Wise people forgive no one, and demanding people do not forgive everyone at once
Note: your forgiveness is not all-powerful. If you “haven’t forgiven,” it’s not obvious that the person feels bad about it, and if you “forgive,” it doesn’t necessarily make the person feel better right away. People are autonomous enough beings, and their feelings depend not only on us, on our words and our attitude, but also on the inner position of the person himself. If the one who is guilty feels guilty before us, forgiveness usually reduces his or her feelings. However, if the experiencer is more dealing with himself or herself, your forgiveness is not the key to him or her.
Nevertheless, the main questions about “forgiveness” are, “Do I forgive everything” and “How do I forgive?” Let’s try to answer them.
Do I always forgive? Do I forgive everything?
This is a very difficult question because it constantly confuses two different meanings – behavioral and mental. Someone talking about forgiveness is thinking about their experience (“Did I forgive or didn’t I forgive? Is the hurt gone or not?”), and someone else is thinking about how to behave now (“Forgive him or not let him in the house?”). You can forgive behaviorally, but not mentally. “All right, come on in!” (and the resentment remains in the soul). You can forgive mentally, but not behaviorally. “I understand you and I’m not mad at you, but I realized that this relationship doesn’t suit me. We’re breaking up, don’t call me again.” Bottom line, we call it different words: behavioral forgiveness and mental forgiveness.
Soulful forgiveness.
The wisest, most mentally healthy people don’t forgive anyone at heart – precisely because they don’t blame anyone. Forgiveness is the removal of claims and accusations, the ending of grudges and anger. And why start with claims and accusations? Why go into resentment and anger? Wise people don’t do that, so they don’t need to forgive anyone.
Remember how the Dhammapada teaches this? “He insulted me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me.” In those who harbor such thoughts, the hatred does not cease. “He insulted me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me. For those who do not harbor such thoughts, hatred ceases. For never in this world does hatred cease by hatred, but by the absence of hatred it ceases. “
The soul of the wise is pure from anger and resentment, but how does one get there? Since people do not reach the pinnacles of mental development all at once, it is reasonable to set a more realistic goal: not to get stuck in their resentments and accusations, to forgive more quickly and easily. Those who work at the Distance come to this through the exercises “Not Playing the Sacrifice,” “Inner Good,” and “If I Were in Love. In addition, the most important point is to work with the beliefs of “Who owes what to whom.” The most serious and global step is the adoption of the Declaration of Acceptance of Reality.
Be warned at once – all these methods work only for those people who can somehow cope with their feelings and use their reason. If you live in a different philosophy, and for you it is impossible to solve such issues in a reasonable way, you prefer to appeal to your unconscious and talk to your feelings, then your situation is more difficult. See articles Working with resentment, with anger. How I forgave my husband.
However, not always their resentments and grudges need to hide, and not always to be released from them immediately. The fact is that some people only respond to the language of their feelings. They really don’t understand normal requests and calm words, and until they see tears or at least serious hurt and frustration, they don’t respond. So, in such cases, you have to be offended / angry, hold a grudge, and forgive not immediately. If getting angry (for men) or offended (for girls) is expedient and will be good for the prospects of a good relationship, then – why not?
In the movie “Love and Doves,” the man wasted the family money on pigeons. How long was his wife mad at him? Four minutes? Do you think that would get the right result? It doesn’t seem like it’s going to be enough.
Behavioral forgiveness.
If we’re not talking about the soul, not the experience, but the behavior, the situation is very different.
If you have a person asking for forgiveness for some minor detail (such as sorry that I accidentally pushed you), then you can and should immediately forgive him, and safely expect that this person will try not to push you again. Bottom line: well-mannered people forgive easily for small things. If it is not about small things, then the question becomes more difficult.
It is important to understand that “forgiveness” or “non-forgiveness” – is only a tool of influence, which in some cases works, and in some not. So try it on: if it works for a particular person, use it. If it doesn’t work, don’t even bother.
For some people it is useless to forgive anything at all, because forgiving them or not forgiving them will not change anything. These are, for example, men who are alcoholics, or men who are strollers by their philosophy of life, these are girls who like only an easy life and are not familiar with what conscience is – the list goes on by yourself. To them, asking for forgiveness means nothing, and neither does your “forgiveness” or “no forgiveness.”
If he asked for forgiveness sober, and tomorrow he comes back drunk, you probably can’t forgive that. Forgiveness should not become a magnanimous inoculation to impunity, so – break up. And don’t get involved with people like that again.
You can relate to such people only as to a natural disaster – or to a wild animal, where only a muzzle or training works. If possible it is better not to deal with them at all, and if you have already contacted them, then just try to minimize the damage from them. That is all.
But I want to believe that there are other people around you: smart and decent. And the more people live as people, the more important to them is the attitude of other decent people. Accordingly, the more decent people are around you and the more you are an authority for them, the more important it is for them to ask your forgiveness, if necessary, and, having asked, to receive it. This is internally important for them. It is your forgiveness that should not be thoughtless. That is why reasonable and demanding people do not forgive everything, not always and certainly not at once.
How do you determine when and who to forgive and when it is too early and just not possible? The easiest and most reliable indicator is the quality of the request for forgiveness. The more thoughtful and responsible the request for forgiveness, the sooner the person can be forgiven. If the person has understood his mistake, made amends, and made all the necessary conclusions for the future, what more do you need? Bottom line: reasonable people forgive a fault or a grudge if the other person has asked forgiveness and made amends in an intelligible way.
And when do wise people necessarily forgive? When it is no longer appropriate to be angry. Indeed, if it makes no sense to continue complaining and resenting, if it does nothing, then what for? Resentment and anger pollute the soul. Learn to keep your soul clean!
Let us repeat the main idea of this article: to forgive is beautiful and noble. And it is even more beautiful not to get into situations where you have to forgive, because forgiveness presupposes that the person is guilty before you. But why do you blame him? It is wiser to live – in principle without blaming, accepting people and situations as they are, making the necessary (including tough if necessary) decisions about people and situations, but – without grudges and accusations. Just business. Then there is no need to forgive anyone.
The art of forgiveness: 10 facts that could be life-changing
Relationships between people are very far from perfect. It often happens that one person in one way or another makes the other feel unjustly humiliated. The process is like a stone thrown into water, from which waves of resentment, tension, and anger run in all directions, literally eating the offended person from the inside.
What does it mean to forgive a person? Forgiveness is the intentional decision to stop harboring negative emotions toward those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is the real key to moving forward, while the offense itself is a kind of anchor, inhibiting not only the development, but also the very life of the offended person. Of course, to forgive his offender can be very difficult, but it is very important to always and everywhere remember the reason why it is still necessary to do it. And in this article, we will look at 10 little-known facts about forgiveness that can help not only forgive someone, but also change your life.
1. You forgive other people because it’s good for yourself
Resentment is like a stone thrown into water, from which the waves of tension and anger scatter in all directions, literally eating the offended person from the inside, because he certainly begins to imagine how to get revenge on his offender. In such thoughts is very dangerous, because they are much like the very real disease. Its development can lead to anything up to mental illness or even a crime.
So resentment is akin to hatred, a destructive emotion that hurts the person affected more than anyone else. That’s why it’s so important to learn to let go of these negative emotions and instead of being angry at your abuser, try to find a reason to forgive. When you learn to move from anger to a more peaceful state and thought process, your life will fundamentally change.
2. By forgiving others, you become more compassionate and understanding
It is important for everyone to remember once and for all that trying to improve your own life by changing the people around you is a waste of precious time. It is important to change yourself and your attitude toward everything around you. Only this way of self-improvement is possible to become a step higher and learn to see your own and others’ deeds from the outside, thereby making steps towards forgiveness both for yourself and for the people who offended you or allowed betrayal towards you.
You will develop a feeling akin to mercy, which, as you develop your experience of forgiving others, will lead to an increased ability to be compassionate and understanding. Once you follow the positive path of forgiveness as a way to build relationships, it will very soon become apparent to you that the vast majority of people actually carry goodness in their hearts.
3. Forgiving a person for a particular act does not justify what they have done
Often resentment is for really good reasons. For example, when you have been insulted or humiliated by someone. Of course, sometimes with such a person it is best to stop any communication at all.
But it also happens that people often do not want to forgive another person for a particular heinous act, simply because they believe that forgiveness in such a case will imply that the actions committed against them are in principle acceptable to them, and theoretically they can be repeated. However, this view is actually wrong. People who need life skills must learn to forgive someone based on the benefits of forgiveness, in the affirmative action of which there should be no room for specific guilt.
4. You don’t have to expect an apology from someone to forgive them.
Everyone is different, and there is no way to change that. If for you to ask forgiveness for the offense is normal, for someone due to the nature of his character this particular action can be the most real test, despite the real remorse in his soul.
Therefore, in order to forgive a person, it is not at all necessary to wait for an apology from him, because such waiting can become eternal. There is no need to wait for anything. Just take the first step and forgive that person so that you can put this negative event behind you and keep moving forward.
5. Forgiveness promotes good health
Scientists have long provided compelling evidence that being able to forgive someone is extremely good for your health.
Indeed, when you are offended by someone, you gradually become sick to your body and soul. By learning to forgive and release all negative emotions and thoughts, you thereby deprive yourself of the “pleasure” of being hurt. Accordingly, this cannot but have a positive effect on the health of your nervous system and heart, because forgiveness and the subsequent state of tranquility will lead to a natural reduction in blood pressure.
6. When you forgive someone, the good feelings you receive from this action change you
The mindset change associated with forgiving others really is truly the best alternative to wanting to blame them for all their mortal sins, which can’t help but lead to better relationships with those around you.
Along with the ability to forgive, you will definitely have a much greater amount of time to understand the actions of people you encounter on your life path. As a result, you will be less sensitive to neglectful and disrespectful actions toward yourself, becoming above it.
7. Forgiving does not necessarily mean continuing to have a relationship with your abuser.
While the vast majority of times you should be required to forgive the person who has wronged you, you may still experience transgressions that are too serious, such as betrayal, treason and crime. In that case, forgiveness should no longer be an end in itself. It should only be a way to stop the soul-destroying disease of resentment.
Forgiving the person you do not have to continue the relationship with him. After all, it’s your life. And you shouldn’t contaminate it with conversations with people who can be a threat to you.
8. Don’t Judge Other People
There is a reason the gospel of Mathew says, “Judge not, lest ye be judged. “. Indeed, judging other people will not make you happy and will only contribute to your negative thinking.
Our whole lives are set up in such a way that we all come from different walks of life, and we all have our own reasons for doing what we do. Even though you may not always understand why other people do the things they do, you don’t have to judge them or think they are wrong. It’s much easier to ignore it. All you really need to do is not ruin your positive attitude. You don’t have to become a judge or jury. Instead, spend your time and energy on good deeds and good thoughts that will enrich your life.
9. The forgiveness process can be lengthy.
We are all human and have the right to doubt and to err. This includes the issue of forgiveness. The wrongs done to you may be too grievous, and you shouldn’t try to forgive your abusers right away. Let some time pass. Your thoughts will calm down, and your heart will not beat as fast. Observe your abuser. Does he really deserves that you again start to communicate with him? Listen to yourself and answer the question: have you really already forgiven the person or just made a small step in that direction?
10. Revenge and forgiveness are mutually exclusive
If you can forgive someone, then forgive, putting aside all thoughts of possible revenge against your abuser. Of course, sometimes it’s too hard to do, and to go through it will only help you time, which has already been mentioned above. Remember that if you bury the hatchet, but its handle will still be sticking out of the ground, it means that you have never forgiven that person.
Alas, life really is short. Forget about your abuser and focus on love and good intentions.
