Not confident in yourself – let’s study it point by point

How do I increase my self-confidence?

Client: I’m afraid to look into the future and don’t set long term goals because I don’t believe I can achieve it. What if it doesn’t come true? Coach: And what do you want as a result of our meeting? Client: To believe in myself…

Self-confidence is the key to our success. Sometimes people reach incredible heights only on the basis of strong self-confidence. But not everyone has it so pronounced. So how to boost self-confidence?

To increase self-confidence, you need to understand its nature.

Self-reliance is a person’s experience of his abilities, both adequate to the tasks he faces in life and those he sets for himself.

Thus, a sense of self-reliance comes to us when we recognize that our capabilities are adequate or appropriate to the task that we are currently undertaking. We can tell ourselves that it is “within our grasp.

From this definition, two conclusions can be drawn:

1. Self-confidence is always associated with tasks.

If there is nothing to solve, there is no need for confidence. If we are handed everything on a silver platter, then we will have confidence only that it will be so. And when the “free ride” ends (usually along with parental care), and there is no experience in solving problems independently by that time, there will be no confidence. Since we will not be able to assess whether or not we have all the means to solve the problem.

If we brand ourselves as “I am an insecure person,” it is highly likely that we are deceiving ourselves and walking away from action. For, an insecure person does not feel capable of handling any task. If we can cook our own eggs or tie our own shoelaces, that is clearly not our case. So the first thing is to outline the range of tasks where we feel insecure. That’s where confidence is built purposefully to the task.

2. Self-confidence is formed through a sense of their capabilities or abilities.

And this feeling in turn comes from experience. To conclude whether or not I can rely on myself in solving this task, we need to rely on something from our past or present.

We have tried something and either failed or succeeded. So, for example, we once set a long-term goal, walked to it, and got lost. And from this experience, we made a conclusion about ourselves: I’m not capable of setting long-term goals. From this, our self-confidence in setting distant goals is nullified.

Our experience of achievement, colored by negative emotional experiences, often distorts our perception of ourselves and inhibits our development. Experiencing one’s experiences as unhurried can be unreasonable. And so, to increase our confidence or regain it, we need to examine our experiences in a constructive way and draw conclusions from them that will encourage new actions and endeavors.

To increase self-confidence it is also important to deal with a concept such as a person’s level of ambition.

A person’s level of ambition is the desire to achieve goals of the degree of difficulty for which the person believes he or she is capable.

Our level of ambition shapes the list of tasks that we set for ourselves and, in part, those that arise before us.

If we overestimate ourselves and our abilities, we may set ourselves too ambitious tasks and raise the bar for mandatory achievements. If our self-esteem is underestimated, then we, on the contrary, minimize our aspirations and perform the tasks more easily than we actually can.

Psychologists have proven under experimental conditions that our level of ambition is formed under the influence of success or failure in the activity, or rather our subjective experience of their achievements as successful or unsuccessful.

And here a key mistake in the formation of the level of pretensions comes out: we can evaluate the experience as unsuccessful, but not understand that it is successful for our level of development.

For example, my daughter, age 6, sat down to draw in an online lesson after her teacher, a professional artist. She wasn’t able to do exactly the same as the teacher. She would get frustrated, tear up her drawings, and scream that she wasn’t going to study anymore. At that point, she was, first of all, not adequately shaping her level of aspirations. And secondly, she lived her experience as an unsuccessful one, because she could not achieve the result as a teacher. Even though I felt she was doing great, and to me the experience was a success.

So, to increase self-confidence, it is important to take on tasks in accordance with an adequate level of pretensions. Then our development will be harmonious, and we can strengthen our competencies, building like a snowball successful experience.

Self-confidence can gradually become a stable property of our personality, as we will transfer our successful experience to tasks that we have never done. But in order for this to happen, it is important to give ourselves time to form a baggage of success.

How to form it? Set ourselves tasks adequate to our level of pretension and solve them according to the following algorithm:

1. Choose a task that is relevant to you, the solution of which is really important to you.

This is important, because it determines whether or not you will make the effort and overcome difficulties if they arise.

For example, I want to launch a career coaching training course to pass on my experience and knowledge to my colleagues and to strengthen the professional environment in this type of help. This is one of my important professional goals, and I am willing to sweat to achieve it.

2. describe what abilities and capabilities are needed to accomplish this task.

List all of the resources that are needed to accomplish what you have in mind. You can use the 15 keys from the article “What Are We Missing in Career Development?” Part 1 and Part 2.

So, for a career coaching course, I need: practical experience and theoretical knowledge of the field, the ability to create training programs and impart my knowledge, the ability to describe the value of the course and promote it to convey that value to the target audience, the ability to organize the training process, and the time to apply all these skills.

3. Form your level of ambition in relation to your task.

What outcome do you expect? What exactly do you want it to be? And if you lower your expectations, what might the result look like?

For the harmonious development of confidence, it is better to designate three levels at once on the input: minimum, normal and super results. What for? This is how we bypass the trap of an overrated level of personal aspirations. You agree to the minimum variant and it is guaranteed to meet your capabilities. And once it is achieved, you can painlessly adjust your level of ambition to develop in a more environmentally friendly way.

For example, for a course, I can designate the minimum level as teaching a group of 6-8 people to get enough learning experience on this topic. Although the norm for me would be 15-20 people. Anything above 20 people would already be a super result.

4. assess how much you possess from the list in step 2.

This is where we begin to form the adequacy of the task to our capabilities. We honestly evaluate each item in terms of the level needed to accomplish that particular task. Not like my daughter: I also want to be a professional artist. How can we really do that?

Notice, we take only what we need to do the task as our fulcrum for the task. We don’t rely on unsuccessful experiences in other fields, or on being called a “no brainer,” a “fool,” a “mediocre” as a child. Put that aside until it gets in the way of your task. And if it does, just seek help from me or another coach or psychologist you trust to close the issue for you.

5. What can you do about what you are missing?

If you find that you are missing something, first, double-check that you really need it. Second, try doing a SWOT analysis on that item: what other capabilities or strengths can you acquire it from? Sometimes, just delegating to another professional is enough. Third, lower your level of ambition. Perhaps you are not yet competent enough to expect such a result. Fourth, if this is a stumbling block to action and there is nothing you can do right now to replace it, decide when and how you acquire the necessary capability/ability.

This is where we need to understand whether the current task is adequate to our capabilities in the end. Perhaps we can take on this task, but not now, but later, when we have pulled up the missing resources.

For example, for a course of the above, I have almost everything except a temporary resource, but it will come in about a month. So, I can decide on dates and schedule it to be created.

6. Assess the risks and weaknesses.

Even if we have everything, there may be internal barriers, circumstances, or a course of events that will affect the success of the task.

For example, my daughter would just quit halfway through her drawing because she felt the result was not up to her level of ambition. Each of us may have such internal restraints in our heads that at one point all of our efforts come to naught. It is important to recognize them and design your actions that will help you remove these constraints to your success. The stage of predicting risks helps us to form an adequate belief in ourselves: to see what depends on ourselves and what does not depend on us.

For example, knowing the way I work with course material, I can get stuck with books and preparation for months. So it’s important for me to organize my writing process so that I feel like I’m making progress, not trying to cram everything or even more in, and have time to do my other projects. So I’ll just get myself a coach to accompany me through this phase, put limits on the amount of time for each topic to prepare material, and form deadlines for the start of the course.

7. Design and Steps.

Design how you will construct a solution to the problem, taking into account risks and weaknesses. Then form for yourself at least a rough plan of steps you will begin to follow. In the process, maybe other steps will come and other opportunities will fly in.

8. Analyze the outcome.

When you’ve gone your way and achieved a result (or not) sit down to analyze:

  • Did your expectations and the result you achieved match?
  • What helped you achieve it?
  • What did you succeed in? What could have been done differently?
  • What conclusions can I draw about the correspondence between my capabilities/abilities and the task I have accomplished?
  • What conclusions can I draw about myself?

Before you evaluate your experience as unsuccessful, be sure to answer these questions. They will help you make the experience worthwhile in any case. Read more about how easy it is to live through failure in the article “How do I easily respond to my failure?”

These eight steps are worth doing for each task until you feel confident without additional analysis at the start of the next more difficult task. They will not only help you pump up your confidence, but also help you develop a resourceful approach to any task and a successful person’s mindset.

You should start your way to confidence with easy tasks, gradually increasing your level of difficulty. Each successful experience will become a brick to your basic self-confidence. And even if you stumble at some point, remember that there are experts like me who can help you in time to recycle your experience and take it easily and constructively.

Increasing your confidence is a process. It takes time for more and more successful experiences to accumulate in your life. If you didn’t acquire it as a child or for some reason squandered it in adulthood, prepare yourself for the fact that the road to self-confidence may not be traveled quickly. Give yourself time and encouragement that it is normal and attainable. At the very least, remove expectations of perfect success on your first attempt: it doesn’t have to work the first time, nor does it have to work the tenth time, nor does it have to work the hundredth time. Everyone needs a different number of times to succeed!

Love your business and have confidence in yourself!

Question from the coach: With what task will you begin to build confidence?

Copying and quoting of this article is possible only with the indication of the author – Marina Nekrestyanova

33 ways to fight insecurity and anxiety like Madonna

Are you wondering how to combat insecurity? That’s a good thing, because the lessons learned are meant to help us turn flaws into strengths! So why not make insecurity and anxiety your strengths? And why not learn this from Madonna, who appears on Forbes magazine lists and her life story is studied by Harvard students? For inspiration, look at Madonna. Those bold doubts in her words:

“I too have moments of doubt and weakness. Moments when I do something before I think it through. Moments when I take the easiest path. Moments when I gossip and get jealous. Moments of deep insecurity.”

We are not all endowed with her talents, but why not try to overcome the thoughts of “what if…” with self-expression?

Inspired by lines from Madonna’s song “Express Yourself,” this article compiles 33 vibrant ways to live life to the fullest, meeting approval, downfalls, searching for self and life values, spirituality, imperfection, honesty, creativity and purpose along the way.

1. Do what the inner voice says.

Before you do anything that gets on your nerves, write about what you like. Focus on what you love to do and put your heart and soul into it!

2. Make panic your friend.

The more you pretend not to panic, the more you can see that panic has overcome you after all. Jeff Goldblum in the movie “Jurassic Park” says:

“…life is not going to be measured. It easily gets out of hand, opens up new horizons and breaks down barriers for you, sometimes it’s painful and dangerous…life, um…finds a way out…”

Your panic is alive and giving you life, so don’t try to suppress it and use it as a trigger.

3. Reduce your alcohol intake and don’t be cold.

Don’t act cool. Feel the fullness of life and limit alcohol, sugar and caffeine, which fuel anxiety and mask feelings.

You should listen to your inner voice and be frank about your own feelings. Overcome fears by taking responsibility for your words and actions.

4. get rid of garbage and breathe.

Get rid of the junk that makes you fearful and apathetic and set priorities for yourself. Develop a life-affirming habit of breathing and living a measured life. Inhale on the count of 4, hold for 7-11 seconds and exhale again.

5. Stop being afraid to be misunderstood

Don’t count on people reading your mind. Choose the right words and go out of your way to tell people how you feel, what you think and what you want.

6. Rock the boat and don’t try to “fit in” with society

Don’t try to cater to other people’s whims or fit in with society. Strengthen your integrity and act intuitively. Your life is a constant choice. Make it and accept all the consequences of the choice.

Count on the best and don’t be afraid to try. It’s much safer in predictable circumstances, but what does it cost you? Don’t settle for less or not the best. Don’t be afraid when things fall apart. Always try new things and let them collapse, fail until you experience success.

7. Don’t be judgmental.

Stop putting labels on people. Aren’t you tired of judging yourself and others? When you stop doing that, you’ll notice that judgment used to take up a lot of space in your life.

8. Fail often, but pick yourself up quickly.

Pick yourself up quickly, because repeated failures provide invaluable lessons and opportunities.

9. Compare real and imaginary reasons for anxiety.

Analyze reality by comparing actual and perceived reasons for anxiety. Instead of making up unnecessary reasons for anxiety, use your imagination to your advantage and make something up.

Look for good qualities in people and start a cycle of help by offering and asking for help from others. Allow others to open up to you; in turn, do not be afraid to open up to them. Speak sincerely, so that you always see only the good in yourself and others.

10. Absorb emotions like a sponge.

Have you tried to dampen your emotions after being told you’re too sensitive? Tune in and channel that trait. After all, the opposite of emotion is apathy, indifference and callousness. So experience emotions and share them with those around you!

11. Get off your island and ask for help

Carve out at least an hour a week to communicate with those around you. Call a friend, schedule a meeting or a volunteer event. Make new acquaintances.

12. Reach out.

Thinking “what if…” is very selfish, especially when you think “What will I say to them when they stop talking?”

Don’t load your thoughts and help others by simply smiling and listening to them.

Forget superficiality; don’t overestimate or underestimate your virtues and problems. You don’t need riches, superficial illusions, or distractions. Feel centered, carefree, and sincere.

13. Get firm ground under your feet, start small and develop further

When you were in high school, many people got discouraged by unrealistic hopes and failures. With grandiose ideas come goals!

14. Think narrowly.

Your brain is too open to new possibilities! That’s beautiful and incredible. But focus on a certain thing to figure out all aspects of it.

15. Why are you so serious?

Stop taking yourself so seriously, learn to laugh and move on. Try to.

16. Let go of the reins and get wild!

Anxiety stands next to control, so step out of your comfort zone. Spend time in nature where you can find excellence beyond the monitor.

17. Learn to give thanks.

Attract success. Stay focused and use your intuition to attract luck at the right moment.

18. Think and be calm.

Keep your inner world in harmony and clear your thoughts by focusing on your breath. Do this for 10 minutes a day.

Find perfection in the imperfect and realize that you deserve a happy and interesting life. Real happiness is not about actions, but about a state of mind. Feel that state and live it to the fullest. You deserve it.

19 Be Like Our Little Brothers

Animals know how to live, so try to be closer to nature. Your pet will never judge or worry about the little things.

20. Practice a lot for success

Imagine becoming successful by overcoming all thoughts of “what if… “. Success is a result of practice, muscle memory. Read Amy Cuddy’s book “Presence” and practice positive body language, and then you will have corresponding thoughts.

21. Right to the end!

Don’t let anything, especially perfectionism, get in the way of the finish line. Constant work and persistence builds your success and confidence.

Always walk with your head held high. Rationally consider what “what if” thoughts lead to. Watch for when thoughts become irrational and change their direction.

22. Break down walls.

Feel and express your emotions, even anger. Honesty will break down the wall that separates you from others and lead to your goal and happiness.

23. No more manipulation

No more sighing, criticizing, complaining, and whining. Don’t pretend that everything is fine. Be realistic and act with confidence.

24. Be yourself and do self-development

Live your life as you see fit and continue to do self-development. For example, yoga on Thursdays is a good way to get to know yourself.

Find your moral and social norms, harmony and discipline, starting with bringing positivity and structure to your day.

25. Build relationships on empathy and friendship

Instead of using the destructive “I can’t” in your speech, speak positively and from your heart. Learn the art of caring without becoming a characterless person.

26. Balance

Prioritize the balance of a calm, healthy, measured life. Don’t underestimate the importance of a good night’s sleep, an organized home life, a healthy daily routine, breaks, and friends above “more important work.”

27. Kick some butt!

Don’t forget about regular exercise. Find yourself in one of the disciplines and connect with your breath, accomplishments, responsibilities and go all the way.

Channeling your anxious thoughts in the right direction turns them into expressiveness, allowing you to make decisions that will open new doors and improve your life.

28. Art and music.

Find your creative self through drawing, sculpture or music.

29. Do rearrange/decorate.

This can be a simple action such as rearranging a room or putting your closet in order. This is a positive action. Routine cleaning is also a good result.

30. Perform!

Enroll in a drama club or speaking class. Practice on your own, on camera, online or in front of a group.

Remember everything, don’t deny the past, but focus completely on the present. Do as much as you can in the present and don’t regret anything.

31. Find a reason.

It’s not the desire for rewards that will lead you to your goal, but finding a reason to love what you’re doing. Madonna also advises societies and schools:

“When you feel depressed or that you are trapped, stop thinking about yourself and do something good for someone else. It’s a great cure for sadness, anxiety and insecurity.” “

32. Focus on your goal.

Instead of worrying about what others think of you, think about what you want to get over it and learn something new. Ask yourself about your goals several times, and find the true reasons for your actions.

33. Make a positive, action-oriented to-do list!

Decide what you can do today without regretting what you’ve done. Take at least one step each day toward your goal.

At your next performance or event, let your anxiety run free. Develop, blossom, and shine with harmony and passion to turn insecurity into a way to express yourself.

P.S. We recommend another helpful article on the topic of working on yourself – 5 unusual habits of highly productive people.

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