Relationships are at an impasse – consider in detail

What to do if the relationship has reached an impasse – psychologist’s tips

The confetti-bouquet period is always filled with trembling anticipation of the meeting, the desire to literally “grow together” with a partner, and the desire to build a joint future. But sooner or later the relationship moves into a stage of “calm,” reminiscent of a session at the gym, when it seems that “the weight is up.”

Some couples move on to a new stage, while others begin to think that nothing will work anymore. Conflicts arise on the back of such thoughts, making you think about breaking up. What to do if it seems that you ran into a wall and there is no way out?

Signs of a dead end.

Relationships that have stalled in development are always accompanied by the expression of mutual claims and scandals.

These are the moments that can indicate that things are starting to fall apart:

  • You share a bed, but there is no intimacy between you. More often than not, you make do with just a hug. Perhaps one of you no longer has room in the mind for a partner: you are thinking about the other person, but there is no room for the other half in reality;
  • You do not have enough time for each other. At the proposal to be alone he will find a thousand excuses.

And if you, nevertheless, find yourself alone, then surely something hurts or is not in the mood. But magically the situation changes when he, for example, hangs out with friends;

  • You do not live together, but you meet for intimacy. And then he diligently pretends that you barely know each other. If you are satisfied with everything, go ahead, but don’t count on a future with such a man. That’s not what he wants;
  • Intimacy is quite an important aspect of the relationship. So if it doesn’t bring you much pleasure, but you or your partner are diligently pretending that “it’s okay,” then no. The situation is not going to get better on its own. And this point needs to be either talked about or you need to find yourself a new partner;
  • It is easy to idealize a person when he evokes high feelings in you. But in reality, after living with him a little bit, you realize that he is not the same. Allows himself to raise his voice on any occasion, he became rude, and you are no longer comfortable with him;
  • He became (or was originally) greedy and stingy. Inviting you to spend time, constantly calculates how much he spent on you and offers to chip in for gas. Do you need that kind of nerve-racking? He’ll lend you money for diapers in the future, too;
  • Dissatisfaction with everyone around you is also a ringing bell. Especially if it’s a perpetual dissatisfaction with what you do. No one wants to live in perpetual negativity;
  • Fear of living together and of life. Very often inherent in men. You seem to be ready for a common future and marriage, but your partner is afraid of responsibility and pulls;
  • Relationships built on pity. Women tend to feel sorry for everyone around them, and men sometimes successfully use this to their advantage;
  • Your low self-esteem can also play into your partner’s hands. You think you’re imperfect and think that no one better can not find, so you put up with all the bad things that allows himself a man.

Of course, to cut off the shoulder should not be. But, noticing these signs, you need to think about whether this situation can be somehow corrected.

What to do if the relationship is at a standstill?

What to do

Remember that there is always a way out. And sometimes there are even a few.

  • Analyze the situation.

There are always two people to blame for the conflict. Try to figure out where you both made a mistake. But first of all, pay attention to yourself and try to understand how your own behavior affected the situation you found yourself in.

Think back to that moment when the relationship went south. What exactly happened? Most often in couples, these situations arise when the woman stops taking care of herself and the man stops trying to improve his financial situation.

Write down all the good things about your relationship. Write on a piece of paper all the qualities that once attracted you to your partner.

If you want to break up, think about whether it is better to try to save the relationship, than to enter into a new, chasing the same problems in a circle;

  • Try to find a solution.

After analyzing the situation, it’s time to go into an open dialogue with your partner. But be sure to show that you are not in the mood to quarrel, and sincerely want to save your relationship.

For the atmosphere you can call your man to a cozy place. It’s even better if it is “your” place. A fed and relaxed man is the best conversationalist.

Let him know that you treasure what you have between you, remember the moments that brought joy at the beginning of the relationship.

If your partner softened and ready to talk further, quietly admit your mistakes, explain what it is that hurts and upsets you.

Now offer him to express all his feelings, and ask how he sees a way out of the situation;

  • Take a pause in the relationship.

Before you take a break, be sure to talk to your partner. This option can really help strengthen the relationship and, even, rekindle the passion.

Preferably, you should live apart for a while and get your thoughts in order.

Abstract away from social media. Don’t post pictures showing how you’re having an interesting time. No matter how much you want to, don’t call or text your partner – let him bore you. If he couldn’t stand it first and got in touch, communicate casually and cheerfully, don’t talk about your sadness and problems.

At the first meeting after separation look and act naturally. Don’t try to overwhelm your loved one with your appearance. This can look ridiculous in case you try to keep a stone face;

  • Maintain your friendship.

If it has become clear that the relationship can no longer be resurrected, and you have long been strangers, then breaking up is still the only right thing to do.

Just accept and accept the fact that nothing can be returned. In case you have decided to break up mutually, talk to each other, letting go of all past grudges, so that we part on a good note.

This is especially important if there are children left after your union. The child needs to understand that their parents are not enemies to each other, but still close people;

  • Talk to a marriage counselor.

Seeing a specialist can help if you both want to save the marriage, but don’t understand how to do it on your own.

This requires that two people attend sessions and talk about their problems without hiding.

Before the beginning of therapy you need to tune in, not being ashamed of your feelings, and realizing that there is nothing shameful in such sessions. Work with the psychologist will be successful only if both partners are determined to preserve the relationship.

So, in order that the relationship does not become a dead end, you need to value your own interests and those of your partner equally.

Don’t be the one who puts up with everything. For example, if you start to forgive a man for cheating or bad habits, he will quickly realize that you can spin you as you please.

Your union must be built on mutual respect for each other’s feelings and interests. If one of the couple begins to abuse their permissiveness and the other swallows it all, the relationship will not be happy.

What to do if the relationship in a couple has reached an impasse?

This question can often be heard from people who come to the psychologist’s office. Many even realize that they need to change something in themselves if they want to change the relationship in a couple. But what – they do not really understand.

I will speculate a little on the topic of relationships and their improvement or even healing, because people come less often for improvement, but much more often for reanimation, for the healing of relationships.

As Jungian analyst James Hollis wrote in his book Dreams of Eden: In Search of the Good Wizard, relationships are built on four principles.

  1. What we don’t know about ourselves or don’t see in ourselves (The Shadow) will project onto the Other.
  2. We project onto the Other our childhood traumas, our infantile longing (the narcissistic “coming home” program), and our need for individuation.
  3. Since the Other cannot, and should not, be responsible for our traumas, our narcissism, and our individuation, the projection causes rejection and exacerbates the problem of power.
  4. The only way to heal a shattered relationship is to recognize our desire to “come home” and take responsibility for our individuation.

Let’s examine each of these four principles.

Principle 1: What we don’t know about ourselves or don’t see in ourselves (the Shadow) will be projected onto the Other.

Anything we don’t want to recognize in ourselves (e.g., qualities like narcissism, selfishness, rage–all of this goes into the Shadow, that area of our personal unconscious that is inaccessible to consciousness. And then these qualities of our own from the Shadow are projected onto the close Other.

It often happens in couples that one partner seems to lack strong emotions and unconsciously provokes his partner to display these strong emotions, at the same time accusing him of intemperance. This is his way of projecting his Shadow onto the Other.

Or we project our potential onto the Other – something that was not developed in our childhood for some reasons and remained in our psyche as a germ. For example, we can project determination, responsibility, creativity, etc.

Principle 2: We project onto the Other our childhood traumas, our infantile longing (the narcissistic “coming home” program) and our need for individuation.

None of us is able to go through the process of growing up without childhood traumas. But what matters is not that we had them, but the way in which we adapted to life.

We have formed relationship strategies and scripts from the moment we were born, based on our first relationship with our parents, which we project onto the Other, forcing him or her to play a role in that relationship.

It is very difficult to perceive the Other as an Other without being linked to our personal history.

To paraphrase the saying that the history of humanity is a history of wars, we can say that personal history is a history of trauma. Once we are separated from the Other (the mother) at birth, we constantly strive to return to this state of fusion, to “come home. When we enter into an intimate relationship, this longing is activated.

Taking responsibility for our choices is part of the process of individuation, the task we have to accomplish in life for which we came here.

Responsibility for our lives is heavy, and we look for the Other to share this burden with us, thus projecting our need onto it.

Principle 3: Since the Other cannot, and should not, be responsible for our injuries, our narcissism, and our individuation, the projection causes rejection and exacerbates the problem of power.

In a relationship, sooner or later one of the partners refuses to bear the weight of the Other’s projections. This causes anger, bewilderment, and the collapse of the first partner’s illusions, and he tries to force the Other back into a state of illusory fusion.

The problem of power arises. The partner, whose expectations and hopes have been destroyed, tries to control the Other in order to return everything “as it was,” to that state of fusion and happiness that seemed reliable and eternal. Power over the Other suppresses individuality, leads to violence over one’s own soul and the soul of the Other.

Where there is power, there is no place for love.

Principle 4: The only way to heal a faltering relationship is to recognize our desire to “come home” and take responsibility for our own individuation.

If we give up the expectation of being saved by the Other, we take responsibility for our own lives, we relieve the Other of the burden of our expectation and longing to “come home. Only then does a deadlocked relationship have a chance to develop.

Summarizing all of the above, we can conclude that all relationships inevitably come to a deadlock, the way out of which is to realize the desire to merge, to part with the hope of “coming home” with the help of the Other, and for each partner to take responsibility for his life, which implies accepting his shadow sides and removing projections from the Other.

It’s a lot of deep work with yourself, and it takes a lot of courage.

Leave a Comment