Psychological help with the breakup: survive the loss and move on
The need for close relationships and having a partner in your life is completely natural and very important. The first important people in everyone’s life are parents, but as adults, we begin to strive to create a family ourselves. Unfortunately, not all relationships last a lifetime. No couple is safe from breakups, whether they are young high school sweethearts or couples with years of marriage.
Of course, the parting with a loved one is not fatal. Nevertheless, it always hurts, and it takes time and strength to get over it. Get over the breakup – it’s not just cry all the tears and forget loved one. It is very important to understand the situation and draw conclusions, because often a failed relationship becomes a script, and the next love may end the same way as the previous one.
The situation is especially serious when people are married and are facing a divorce. A family is not only a partnership of spouses, but also a common household, children, a common circle of acquaintances, and close relatives. When people get divorced, it’s not just property or children that they have to share. A whole part of life goes with a spouse.
To cope with the situation of separation and get out of it with minimal losses is not always possible. Some people lack their own strength, while others lack the support of others. That is why a psychologist’s help with the breakup will be very helpful.
How does the view of the breakup after seeing a psychologist?
When a person decides to go to a psychologist when breaking up a relationship, very often they want the same thing: to return everything as it was. Unfortunately or fortunately, a psychologist is not a magician who, with a wave of a magic wand, can glue together a broken cup of love. But in the competence of a psychologist to show the person the situation from a different angle and together find more realistic goals.
First of all, the psychologist will help to find a constructive way out of the emotions and feelings that literally suffocate after a breakup. We are always tied to people we consider close, so the rupture of a relationship – a loss of affection, and it can be very painful to live through. In the therapist’s office, a person may talk, cry about their grief, draw or sculpt it. Useful will be psychologist’s advice on how to survive the breakup, which you can use in your daily life to throw off a heavy emotional burden.
Responding to emotions helps a person accept the breakup. By creating the conditions for safe expression of emotions, the psychologist is like taking a sharp splinter out of a suffering soul. The pain of loss subsides, and the person begins to accept the breakup as a fait accompli. As long as one hopes that this is not the end, and seeks all kinds of opportunities and clues to resume the relationship, one will not be able to see the real picture of what happened and conduct “work on the mistakes.
Setting boundaries of responsibility is a very important aspect of psychological help for the breakup of a relationship. In a state of stress after a breakup, people tend to either take all the blame for the collapse of the union on themselves, or blame the partner and insist that he or she must change. In reality, any relationship in a couple is built by two people. Each of them can only be responsible for what they personally contribute to the relationship: what they do and do not do, what expectations and demands they have of their partner.
For many people this simple postulate becomes a real discovery. After its realization and acceptance, constructive work with a psychologist is possible, because the person stops trying to remake his partner and get what he wants by any means. He or she faces the question to himself or herself: “What have I personally done or not done to make the relationship fall apart? How am I behaving in the relationship and what is behind it?”
What can you work on during a breakup?
A person going through a breakup or divorce, usually overwhelmed by a sense of his own uselessness, unattractiveness. That is why the restoration of shaken self-esteem takes a lot of time. It is important even outside of any relationship to perceive themselves positively, to feel worthy of love and respect. In this case, psychologist advice on how to survive a breakup will concern things that can lift your spirits and give self-confidence: to be occupied with their appearance or an interesting case, which previously had no time, to communicate with friends, go to interesting places, to change the environment for a while. In addition to advice, a psychologist may recommend a person group psychotherapy, as it is very effective for such purposes.
Working with a psychologist, it is possible to identify a lot of interesting details: how we choose a partner, how we build relationships with them, what we expect from a close relationship. Very many of these things are scripted and borrowed from the parental family, although such scripts are not always constructive. Ineffective scripts need to be worked through and abandoned. It is practically impossible to see the script by oneself and get rid of it, so the help of a psychologist is very helpful.
In addition to the script, there are other things that interfere with building and maintaining close relationships. In a close relationship, there is always an attachment, and if it was once traumatized – these traumas will give echoes. This can manifest itself in pathological jealousy, in the desire to merge with the partner, in the abandonment of one’s own self in favor of the partner. In this case, it is already necessary to work not over the concrete situation of breakup, but over those features of the person which interfere with his or her ability to be successful in private life.
Psychological help for breakups can refer not only to living through a specific situation, but also to creating a resource for future relationships. If at first, after a breakup it is difficult to even mentally allow the possibility of new relationships, then after productive work with a therapist, he will be able to open up again and love.
Help psychologist to the initiator of the breakup
Usually seek help from those who have left the partner, but there are situations where assistance is needed to those who have decided to terminate the relationship. In this case, a psychologist can give advice on how to build a conversation about the separation, so as not to hurt and humiliate the partner, but at the same time do not give him a false hope.
Working with feelings of guilt, which usually haunt those who have decided to separate, can become a separate item on the psychological counseling program. This feeling is capable of keeping people around unloved spouses for years, even though the marriage and relationship no longer exist. That is why it needs to be worked through.
If we summarize all of the above, we can say that psychological help for breakups allows you to live through the grief of loss and see that the breakup of a relationship is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new stage. This stage can be interesting, rich, filled with love and new relationships, the most important thing is to find the resources for it.
Getting over a breakup with a loved one – Psychologist Nadezhda Khramchenko
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Overcome the breakup with a loved one
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To part and forget – will not work; to part and not feel pain – will not work; to part and live happily and comfortably – also an illusion.
Breaking up with a loved one can only be overcome. The severity of this disease depends on the strength of attachment to the loved one you had to tear from your life.
One will recover from this disease in six months, while the other will suffer all his life, never breaking the connection with that person will not be able to recover. Causes of lingering bane: co-dependency, pessimism, mental laziness, or simply the need to be with a loved one, to love them and to feel with all your being that you are loved. You can’t bury such a need. And it is natural for human beings. It is important to be aware of it, not to be ashamed, and even to be proud of the desire, the ability to love.
There is only one way to forget an important person with whom you have so much to do: to run away, hit your head on a pole, or suffer some other trauma that results in amnesia. So it’s best not to try to forget. ©Author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/ But what about monstrous anger, resentment, guilt, fear, despair, grief, depression, feelings of worthlessness, emptiness? – Get over a breakup.
A breakup is always accompanied by a powerful storm of destructive and negative emotions. Leading among them are anger and resentment. Often these emotions a person tries to extinguish in destructive ways: alcohol, drugs, gluttony. Gluttony and as a means to fill the inner emptiness. These emotions cannot be silenced, it is dangerous to displace them – they will break out in psychosomatic or lead to depression, destroying them from within. These emotions can only be expressed by screaming, crying, sobbing, hitting the bed with a double folded towel or a tennis racket, pounding the pillows with your fists. The task will be completed if, instead of incredible emotional tension, you feel physically powerless.
Another way to catharsis is to stand under running water and sob your eyes out. There is also a direct correlation between emotion and increased physical activity. Jogging, swimming, or boxing can help you release negativity and tension, but you have to “release” your emotions in intense physical movements.
Anger and resentment get in the way of forgiveness. It doesn’t matter whether he (she) left or you did. In breakup situations, if there is an emotional connection with each other, there is always resentment and anger in the heart. These feelings form a trap of intense dependence on the person you had to break up with. By getting rid of the anger and resentment, you will get rid of the compulsive urge to think about that person, the suffering will become more bearable. ©Author of the article you are now reading, Khramchenko Nadezhda/
Resentment, anger – these are the shackles that shackle you to each other. Write a letter to this person, describe in it all your offenses and forgive for them. There is no need to send the letter.
Remember why you loved him/her, what he/she gave you. Wish them happiness and let them go. Treat your ex with kindness. This is a dignified, majestic act, which shows a strong, developed personality, not a hysterical weak-willed character, whose humiliation does not even arouse pity.
It is only by forgiving that you weaken the bond with the person you love, and by anger and resentment you knit a tightrope that connects you forever. It is important to come out of this difficult situation with dignity.
Fluctuations, doubts, hesitations: “What if everything still works,” swinging: “I got together, then broke up” completely throw off the rut, prolong the process of separation, as a result of yearning, depression, apathy. In many ways, this resembles the stage of experiencing loss, the death of a loved one “bargaining” by Elizabeth Ross. But if you can’t stand it and get back together, chances are the euphoric period of the “Honeymoon” will be replaced by regrets that you showed weakness and came to what you were running from, and now it’s back to the cycle.
This is where you need to separate. Confused in the relationship – take a break for a period of time, take time out. You want to fix the relationship – analyze the mistakes you’ve made, and off you go! But if you really are breaking up, it should not be hysterical ploy or fleeing from the problems, and the result of a conscious decision to “break up. Make a decision and stick to it. Your task is to learn to live without this beloved person, completely excluding him from your life, breaking the connection with him. Go away, do not call, do not correspond, do not look at her / him on social networks, do not make inquiries about her / him and do not look for each other to meet, do not go to memorial sites. “Yes, it was beautiful, but it’s the past.” Solve all your problems on your own without asking him/her for help or advice. It’s important to keep your dignity and not to humiliate yourself. Form new habits that have nothing to do with him (her). Be active, create and create your new life. Have two hours a day of catharsis from grief and loss, and the rest of the time should be filled with a variety of activities so that in the evening you will fall from fatigue and immediately fall asleep. You should have no time to suffer. However, if you do have insomnia, don’t lie in bed thinking that you won’t get enough sleep, but get up and do something or read and don’t touch the computer for three hours before sleeping.
Once your emotions have settled, you need to engage in an analysis of your past relationship. Why did you get together? Because of what we had to break up? Who made what mistakes? How could they be fixed? Was your couple happy? Answer these questions honestly, objectively, without emotion. Not in order to condemn anyone, but to realize everything, to move on to a new round of their personal development.
It is good if 3 months after the breakup, when feelings have cooled down, there will be a meeting on neutral territory, where you can discuss everything, because of which together there is no way. Try to treat each other with care, don’t be jealous if your ex’s life is going better. Do not take bad things personally. Draw conclusions from mistakes. Life is long, and breakups are inevitable. This is your personal experience and part of your life.
Parting usually takes away a person’s life energy, it must be restored. Country walks, swimming in natural bodies of water, animal therapy, hippotherapy, just any communication with animals and riding horses, travel, excursions, theater, exhibitions, museums, communication with positive people, exrim, yoga, meditation. The list could still be very long. Choose your own way to recover. Works great principle of the 4 elements. Every day you need to touch the 4 elements: water, earth, fire, air. Find your ways. For example, if water, then stand under running water in the shower, washing away all the pain, sob. You can sit on the shore of a lake, looking at the surface of the water. Fire – this is a bonfire, or you can look at the flame of a candle and read a long prayer or “Our Father” 10 times. Earth – run barefoot on the grass or work in the vegetable garden. The air – breathe in the air with a full chest, standing on a balcony, or better in the countryside. There is a lot more that can be thought of, the main thing is to contact with the four elements on a daily basis.
When parting, negative and destructive emotions run high, and a depressive background of mood arises. Set a goal to achieve a positive mood. The helpers here will be the pleasures. ©Author of the article you are now reading, Khramchenko Nadezhda/
Take a piece of paper and draw a planet of pleasure. Mark on it 15 things that give you pleasure. Does that seem like a lot to you? If it doesn’t work, then you’re just lazy. Broaden your horizons and find the things that bring you joy in life. Be sure to enjoy yourself every day. Also, if a negative, pessimistic thought arises in your head, immediately shoot it down with a positive and life-affirming one. For example, replace the thought “I will always be alone” with the attitude “If I want to, I will have many friends and admirers. It is a very useful habit to think constructively and form the right positive attitudes. Life attitudes are the prerequisites for the realization of what you want.
It is very difficult to leave, very difficult not to try to return, or at least not to hope. Many people, when they leave, do not dare to cut ties with each other. This is a mistake. It creates a feeling of an unfulfilled personal life. You can’t stay friends exactly because there is a strong emotional connection. If you feel that you cannot live without this person, try to build a new relationship with him or her. But if there is no way to live together, break up completely, sever the emotional ties, move apart, don’t see each other, don’t call until you get over it.
The amazing thing is that when our inner world is warped, turned inside out by pain and despair, everything around us seems ugly, meaningless, unjust, cruel. This is because we either project our negativity into the outside, refusing to recognize it in ourselves, or we look for in the outside world what corresponds to the inner world. Such a pessimistic whirlwind inevitably leads to depression. However, there is a way to harmonize the inner state through the outer state. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Engage in their appearance, his physical form, admire paintings in museums, make repairs at home (paste up wallpaper), update the interior of his home. Follow the tones in clothing and designs – there is no place for dark things in them! Let it be bright and light colors.
Especially hard in the first year of solitude are carried weekends and holidays. Even if you are very tired at work, prepare for holidays and weekends in advance, so that these days you will not be alone with yourself. Cleaning, then go visiting, the next day hosting guests, cooking your own something for tea, an amusement park, learning to dance or drive, books, music, but not thoughts of an ex (is). During the vacations (New Year’s Eve, May) do not be lazy, go on a little trip.
In summary, the following can be said. Parting with a dear person is always a difficult ordeal in life, but with the observance of psychological recommendations, and in severe cases by asking for help from a specialist, you can always get over the parting, recover and find happiness or inner peace. Memories of a loved one with whom you had to break up will, over time, evoke a bright image of the past, rather than pain and despair.
Breaking up is very hard, but there are basic principles you need to adhere to in order to recover and become a happy person.
1.Once you have broken up, distance yourself as much as possible from your former love, don’t call, don’t write, don’t see each other, remove all things that remind you of this person.
2.Form new habits not related to that person. A large proportion of people can not break up with each other precisely because of the common habits that are formed and fixed in behavior over the years.
Example, have dinner together. Now think of a new form of dinner in a pleasant environment, if before – in the kitchen, now – in the room, the best option is to invite friends, friends for dinner or dinner in a cafe. New habits should be more pleasant than old ones.
3.Forgive. As long as you have resentment and anger in your heart, the connection with this person is very strong. This way you can’t build a new relationship and your suffering won’t end because the pain of the breakup won’t be eradicated.
4. Two hours a day of catharsis (release of emotions), the rest of the time work, hobbies, communication, walks, so that you can be busy (oy) from morning till night and, after lying down, immediately disconnect.
5.Be sure to enjoy yourself daily, don’t allow yourself to get depressed, replacing any negative thought with a positive attitude. Think about why you are living, what your goals are, what your values are. If you do not see meaning in your life, then it is time to reevaluate your values, to find the attractive things in the world, to set goals, to find something to live for.
Allow yourself enough time to recover, 12-18 months. Only after you have fully recovered from the breakup can you start a new relationship, otherwise the new relationship will be short-lived, and the disappointment from it will be even stronger, because without thoroughly working through your past experiences you will drag the mistakes and sorrows of the past into the new one, and so on in a vicious circle, until you have to give up your personal life altogether.
Having recovered, you will gain a unique experience and start your life with a clean slate, where there will be no place for previous mistakes and disappointment in yourself. A psychologist will always help you. You can turn to me. Whatever the pain, after the consultation you will feel relief, you will have the strength to live. If you follow the individual recommendations, you will avoid depression and you will feel joy again, you will feel that your life is not in vain and that besides this person there is a lot of meaning in your life.
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