In relations no emotions!
Hello,I would like to share one not very (good) situation which affected me and my girlfriend .
The thing is that we were fine, we met. We spent a lot of time together, it was without quarrels and shouts, swearing and other unnervotrepka… I feel a great attraction to her now, I understand that she is my person who can hold, calm down at the same time to express their point of view.
So, the point is that, yesterday evening she wrote me a message saying that our relationship is not enjoyable, that she is not suitable for the role of a woman in a relationship that her brain rejects any relationship and it eats away at the inside. after which I came, we communicated. she said that it was not at all in me and in her head. that she does not feel anything. supposedly broken sensitive and emotional parts that as soon as she is near me it is visited by these thoughts of failure and she begins to repeat devour and Bes Please help me.
Received 3 tips from psychologists
Sosnina Marina Stepanovna
Sosnina Marina Stepanovna
To understand what is going on with your girlfriend like this, just from your words is impossible. Persuade her to see a psychologist. If she is afraid, explain that she will be simply talked to, and maybe she will be asked to take some tests. Then it will become clear what is going on with it, and advise how to harmonize the relationship with herself and to return your good relationship.
Sosnina Marina Stepanovna, consultant psychologist, Khabarovsk.
Stankevich Angelica Vyacheslavovna.
Stankevich Angelica Vyacheslavovna.
We were spending a lot of time together, and it was going on without fighting and shouting, and other unnerving things.
That’s what’s so alarming. It is interesting that describing the relationship as good, you focus on the absence of quarrels as a criterion of its goodness. What really says that you and your girlfriend have a lot of things in your relationship that make it seem good.
I understand that this is my man who can hold, reassure at the same time make my point.
It is good that your girlfriend can do all this. At the same time you are not describing a relationship, but rather your need for support and, I would even say, an escape from something that needs reassuring. We all have a need that can be met by someone else, someone close to us. But the fact that this is what you are focusing on suggests that you are building relationships only in this rather narrow frame of reference, that is, out of a need for the other, when the other replaces a part of you that you are unable, afraid or ashamed to show.
Note that in addition to need, there are many equally important aspects woven into the fabric of the relationship. For example, love, gratitude, responsibility, freedom to express different feelings, freedom to choose different behavior, taking into account your and your partner’s boundaries and values, passion, the need to exchange tenderness, joy and at the same time pain, anger, if you want. In general, relationships serve not only for survival, but maybe even first and foremost, for Life.
She says that our relationship isn’t fun, that she doesn’t fit the role of a woman in a relationship,
In general, the way you described your relationship in your text makes me kind of bored, too. The words “I want to be with her because she supports me and comforts me” are more likely to describe the view of your partner as a function to be performed by you. And if the feeling these words evoke could be described, it’s a polarity, with boredom and longing on one end and anger at the other for that functional attitude. And there is certainly no pleasure in it.
What is annoying is that your girlfriend takes all the responsibility for this boredom and lack of pleasure on herself. And you, as if you agree with it. And what happens between you is the result of the way you make contact. And the responsibility is on both of you.
She says that it’s not me at all, but in her head. that she does not feel anything at all… her sensitive and emotional parts are allegedly broken, and as soon as she is near me she is visited by these very thoughts of breakage and she begins to devour and worry.
What your girlfriend calls “sensitivity breakdowns” is exactly what I was talking about, the suppression of emotions and worries in your relationship. And I notice you were happy about it. So maybe that’s exactly the point, that your girlfriend, trying to maintain this apparent well-being for you, suppressed herself emotionally completely? If she hadn’t, would you still be with her?
And do you need that kind of sacrifice?
You both need help. You can’t help her personally. You have to work with a psychologist to find out why you are fighting so hard and avoid arguments, swearing, as you say, to put it simply, conflicts. Conflict is a natural and necessary part of any relationship.
You are unstable in a conflict situation, and there is obviously a reason for that.
Through your changes, your relationship will begin to change.
You can also try to work with your girlfriend together with a psychologist. Maybe this will be enough, but as a rule, if something stagnates on someone’s pain point, personal psychotherapy will be recommended anyway.
Help her get her emotions back so she can smile like that again .
Your girlfriend can get it all back on her own, if she realizes and agrees to work with a psychologist. Just as in your case, through her changes your relationship can also change.
Why feelings disappear in a relationship and what to do about it
Love is the brightest and most beautiful feeling that makes you see the whole world in bright colors, to do stupid things and perform feats, to sacrifice and accept sacrifices. But the most important thing that love pushes us to – we create couples. And it seems that now it is forever. However, over time, the feelings in the relationship fade, the couple breaks up. Or conversely, the relationship moves to a higher level. Although more often it happens that feelings have faded, but the couple does not separate, because the habit has remained. It is clear that everyone wants to “live happily ever after,” but how to achieve it? Well, neurophysiologists and psychologists have long been ready to give an answer.
Why the relationship between a man and a woman is fading
To understand why feelings disappear in a relationship, you need to understand how they arise. And there is nothing mystical here. The reason for everything is the need for offspring. And the more evolved the organism, the more complex are the mechanisms that push it to reproduce. In humans, as the most evolved creature, these mechanisms include love. More precisely, falling in love. And this is not something magical (although it feels that way). On the contrary, all the beautiful things we feel when we are in love are nothing more than a “cocktail” of several chemicals called neurotransmitters. These are the real arrows of Cupid, which aim not at the heart, but directly at the head:
- Oxytocin, or the attachment hormone;
- Vasopressin, also the “hormone of attachment and loyalty,” but in men (vasopressin plays a smaller role in women);
- Dopamine – this is what causes joy, longing to see your beloved and other magical feelings;
- Phenylethylamine, the “hormone of love.
Neurotransmitters such as noradrenaline and adrenaline also play a role. But dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and phenylethylamine are the real formula for love.
All of these hormones are produced when a guy or girl meets his or her “other half”. But the nature doesn’t provide a long-term production of the “cocktail”. According to statistics, the lifetime of love is three years. Then the production of hormones decreases (according to biological logic, three years is enough for birth and upbringing of offspring, then everyone can look for a new partner). And if by that time the couple has not got their life together, feelings disappear. And nothing comes to replace them, at best. At worst, there is dislike.
Thus, feelings in a relationship fade for a very trivial reason. Mother nature has not provided for “happily ever after. Do not forget about the psychological aspect – in many ways our choice of partner, the “program” of relationships with him, the expectations of the relationship – is the result of social, family and other settings that were received in childhood. Yes, it is difficult. But love is always complicated.
Knowing this, you can better understand why feelings in a relationship have faded, and what to do about it. Let’s look at the main “aggravating” factors.
Routine and monotony in life
The same thing, day after day. Routine can kill the most vivid feelings and desires, and it is also easy to explain: the more boring the event, the less dopamine. And no dopamine means no interest. Hello, grayness and boredom.
Lingering unresolved conflicts, unforgiveness, resentments
If feelings in a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend fade, the reason often lies in the offenses and conflicts. Forgot to buy flowers, not grateful for dinner, chose a meeting with her friends to go to the country … We all resent the partners. But it is important to remember: you can not hold grudges and claims inside. Partner is not a psychic, he can not read minds. And the game of “guess what I was offended by” does not lead to success. Most conflicts can be solved by a frank and calm conversation. Talk to each other, it helps.
At the beginning of the relationship different views on certain events, things may not seem critical. Butterflies in the stomach … But over time, more and more irritated by the habits of the partner, his beliefs. In extreme cases there is a complete mismatch of positions in life. For example, not a mutual desire to have children. Or different views on life, gender roles. The bad news is that you will not be able to re-educate the person, and if you “bend” it to suit you, it will end badly. The good news is that there are many people in the world, and it is possible to find another person with whom your life stances will coincide perfectly.
A family crisis
Often, feelings in relationships also fade after a long family life.
Experts call several family crises at once:
- The first 1-2 years of the relationship (fitting in);
- The first 3-5 years (decrease in the level of hormones of love), plus, frequently, the birth of a child;
- 7 years – aggravation of old problems against the background of settled life (we remember the routine);
- 10-14 years old – mostly coincides with the mid-life crisis;
- 15-19 years – as a rule, arises from the syndrome of “empty nest.
The bad news: every crisis can lead to a breakup. The good news: if you overcome another crisis, the relationship will only get stronger.
Stresses and fatigue.
Where to get tenderness, understanding, patience, even a banal desire for sex, if all the nerves and strength left at work? Chronic stress and fatigue – this is one of the main enemies of any relationship. Rest more often and get enough sleep (not “where”, and sleep at least 7 hours a day).
Signs of a fading relationship
How do you know that feelings have faded in a relationship with a girl or a guy? It’s easy. There is no such desire to see each other. Irritation at what used to be considered a nice quirk or even an attractive character trait appears. There is less desire for sex. Disagreements are felt more acutely, arguments arise more often.
What to do with a faded relationship – practical tips
So, what you can do if in a relationship with a guy or girl faded feelings:
- Recall forgotten hobbies. Why forget about them at all, love does not require such sacrifices. Or get a hobby – life doesn’t have to be limited to relationships and work.
- Realize that your partner is what he is. Re-educate him will not work. And either accept it as it is, or not.
- Find a common language. Over-education is impossible, but to reach a compromise on many issues is realistic. Discuss problems calmly and with respect for each other.
- Deal with resentments, expectations, and mismatches in interests or views. If you need a marriage counselor or personal therapist for this, go see one.
- Understand that falling in love always goes away. But if there is mutual respect, caring, tenderness, common goals – falling in love is replaced by love. And let it be not so bright, but strong, the one that for many, many years.
Is it worth saving faded relationships.
When the relationship is lost feelings, it can be a surmountable obstacle. The question is when it is worth saving the relationship. But it’s better to consider situations when it’s not worth saving:
- You’re uncomfortable, bad in the relationship, your self-esteem is dropping because of your partner, your autonomy is diminishing. And here it does not matter whether you have faded feelings or not. If you feel worse with your partner (morally or physically) than without him – leave. If you are afraid to do it, leave.
- The partner is not interested in you physically. Sex is an important part of any relationship, and if there is no desire for intimacy with a particular person, but everything is okay with libido in relation to other people, there is nothing to save.
- There is no mental interest. If you feel only a physiological desire for intimacy, it is not a relationship.
- Different views on the way of life and values. For example, it is difficult to imagine a harmonious happy union between a person who dreams about children, and a childfree.
- The fading of feelings is mutual. Recognizing this is difficult, but it is better to break up peacefully than to live out of habit.
How to save a faded relationship.
For starters – to remember how it all began. What were you like. Recall your interests, hobbies, topics for conversation. And try to restore them. Or find new interests that diversify life. To feel everything the same as it was in the beginning, you need to live the same.
Talk to your partner. You need to find out what went wrong. Maybe the reason is routine. Maybe there are health problems – the same lack of iodine causes apathy, irritability. Our emotional sphere is largely dependent on the physiology, and diseases, abnormalities affect even the love. In men – even more than in women.
How not to let the feeling fade in the relationship.
So that the feeling did not fade, and went to a higher level, do not lose yourself in the relationship. Do not give up yourself for your partner, because a normal relationship is only growth, for both. Don’t let the routine consume you, resolve conflicts immediately rather than holding a grudge for months. Appreciate, respect each other, be the way you are. And so that the love boat did not break on life, immediately negotiate all the issues. Even such a small thing as taking out the trash or go get bread. Because everything in our lives is built from little things. And they can destroy even the brightest and most beautiful feeling (the real case of divorce – her husband did not close the tube of toothpaste). And – many of the problems can be solved by a therapist.