Relationship with a male colleague

Office romance at work

Author: Jeanne Muleshina Practitioner psychologist consultant on problematic family relationships, personal dissatisfaction and more.

The article describes tips to help you understand all the features and subtleties of an affair at work. Also provided are rules of conduct to help you maintain your position on the career ladder.

Features and conditions of an affair at work

In today’s world, work takes up a huge amount of time. Many people simply have no other place to build a relationship. People have an affair at work in the hope of finding true feelings. But this format of relationship has its own peculiarities.

First, love feelings should not interfere with work. Coming there, you need to clearly distinguish between personal relationships and professional activities. The relationship should enhance the quality of work and development, not interfere with it.

Secondly, you should not have an affair out of boredom, because this can lead to negative consequences. There is no need to play with the feelings of people, especially those with whom you still have to be near in the future.

Let’s find out how to behave during an affair at work. You can highlight a few simple recommendations that will help not to get into an awkward situation and attract each other even more:

    Common interests outside of work . To begin with, it is important to understand that such a relationship is significantly different from all other relationships. It’s all about the fact that people will be spending practically the whole day together. As a result, the likelihood of a situation where the couple will simply get bored with each other increases. Therefore, in your free time you should diversify your days as much as possible. It is necessary to find common interests and try to give them regular attention. At the same time, they should not be from the sphere of business interests of the partners.

Advantages and disadvantages of an office romance

Office romance has a special specificity with its own advantages and disadvantages. The pros of such a relationship:

    Regular intimacy . One of the main advantages is that people are constantly near each other. You can be in sight all the time, but disappear when necessary. The partner will not become jealous of his loved one, as he will see everything with his own eyes, he will not have the thought of “second-guessing” the development of the relationship with the other person at work. Agree that this is the way to avoid a huge number of disagreements and jealousy.

An office romance has a huge number of positive aspects, but also its own disadvantages, which you need to be aware of:

    Everyone will know about it . No matter how much the couple wants to hide their relationship, sooner or later colleagues will find out about it, and it will become a universal virtue. During this period, it is very important to take the right position and not to perceive provocations. The development of the relationship will take place in front of the bosses and colleagues. It is important that they know as little as possible, because the relationship should be between two people, that is, personal. Otherwise, the life of lovers can become a topic for discussion and even ridicule.

The main varieties of workplace romance

There are several types of workplace romance. Each of them has its own peculiarities. But in any case, there are important nuances, without which it is impossible to build a normal relationship.

An affair with a married man

The most difficult and unpredictable can safely be called an affair at work with a married man. First, such a relationship is initially dishonest and carrying a negative trait. Secondly, you should always keep everything a secret, and to hide feelings from colleagues is extremely difficult.

Such an affair has only two possible outcomes: a married man will file for divorce or remain with his lawful spouse. As practice shows, more often the second option is preferred. Ladies who are bored with monotonous life can choose this model of relations, not counting on something more. But in this case, it is very difficult to maintain good relations after the end of the novel.

As for colleagues at work, they are usually divided into two “camps”: one will observe with interest what is happening, the other will condemn, make intrigues, try to convey the real state of affairs to the bosses and even the spouse of the beloved.

Of course, the heart wants what the heart wants, but you should understand that an affair with a married man will not bring anything good, because the percentage of happy and in the end is negligible. But the reputation will be severely damaged.

The affair with a colleague

Statistically, about forty percent of people admit to having had a similar format of relationship. As a rule, they work on the same case, have common interests, and the constant pastime in a close circle can be a reason for sympathy.

When an affair with a colleague at work began, you should not rush things, all in good time. Try to get to know the person better, his preferences, hobbies, what he does after work and how he lives. This is much easier to avoid unwanted disagreements in the future.

While working in the same room, it is extremely important to restrain your love impulse. Leave it for the home environment. The option of a relationship with a colleague is the most convenient, because in this case, the conditions are equal.

If the relationship is already quite serious, and the couple decided to tell the collective about them, then it should be done as discreetly as possible. It is not necessary to devote all the details, it is enough just to say about the fact. Many may ask why this should be done. It’s very simple: if time to tell about the relationship, you can avoid many rumors and discussions behind the back.

An affair with a colleague at work happens most often. If it is not a relationship, but a casual intimate relationship, it is better to tell no one and never. After all, it is unlikely to contribute to the transition from a light infatuation to a serious form of communication.

With your boss

Prepare for the fact that such a relationship will be discussed. Starting an affair with your boss, keep in mind that if it ends, you will most likely have to quit. Plus, any promotion or bonus will not be perceived as a well-deserved reward.

All accomplishments will be perceived as merit in bed, not personal. An affair at work with a boss brings the most attention from coworkers and co-workers. Many people believe that people do this solely for selfish purposes, in order to climb the career ladder.

The main disadvantage of a relationship with the boss is the almost complete absence of future prospects. Of course, everyone wants to marry the boss, but not all representatives of the fair sex reach this point. Much more often a girl becomes just another mistress for a while. For many men this format of relationship is very convenient for sex. It is good if the lady can interest the man and take the relationship beyond the office. In this case there is a chance to really win his heart.

If an affair happened with a female boss, it will be extremely difficult for a man to maintain his image. After all, a priori the boss is right, he can command and order. But not everyone likes it. And if in everyday life there will be a quick compromise, then at work the status will oblige the lady of the heart to behave in such a way that it does not allocate the partner against the background of other colleagues.

Rules of behavior in the office romance

If there was an affair at work, it is important to remember the basic rules of conduct of employees in love. Not only the future of the relationship, but also career advancement depends on it.

So, let’s consider them in more detail:

    Do not forget about work duty and professionalism . Learn how to properly prioritize and put the line between your feelings. Remember, personal issues should never affect the work relationship. Personal disputes should remain at home and only between two people, other issues should be resolved within the office space. It is also never a good idea to figure things out in front of co-workers.

Workplace Romance Options

Like any other affair, a workplace relationship has several options for development:

    Marriage . The ideal option for the development of the relationship, in which a long and harmonious love develops into a family. But it does not happen often, because the disadvantages of a workplace romance can interfere with a happy relationship. If the heart tells you that this person is the other half, it is better to change the place of work to one of the couple. In this case, the probability of developing a happy relationship is much greater.

Important! Remember that the parting with the person who works with you in the same room, has a number of difficulties. First, you need to learn to find a common language even after a quarrel. Secondly, the former lover will be in sight all the time, and in some cases this hinders the development of a new relationship.

Watch a video about a workplace romance:

A workplace romance has both positives and negatives. Each person chooses for themselves personally whether or not to pursue such a path. Don’t be initially skeptical of a workplace romance, because many happy families are formed this way. In addition, feelings inspire a person to beautiful actions, fill him with happiness and allow him to look positively at everything around him. These components are good for career advancement. Therefore, having an office romance in some cases is useful and easy, but you should not forget about the consequences.

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Office romance or what are the dangers of relationships at work. How to behave properly?

I have a 7-year journalistic background. I am well-versed in the flow of media-information, including the analysis of foreign sources.

Expert – Margarita Lopukhova

Family psychologist. For 8 years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples regain love and understanding.

Office romance – a hot topic, which in decent society is used to be silent. Relationships between colleagues do not always develop beautifully and end well. On the contrary, in most cases, love affairs at work lead to at least a bad reputation, as a maximum – to firing. The stares of colleagues, constant nervousness and the thought “what if they catch you?”, this is what accompanies lovers in the course of their relationship. Despite this, an affair at work is a desirable forbidden fruit that stirs the imagination (and not only).

Statistical data

According to statistics, more than 80% of Russian bosses are against their employees having an affair in the workplace. Managers explain this by the fact that romances of this kind provoke conflict situations, reduce efficiency and have a negative impact on the overall mood of the team. Many bosses are ready to fire both participants in romantic relationships, some agree with the fact that it is necessary to be guided by circumstances.

At the same time, about 57% of Russians are ready to have a relationship at work. Of course, statistical data cannot fully reflect the real situation. But in sociological surveys, statistics carry the most weight and serve as the main argument.

In America, by the way, more than half of the people have had an office affair. Unfortunately, there are no statistics showing how such relationships usually ended.

But there is evidence that most bosses are negative about this topic. And it is very reasonably.

The main disadvantages of an office romance from the management’s point of view.

First, the company incurs financial losses, while lovers coo instead of dealing with work issues. Every extra five minutes in the smoking room or canteen is a loss to the organization. It only seems like a small thing, but in fact, if you multiply all those five-minute romantic breaks by the number of work days per year, you get an impressive figure. And it’s even better if the lovers do not cross paths and do not go out during working hours.

Secondly, sincere falling in love has a negative effect on performance. There are relations of convenience at work, and there are banal and romantic connections. These lead to the fact that colleagues are in the clouds and can not think about anything other than the object of his lust. The situation is complicated by the fact that the object sits at the next desk or in the closest office. Such proximity excites (and the quarterly report suffers).

Thirdly, other colleagues can easily find out about the affair. And not so much because of the burning eyes, but because of the banal coincidence. This can lead to a variety of conflicts, which will suffer the whole team.

In this case, it is worth considering only the relationship of equal colleagues. The affair of a subordinate and a supervisor is a separate topic.

Why start an office romance?

The question at first glance may seem strange, but in fact, most novels at work are conceived for specific reasons.

There may be three in total:

  • Self-serving goals. Some people initiate relationships in the workplace in order to advance their careers or to dump some of their responsibilities on the other person. Women often commit this sin, but sometimes men resort to this method. As a rule, young professionals have affairs with their bosses, expecting to receive a lot of privileges.
  • The desire to taste the forbidden fruit. Relationships at work are an unspoken taboo, the violation of which is quite risky for both participants in the process. Some people are simply exhilarated by it. Gamblers and thrill-seekers are eager to start an affair with the bosses or colleagues. They are not guided by romantic feelings but passion and a desire to break certain prohibitions. As a rule, such personalities are not careful and constantly expose themselves and their partner to risk.
  • Strong feelings. This reason is far from the most common of those listed. As a rule, behind a conditional crush there is a passion, caused by excitement and risk. In rare cases, sincere feelings between colleagues are established, which are caused by the presence of common (in particular, work) interests and mutual sympathy. This arrangement can be called the most favorable, because people in love can calculate the risks and meet mostly outside of working hours.

Before having an affair at work, you need to understand the reasons for the sympathy or passion between the two colleagues. Sometimes the real motives lurk much deeper. For example, an aging and married boss can, roughly speaking, “want” a young subordinate because of the midlife crisis. Such an approach will help the person assert himself at the expense of his own power and privileged position. The young subordinate, in turn, will benefit in other ways-a raise in salary or position.

It is also necessary to designate for yourself the boundaries of the relationship at work. It can be a romantic alliance or just “well-intentioned” sex. There is no need to have deceptive illusions and to lead your colleague astray, because in the end it can easily turn out to be unpleasant.

An affair between colleagues

There are two common scenarios for workplace romances between peers. People may work closely together on common tasks (e.g., working on the same project). They become close because of the time they spend together. Despite the work goals, colleagues get to know each other better on a personal level.

The opposite situation is also possible: when people see each other only during a break or in the canteen, exchanging glances and short remarks. In this case, it is inaccessibility and mystery that attracts them. Colleagues can work in different buildings and rarely see each other, but still have inexplicable (at first glance) sympathy.

It is worth imagining that in both situations, people first develop a relationship and then break up.

If they are constantly interacting with each other, it will create a huge discomfort and work disagreement. In that case, there are two ways out: fire one or reconcile both. In practice, both options usually fall away, as a result of which adults arrange an office “war”, trying to somehow molest and take revenge.

If colleagues rarely interact on business matters and work in different offices, then the outcome of the relationship turns out to be much more favorable. Former lovers simply do not see each other, due to which there is no conflict as such.

Important: Do not hope that you will be able to part as friends or as good friends. It is necessary to initially calculate the ways of retreat in case of a worst-case scenario. The ideal option: after the first night spent together to discuss the consequences of a possible parting.

Rules of an affair between colleagues

Relationships between colleagues will not interfere with work, if both partners will observe the following rules:

  • Convergence outside of work hours. Yes, the work environment encourages you to have sex in the bathroom or at least flirt during your lunch break. But it’s better to look at the situation rationally. If you already have a relationship, it is better to develop it exclusively outside of the workplace. Otherwise, the partners will sooner or later run into trouble.
  • Limiting yourself to one affair. By building a relationship with one woman and another, a man risks gaining a bad reputation in the long term. You can twist a few intrigues and leave the company, but do not forget about the existence of the Internet: it is he who will help the former mistresses to spoil the virtual resume of the unsuccessful lover. The same works in relation to women. If there is a desire to have an affair in the workplace (even if for the sake of thrills), then you should limit yourself to one. And certainly should not meet with several colleagues in the same time interval.
  • Calculate the risks. There is no need to get involved with vindictive and vindictive people. You should not create the appearance of falling in love, if it does not exist. In a relationship with a colleague, honesty and straightforwardness is necessary, as well as the absence of “rose-colored glasses. It is necessary to designate in advance the boundaries, norms of behavior and other nuances, which will greatly facilitate communication during working hours.

It is extremely important at the beginning of communication with a colleague not to mistake benevolence for flirting. Some people (especially if they are new to the team) tend to be overly friendly. They may bring coffee, smile, ask about the well-being, but do not nurture an ounce of personal sympathy. Here you need to be able to distinguish between excessive courtesy and flirting.

The relationship between the employee and the boss

It is worth imagining the situation: a young girl and a middle-aged boss (usually married). Most female employees have a relationship with the leadership in the hope of a promotion or raise in salary. Many men understand this and just start a mutually beneficial affair. Such a relationship may well exist in secret and give pleasure to both partners.

Much worse if the subordinate falls in love with the boss, and he goes along with it. Once the relationship ends, the girl will start to threaten, terrorize and take all kinds of revenge on her former lover. She may tell her wife (if she has one) about the affair, rassvet to her employees and superiors.

Relationship between a boss and an employee

This is a much more interesting and rare situation. As a rule, the subordinate is seized by the idea of sleeping with his boss. Much less often a man wants to have a full-fledged relationship with her. The subordinate is attracted to the power, unattainability, and sexuality of the woman “at the helm. As soon as he gets what he wants, his interest cools.

Self-serving goals may also be involved in such relationships. Often men as much as women want to move up the career ladder, without making much effort. The easiest option – to have a relationship with the boss.

The rules of the relationship between the boss and the employee

According to statistics, more than 60% of people consider romances between supervisors and employees unacceptable. Participants in all sorts of surveys vote for such relationships to be banned at the legislative level.

Accordingly, such romances have strict rules that must be adhered to:

  • No publicity. Both partners must understand that their relationship cannot be advertised in any way. If a coworker tells colleagues over a cup of tea about having great sex with his boss, those same colleagues will soon turn on each other and demand that they both be fired. And there’s nothing surprising about that. People believe that an employee who has an affair with a boss (or a supervisor) is entitled to unwarranted privileges.
  • No chutzpah. An employee who is in a relationship with a superior should not allow himself to come in later than others and leave earlier. Nor should he (or she) be allowed an extra 10 minutes for a smoke break and outright rudeness in the workplace. Otherwise, colleagues will quickly figure out what is going on.
  • No breakups on the part of the employee. Unfortunately, breaking up a relationship in most cases is the equivalent of being fired. The employee is in a more vulnerable position, so he or she should protect themselves in advance. It’s best to wait until the other partner wants to break up the relationship. Another option for the subordinate is to look for another job just before the affair ends.

The relationship between a manager and an employee is walking on a knife edge. At any time, one of the colleagues may suspect wrongdoing and raspash the rest. Therefore, partners need to be as coded as possible.

A subordinate should not too often “dive” into the office of the boss. The head, in turn, should not show excessive loyalty and distinguish the protégé from the rest of the employees (especially – for no reason).

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