Relationships in the family

Types of family relationships and parenting article on

Each family objectively develops a certain, not always conscious of her upbringing system. Can be allocated 4 tactics of education in the family and corresponding to them 4 types of family relationships, which are a prerequisite and result of their occurrence: diktat, tutelage, “non-interference” and cooperation.

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Types of family relationships and upbringing

Every family objectively has a certain, not always realized by it, system of upbringing. Here we mean both understanding of the goals of education, and the formulation of its objectives, and more or less focused application of methods and techniques of education, taking into account what can and can not be allowed in respect of the child.

There may be distinguished 4 tactics of upbringing in the family and corresponding to them 4 types of family relationships, which are prerequisite and result of their occurrence: dictate, trusteeship, “non-interference” and cooperation.

Diktat in the family manifests itself in the systematic behavior of some members of the family (mainly adults) of the initiative and sense of dignity of other family members.

Parents, of course, can and should impose requirements on their child, based on the purposes of upbringing, norms of morality, specific situations in which pedagogically and morally justified decisions should be made. However, those of them who prefer an order and violence to all kinds of influence, face the resistance of the child, who responds to pressure, coercion, threats with his countermeasures: hypocrisy, deceit, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance is broken, many valuable qualities of the personality are broken together with it: independence, self-esteem, initiative, belief in oneself and one’s capabilities. Unconditional authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, the systematic deprivation of his right to vote in matters relating to him – all this guarantees serious failures in the formation of his personality.

Guardianship in the family is a system of relationships in which the parents, by ensuring that all of the child’s needs are met, shield the child from any worries, efforts and hardships by taking them upon themselves. The question of the active formation of personality recedes into the background. In the center of educational influences there is another problem – the satisfaction of the child’s needs and shielding him from hardships. Parents, in fact, block the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality outside the home. It is these children who turn out to be more unfit for life in the collective. According to psychological observations, it is this category of children who give the greatest number of breakdowns at a transitional age. It is precisely these children, who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, begin to rebel against excessive parental care. If the dictate implies violence, orders, rigid authoritarianism, then custody – care, shielding from difficulties. However the result in many respects coincides: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow removed from the decision of the questions personally concerning them, and the more general problems of the family.

The system of the interpersonal relations in the family based on recognition of a possibility and even expediency of independent existence of adults from children can be generated by tactics of “non-interference”. Thus it is supposed that two worlds can coexist – adults and children, and neither of them should cross the line marked in this way. More often than not, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as tutors.

Cooperation as a type of relations in the family assumes mediation of interpersonal relations in the family by the general purposes and tasks of joint activity, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation the selfish individualism of the child is overcome. Family, where the leading type of relationship is a collaboration, takes on a special quality, becomes a group of high level of development – a team.

The style of family upbringing is understood as a way of parental relations with the child. Any disharmony in the family leads to adverse consequences in the development of the child’s personality and to problems in his or her behavior.

For a choice of the most acceptable style of family upbringing let’s consider all available types of upbringing styles and consequences of their application.

1. authoritarian style of family upbringing

Under the authoritarian style of upbringing parents suppress the initiative of the child, rigidly direct and control his actions and deeds. Raising, they use physical punishments for the slightest offenses, coercion, shouting, prohibitions. Children are deprived of parental love, affection, care and sympathy. Such parents care only that the child grows up to be obedient and compliant. But children grow up to be either insecure, timid, neurotic, unable to stand up for themselves, or on the contrary, aggressive, authoritarian, conflictual. Such children have trouble adapting to society and the world around them.

Parents strictly supervise performance of homework by younger students, to the point that they stand beside and press on the child in an attempt to get him or her to act independently. Children use a variety of tricks to protect themselves, such as: crying, show their helplessness. As a result of such measures children lose the desire to learn, they have difficulty concentrating during the teacher’s explanations or when preparing lessons.

With parents, such children may appear calm and docile, but as soon as the threat of punishment disappears, the child’s behavior becomes unmanageable. As the child grows older, he or she becomes increasingly intolerant of the demands of authoritarian parents. In adolescence, frequent conflicts can lead to an unfortunate outcome.

Liberal and permissive style of family upbringing (hypopedic)

In the liberal and permissive style communication with the child is based on the principle of permissiveness. For self-assertion, the child uses caprices, demands “Give!”, “Me!”, “I want!”, and is demonstratively offended. The child does not understand the word “I have to!” and does not carry out the instructions and requirements of adults. For parents with a liberal-passive style of communication, the inability or unwillingness to direct and guide the child is typical.

As a consequence, the child grows up to be a selfish, conflicted, constantly dissatisfied person, which does not give him or her a chance to engage in normal social relations with people.

At school such a child can have frequent conflicts because he or she is not accustomed to giving in.

3. The hyper-pedagogical style of family upbringing

With a hyper-pedagogical style of upbringing, parents deprive the child of independence in physical, mental, and social development. They are constantly at his/her side, solving his/her problems for him/her. They overprotect and patronize him, fearing and worrying about his health.

The child grows up infantile, unsure of himself, neuroticized, anxious. Subsequently, he/she has difficulties in socialization.

4. alienated style of family upbringing

In the aloof style of family upbringing, relations imply deep indifference of parents to the personality of the child. Parents “don’t notice” the child, they are not interested in his or her development and spiritual inner world. Actively avoiding communication with him or her, keeping him or her at a distance. Such an indifferent attitude from parents makes the child lonely and deeply unhappy, unsure of himself. He or she loses the desire to communicate, and aggression towards people can form.

5. Chaotic style of family upbringing

Some psychologists distinguish a chaotic style of family upbringing, characterized by the absence of a single consistent approach to child rearing. It arises from disagreements between parents in the choice of means and methods of upbringing. Conflicts in the family are becoming more and more frequent; parents constantly clarify their relationship with each other and quite often in the presence of the child, which leads to the occurrence of neurotic reactions in the child. The child needs stability and availability of clear concrete guidelines in his or her assessments and behavior. Parents who use different styles of upbringing and communication deprive the child of this stability, forming an anxious, insecure, impulsive, in some cases aggressive, uncontrollable personality.

6. Democratic style of family upbringing

In a democratic style of upbringing parents encourage any initiative of the child, independence, help them, take into account their needs and requirements. They express their love and goodwill to the child, play with him/her on topics which are interesting to him/her. Parents allow children to participate in discussions of family problems and take their opinions into account when making decisions. And also in their turn demand meaningful behavior from children, show firmness and consistency in the observance of discipline.

The child is in an active position, which gives him experience of self-management, increases his confidence in himself and his strengths. Children in such families listen to the advice of their parents, know the word “must”, and are able to discipline themselves and build relationships with their classmates. Children grow up to be active, inquisitive, independent, full-fledged personalities with a developed sense of dignity and responsibility for the people close to them.

The democratic style of upbringing, as many psychologists claim, is the most effective style of family upbringing.

The preschooler sees himself through the eyes of the adults who are raising him. If assessments and expectations in the family do not correspond to age and individual features of the child, his or her view of him or herself will appear distorted.

M.I. Lisina has traced the development of self-concept of preschool children depending on features of family upbringing. Children with an accurate self-concept are brought up in families where parents give them enough time; positively assess their physical and mental data, but do not consider their level of development to be higher than that of most peers; predict good school performance. These children are often encouraged, but not with gifts; they are punished mostly by refusing to socialize. Children with an undervalued self-image grow up in families where they are not dealt with, but require obedience; they are poorly evaluated, often rebuked, punished, sometimes in front of strangers; they are not expected to do well at school and make significant achievements in later life.

Adequate and inadequate behavior of the child depends on conditions of upbringing in the family.

Children who have low self-esteem are dissatisfied with themselves. This occurs in a family where parents are constantly reprimanding the child, or setting overrated goals for the child. The child feels that he does not meet his parents’ expectations. (Do not tell your child that he or she is ugly, this gives rise to complexes that are impossible to get rid of later).

Inadequacy can also manifest itself with inflated self-esteem. This happens in a family where a child is often praised, and gifts are given for little things and achievements (the child gets used to material rewards). The child is punished very seldom, the system of requirements is very soft.

Adequate representation – here it is necessary to have a flexible system of punishments and praises. Admiration and praise in front of him or her is excluded. Rarely gifts are given for actions. Extreme harsh punishments are not used.

In families where children grow up with high, but not overestimated self-esteem, attention to the child’s personality (his or her interests, tastes, relations with friends) is combined with sufficient exactingness. Here, they do not resort to humiliating punishments and willingly praise when the child deserves it. Children with low self-esteem (not necessarily very low) enjoy more freedom at home, but this freedom, in fact, – uncontrollability, a consequence of parents’ indifference to children and to each other.

Parents also set the initial level of the child’s pretensions – what he or she pretends to be in learning activities and relationships. Children with a high level of pretensions, exaggerated self-esteem and prestige motivation count only on success. Their ideas about the future are equally optimistic.

Children with a low level of pretensions and low self-esteem do not aspire to much in the future or in the present. They do not set high goals for themselves and constantly doubt their abilities, quickly resign themselves to the level of achievement that is formed at the beginning of education.

Anxiety can become a personality trait at this age. High anxiety acquires stability at constant dissatisfaction with study on the part of parents. Suppose a child falls ill, falls behind his or her classmates, and it is difficult for him or her to join in the learning process. If temporary difficulties he or she experiences irritate adults, there is anxiety, fear of doing something bad, incorrectly. The same result is achieved in a situation when the child studies successfully enough, but parents expect more and make exaggerated, unrealistic demands.

Because of the growth of anxiety and the low self-esteem associated with it, academic achievement is reduced and failure is reinforced. Self-doubt leads to a number of other features – desire to mindlessly follow the instructions of the adult, to act only according to samples and patterns, fear to show initiative, formal assimilation of knowledge and ways of action.

Adults, dissatisfied with the dropping productivity of the child’s educational work, concentrate more and more on these issues in interaction with the child, which intensifies emotional discomfort. The vicious circle appears: the child’s unfavorable personal features are reflected in his or her educational activity, low productivity of activity causes the corresponding reaction of peers, and this negative reaction, in turn, strengthens the features formed in the child. It is possible to break this circle by changing the parents’ attitudes and assessments. Close adults, concentrating attention on the slightest achievements of the child. By not criticizing him or her for his or her individual faults, they lower the level of anxiety and in this way promote successful performance of educational assignments.

The second variant is demonstrativeness – a personality trait associated with a heightened need for success and attention of others. The source of demonstrativeness usually becomes lack of attention of adults to children who feel neglected, “unloved” in the family. But it happens that the child is given sufficient attention, but it is not satisfied due to the hypertrophied need for emotional contacts. Excessive demands to adults are made not by neglected children, but on the contrary, by the most spoiled ones. Such a child will seek attention, even violating the rules of behavior. (“It is better to let them scold, than not to notice”). The task of adults is to do without lectures and admonitions, to make remarks as less emotionally as possible, to ignore minor transgressions and to punish for major ones (for example, by not planning to go to the circus). This is much more difficult for an adult than treating an anxious child with care.

If for the anxious child, the main problem is the constant disapproval of adults, then for the demonstrative child, it is a lack of praise.

The third variant – “departure from reality”. It is observed in cases when in children demonstrativeness is combined with anxiety. These children also have a strong need for attention to themselves, but they cannot realize it thanks to their anxiety. They are not noticeable, they are afraid to cause disapproval by their behavior and aspire to meet the requirements of adults. The unsatisfied need for attention leads to increase of even greater passivity, inconspicuity, which complicates the already insufficient contacts. If adults encourage children’s activity, pay attention to the results of their educational activity and look for ways of creative self-realization, a relatively easy correction of their development is achieved.

To achieve the educational goals in the family, parents turn to a variety of means of influence: encourage and punish the child, trying to become a model for him/her. As a result of reasonable use of incentives, children’s development as a personality can be accelerated and made more successful than when using prohibitions and punishments. If there is still a need for punishments, then in order to increase the educational effect, the punishment, if possible, should follow directly after the offense which deserves it. Punishment should be fair but not severe. A very severe punishment can cause fear or embitterment in a child. Punishment is more effective if the misbehavior for which he is punished is reasonably explained to him. Any physical punishment forms the child’s belief that he, too, can act forcefully when he is not satisfied with something.

With the arrival of the second child, the privileges of the older sibling are usually limited. The older child now has to, and often unsuccessfully, reacquire parental attention, which is usually directed more toward the younger children.

Specific conditions for upbringing develop in the so-called incomplete family, where one of the parents is absent. Boys much more acutely than girls perceive the absence of the father in the family; without fathers, they are often bullied and restless.

Family breakdown has a negative effect on parent-child relationships, especially between mothers and sons. Due to the fact that parents themselves are disturbed mentally, they usually lack the strength to help their children cope with the problems that arise at just the time in life when they especially need their love and support.

After the divorce of their parents, boys often become uncontrollable, they lose self-control and at the same time exhibit excessive anxiety. These characteristic features of behavior are especially noticeable during the first months of life after a divorce, and they flatten out by the age of two. The same pattern, but with less pronounced negative symptoms, is observed in the behavior of girls after parental divorce.

Thus, in order to maximize the positive and minimize the negative effects of the family on a child’s upbringing, intrafamilial psychological factors of educational importance must be remembered:

Family Relationships.

A family is a community of people who are united by the bonds of marriage or blood kinship. They share a common household, goals, responsibilities, moral standards and traditions. Family relationships represent warm feelings toward parents and children as well as other relatives. They are based on support, help, and mutual assistance in times of need. It is very important to build a family, knowing exactly why such a union is necessary.

Peculiarities of the psychology of family relationships

The main psychological points are:

• The purpose of creating a family. It can be for living together with the acceleration of the development of each spouse, the birth of children and their upbringing.
• The choice of the other half. Assumes the acquisition of knowledge by a man and a woman about the creation of a family, as well as active personal development, knowledge of a potential partner.
• Building and living a healthy family relationship. It will take genuine knowledge, time, and effort. There is no real family without love, decency, humanity, faithfulness, as well as care and support, understanding and patience. Every child is the future, the continuation of the family. Children must be raised seriously and responsibly, so that they can be successful, healthy and well-behaved individuals. It is preferable that the spouses develop spiritually and help each other in such an endeavor.
• Getting through family crises involves maintaining a good, healthy relationship after all difficulties have been overcome. Each spouse and family member should not be enemies, but partners and allies who have common plans, are interested in the lives of others and solve all issues together. Everyone in the family must develop.
• All family members should be interested in preserving family values and traditions.

Relationships in the family are a solid foundation for building a life together. Harmony and well-being can only be in a family where the relationship between husband and wife, as well as the rest of the members, is built competently. Every loved one needs care, love and support, as well as mutual respect.

In conflict situations, which cannot be avoided, it is necessary to find compromise solutions, to pay attention to the problems of others. This is what a real family is all about. It is incomparable to a loose relationship between a man and a woman. Thus, a strong healthy family relationship is built on deep love, not just attraction and passion, as well as mutual feelings, responsibility and mutual understanding. Real feeling is an interchange of energies between two people who love and appreciate each other.

What kind of relationships are there in families?

Every family forms its own type of relationship. It is based on life experience, upbringing, and professional characteristics. There are several types:

• Classic – comfortable for all household members type, which is characterized by stability and harmony. In such a relationship lives love, mutual respect and support. Each conflict issue is solved calmly, the viewpoints and aspirations of all are taken into account. Such full-fledged families serve as examples for children, instilling morals and culture of behavior. However, this idyll is not common. As a rule, we see mixed models.
• Patriarchy – in such a family they create and preserve continuity of ties, honor traditions. The leading position in this relationship is occupied by a man. He makes key decisions, supports the rest of the family, and also serves as an example for his environment. Such a marriage is strong, it rarely falls apart. Such relationships of spouses may be characterized by strict control (only the word of the man is the law), honor and respect of the man without general control (partial patriarchy).
• Matriarchy – the mother is the leader. Here the father may be absent at all.

Women’s leading role is conditioned by the following: age, material security, experience. The spouse may be a creative person, a “servant” ready to fulfill the whims of his or her woman, as well as incapable of making decisions due to life circumstances. In such a relationship, everyone develops, doing their favorite things. There is practically no infringement of rights, but the spouse always has the decisive word in the family council.

• The emotional variety, where passions rage. In these families, both spouses are very temperamental and consider themselves unique. However, there is no mutual understanding between the spouses, so there are often conflicts and violent quarrels. Their life resembles fireworks.
• The type where the husband and wife have their own interests, goals. In this case, there is a disconnected life of the spouses. Although they do not look like that to their surroundings. In such marriages, often the husband and wife live at a distance, but it does not prevent them from being happy. Such a relationship is not in danger of breaking up for a long time. The spouses feel comfortable. And only a change of life views of one of them, arising misunderstanding on one side, as well as a change of point of view in relation to family values and marriage can lead the family to divorce.
• Despotism is an unhealthy variety that is characterized by the presence of a tyrant in the person of one of the couple. It is characterized by authority, rudeness, the desire to control loved ones, suppressing their will. A peculiarity in relations is the presence of a dominant position. Only the despots themselves have voting rights. They rigidly control the state and distribution of the budget, tend to manipulate relatives, pressuring them emotionally. There may even be cases of physical abuse. The union dissolves when the strength to tolerate such tyranny runs out. Often a painful situation cannot be resolved due to the fact that the housemates become materially dependent on the despot.
• Mutual dependence on each other. This model is the most common. In this relationship, there is a fixation of each partner on the other. The couple practically lives each other, giving warmth, care and love to each other, idealizing their other half. Sometimes this focus becomes even dangerous, entailing problems and suffering. Usually after divorce, both partners suffer from loneliness for a long time, they have feelings of emptiness and longing for their old life.
• A friendly family relationship is based on complete understanding, support, and care. Everyone has common dreams, interests, tasks. Peculiarity consists in the absence or weak expression of physical affection.
• The parent-child model usually assumes a big difference in age of spouses. Both husbands and wives could be older. The older ones are caring, nurturing, and often raise their younger partners.

Principles of Family Relationships

The basic principles in family relationships are:

• Tolerance is a quality that involves the skill of taking into account the point of view of one’s other half. One should love one’s soulmate, not idealizing, but accepting all their minuses and peculiarities as parts of individuality.
• Prioritization – the skill of highlighting the main goals, tasks. Not every question requires an immediate answer and search for a solution. And in a pointless dispute only heats up the situation and wastes vital energy. One should pay attention to what is really necessary at the moment and potentially dangerous for a happy life.
• Compromise is the skill of giving in, which leads to family well-being and harmony.
• The ability to communicate constructively is the key to mutual understanding and getting the information you need. It is necessary not to hide feelings, emotions from the partner. Husbands and wives who are able to empathize with each other always provide the necessary support in difficult situations. Sometimes it is necessary just to remain silent, so as not to cause trouble for a loved one.
• A joint budget involves shared income and expenses. It matters how the money received is distributed, regardless of its source.
• Shared plans are an indication that the couple is ready to live a long and prosperous life together. Unanimous planning in the family is a sign of trust and understanding.
• Friendly attitude, delicacy of remarks, satisfaction in terms of sex are very important moments of a happy family life.

What is the secret of a happy marriage?

A happy marital relationship is one of love, unanimity, trust, understanding, and warmth and support. But both partners must participate in their construction. The blame for conflicts and quarrels lies equally with the husband and wife. The life of every family is not without problems, crises and offenses. Those who are able to forgive, compromise, listen to the problems of others, empathize and take others’ habits and beliefs for granted, as a rule, are happy in marriage. Every problem must be solved together. The secret of a happy life couple – do not avoid conflict situations, and solve them correctly. Misunderstandings can be overcome by mutual help and patience. And without care and respect for loved ones there is no family happiness. This is not easy work, which must be done every day, but it is for the common good.

The couple should be mutually involved in the upbringing of children. It should be remembered that overprotection of children will not bring the desired result. They should be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes and learn from them, as well as to nurture independence and initiative in them. Common interests and joint recreation, overcoming difficulties make the family cohesive and strong.

Types of family relationships

There are several types of relationships in a married couple:

• Cooperation – the kind where the husband and wife understand each other, support and care. This kind is the best version of marriage.
• Equality of partners. Parity is usually pursued by both partners for mutual benefit.
• Rivalry – represents a clear desire to achieve success and get ahead of one’s other half. Such a marriage can be quite successful if the rivalry is for the benefit of common goals. However, it is quite difficult and uncomfortable to live in constant competition. Not often, but the couple can move into open confrontation with each other.
• Competition is characteristic of the dominance of one partner over the other. Such a union cannot be called holistic and unified. Husband and wife are constantly fighting for their own interests. Such a marriage is not capable of being long-lasting.
• Irreconcilability – represents the opposition of the spouses. It is the result of a competitive struggle. Usually any external factors restrain such partners from finally breaking the bond. But it is a forced measure and such a marriage is doomed to divorce.

Features of the relationship between spouses

Every couple usually faces problems and difficulties. Crisis moments in the life of the family are simply inevitable. The level of maturity of men and women affect how the stages of development occur.

There are several stages in the relationship between spouses:

• In the first year of marriage, you need to learn how to find compromises, make certain concessions, and look for comfortable forms of coexistence for each partner.
• The birth of a child makes adjustments to the usual way of life. It is necessary to develop comfortable ways of interaction between the father, mother and child. You also need to become aware of your position as a parent.
• In the third to fifth year of marriage, when the child is a little older, the wife can go back to her professional life. The couple needs to divide their responsibilities in a new way. It is necessary to effectively interact when the parents work and raise the child.
• The stage of 8-15 years of married life together is characterized by a familiar, familiar pattern, which often makes you bored. Problems also accumulate. Irritability arises.
• After 20 years of marriage, there is a certain risk of infidelity. New unions and children may appear. People reevaluate life and take their first stock. Many seek drastic changes.
• Grown-up children, parents are taking a well-deserved rest. Many people are overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness and longing for the past life. They are looking for a new range of interests, trying to reconstruct the interaction with the housemates.

Good relationships in the family union should be valued and cherished. Lack of harmony in communication leads only to constant emotional stress. Constant work on the relationship and the self-development of each partner is very important for achieving well-being. Contact the experts of the Center for Personal Development “Arcanum”, they will help you find the way to harmony and happiness.