Severe mental pain: outline in detail

How to deal with heartache

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Life, for the most part enjoyable, has both white and black stripes. The sun shines in a world where there is both good and evil. Pain is an essential part of life. Don’t think that you are the only one who suffers. We all understand that physical pain goes away once the medicine has taken effect. It takes time. We are not always ready to understand that mental pain does not go away overnight: it also takes time.

There is no need to treat what is normal. Temporary heartache can be caused by a number of things: the death of a loved one or having to get over a breakup with someone, cruelty from other people. When this happens to you, take it as a given: that you feel hurt or angry for a while. Face the truth: If someone close to you dies, it is unlikely that anyone will remain indifferent to what has happened. If you love someone and that person hurts you, it is normal to feel pain. There is no cure for such a condition. It’s normal to feel pain for a while.

They say that if you go crazy, you are hurt, you have been insulted or hurt, etc., it is your fault. That’s not true. It just shows that people are cold and don’t show their emotions. They are indifferent to everything that is going on. If you feel heartache, then there is a reason for it. Most importantly, be selective about what you take personally. Get over your pain, but don’t make it the center of your life. In the future, you may be able to help someone else go through the same pain.

Don’t deny the pain. Pain is real. Pray or meditate. Give yourself time. You have to live through the pain, or you will never get rid of it. The only thing you can think about is when the pain will end, but only by living the pain can you get through it. You can run away from the pain by saving your work, but you have to leave yourself time to think about what happened: you shouldn’t deny the pain.

Determine how you feel. Are you heartbroken? Or are you angry? Maybe you feel guilty? Abandoned? Are you afraid of something? You need to clearly identify what feeling you are experiencing. This will help you deal with the pain.

Give the pain time: be patient. What cannot be cured with medicine can be cured with time. Sometimes when you think of mental pain as physical pain, you realize that pain takes time. When you think of your broken heart, think of it as a broken arm. A broken arm hurts terribly, even after a cast is put on. After a few days, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. But, if, months later, you hit the same spot, the arm can remind you of what it was, even more painful than it was when it was broken. You try not to bother her, but you can’t cut your arm off. That won’t make it hurt any less. You just have to endure the pain.

Talk to someone. You may feel like your pain is so strong that you can’t talk about it with anyone. You feel like no one will understand you. Or maybe the person you want to talk to doesn’t share the same opinion with you about what hurt you. Maybe they don’t care about your partner you broke up with, maybe they don’t know your friend, maybe they don’t really understand what you’re talking about. But being understood isn’t the most important thing right now. The important thing is that your family and your friends love you. They see that you feel bad and want to help. Sometimes, all you have to do is talk about how you feel, talk about how bad you feel, and the pain will start to go away. Just because someone hugs you and tells you, “It’s going to be okay,” won’t make the pain go away, but it will make you feel like you’re not alone. Knowing that there is someone there for you already helps.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your feelings aren’t real. They are real, they are important. They are your feelings. If you feel sad, it doesn’t mean you will never be happy. Think your thoughts, live your feelings, but remember that they are only thoughts and feelings.

Try not to think about how bad you feel. You can feel sorry for yourself for no more than 10 minutes. Then go ahead. No exceptions. Go out with friends. Make a promise to yourself that you won’t talk about your pain for more than a few minutes, nothing will change anyway. Don’t let your friends talk about it for too long. You go on with your life. For a little while, forget about your pain. If you’re going through someone’s death or a breakup with a loved one, try to just live through that pain so it goes away faster. It doesn’t mean that you have forgotten about the pain and go on living without it. It just means that everyone needs a break. Give your heart peace, let your heart let the light and love that you get from seeing friends or doing an activity that brings you pleasure. You will still have time to cry, but not now.

Allow time to heal you. This is the hardest part. You will have to be patient for the wounds to heal. There is nothing left for you to do but…wait. Time requires only one thing: let it work. In order for the heartache to become a memory, you have to live it.

Don’t let the pain overwhelm you. Remember that you have both a future and a past. You are stronger than the pain. You need to understand that. This is just another episode in life that will pass.

Write a letter. When you write, you can better make sense of your feelings. Use positive messages more often instead of negative ones. If you don’t write, talk to someone about your feelings: someone close to you or a doctor. No need to make excuses, just talk and listen to what you are told.

Stay away from saying that someone is to blame. You are responsible for your actions, both good and bad, but you shouldn’t blame anyone. There is no such question: who is to blame?

Work out your line. Life teaches you lessons, learn from it. People who have a smooth life, very difficult to bear bad times, because they do not know how to cope with difficulties. Everything your life presents you with, even pain, teaches you to develop certain qualities and skills that will help you cope with difficulties in the future. No matter what happens, everything is for the best: you become stronger.

Write a gratitude list. Write all the things you are thankful for: both having nice clothes, having a roof over your head, then think about people. Thank those who care about you and thank life for just the good things in your life. Being thankful is natural, and it will help heal your wounds.

If the pain doesn’t go away for more than a week or you’ve lost hope or you’re thinking about suicide then you may have some unresolved personal issues inside. In this article, we discussed a healthy approach to getting through the pain. Sometimes, as children, we don’t want to take the right advice. In other words, when we are younger, we tolerate pain more easily. Often this is because we find freedom from pain more easily. But if what has happened is negatively affecting your life and you cannot get out of the impasse on your own, seek help to understand, process and accept what has happened.

Severe mental pain

It is possible to draw a parallel here and assume that mental pain also indicates that in the psyche or in the mind of a person something is going on that needs attention, that needs to be changed.

The pain of loss

Separately, mental anguish caused by objective events is worth noting:

  • The loss of a loved one or an irreparable breakup with a loved one,
  • the loss of something very important, dear and valuable.

Our culture has developed certain rules, traditions and rituals that allow us to cope with the pain of loss. Psychology has also accumulated some experience in helping people who have lost loved ones or who are facing a breakdown of a relationship with someone close to them. It makes sense to talk about this separately. This article will consider somewhat different situations.

We will talk about the mental pain that is not directly related to loss or bereavement, but is caused by the specifics of the person’s internal psychic dynamics and the state of his or her consciousness.

Cognitive dissonance

Usually cognitive dissonance occurs as a result of a conflict of some conflicting life attitudes, which are simultaneously present in the person’s mind, but which he cannot reconcile with each other.

The same may occur when there are contradictory moral and ideological principles in a person’s mind, when different ideas and values clash.

That is, we are talking about a contradictory perception of reality and internal conflicts at the level of interpretation of those events that occur in this reality.

But a person’s state of consciousness is influenced not only by what happens in his immediate environment and in society – self-perception can also be strongly influenced by internal psychic dynamics, including what happens in the unconscious sphere.

Mental pain caused by increased internal tension in a person’s psyche

Very often, people experience a great deal of mental pain in situations when it seems that no obvious tragedy has happened in their lives and they have not suffered any loss. Such pain usually indicates that the person’s psyche is in a state of increased internal tension, or there are some strong pockets of tension in it, which seem to tear it apart.

Usually this heightened inner tension is due to intense feelings in the psyche, densely mixed with strong feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, hatred, jealousy, revenge, as well as repressed aggression and unsatisfied cravings or any other highly emotionally charged impulses.

Mental dissonance unfolding on a conscious level

A typical example of mental dissonance is the experience of cheating on a loved one. People in such a situation may experience a variety of strong and conflicting feelings. We may continue to love the betrayer, and this love becomes even stronger when we realize that you are losing her. And at the same time there may be a strong hatred in the soul for the one who betrayed him, this hatred may be accompanied by squeamishness and contempt, by moral alienation.

In people with wounded self-esteem very sharp and contradictory feelings can cause even a strong crush. Thus a young man can love and admire his chosen one, feel a strong attraction for her, but at the same time hate her for the fact that she does not reciprocate his feelings. In such cases, love merges with hatred, anger, and sometimes with a desire for revenge.

In children, mental dissonance very often occurs when a child witnesses conflicts between his parents, especially in a situation where he loves both and is equally attached to both mom and dad.

Tension between levels of the psyche

Our experiences are not homogeneous, and a person’s psyche may reflect many different events at the same time; he may worry about different topics. He may rejoice in communicating with his friends – and at the same time grieve over the break-up of a relationship or replay in his head some problems related to work.

But in addition to the experiences that unfold in our soul and mind on a conscious level, we may be subject to experiences that do not manifest on the level of consciousness, but boil somewhere in the depths of our psyche. Usually it is something displaced from our consciousness and from our “operative memory. In such cases, we can deal with suppressed feelings, desires, memories, with complexes of emotionally and energetically charged experiences, which for some reason have been displaced and eliminated from the field of consciousness.

In the above example, when the person is talking to friends and is happy about the event, there is a conflict between the joyful feelings caused by the experience of the “here and now” – and the experience of some unpleasant events that have been going on in his life lately. These are conflicts of experiences unfolding at the same level of awareness.

In the same case, when what is happening in the current time is strongly influenced by something that happened in the past, but the memories of these events have been pushed out of consciousness and forgotten, we face a situation of conflict between different levels, different layers of the psyche.

Let us consider an example of such a conflict unfolding between different levels of the human psyche, when at the deep level there is tension between suppressed experiences and mental resistance, which does not allow these experiences to become conscious – and another drama unfolds on the surface of the psyche, which is initiated as if to cover up and further suppress the deep experiences, to distract the mind from being able to realize what is happening in the depths of our psyche.

An example of conflict between different levels of the psyche

While working with one man, I noticed that he had completely forgotten about some important experiences in his life, for example, he did not remember everything that had happened in his life in the 1st and 2nd grade. Later it turned out that these events were connected with his childhood crush on a schoolmate.

The fact is that in 1st and 2nd grade among his peers, the other boys, there was nothing more shameful and reprehensible than to be caught in love with a girl. It was acutely contrary to their “real boy” code.

For fear that his feelings would be exposed, he tried to hide his feelings and even tried to etched these shameful sentiments from his soul. For the sake of this in public, he treated his beloved very roughly, often insulting and humiliating her for no apparent reason. At one point he initiated severe bullying of another boy who also happened to be in love with this girl, but he would not hide his feelings or was unable to do so.

As a result, the man has thoroughly erased from his memory the entire episode of his life: the crush, the girl herself, the brutality toward her and the bullying he organized against his rival. We stumbled upon these memories in the process, from his point of view, accidentally. But I noticed that this man, with a generally good memory, remembered absolutely nothing of the period of his life when he was in the 1st or 2nd grade. Having discovered this gap in his memory, we began to piecemeal reconstruct the events of those times.

Already as a 7 or 8-year-old boy he knew that he was acting as a coward and he knew that by bullying his rival, he was being mean and cruel. And the cruelty with which he had treated his secret lover had hurt not only her but himself. He could share this with no one, not his parents or friends. And as a result, he was forced to just file away all these experiences and memories of them in his soul.

Subsequently, he was constantly haunted by a sense of shame and contempt for himself, which was particularly acute when he was seriously in love with someone. The stronger were his feelings, the more tension he felt in his soul. And if his beloved reciprocated, then a strong and unreasonable fear was added to the feeling of shame and contempt for himself.

Thus, at the deepest levels of his psyche, old repressed feelings were stirring, and some other drama might be playing out in the present situation. On the one hand, he longed for his beloved, and on the other he did everything he could to keep them apart, to keep their relationship from becoming public: he did not want to introduce her to his friends, to his family.

Naturally, at some point, the girls were offended and angry at him, quarrels and scandals broke out. His betrothed could not understand why his mood changed so often: he was loving and affectionate, then depressed and aloof, and even angry.

Gradually the quarrels and scandals grew stronger, but if he saw that the girl was ready to leave him, he began to fight for her to come back. And when things were getting better, he would start a scandal over nothing and ruin everything again.

It turns out that getting over these scandals was easier for him than coping with the gratuitous feelings of shame and self-disdain. Even the breakups with his lovers, which sooner or later occurred, could be perceived by him as a kind of relief, as a release from an incomprehensible and inexplicable heartache.

At the same time, this man was prone to some introspection and thought that he could not form a stable relationship, because his parents had divorced when he was 12 years old, and for a couple of years before that they had lived in a state of constant scandals that caused him a lot of suffering.

The man went to a psychologist because he was very upset about the breakup with his last girlfriend. He willingly, and even with some kind of morbid enthusiasm, talked about how he had behaved unkindly with her.

In describing his last relationship, the man constantly complained that his girlfriend disrespected and despised him, but he could not give any real examples of this disrespect. And, as mentioned, he blamed his parents for traumatizing his psyche with their scandals and divorce. His parents’ behavior had indeed had a deleterious effect on this man’s psyche and on his attitude toward himself. But that was not the most important, or at least not the only reason for his problems, and it was not the only reason for the acute mental pain he was experiencing.

Fear, Shame and Guilt

Very often feelings, events and experiences which seem to a person to be something shameful and disgraceful, for which he feels an acute feeling of guilt, are suppressed and extruded from consciousness. As examples of this we can cite a variety of situations:

  • The man who calmly admits to himself anything but that in some situation he behaved like a coward and betrayed a friend (this act once greatly undermined his faith in himself);
  • a woman who can talk quietly about all sorts of events in her life, but not about the fact that in some situation she behaved “like a weak and weak-willed sissy with no pride or dignity.

What is suppressed is what at this point in time, at this age, in this social environment was considered the most shameful and most disgraceful. In some cases parents may simply indoctrinate the child that he or she is some kind of bad, naughty, capricious, sneaky, mean. That he or she is guilty by the very fact of his or her birth, since he or she has ruined all of their plans. They may do this for a variety of reasons, often without fully understanding what they are doing. But the child believes them – and begins to believe that he is really guilty of something and has done something shameful.

Such experiences that are not due to anything imputed to the child, nevertheless, are deeply rooted in his or her soul and can seem like something real to him or her. They can be displaced from the child’s consciousness at the same time as some other real traumatic events which happened at that time. As a result, real events can still somehow be recalled and relived, analyzed and overcome their consequences – while indoctrinated or imputed feelings and experiences are difficult to pin down to something real, it is difficult to find their origin and consequently it is very difficult to get rid of them.

Consequently, a person’s experience of acute mental pain, especially in situations when it is not connected with the “pain of loss,” indicates that in his or her mental sphere, there are inner conflicts on different levels:

  • On the level of consciousness in the form of cognitive dissonance: conflict between different thoughts and attitudes, between conflicting volitional and ideological principles, between different versions of the interpretation of events or some events of the past.
  • At the level of contradictory feelings, aspirations, drives, and experiences unfolding in the current time (mental dissonance).
  • On the level of conflict between the suppressed complexes of experiences and those forms of psychic defenses and resistance that work to keep these experiences out of the realm of consciousness.

Mental pain is almost always associated with an elevated level of mental tension and with the individual’s inability to relieve that tension

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