What to do if her husband left for another: psychologists’ tips
Husband leaving the family for another woman – a serious blow to the psyche of his wife, especially her self-esteem. Only in isolated cases, it is not difficult for a woman to come to her senses and not hurt by what happened. Complicating the situation is the fact that there are common children – then hurt for them too. Abandoned wife overflowing mass of negative emotions: from hatred for him and his mistress to boundless self-pity. Deal with them and act, guided by the peculiarities of the current state, will help effective advice from psychologists.
Husband leaving the family to another woman – a serious blow to the psyche of his wife, especially in its self-esteem. Only in isolated cases, it is not difficult for a woman to come to her senses and not hurt by what has happened. Complicating the situation is the fact that there are common children – then hurt for them too. Abandoned wife overflowing mass of negative emotions: from hatred for him and his mistress to boundless self-pity. Deal with them and act, guided by the peculiarities of the current state, will help effective advice from psychologists.
Husband left – how can it be?
When the husband left for another, further events can develop depending on the situation. Common options:
- The wife realizes that she loves this man, despite the fact that he left her, and wants to return him in every possible way. The husband, despite the fact that he left, does not rule out the possibility of a return and is quite likely just confused. You can not absolve him of responsibility for such an act, but often it is not his feelings for his mistress, but the efforts and cunning of the latter. In such a situation, there is a high probability that the joint life will alienate him and the new passionate from each other, and he will wistfully begin to remember his good sweet wife, a cozy home and the best children.
- A wife wants to return an unfaithful man, but not because of warm feelings. More often she is guided by a thirst for revenge, a desire to restore low self-esteem and “win” rival, fear of raising children alone and the loss of financial stability, pressure from others.
- Regardless of what the spouse wants, the husband is not going to return from the other, he is happy there, and he is happy in the new relationship, despite the devastation he left at home.
The reasons why guys most often leave the family:
- Can’t handle the strain of a shared household and newborn children, runs away from responsibility;
- Feels discomfort in life together: there is no understanding, support, respect, good regular sex, quarrels often arise, and there is someone on the side with whom the relationship is much more like;
- fell in love like never before, and is convinced that he met the exact person he needs;
- wife ceases to attract as a woman and a person: run down her appearance, became uninteresting, grooming and lightness of a new girl as a breath of fresh air.
What to do: advice from psychologists
The first thing to do to get over a betrayal is to analyze the situation when emotions have subsided and admit your guilt for what happened. This will help you understand what you need to work on and how to improve yourself. Next, experts recommend not to suppress emotions in any case – to cry out, to vent, to pour out all the pain on something. Helpful ways to get overpowered are:
- Stay alone for a while to cry and feel sorry for yourself;
- Tell your loved ones or a qualified professional about your pain;
- apply art therapy to alleviate your suffering: drawing, sculpting, singing – things that help ease the state when the soul is in pain.
After you have managed to at least partially cope with your emotions, you need to continue living for the sake of yourself and your children.
Concentrate on those who are left in the family.
Just because a husband and father betrayed his family for a mistress, does not mean that this topic should now be the only one that worries his wife. At times like this, many women are very tempted:
- To tell those around them how bad he and his chosen one are and to hear words of encouragement confirming what they have said;
- Find out details about the woman who made him decide to leave his wife, to compare himself with her and win the comparison;
- Say nasty things and rebuke him every time he calls or comes over;
- To remember all his faults, resentments against him and unpleasant moments of life together.
All these desires are natural to the psychology of a resentful woman. But they have a big disadvantage – they are focused on the man’s personality, and he of all family members deserves the least attention – he met someone else, wants to live with her and he certainly is better than his wife and children.
Some wives after her husband left for a rival closed in itself, ashamed to talk about it, their self-esteem is plummeting, and they suffer in silence. This behavior is due to the individual characteristics of temperament or lack of loved ones in the environment of the woman. If the cause of withdrawal is loneliness, it is necessary to consult a specialist. The accumulation of emotions is fraught with many psychosomatic diseases.
What the wife needs to do is to shift the focus of attention from the betrayer to herself and the children. This helps to cope with the pain, forget the ex and understand that there are many wonderful things in the world besides the connection with him. Tips from psychologists to help you through the blow:
- Appearance: lose excess weight, tweak your figure with sports, update your closet, go to a beauty salon and make such trips regular.
- Professionalism: to plunge headlong into work, to master new skills, to strive for promotion or increase of income.
- Development: attend trainings, seminars of famous coaches, get additional education.
- Broadening of horizons: to travel, meet new people (in the gym, at trainings and in educational institutions), watch quality movies, read books, go to a concert of your favorite band, to the theater or the opera.
- Independence: think about what they can do to increase their income and risk starting their own business.
They worry about the upset and crying mom and dad gone, often blame themselves for everything with the child’s characteristic egocentrism. It’s very hard for them at these moments, because if the adults are both to blame for what happened, the children have nothing to do. And suffer no less than an abandoned mother.
What they need to do:
- Try not to give negative evaluations of their father in front of the children. You can try to tell them that it happens, it hurts and hurts, but no one is immune to it and we all need to get through it together. If possible have this conversation with your husband, but first agree on his tone and the information that will be given.
- Give them all the attention and warmth – the woman herself will feel better, and the children in these circumstances is a must.
- Reassure the child that he is still loved and don’t let him doubt it by coping with his emotions.
- Don’t cut off children’s communication with their father – when they grow up (and maybe even now) they will understand everything about what he did, but if they are deprived of communication with him, they may be offended for life
- the advantages or disadvantages of the rival – both the former and the latter are unpleasant for the wife;
- How happy the husband is with her;
- how obvious his desire to “go off to the side” was before;
- how difficult it will now be for the woman to stay alone or try to build a new relationship;
- “the children are fatherless, I feel sorry for them;
- it was her own fault – she let herself go, nagged him, etc.
- this is a good impetus for a reassessment of family life, analysis and development;
- you have more time for yourself;
- opportunities to do things that he did not approve;
- it becomes easier in everyday life – from cleaning to cooking;
- If the relationship was tense with frequent scandals – after his departure comes the calm and quiet
What will help to return?
Trying to get a spouse, guided by the lust for revenge and wanting to restore bruised ego, do not. Such a relationship is doomed, because the reasons why her husband left, with a high probability will remain.
If time passes, and the woman is not getting easier, because she still loves her man and wants to be only with him, you can try to get him back. There are no guarantees that attempts will be successful, but there is still a possibility. Effective ways:
- He gets more time for a new relationship;
- He gets weaned off the children and all care for them falls on the shoulders of their mother, which complicates her situation.
It is important to look great at every meeting: do your hair, makeup, manicure, dress nicely, put on perfume and smile a lot. You can’t have a situation where your husband is convinced that your wife has changed for the worse without him.
How to forget?
It will help to forget your husband after many years of life together these tips from psychologists:
- Act according to the above tips to help self-improvement. This will help to distract, not to feel like a victim, to open up previously unexplored possibilities.
- Begin to trust men again. Experiencing with one doesn’t mean that everyone is like that. It is important to allow them to give themselves signs of attention, to flirt. In addition to helping boost self-esteem, it gives a woman a chance to consider a new suitor for the hand and heart.
- Do not call and do not impose. Occasions for communication can be joint family affairs (business, division of property, holidays of friends and relatives) and children. “Out of habit” to look for reasons to talk is not worth it.
- Get rid of things that remind you of him: his clothes, souvenirs, books, gifts.
- Meet with him on neutral territory – so move the meeting morally easier.
Do not lose heart – the main task of women who left her husband for another, and it came to a divorce. This is necessary for her and their children together, if any.
“What I realized when my husband left for another, younger woman.”
Through pain, sleepless nights, and self-injury, you can get to know the most important person, yourself. To accept and love yourself and begin to treat yourself with care and attention. That’s exactly what happened to journalist Katya Mitchell.
“Well, you’re so much prettier than she is! – concluded my best friend, when I first dared to show a photo of that girl. – No, she’s good, of course, but you, with your gorgeous hair, just outshine her.”
My friend did her best to cheer me up. It was our pre-Christmas dinner, the traditional gathering of our four former college classmates. I didn’t want to touch the subject, so as not to spoil the holiday, but I couldn’t help myself and cried and told them everything.
My husband, with whom we lived for 13 years, left me for another woman. The last few months of our life together were poisoned with suspicion and at the same time denial about what was going on. Eventually I discovered their correspondence. The man I loved was writing to the other woman, “If love is capable of sacrifice, I am willing to make any – just to be with you.” This paralyzed me.
However, it was necessary to accept the new reality. My husband was honest and did exactly what he said he would do. He sacrificed our home, the noisy round-table dinners with the kids that he loved so much, the car trips that we had so happily prepared for. We would never have Christmas mornings together again, and we would never be able to look back and smile at each other as we saw the delight of the children unpacking presents. He had sacrificed it all for another woman who was fifteen years younger than me.
I told my girlfriends this, and tears flowed into my plate of pasta. “But you’re so beautiful!” – was the comforting and nonsensical phrase I heard that night and heard it for the next few months. And, I have to admit, sometimes it helped. It was nice to know that someone still saw me as an attractive and desirable woman, even if it didn’t keep my husband away.
My not-so-housewife friends also reminded me of my other virtues, which, in their opinion, also added to my points: “You cook so well, and you even bake your own bread. My friends, unsuccessfully battling weight, recalled how I had lost weight heroically after having two children and started wearing the same size jeans as I had when I was younger. “Has he gone blind?” – they puzzled. “You gave him two children,” reminded those who didn’t have any.
All these flattering words were spoken from my heart with the hope of supporting me, and I will always be grateful to my friends. I realize now that they saw in me, above all, qualities and results of life that they did not have. These seemed to be my greatest strengths and winning points. However, reminding them of what I had left did not relieve a sense of emptiness and inner deadness.
Maybe it wasn’t my changed appearance. Maybe I hadn’t prioritized it enough and wasn’t paying enough attention to it.
I remember well that Saturday afternoon in November, when we sent the children to their mother’s house and were finally able to talk openly. I thought we still had a chance to make things right. I was wrong-it was over. He explained it very simply and coldly, looking past my shoulder: “Before, I thought you were the answer to all my questions. With her, however, I suddenly discovered that there are entirely new levels, wider than the reality to which I was accustomed. I can no longer live with the clear answers that pleased me before I met her.”
He left. It was time for dinner, but of course I couldn’t eat. I filled the tub with unbearably hot water, my hands were shaking, and everything inside seemed to shake, too, shifting my internal organs. I stared intently at my stomach, its skin stretched after two difficult pregnancies. It would never be as firm as it had been when we’d met and couldn’t tear ourselves away from each other.
I thought about how a 24-year-old woman’s body looked more seductive and desirable. Or was it not about my changed appearance? Maybe I hadn’t prioritized it enough and wasn’t paying enough attention to it? I wasn’t interesting in conversation or in bed? He would come back from his busy business trips, tired, and greeted by our noisy children, who almost never gave us a chance to be alone. I needed to plan our lives so that there would be time for the two of us. For a second I thought about my future life alone, and panic gripped me.
I spent the next four months in grueling worries: dividing and selling the house, restoring my maiden name, and reissuing the documents in my former name. But all that was nothing compared to the pain I felt when I learned of his engagement only a couple of weeks after we had finalized our divorce.
Now she was coming with him to pick up the kids on the weekends. She was with him at all the dinners with his family together. And all this time I couldn’t stop our “competition,” reinforcing my position with the arguments and compliments that my friends were generous with: “You’re beautiful. You are kind and tactful. You were a wonderful wife.”
However, even repeating these affirmations didn’t help me much. One day a friend uttered a phrase over the phone that suddenly shook me up. He said: “No matter what your partner does, it’s just his choice, which doesn’t characterize you in any way. What happened has nothing to do with you personally or what you may or may not have done for your relationship.” That phrase came at a time when I needed it most.
I accepted and loved my own imperfection. It was a turning point that made me feel better.
After months of endless comparisons and complaints about myself, guilt and powerlessness began to recede. I fell asleep, revisiting those words over and over again, gradually realizing their truth. His leaving had nothing at all to do with who I was or wasn’t to him. And even if I imagined that there was a perfect woman whose image I matched 150%, the outcome of our marriage could remain exactly the same.
I am a real person, and I have a right to be in a bad mood, to be tired, to feel insecure and to ask for help. I accepted and loved my own imperfection in myself. It was a turning point after which I felt better every day.
Yes, I still have periods of discouragement and self-injury, but deep down I always know that I won’t let that condition take hold of me. All the pain I went through revealed a new side of me: one that no longer depends on the evaluations of outsiders and even those close to me, that gives me strength, taste, and interest in continuing my journey.