How to get over your wife’s divorce and start living a new life
Divorce is considered a unique hell not only for women, but also for men, who need to know how to survive a divorce with his wife? The divorce process and the rest of their lives are like standing in the path of a rushing train.
Men after divorce often live lives filled with pain and suffering, but others do not see it. It is easy enough for society to sympathize with a woman’s tears over a divorce, but it is uncomfortable to see a man’s suffering over the breakup of a family. So it ignores men’s feelings.
The purpose of this article is to consider how men who have suffered unjustifiably, for example, because of their wife’s infidelity or for other reasons, feel after the dissolution of their marriage? How does a man move on after a divorce, especially if you still continue to love your wife, or have children in common? How do you behave with your ex-wife and build your life after divorce?
How to Get Over Your Wife’s Divorce
“You don’t know a woman until you meet her in court.” With this Woody Allen quote, consider the advice of psychologists to help a man get through a divorce.
Accept and let go
The divorce process is not a problem for a man. The problem starts after it, such as fear of loneliness, depression, financial problems. Any of the above can knock a man off his feet. So the most important thing is not to break down. Life after divorce exists!
Understand and accept two things: the support of true friends and the acceptance of what happened. Divorce is not the end, rather the beginning of something new.
Look at how women go through divorce. They cry, calling out to their girlfriends who come to them and cry with them. Ridiculous, right? No, that’s the best thing you can do. Spit out the grief and pain after a breakup. You don’t have to cry, you can scream, howl or chop wood, the main thing is to “blow off steam” and remove the anger and stress from your body, otherwise your heart will refuse to obey.
So don’t hesitate to ask for support from friends or loved ones. Ask them to help you cope with your emotions. And trying to escape from reality, immersed in alcohol, drugs, or by going into art, sports, work – it’s delaying acceptance of the inevitable – the marriage is broken up, his wife left.
Don’t make yourself a victim, and stop whining
By thinking of yourself as a victim, especially because of cheating, there’s a chance, first, of rolling into total self-pity – a state that depresses rather than motivates you to get over your wife’s cheating and divorce.
Second, you can start cursing everyone who is supposedly responsible for your wife filing for divorce and leaving. Whereas the goal of a real man after a divorce – to start deep changes of himself, says psychologist Lobkovsky.
So give yourself time: a month, two or three, to “suffice” to suffer, and then stop. It’s time to move on to other issues. Think of the divorce situation as a kind of “kick” that sobered you up, helped you come to your senses, discarding the not real image you wanted to seem. (The tips from the article, What kind of man should a real man be?)
The dissolution of your marriage after, for example, cheating on your life partner gave you the impetus to become the real you should be. Start digging deep within yourself to figure out who you are, what makes you happy and what you really want out of life?
Once you’ve found the answers to these questions, set the right goals, and then start working to achieve them. Thanks to this you will achieve happiness in your new relationship. After all, your future wife needs a real man, who will be an inspiration for her, a protector, and not self-pitying little man accusing all women of lying.
Get rid of things that cause anger towards his ex-wife
Want to get a fresh start in life? Then do not move things from your old life to the new. If the financial situation allows you to remove from the house everything that reminds or hurts the past life, then throw them away, sell them, or hide them in the back of the garage. That way it will be easier to get over it all.
If you are thinking about how to help your son get over his wife’s divorce, or if you want to help a man you know, then share with him the tips from this article.
Take care of yourself
Occupy yourself with what you previously denied yourself as a married man. Fulfill a long unfulfilled dream. Maybe you wanted to learn something, learn something, go somewhere or change jobs for another, less prestigious, but more enjoyable.
Filter out your desires or preferences, removing all the nonsense from them, and leave only those that can help you become a self-sufficient man in a short time. This is the perfect time for you to immerse yourself in the things that truly interest you. Learn today to respect yourself, if yesterday you were just floating along, living a corrosive life.
Think about your health
It is common that your health after the divorce process wants the best (e.g. stress, high blood pressure, headaches), so it’s time to take care of it. Try to eat right, get enough sleep, and go to the gym. This on the one hand will distract from painful memories, and on the other – will tighten your physical condition.
Stop living with the idea of revenge.
This is a bad idea, because revenge sucks you in. Don’t waste energy looking for revenge. Do you want to change or get better or achieve something? Then do it for yourself, not for your estranged wife.
Remember from the novel by Dumas about the Count of Monte Cristo, when the Count avenged his enemies, he became a poor, lonely and sad man.
In wanting revenge, you continue to live for someone else, whereas you have a chance to live for yourself. So enjoy the gradual improvement of yourself. And try to forgive your ex-spouse instead of living with thoughts of making your ex-spouse come crawling back and begging you to come back after realizing what she has lost.
Work on forgiveness.
To many men, this advice may seem absurd. “Forgive for what she did to me? Never!” These are natural reactions. But holding a grudge is the most damaging thing you can do for YOU. There’s hardly anything you can teach your ex-spouse by this, rather the opposite: you limit yourself from being a happy and fulfilled person.
In a divorce situation, forgiveness means that you no longer carry or accumulate anger, anger, but also have not forgotten what happened. You just don’t have time to hate anymore, even if you don’t fully understand what happened or what your wife was thinking when she cheated or left you.
This is the final stage of the journey to regain your dignity.
Why it is harder for men to get over the breakup of a marriage
Life after divorce with a wife is more likely to get worse. Psychologists and marriage counselors cite a number of reasons why this is the case:
- The negative impact of divorce on men’s health. This can be due to the substitution of good habits for bad ones, such as excessive use of tobacco or alcohol. Wives usually encourage their husbands to lead healthy lifestyles. Without this positive influence, divorced men can quickly revert to old, unhealthy habits.
- Faced with hardship, men are more emotionally dependent on their female companions than women because they have fewer alternative sources of support. When asked “from whom first husbands would seek support when feeling down,” 71% chose their wife, while only 39% of women chose their husband.
- Women cope much better with their emotions after the dissolution of a marriage. They find it easier to share their problems with other people and friends. Although they are usually in a worse financial situation than their husbands, the dissolution of a marriage is often a springboard for their professional growth.
- Not surprisingly, divorce initiators are most often women. Research conducted in 2009 shows that nearly 70 percent of divorce cases were initiated by women.
- Research conducted by Professor Stephen Jenkins (chairman of the Council of the International Association for Research on Income and Wealth) shows that men get richer after divorce. But the Journal of Men’s Health notes that divorced men are more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure or strokes than married men.
- Divorced men are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide after divorce and are more prone to alcoholism, weight gain and mental health problems. The reason for this is male ego.
- Men often have their egos fed that the family was only held together by him, so his sense of self-worth was tied up in the marriage. Divorce and an empty apartment ruins all that. The man begins to experience a loss of self-esteem. His ego rebels against the situation. It is his ego that makes him angry, depressed, anxious, or desperate.
- More often than not, the court grants custody of the children to the wife who, out of revenge, limits the father’s ability to see them, believing that if he is no longer the husband, then he is no longer the parent. This is a hard thing for a man to live with. Not being able to spend time with their children is an added blow to fathers. It becomes a cause of mental suffering or can provoke an identity crisis.
- An amicable divorce is always cheaper. But if an amicable divorce settlement cannot be reached, then in most cases the man has to take care of the expenses: pay alimony, provide financial support.
- When a new family is created, the financial burden on the man doubles. As a consequence, the standard of living that husbands are used to decreases. This financial burden makes them more anxious and certainly weakens their well-being.
- Members of the stronger sex don’t look for help from others. They feel that if others recognize their feelings, then they will look pathetic, weak in their eyes. This inflating of emotions and demonization of men in failed marriages causes them to experience a storm of negative emotions.
The feelings of divorced men.
- The law is unfair. Wives often use children for their economic gain because they are driven by a desire for revenge or anger toward their former spouse.
- Ex-marital companions do not understand what it means to live away from children. It would be a good idea to pass a law allowing children to spend more days with their father if he behaves appropriately.
- Often an ex-wife will throw an economic hoop over her husband just when he really doesn’t have any money. Sometimes there are problems with creditors or no job, and the ex-wife won’t listen to your excuses, demanding money. In these extreme cases, men believe an agreement should be reached without continued friction or suspicion.
- Women believe that ex-husbands have an easier time going through a divorce because they don’t have to take care of the children all the time. This is wrong. A man experiences the same feelings that a divorced woman experiences. For example:
- low self-esteem
- Feelings that loss will never be overcome
- Fear of a new life, because he has to learn to live alone.
This becomes the cause of serious male mistakes.
Common mistakes men make in divorce
Going through the divorce process is usually not easy, as emotions make it difficult to make good decisions. To behave in a dignified, manly way, it is worth considering some common mistakes men make during a divorce so that they learn not to repeat them:
Uncontrolled anger. The situation is always somewhat tense when the reason for divorce is infidelity. But anger, anger or a desire for revenge only hinders the divorce process. Therefore, it is important to be sober and restrained in your words before making any decisions or in conversation. (We advise you to read the advice of psychologists on how to contain your anger and control rage).
Passivity. It, like anger, is another common male mistake. If the former spouse manipulates a man during the divorce process, then he has a chance to lose not only his property, but also his own respect.
Of course, divorce causes bad thoughts, but it should not be confused with passivity. A man should try to be rational by making positive decisions for both parties.
Property division. Usually, jointly acquired property is contested in a divorce by both spouses. It is not appropriate for a man to try to get back at his spouse when dividing property. It is best to divide according to fairness and the situation in which both parties remain.
Language intemperance. Of course, during the divorce process, it’s hard to remain calm and be smart not to stoop to the level of insults or threats, but being restrained is very important. Otherwise, intemperance will only hinder the process, making it harder and slower.
What not to do after the divorce
Let’s look at a few mistakes you should avoid at all costs to improve your chances of a man’s happy life after divorcing his wife.
- Digging into the past. Continuously scrolling through the past, not for the purpose of identifying his flaws that ruined the marriage, but for the purpose of self-injury or developing hatred for his former spouse – self-destruction of the man as such.
- Go out “hunting.” One of the worst pieces of advice is to find a replacement for the departed life partner immediately after the divorce, or better yet, several replacements. This way you can hardly take revenge or blunt the pain of loss. Rather, it will be a hindrance to finding a decent woman and build a new relationship with her.
- Trying to isolate yourself from others. Sometimes you will want to be alone, to rethink things, but it would be a mistake to isolate yourself for long periods of time. Step away from your imaginary “comfort zone,” for example, by going out with friends to relax, to unwind.
- Become a stalker. There is always the temptation to stalk your ex-girlfriend of life by following her on social media. But it’s much easier for a man to get over his wife’s divorce if he blocks (deletes) his ex from all of his social media accounts. Otherwise, after a few drinks with friends, there will be the temptation to dig into his ex-wife’s accounts to find out who she’s living with now and how? This trap only worsens your thoughts and certainly won’t improve your mood.
- Telling “your story” to everyone. This means your own hands to alienate not only other people, but also friends. Who wants to deal with a whiner? Try to restrain yourself.
- Give in to all sorts of things. Alcohol or drugs don’t help you get through a divorce with your wife, they only make things worse by developing an unhealthy addiction. If it’s impossible to give up alcohol, then control the level of consumption.
- Humiliate yourself by belittling your wife to come back. If she has a new family, then it is worth saying goodbye to the past, forgive yourself, try to forgive her and look to the future with optimism. Also think about your part in what happened. Rarely, only one person is responsible for the breakup of a family. Self-analysis of what happened will allow you to avoid the mistakes of your previous marriage in future relationships.
How to build a relationship with your ex-wife
Perhaps you have to often cross paths with your ex-wife, because you are bound by common children. Therefore, pay attention to psychologist’s tips on how to survive a divorce with his wife?
- Behave with restraint. Try to discuss only important or necessary issues. When you talk to a former life partner, speak briefly, preferably on the merits. This helps to keep the peace.
- Avoid abusive speech. Is she attacking you with her speech? Then be even more restrained. Don’t give in to her manipulation. Seeing that the conversation is getting out of control, just stop it by saying something like, “I will need time to think about what you are saying. So we’ll come back to this conversation later.”
- Separate your business from your ex-wife’s business as much as possible. This applies to legal, financial or medical matters.
How to be with the children
- Try not to let the children see you “falling apart.” At the same time, don’t be harsh, cruel with them, as if they are to blame for your problems with your ex-wife. After all, you divorced your wife, not your children, who are already having a hard time dealing with their parents’ divorce. (To learn more about how to behave properly with your children after a divorce, you can, read the article on this site).
- Honest conversations with your child will ease his unenviable plight of living with divorced parents, as well as help him find his place in the new reality. So your priority after the divorce should be your desire to support your child. This is your investment for the future.
- Don’t pour oil on the fire by using your children to blame your ex-spouse or take something from her. This will make their lives even more unbearable.
- Don’t make up for your absence with money. Many fathers feel guilty about their divorce, so they try to soften their guilt or show affection with money. This makes it hard for some fathers to say NO to their children’s economic demands. Try to understand that your child needs a father who doesn’t give you everything you want, but teaches you to achieve what you want through hard work. This is not how you raise consumers, but goal-oriented people.
Divorce is considered the second most stressful event in life for a reason, second only to losing a loved one. After it, your days will be different. Sometimes you wake up feeling great about your newfound freedom.
And sometimes the mood swings in the morning will drill you with the thought, “How could this happen that we got divorced?” That’s why you need to know how to get over your wife’s divorce and move on with your life? After all, life after the dissolution of the marriage does not end.
So it is better to consider the divorce that happened as a kind of step towards personal freedom. With the freed resources: money, time, forces you can spend them personally on yourself.
We recommend to see, advice Paul Bagryantsev, telling how men survive a divorce and overcome further heartache.
How to get over your wife’s divorce easily and quickly
The separation of two once loving people is always a tragedy. Men are experiencing this no less than women, although it is believed that the wives of the parting is given more difficult. Any breakup of a relationship is very difficult, and if you want to understand how to go through a divorce with your wife with the least amount of heartache, this article will help a lot. So, let’s look at the aspects you should pay special attention to.
What a man should be prepared for after a divorce
The breakup of a relationship is an ordeal for you and your spouse. Women and men experience stress in different ways. Wives usually share their worries with others, pouring out the pain. Husbands keep the pain to themselves, and it may seem that their emotions are less sharp – they are often accused of indifference. This is a misconception. From childhood, boys are taught to be more restrained in their feelings – in adulthood, the attitudes persist.
Statistics show that divorces are more often initiated by women, despite the fact that they are more likely to want to create a family. The stronger sex is more difficult to adjust to marriage, and to give up on what he was so thoroughly going to, it is very difficult.
If the separation occurred because of the man, it is not easy for him to survive a divorce from his wife. Usually they go to the new chosen one. The hardest part is getting over the first month after the divorce.
Typical behavior of men after the dissolution of the marriage
Regardless of what life was like in the marriage, after the divorce a man seeks out the pluses of the new situation, and finds them. Depression initially bypasses him. He enjoys the freedom of choice, and does not yet think about the fact that the divorce from his wife will be difficult. Those around him are convinced: the divorce is indifferent to him, he is happy and content.
For a long period of time the divorcee is really in a state of euphoria. Anticipates new acquaintances, seeks sexual relations. Can meet with several women at the same time, to realize dreams previously unavailable.
Euphoria can last a long time, but then comes disappointment. The whirlpool of new emotions is drowned out, there is a mental return to the past. Temporary partners turn out not to be as permanent, faithful, and “native” as the wife.
Not everyone realizes their newfound freedom through intimate relationships. Some are addicted to alcohol and other trappings of the bachelor’s life.
At first he will be surprised: it takes more time to maintain order than he thought. This will be a revelation to men who have not participated much in family life.
It also turns out that getting to know other women takes serious effort. Many men forget how to woo the opposite sex, what efforts have to be made to do so.
Tired of the cycle of dubious relationships, the divorced man begins to understand the benefits of marriage. Now he seeks a lasting relationship – a new family creation. He feels the need for a permanent partner.
Accustomed to living family life, some men begin to feel the emptiness, the lack of a person with whom they could always talk, discuss something. Free life is gradually losing its appeal.
Advice from a psychologist: how to get over a divorce with his wife as easily and quickly as possible
It is difficult for a man to go through a divorce with his wife. What recommendations do psychologists give?
Below is a list of the main ones :
- Wife left? Anger and resentment are natural reactions. It is not recommended to hold them back. How to let them out? Resentment and anger give you energy – channel them in a useful direction. Example: sports, career, new hobbies. Think about what you’ve dreamed about, and what dreams were impossible to realize in family life because of lack of funds, time and so on. It’s time to take up these things.
- Thinking about how to get over the divorce from his wife and worried about the separation from the children? The situation is complicated . The first important piece of advice is not to use the children in a divorce situation. Don’t try to get them on your side. They are under stress, and these wars will only make things worse. Don’t speak ill of their mother to the children. Take care of them – they do deserve a good mother, don’t take her away from them with bad words. Divorce is your and your spouse’s decision, others should not suffer for it.
- Notice suicidal tendencies, insomnia or depression? See a specialist immediately – the problem needs to be worked out with a psychologist. It is difficult for a man to get over himself and ask for help. Abroad it is normal practice, and a natural step to help you through a divorce with your wife.
- There are pluses in the current situation – you need to see them. Yes, the separation happened, you are now a bachelor. If feelings remain, the situation is not easy, but you have to look to the future, to abstract away from the present. How do you do this? Write a letter to yourself in the future! How do you want to see yourself in a year or five years? What do you need to do?
- Forget about alcohol . Breaking up a relationship is a complicated process, and alcohol only makes it more difficult. Don’t add to the stress.
- Leave your ex-wife alone. Revenge, blackmail, requests – unnecessary.
- Do not cultivate a sense of guilt, do not destroy self-esteem. Are you sure that you are guilty before your wife? Sincerely repent, apologize. This does not mean that she has to change her decision to break the union.
- Experiencing emotional pain? This is not the time for serious decisions! Impulsive actions are often harmful.
How to Get Over Your Wife’s Leaving
Do you want to get over your wife’s departure as quickly as possible? It all depends on the situation if your beloved has left:
The conclusion is obvious: you didn’t suit your wife, it would have happened anyway. It’s much better to go through this now than after another few years in the relationship. If you left now, you wouldn’t have a chance later. This woman needs another man – so you are also destined for another person. You just made a mistake in each other – find the strength to admit it.
Because of the material difficulties
Here there is a probability of the return of the spouse when the financial situation is established. Promises and persuasion will not bring her back – eventually the situation will repeat itself. You need to think about how to improve the financial situation – not just for the sake of the former spouse. Are you afraid that while you’re dealing with cases, his wife will find another man. Well, you will not be left at a loss – you will have money.
Because of the sexual incompatibility.
If incompatibility is insurmountable, do not torture each other. Give his wife to build marital happiness with the man who suits her in everything. Do not miss the chance to find a life partner with whom you will be compatible. It is much easier to find the right partner than to break yourself over someone who you are not, in fact, suitable for.
For the reason of cheating.
Depends on whose cheating. Have you cheated? Your wife has the right not to forgive you, and you have to accept it. Did she cheat? The question is whether she wants to go back. If so, consider why she did what she did. If she cares about your relationship, what drove her to have an affair on the side? Is it partly your fault? What does your inner voice tell you? Treason is often characteristic of repetition – if they happened, it is better to accept the fact that the person is not yours.
If there is a child
Having a child implies the most civilized divorce. Whatever you may feel hatred towards your ex-wife – the child should not suffer because of this. Take an active part in the life of a son (daughter) – spend time, take care of financially. Be a support and pillar, in spite of the disintegration of the family.
Typical mistakes men make when divorcing their wives.
Mistakes in the separation :
Communicating with the ex-spouse.
Rule: do not write, do not call, do not seek meetings. If there is a child, then resolve the issue of visits. Everything else is unnecessary. You want to quickly forget this marriage – completely stop all communication with his spouse, if possible. It will be difficult, but healing will come faster.
You need to create a kind of information vacuum. How do you do this? You do not seek any contact with the woman who has become past. You also do not look for her on social media, you do not look at her photos, you do not analyze her records. Don’t try to find out anything about her from mutual acquaintances – they will tell her, you will look pathetic. Allow your emotions to subside, rid yourself of the informational influence. Turn your attention to other things. The task is difficult, breakdowns are possible.
When trying to switch, make the right choices. Forgetting in a drunken or narcotic binge is a huge mistake, a path to self-destruction. At first, addictions work. But would a decent man choose that path. Or do you want your ex to make sure that you are not worthy of her? This method can be used once or twice with friends – talk it out and start a new life. Becoming an alcoholic is not necessary.
Involvement of Outsiders
Do not drag other people into your problems. Leave your complaints, experiences for a personal diary. Especially utopian way: to tell how horrible the former chosen one is, trying to rise on her background. Why is that? You’re a man, not a gossip girl. Enough to talk to the closest, if otherwise you can not pull yourself together. Others are unlikely to be interested in your problems. The pain of separation will be blunted, and you will remain in the eyes of friends sufferer.
Talking about your ex-wife in a negative way
Insult and anger – destructive feelings. What do they lead to? To unnecessary words, actions. Many men humiliate themselves by insulting their previous choice, the ex-wife. What can you say about the man who says disgusting things about the one with whom there were many happy unforgettable days, with whom there was a common life and bed?
Your revelations will humiliate the former chosen one, but you will be humiliated no less. Usually people are annoyed by such complaints, and cause internal negativity not to the subject of discussion, but to the person discussing.
Immediately rushing into a new relationship
Typical mistake of women and men. Deal with the past – look for the future. The reason for seeking a new relationship? Revenge of an ex. A fleeting desire that later causes regret. A fake relationship is acquired, taking up a major life milestone, leading to new stress.
Casual sex at first distracts, increases self-esteem. It’s important to stop in time – before the moment when new faces cause boredom, devastation. Casual encounters happen with individuals who are easily available. Why bring a string of unworthy women into your life? It is better to sleep alone than with such ladies. Take a break from the opposite sex, take care of yourself: appearance, self-development.
Destructive Feeling. Feeling guilty is normal. You take responsibility for yourself – commendable for a man. Relationships are the work of two, responsibility is shared. Be honest with yourself, analyze what happened. What part did you play in the divorce? What was her fault? Thorough analysis will provide answers. If indeed you are to blame – sincerely apologize. Self-mutilation is unnecessary.
How to behave properly after the parting with his wife.
Many men after separation behave very undignified, trying to look better on the background of a woman as they think. You should not humiliate yourself, much less a woman with whom you once had so much to do. Stay human in any situation.