result, a lot of rash actions are taken, a lot of deep-seated resentments are voiced, burning bridges. In addition, if the relationship tries to return the initiator, it is perceived as an admission of his mistakes. And if the abandoned party is looking for the way back, it is associated with humiliation. This approach stops many people from returning, leaving no chance for a return.

If the breakup has happened, it is worth listening to the advice of psychologists, based on their experience:

  • It is important to learn to let go of your former partner. Of course, there is a percentage of couples who get together after a breakup and begin to build a happy future, but it is not specified how many are rejected when trying to get closer. Breakups don’t happen out of nowhere, there is always a reason. If there is no way to change it, it is better to stop associating yourself as part of the couple, and free yourself from unnecessary thoughts.
  • Help to cope with apathy will help to maintain a tone of mind, constant praise. Those around you will see that everything is fine, and this will help to make yourself believe it. This is a moment of self-programming.
  • It’s worth concentrating on the positive aspects of the breakup. Got more time? Perfect! Lay in the bathroom, wash the ceiling, or read. Free yourself from control? Go out with girlfriends/friends to a club, forgetting your phone at home.
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Major Mistakes After a Breakup

Based on his experience and his study of the work of Western colleagues, psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich, has identified five major mistakes made by most abandoned people:

  1. Exaggerating the extent of the tragedy. For many women, the moment when a man proposes to break up is a turning point in their fate, if not at all the biggest moment of their lives. That’s it, the planet doesn’t turn, the entire male gender is subject to oppression, and the sky is clouded. The reality is that emotions are extremely fickle. The pain of a breakup, like the joy of an event, passes swiftly. But by dwelling on suffering, we artificially slow down healing.
  2. Self-mobilization. People break up every day, and without exception everyone thinks that if they’ve been dumped, it’s because of a lack of beauty, intelligence, or excess weight. No, people get together more often because of physical attraction and break up because of psychological nuances. Do not dig into yourself, take the breakup as a given.
  3. The attitude of “forgetting”. Unfortunately, the heart, as well as the brain, can not be ordered. The harder we try not to think about something, the more we think about it. This paradox has been defined as the polar bear effect. Think about the ex/ex, but only observe the feelings, not immerse yourself in them.
  4. Search for a replacement. It’s impossible to say exactly how long love lives after a breakup. There are too many different factors. Including the aggravation of experiences, the bareness of feelings, the return to the past is influenced by the desire to forget yourself in someone else’s arms. Unexperienced emotions remain locked in the mind, trying to escape. The awareness that it is not getting easier, presses on the psyche, does not give rest.
  5. Trying to prove uniqueness. Trying to show your ex-boyfriend that life is beautiful and full of events looks quite pathetic. And when the pictures in the new swimsuit, a change of closet or a haircut, do not bring the necessary return, it increases the irritation and pain.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you need to be able to switch to other aspects of life. Develop yourself, pursue a career, travel at least within your hometown, get new emotions in any way you can. Sometimes, the silence after a breakup, especially if it was excessively violent, the refusal to clarify the relationship, the best medicine and a way to discern something new and more important.

Women’s Psychology

Women’s behavior after a breakup usually occurs according to a standard and familiar pattern. First, she is looking for privacy from everyone and cries, pouring out all the negative through tears, then tries to find a listener to express his pain. Such an approach helps her to cope more quickly with the emotional shock and not to burrow her feelings deep inside. According to the averaged time frame, the strongest feelings in the period of the first six months, and a full recovery occurs in a year. But often during this period a woman manages to do a lot of ill-considered and controversial actions: to cut the hair or stop taking care of yourself, to lose a lot of weight or to get fat.

In most cases, if a man decides to break off a relationship, the woman begins to feel intense guilt about it. Self-discovery and assuring herself of her imperfection begins. In some cases, this can lead to positive results, provided that the girl directs her energy to fitness, travel and other useful activities. It is worth noting that during the first year, women rarely have new affairs, preferring to keep the image of the former in mind. Sometimes, new relationships do occur, but in 99% of cases, the guy is similar or has a number of similar traits to the ex. Unfortunately, such a couple quickly collapses.

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Male Psychology

Despite the complete outward mismatch, emotionally, the psychology of guys after a breakup is no different from that of women. Men from the cradle are taught to hide tears, suppress emotions, and be calm outwardly. As a result, if you look at the days after a breakup through a guy’s eyes, they are full of silent torment, self-injury, pain, and despair. And all of this crashing emotional lava is under the strictest ban on display. Closedness, inability to speak out leads to aggression, to the search of adrenaline and any strong negative emotions.

The cause of aggression in men is the inability to express and cry out their feelings, so after a breakup, anger will seek an outlet. Some will decide to go down a steep hill or jump with a parachute, others will find the adrenaline in high speed and illegal night races, others will drown their sorrow in alcohol and get into drunken fights. If this is still spurred on by the beginning of a new union with an ex-girlfriend, the instinct of possessiveness and the desire to improve self-esteem, will make you forget yourself through short flings with a variety of girls.

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Why guys try to get back

There are a number of reasons for this:

  • Nostalgia. After a long union, men are at first blessed with freedom, and they enjoy it. But this period does not last long. Lack of control leads to partying, night out, but it quickly gets boring. They get homesick and feel the pointlessness of one-night stands. Besides, after they come home, they don’t get the delicious dinner and clean bed to which they were already accustomed. More and more often they think about how good it really was with their former partner. It is not uncommon for men to become depressed after a breakup, they begin to reproach themselves for the mistakes they made, and they increasingly think about going back.
  • Inability to find a replacement. Guys who leave expect to quickly find a replacement for their ex. But subconsciously they look for familiar and beloved features in a new partner. High demands, constant comparison of situations to past relationships leads to difficulties. As a result, guys realize that it is easier to get everything back than to start from scratch.
  • Realization of mistakes. Free time and a pang of longing, allow you to finally see the mistakes that were made in the completed union. Now the guy accentuates all his memories on the good moments and idealizes the image of his beloved.
  • Lack of intimacy. The search for short flings also ends in failure for some. Not being able to satisfy their instincts and sex drive, leads back to the bed of the ex. And this is where girls should be wary. If this is the only reason for the night appearances, then there is no question of resuming the old relationship to the fullest extent. The ex becomes a reserve airfield.
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How to return love

Many men regret the breakup, but does that mean it’s possible to get it all back? In some cases, yes. But provided that the girl will behave tactfully and correctly, will be able to overcome his emotional instability and the desire to reproach for leaving. It is worth remembering that any attempt to beg for things back will have the opposite effect. No one likes victims. You need to act more cunningly, start with friendly conversations, short meetings without sexual overtones. It is important to give a man time to think things over and not put a vendetta on his return from the first days of separation.

It is worth to be careful with advice on dressing up, change of image. Do not go on a friendly date to dress up like at a wedding. It is better to be guided by your image at your first meeting, to be more friendly, sociable, smiling. Guys are attracted to openness and ease of communication, not the evening makeup and miniskirt. Of course, you can get fit if looking in the mirror there is a sense of loss of sexuality. A subscription to a fitness club, will delay the time of active attempts to contact, in addition, will give to splash out negative emotions during an intense workout.

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The bottom line

Contrary to popular belief, guys and girls go through a breakup with equal intensity. Men’s mental anguish is sometimes even stronger. Settled and ingrained in the consciousness of the myth, based only on external manifestations of feelings. Moreover, many people judge behavior by looking at photos on social networks in which guys are smiling surrounded by friends. A photo will not convey inner emotions. Be guided by your feelings. If the breakup was a mistake, do not be afraid to share it with your ex-girlfriend, just do not do it immediately. Think about their own and his actions, weigh the negative and positive aspects of the relationship, remember what you loved and what was starting to irritate. And most importantly, do not act in the way that others expect you to. Be yourself, as what’s going on inside the couple, only two people know.

Have you been able to get your relationship back? Write in the comments, how long have you been pining for your ex-partner?

5 steps to accepting that your relationship is over

It’s very sad to realize, but everyone, at least once in their life, for one reason or another, has broken up with a loved one. How do you go through a relationship breakup when you feel like you can no longer live your life differently? For many, it becomes a serious problem, which, in addition to stress and lingering depression, imposes a negative imprint on the rest of their lives.

To avoid this, you must understand that the separation – this is not the end of life, and this painful process will sooner or later end. But how soon it happens, it depends only on you.

Stages of a relationship breakup

To understand how to survive a relationship breakup, you need to realize that this process is quite long, and it is divided into several stages. And how you pass through them will depend on how hard you will experience, how long the process will take, and, in the end, what the end result will be. Some people, after going through all the stages of separation, return to normal life, as if cured of an illness. And there are people who get stuck in one of them. In the end, it ends in depression and a desire to isolate themselves from all communication. By following the tips below, you can avoid this insidious trap and realize that life goes on and there is more to come.

5 steps to accept the breakup

So, psychologists distinguish the following stages of a breakup:


At this stage of the breakup, the person does not understand and does not want to understand what happened at all. Many people think that this is just a bad dream and that everything is not happening to them. At such moments, most people begin to “hypnotize” the phone, waiting for a call from their loved one. And all because the brain has not yet had time to “digest” what has happened and readjust. After all, there were so many plans and hopes, and in the end – everything crumbled with a bang.


At this stage of the relationship breakup, we are overwhelmed with emotion. There is so much pain inside, and you begin to look for its cause. And this is where past, even minor, resentments come up. You begin to blame the former spouse for everything that happened. It seems to you that life is unfair and it is necessary to take revenge.

The desire to get it all back.

You have no idea how to accept the breakup and the only thing that comes to your mind is to try to glue the broken cup back together. It’s at this point that people start calling their exes and trying to continue the relationship as if nothing happened. And sometimes, it turns into an obsession and causes problems for both of them. Even though you know in your heart that it’s over, you desperately keep trying to get it all back.


At this stage of the breakup, you become depressed. It seems to you that nothing matters anymore. You do not want to do anything, do not want to communicate with anyone. Everything you do happens as if “on automatic”. There are also severe cases when a person completely goes into himself.


You are now fully aware that the old relationship is gone, but in spite of this, life goes on. Set your sights on a new life without your partner, let go of him or her and your thoughts.

How easy is it to get to the final stage and get over a relationship breakup?

Now you know how to accept the breakup and painlessly go through all stages of the relationship breakup. And remember, life does not end with the phrase: “It’s over between us. It may not have been “your man,” but either way, he brought something into your life. Be grateful for the experience and keep moving forward. Understand that sometimes it is not love and desire to be together with your partner that keeps you in an outdated relationship, but fear of being without him, fear of the new. But new is most often synonymous with the best. So maybe it’s time to accept the breakup and allow yourself to live a better life.

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