Tips for those in a relationship with a married man
A day without a book is a bad day. Experienced editor, ruthless but fair critic.
The expert is Victoria Fomina.
Physician sexologist of the highest category, psychiatrist, psychotherapist. I have been working as a sexologist for over 10 years. I help couples solve problems in sexuality.
Relationships with married couples have been condemned throughout time. And even today, when many moral principles have fallen into oblivion, connection with a married man is still condemned in the “face” or behind the back.
Before we give girls sound advice about relationships with married men, give them a little bonus – a checklist for a healthy relationship. And it consists of three important points on which at all times were built a long and harmonious relationship.
The question of confidence.
The most important thing in any relationship is confidence in yourself and your partner. Each of us has certain expectations that we place on the one we love. Unlike free men, married men often do not count their strength when they build a parallel relationship. The woman is deprived of affection, attention and care, and suffers madly from this. Answer the questions for yourself and find out how strong your connection is:
- Can you call your partner your support? You need to know for sure that you won’t be alone in a time of need. Beloved to share with you both sorrow and joy? Near him you should feel safe.
- Do you feel that you have a future together? It does not matter how long you want a relationship. It is important not to feel alone and not to wait every day to break up.
If you answered “yes” to all the questions, then congratulations! Your relationship has a solid foundation.
Do not close your eyes to doubts. Think about the issues and decide, do you need that kind of love? Discuss the issue with the man you love. A relationship is a work in progress together. Let it be daily and productive.
A question of trust
An affair with a married man can only be built on intimacy. Of course, such a relationship has a right to exist. But for many women, an emotional connotation is important in love. This point is for romantic individuals.
If you need a soul connection, do not neglect it for the comfort of your partner. Your demands are just as important as his. Check what you are unknowingly depriving yourself of:
- Do you feel a wall between you? You don’t spend much time together, you rarely go on dates. You have nothing to discuss and any conversation leads to awkward silence. This is a sign of mental incompatibility!
- How secretive is he? Your intimacy is defined only in bed. The man avoids many topics, does not share plans and news. Chances are, he will never open up to you. Anything more than sex doesn’t interest him.
- Can you talk frankly with him? Not all problems, plans and emotions can be discussed with family and friends. Sometimes you want to hear your loved one’s opinion, feel his warmth. Partner inattentive to you or asks “not to load” him? Believe me, it’s a warning sign.
Define the boundaries of communication with your loved one and your comfort level. Do not oppress your own interests and do not justify a man’s “complicated nature. Remember, you deserve the best!
The question of reliability
Free relationships do not require the frequent presence of partners in each other’s lives. In this case, reliability is built on the ability not to reveal the secret relationship to outsiders.
But suddenly you expect to be in a couple for a long time? The future together is built on big plans and household minutiae:
How often does he keep his promises? A responsible man will show himself from the start. He does not throw words to the wind, does not procrastinate on matters and does not avoid direct answers to questions. Such a man will not forget promises and vows.
Your man does not fit the description. Be prepared that the future with him will turn into an ordeal. But if you don’t want to let a lover into your life, you don’t have to follow the points. Make your partner’s point of view to avoid future misunderstandings.
Tips, arguments, recommendations – how to be happy with a married man?
And now let’s move on to specific tips on how not to lose yourself in connection with a married man and find a chance for a long harmonious relationship.
Do not call and do not write!
First and most importantly, do not try to work things out with his wife. The sudden appearance of another woman in the family will lead to a conflict situation. You are unlikely to get a positive reaction to a call or message.
Don’t get a divorce – he’s on his own!
Trying to speed up the divorce process will bring turmoil into someone else’s family. Your man will face tantrums, jealousy and recriminations from his wife. Scandals will bring no joy to anyone: he will be upset or angry, and you will have to take the blow for yourself. At best, the case will end with your quarrel.
Do not be friends with his wife!
Remember, even if his wife is aware of your relationship, you should not try to fix the relationship. She will have enough stress until the divorce is finalized. Communication will not lead to friendship and will only turn her against you.
Of course, waiting months for your loved one’s divorce is unbearable. One wants stability, family life and getting rid of the “mistress status”. In any case, only a responsible man decides all questions!
The ultimatum – divorce or separation
If a man pulls on the divorce and feeds endless promises, it’s time for a serious conversation. Gather your strength and put him a strict condition: divorce or we’re breaking up. He may be difficult to prepare the ground for a frank conversation with his wife. Remind him that sooner or later it will have to do. If you originally planned a long and happy family life, it will not happen without a divorce.
Set yourself a deadline.
Together, mark a time frame. During this time, your partner should deal with the issue of divorce. You don’t have to rush him every day. At the end of the deadline, discuss the results. Act decisively, coldly, but without pressure.
Speak directly about your feelings.
Many men don’t know how to read a hint. Don’t be offended if he doesn’t notice your worries and mood changes. Be honest about your emotions. Tell him what you’re afraid of and what upsets you.
Do not forget to ask about his feelings! Let him talk to you about his inner problems!
Give him confidence.
Secret relationships are stressful not only for the girl, but also for the man. He may feel guilty about his wife and be afraid to make a decisive move. Do not reproach him for his weakness. Support your beloved in his hour of need. Together you can do it!
Of course, any patience comes to an end. If the burden of secrecy suffocates, and the soul is filled with fear of the future, you should think about the separation. Weigh all the pros and cons, take the man to a serious conversation and draw conclusions from the results.
Other people’s children are the flowers of life!
If your chosen one has children, this fact may postpone your reunion. Most often in a divorce, the little ones stay with their mother, and separating with the children stops a man from leaving the family.
Discuss the issue on the shore early in the relationship. Think about whether you are ready to wait and endure his tossing and turning. And will you be able to accept the children of your beloved, who will be constantly present in your life?
Remember, mistress from the word love! This is fine, but in order not to suffer, reflect on each point of this little article. Realize your current situation, try to find a compromise with your lover, and let your life together be easy and happy.
Excursus into the relationship of lovers, or married frolicking, but suffer.
Sooner or later the attraction between two people turns into a romantic relationship, if both agree to this turn of events. There is no shortcut to describing the term: the concept is multi-component and multifaceted. For the relationship is taken as a set of given to each other emotions, intimacy and shared pastime. In the absence of even one component they would be incomplete. “What about a lovers’ relationship, then?” – you ask. In such a union, sexual passion dominates, and the other elements are either absent or can be neglected, so few of them. How do such relationships develop and what is their possible future? Are there rules by which lovers live? The answers to these and other exciting questions we will cover in this article.
Stages of such a relationship
Everything in this world goes through certain stages of development. You can not get a tall beautiful tree without gradually growing it from a cuttings or seeds. So any relationship, including that between lovers, goes through stages of growth. To better understand what awaits you as a result of an affair on the side, we propose to study the stages of development of such a union:
- Acquaintance. At this point, you probably have no idea how things will turn out later. After a fleeting glance, the first greeting is pronounced, and you will feel a slight sensual infatuation, like a whiff of spring breeze. After acquaintance you will begin to remember this person, at first the image will appear randomly in your head, and then it will be almost impossible to throw him out of your thoughts. At this stage, it is difficult to make predictions, but it is the moment of sympathy and passion that pushes many people to continue communication.
- Courtship. Sleepless nights provoke you to be proactive. You make attempts to court the person you like. If this is a woman, everything goes according to the typical scenario: bouquets, chocolates, compliments. If it is a man, you usually go for cooking borsch, revealing outfits and unambiguous hints. During this period, incipient feelings gradually acquire a clear direction: you want to possess the person regardless of any obstacles. If everything turns out well, the object of passion reciprocates, and your voluptuous dreams become a reality.
- You find out that your date is single. What a surprise! It turns out that you are in a relationship with a married lover or a married mistress. Maybe someone told you about the fact that your spouse has a stamp in his passport, or she herself admitted it. It doesn’t really matter, what matters is your attitude toward your lover or mistress using you to satisfy their sexual needs, despite being officially married. Receiving such information is a painful blow for someone who has already become attached to a partner.
- The wife or husband finds out about the affair. Rarely does the relationship between a man and woman lovers remain a secret. Hiding all the signs of cheating and constantly coming up with plausible explanations for their long absence is very difficult. Therefore, sooner or later the official spouse will still find out about the love affair and make reasonable claims to the other half, and possibly to you. The secret always comes out.
- Bottom line: together or apart. After you have been disclosed, you both have to make a decision: will your relationship continue or will you remain former lovers? When your partner is truly in love, he or she may well leave your spouse in order to build marital happiness with you. But don’t have any false illusions until you are sure of the real intentions of your mistress or lover. If he feeds you breakfasts for a long time and pays less and less time, staying in the family circle, it is likely that nothing serious is going to happen. In this case, lovers simply do not have the courage to do the right thing, do not break up the relationship and are waiting for a decisive step from you.
Such periods are characteristic of relationships between men, women and their lovers. Some get stuck in the third stage and settle for a supporting role, settling for little. At heart, they dream of shared happiness with the person they love, but do not make a claim for fear of losing him forever. Right or wrong, it is quite difficult to understand, especially if you find yourself in such a love triangle for the first time. The psychology of relationships of lovers is complicated, and not everyone manages to keep their cool and listen to the voice of reason. However, there is a certain set of rules, worked out from other people’s mistakes and victories. You have a wonderful opportunity to familiarize yourself with it and learn important things about lovers’ relationships.
Lover’s Rules of Conduct
Relationships with married and married lovers can be enjoyed if you behave in the right way. In addition to attention and quality sex, the following elements of behavior are usually required of a partner:
- Stay out of the family. Such actions can irritate your lover or mistress. They are well aware that they are doing wrong to their official second halves and to you as well. They will only make the decision themselves, and your oppression will only provoke a wave of negativity.
- Do not control. You have no authority to demand reports from your partner. There is no need to constantly ask: “Where were you? Why didn’t you pick up the phone? I’m worried!”. Believe me, spouses of lovers torment their other halves with such conversations on a regular basis. It is not necessary to escalate the situation by communicating with a sexual partner, tormented by the suspicions of the official other half.
- Reduce emotional passions. Tantrums because of jealousy and various claims – not your path. The fact is that if you count on a positive outcome of a free relationship with a lover or mistress, you must behave more than correctly. We want to stay as long as possible with someone with whom we are comfortable and cozy. Angry sarcastic people who cause a lot of problems are unlikely to stay in anyone’s life for long. The psychology of relationships with married lovers is this: be better than their legal mates in terms of behavior, and increase your chances of your union succeeding.
- Try not to fall in love . Long-term relationships between lovers are not uncommon, but breakups after years of shared pleasures are also very common. Try not to get stuck to your partner, so that later you do not have to cut your veins from unrequited feelings. Make love and not fall in love is possible only for units, so at least do not indulge yourself in vain hopes. Do not dream every night of an unrealistic future, be in this situation pessimistic.
- Maintain personal independence. All past advice should be applied to you. Do not allow yourself to be controlled, do not tolerate jealous complaints and scandals. Live for yourself and never infringe on your interests in favor of your sexual partner. Don’t run to him if you have already arranged with your friends, sleep at home instead of a date when you are tired like a dray horse and have to get up for work at six in the morning tomorrow. Until your lover or mistress makes the final choice in your favor, do not waste your life energy to your detriment. The psychology of the relationship between a man and a woman lover includes such concepts as independence and mutual enjoyment of each other.
These rules have summarized the approximate requirements of lovers. But even if you will strictly adhere to them, it will not insure you from possible problems.
Problems in the relationship
Naturally, such a risky relationship carries a lot of dangers. If you like adrenaline, and in general little afraid of anything, then you should even be interested to walk on a razor blade. But mere mortals are sure to be wary of such problems in the relationship of lovers:
- Possible pregnancy. In a fit of passion, you can forget everything, including contraception. When a woman has a baby under her heart as a result of an unholy relationship, problems begin on both sides. The man is tossing and turning, not knowing how to make the right choice. And the mother-to-be decides whether to leave her child and live with the shame or go to sin. Of course, sometimes women provoke conception, in order to keep her lover near her. But such a “crafty” way will hardly be fruitful, and it will definitely cause a lot of problems.
- Publicity of the relationship. It is practically impossible to hide the relationship with your lover. There will always be random witnesses. Just watch the ubiquitous old ladies at the porches: they are so attentive, that they will handicap even private detectives. Besides you can catch yourself, for example, bringing home the scent of someone else’s toilet water. And the phone with suspicious messages can not always keep under your pillow. In general, if the public learns about the vicious relationship, then the discussion and persecution can not be avoided. There are cases when participants of adultery have to flee to another city to get rid of the stones flying in their garden.
- Stalking a lover or mistress. It’s great if you’re both happy with this noncommittal communication scheme. But, traditionally, one of the participants wants to get married, destroying the already existing family of the other. It often happens that you seem to have broken the vicious circle, but a former lover or mistress wants to resume the relationship and begin to pursue you with persuasions. Expectations are not met, you keep refusing, and then the next danger awaits you.
- The threat of blackmail. The situation with the relationship between present and former lovers can get out of hand. Under the influence of strong emotions and resentment, men and women stoop to blackmail. By threatening to tell your wife or husband about the intimate relationship, they put you in an impossible situation. You do not want to stay with them, but also parting with the official other half – a disappointing prospect.
The problems and the possible consequences of a relationship of lovers are significant, and how long you will work them out – God only knows. It is impossible to predict the course of events, because of love and passion can blow the roof so that nothing will save a person from the hasty decisions.
How to break up the relationship?
On the parting with a lover or mistress is not so easy to decide. After all, you were connected not only in bed: emotions, tenderness, nice words. But sooner or later you have to make a difficult choice, and if it is made in favor of the family, it is a truly wise decision. To protect yourself from negative consequences as much as possible, you must develop the right tactics for breaking up. How to break up properly:
- Talk in person. You shouldn’t disappear by blacklisting the person. It’s so humiliating and hurtful that it can cause a just wave of anger and a thirst for revenge. Dropping a text message and a short phone call isn’t the best option either. Show respect and invite your lover or mistress to your last date. You should calmly explain your point of view and thank them for all the good things that have happened between you.
- Break up the relationship if your partner doesn’t agree. No advice on the psychology of the relationship between a woman and a lover or a man and a lover will not give you a guarantee that you will peacefully separate if necessary. You should not pull the cat by the tail if you see your partner’s desire to keep you. Tear up everything and at once, let it hurt, but the sooner the relationship ends, the sooner the suffering will be released. Reducing the number of meetings, arguing about and without, disappearing and appearing – all this is not suitable as a wise decision to break up a relationship with lovers.
The psychology of a relationship between lovers is quite complex. Both participants in such a relationship play a dangerous game on each other’s feelings. No matter how long the lovers’ relationship lasts, the breakup for one of them is likely to be painful and leave an imprint on the rest of their lives. So think about where such an alliance can lead you and whether you need to continue to live in tension and waiting for a miracle.