My husband humiliates me – what you need to know

Legal Responsibility of Spouses for Abuse and Neglect

For many Russian families it has become common to see family violence, and usually the most severe cases are recorded. Such abuse types as beatings, humiliation, psychological pressure and insults are not made public. Sociological studies show that cruelty occurs in families with different social status and income levels. Many people believe that if a husband insults and humiliates his wife, it is their own business and no one should interfere in the conflict. However, great violence begins with a small one.

If you do not suppress manifestations of cruelty at the very beginning, the result can be sad. According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs over the past 10 years, 70% of all murders are committed in the family. And about half of the crimes are committed by women who are no longer able to tolerate insults and beatings from their husbands.

As women’s social role and status have increased, so has their marital behavior. Women’s domestic violence is quite common and usually manifests itself in the form of insults, both to husbands and to children. To prevent severe consequences, it is important to know how to stop the aggressor, and what to do if the abuse has already occurred.

Reasons for aggression

The CAO defines insult as humiliation of the honor and dignity of another person. These actions are manifested exactly in an indecent form and are committed with the aim to hurt the self-esteem, to cause physical and moral suffering. It can be both physical impact in the form of slaps, slaps, shoves, pulling by the hair, and verbal insults, profanity.

First of all, you need to understand the reason for this behavior of the spouse. The most frequent insults occur during family scandals and quarrels. Since both sides are often to blame for the conflict, you should respond to aggressive behavior correctly, depending on the situation. In practice, there are several reasons for insults:

  1. Response to provocation. When the husband makes derogatory remarks to his spouse, she responds with an insult. Or the husband responds to his wife’s temper and inappropriate behavior by allowing himself to be physically assaulted.
  2. Retaliation. When one spouse constantly reminds the other of his or her blunders and failures, the other spouse responds with insults.
  3. Lack of a culture of behavior in the family.
  4. The desire to show their power. This motive is more typical for men who believe that they have the right to express their emotions in relation to his wife in any way.
  5. Victim psychology. This behavior is most typical of women who are afraid to fight back the aggressor, believing that it will only worsen the situation.

Systematic insults and humiliation in the family usually lead to the dissolution of the marriage. But before you go to extreme measures, you can try to influence the aggressor through legal means.

The legal concept of abuse

In order for behavior to qualify as an insult, two conditions must be met:

  1. It must be directed at a specific person and be in the form of physical abuse or derogatory remarks. Ignoring a spouse or keeping silent will not be considered an insult. Foul language spoken out of turn is also not an insult.
  2. Behavior that is contrary to generally accepted norms of morality and ethics and is characterized by cynicism will be considered demeaning. It is important that the indecent behavior be from an objective point of view. If the victim considers for himself offensive and humiliating words or actions, which for most people are not, then they cannot be called insulting.

Prosecution for insult is possible only when there is no retaliatory aggression on the part of the victim. Otherwise, he himself may become a defendant in this offense.

How to hold a spouse responsible

You should suppress spousal abuse for the following reasons:

  • First, over time, the aggression can escalate, with the insults turning into a hand-to-hand or battery. This can later lead to a reciprocal explosion of violence by the other spouse and end in injury or even death for one of them.
  • Secondly, a violent atmosphere in the family has a negative impact on the psyche and behavior of children. They may become withdrawn and fearful, or conversely aggressive and out of control.
  • Third, regular insults and abuse damage the relationship between spouses and can lead to divorce.

There are several options for bringing the spouse to justice, it all depends on the situation:

  1. Administrative responsibility for insult is provided by Art. 5.61 of the Administrative Code. The penalty for such an offense will be a fine of 1,000 to 3,000 rubles. In order to bring the offender to justice, it is necessary to apply to the prosecutor’s office. In accordance with the application, the prosecutor issues an order to initiate a case, which is transferred to the magistrate’s court. . The amount of punishment can be specified at your discretion, the final amount will be determined by a judge, depending on the extent of the moral damage caused.
  2. Appeal to the district inspector. In this situation, there is no point in writing a complaint to the police, because insults are not a criminal offense. It is better to ask the district inspector to conduct an explanatory conversation with the aggressor or threaten to bring him to criminal responsibility, for example, for hooliganism.

For the court case, you must prepare convincing evidence of your spouse’s abusive behavior. This may include:

  • Testimony from friends and relatives;
  • A video recording on a phone camera;
  • A printout of SMS messages or Internet correspondence;
  • Recording of verbal abuse on a dictaphone.

If the spouse insulted by posting defamatory information on social networks, a screenshot of the page on which the insults were published should be made. To record the date and time of publication, you need to invite witnesses or a lawyer, draw up a protocol of inspection and attach it to the case file. In this case it will be possible to qualify the information as a public insult, and the fine for such an offense will be from 3,000 to 5,000 rubles.

If the insults led to a deterioration of health, such as a hypertensive crisis or heart attack, as evidence, you can present a medical history extract. In the case of bruises or abrasions during an insult, they must be recorded in a medical facility, then the actions of the aggressor can be qualified as hooliganism, for which criminal penalties are provided.

Insults in the family must be dealt with before they become systematic, and better yet, they should not be tolerated. To save the family, you can try to persuade the aggressor to visit a family psychologist to correct the behavior, or ask a family member to influence the bully. Bring the abuser to administrative or criminal responsibility only in the case when other methods do not work anymore and the marriage is on the verge of collapse.

If the husband insults.

Please advise! I am 26 and my husband is 30. A year married. The third time I raise the question of divorce. Each time the reason is the same – my husband called me a swear word (bitch, f… or b…) and does not apologize (says: “that said, that said”). According to him, it was my own fault, so I got it. One time I turned off the alarm clock and woke him up half an hour late, another time I sat at his computer without his permission, etc. He has a very tough mom, used to beat him with a belt when he was a kid, put him on the peas, and he hasn’t spoken to her in 17 years. She wants to make up, but he ignores her. His daddy is kind and gentle. After his insults, everything is frozen inside. In my family, they didn’t even say swear words in jest. My husband doesn’t want to discuss this situation, he thinks it’s an everyday thing, that I am worrying about nothing. He does not understand why I should apologize, he says: “Imagine a man – he will review you, and then apologize, and then he will review you again and apologize again. Would you be happy with that? Is that what you want?” We’ve been planning children, a mortgage. Husband doesn’t want a divorce, says I’m the best, really wants kids from me. When I got married, I thought sex wasn’t important, as long as he didn’t cheat on me. Now I understand: sex is important, and it’s better to have it more often, but after his insults I don’t want it anymore. And before marriage sex was not often, and now less and less often … I know that we married for mutual great love, he is reliable and responsible. But I am tormented by the question: how to give birth to a man who calls you names and does not apologize. And I chose him myself. Divorce and look for another or improve relations with her husband? Help!

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Our Expert Opinions


I think your husband just thinks you’re not going anywhere. He’s not afraid of losing you, so he doesn’t even try to hold himself together. Actually, that means he doesn’t care about you. It’s like a thing you don’t feel sorry for – you don’t think about the fact that you might ruin it, because it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how much love you have had, but I do know one thing: if you love someone, you try to make them feel good not only in bed, but also in their everyday life. A loving man will not insult his woman, especially if she tells him directly that she doesn’t like it. And you know, I wouldn’t even care about that question in the first place, but what kind of upbringing your husband will give your children if he himself is such a boor when he’s around you… And you’ve been so cheap to trade such a bargaining chip as a divorce. You can’t bring it up in vain. If you’re not happy with something so much that you’re really ready to get a divorce, at the very least pack up and leave, let him run after you and ask for forgiveness. And so – well, said once, said the second, now at least ten more times say – it’s for him nothing. He has already realized: you’re not going anywhere.


In general, stay or go – it’s a matter of taste. If you think that your husband is a reliable and responsible person, which is, in general, very good, then perhaps you should learn to swear back. Maybe he has this manner so inborn, and he does not swear, but really just talks that way. Well, answer him the same way. He’s gonna hit you on the motherfucker, and you’re gonna give him a three-story, twisted, three-story response. He’s like, “Good morning, sweetheart,” and you’re like, “Hi, honey.” And everything will be just fine. Then, though, it can come to violence. But here, too, it can be just a little unusual character. So we all have our own quirks. So, what, are we getting a divorce now? Just add a couple of toothpicks to the standard morning greeting. “How did you sleep, darling?” and a BAM in the eye. “Oh, lovely, darling,” and a bang to the foot. Well, all in all, “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” a free Russian interpretation. Well, seriously, personally for me such an insult is a manifestation of total disrespect. And if they don’t respect me, they don’t love me. And if they don’t love me, then what am I doing here? So in this situation, I would dot my I’s and cross my T’s the first time. And if it happened again, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. And I would explain to your husband that a person who insults me, and then apologizes, can be forgiven if one explanation is enough and it is not repeated. But if this man allows himself to repeat the demarche, motivated by the fact that he is so used to it and that he is ready to apologize again, then he will go in the same march to communicate with anyone, but not with me. That’s all. I do not tolerate rudeness and disrespect. From anyone. So what you do, you decide. But personally, I would send such a husband away, before he started to spread his hands.

Which expert is right?

Vote for one of the opinions. Which point of view is closer to you?

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Best comments

I am insulted by my husband, he says I am a misunderstanding, that I am stupid, I have wanted to leave many times but I could not. After insulting me calmly comes up as if nothing happened. What to do please help.

I have been living with such a husband for 20 years – he will say something nasty and then apologize. I divorced, but it was very difficult. He came, long persuaded me to live together again, swore that he was “reborn,” but in the end, everything is the same. The children have grown up, and after the next confrontation, I do not want to communicate with him, because he, even when he asks for forgiveness, he is justified. I am sick of it. I will divorce him. Look for a nurturing companion, don’t suffer. You’re just different. And you can’t change him.

Omg. Are you out there with that ripped out all over your head still alive? Marry a convict, a hereditary alcoholic and a kitchen boxer with no education or any upbringing and then be surprised. And you want to have a baby with a 40-year-old biomur. Excuse me, but you saw what kind of pig he was and happily lay down next to him in the dirt, and now you’re moaning.

I live with him, sex is disgusting, because morally he destroys me with his rudeness, I was afraid of divorce, I loved, now it seems like a way out, what good is left to him, overlapped by the bad, and rightly so, they say, such also dissolve the hands, I got a concussion because of the scandal Even a light slap on the arm, you’ll get much more pain in return You can not write them off on any family problems This is a problem in the head because of the stupid upbringing or lack of it This is not a man, a dick with a pussy Get rid of them They ruin life and think they are king and right in all cases

Experts are strong.They should be extorted.In one year, three divorces, there is no love.You should live on your own, and now you should reap the benefits.

Oh, girls, it is so sad to read the comments of unhappy married women. It’s a shame there are so many of you. I’m not married yet and I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I really hope that I will have a happy family. A year and a half ago I met the psychologist Irina Kassatenko. She helped me in many ways. If I have any family problems in the future I will definitely turn to her. Girls, she conducts free webinars about disrespect in the family. Be sure to attend! I heartily recommend it! I so wish there were more happy women))

Thanks to the author! Clear, to the point. I was VERY helpful at one time youtube video Husband abuses and humiliates you? Here’s why Irina Kassatenko. It was the most systematic explanation for getting out of all the FIGNESS that was going on in my relationship.

It’s a painfully familiar story. We’ve been living together for six years now. Three years of being married. But nothing has changed. The way he was, the way he stayed, and I am devastated. And I’m only 24. I realize it’s time to end it. Aware of future changes and not afraid to leave everything, but still do nothing.

The problem is my mother. I’m sure he wants to punch her in the face for constantly humiliating him. That wound won’t just heal. He is in a stupor and his mother causes him aggression, but he cannot do anything about it. Who will criticize me, go to hell, I know what I’m saying. My advice to you is to learn how to use your magic hole. This will erase the resentment and improve your relationship. If you’re too picky with men, you’ll end up a used-up old maid. Nothing personal.

And how is it, to use your magic hole, while, as the author wrote, she does not want to use it after the insults to her address. Or do you think that if she only walked around naked in front of him, then she wouldn’t be insulted?

We have been married for three years. i am 28, he is 40. love at first sight, we got married after two months of acquaintance. for the sake of being with me he changes a lot. and i can see, and friends said. he changes awfully for the better! but. my husband is very hot tempered, abrupt as diarrhea, aggressive especially when he drinks. Before me he lived with a girl for over five years and then after the wedding I found out from his friends that he beat her. she even had a concussion. he said that she was stupid and did everything bad on purpose and to spite him. well, I heard it and not even from him, so it may well be anything. we had situations where he raised his hand, but. maybe not much and hit, since he is still with him?! i know and i know that i love him so much that i feel like i suffocate when i imagine he’ll be gone. i know and i see that i know and i feel that he is not there. i do love him so much that i feel suffocated when i imagine he’ll be gone. And I know and see and feel that he loves me even more. but how?! I do not understand how it is possible? an example from a couple of days ago: how can you hit me because I braked sharply and his beer bottle spilled in the car. and then claim that I knocked the bottle from his hands! I do not want to divorce, I observe and get to know him more and more, but still can not understand how to behave? he is very oppressive. his family welcomes it. his mother all the time sets him against me.sick often and on pity beats, his father drinks constantly and for a long time. they have a norm to insult each other, she encourages and even pours it. maybe his behavior is based on the example of his parents. i put a lot of effort into re-educating him, rethinking and changing his even principles. he succumbed to it, succumbed to those adjustments and we became much more comfortable in life. i want a child from him, and we are in the process of conception. i want to live with him. i want to live with him. i want to have a baby with him and we are in the process of conceiving. but it seems that i do not have the strength to bear his temper. i have tried to do and say things like Sergei advised, i respond in the same way. it helped, but i am ashamed and hurt to talk to him on mats and to tease him as he does. i do not want another man, but how can i live with someone who is like that? i am a very squeamish person, i like order, i need to know everything, i try to know it. and sometimes he even teases me about it – he finished 8th grade and left school, while i went to school, graduated from university, got an excellent degree, work in my field. he feels like he competes with me, he struggles and tries to prove that he is smart, and i am dumb. I have never reproached him with it and he has tried everything possible in life, and was not in such distant places, and there was no education and attention from parents, of course, his life has dragged him around. he is trying to be cleaner, i help him, and i feel gratitude from him. but now it is hard as never before! It is difficult for me now as never before. he can hit me over the head with a bottle of beer. no matter how stupid it may seem from the outside, but I do not want to leave him and live without him, but I want to find a way out of this horror! and I understand, and friends, and he, and grandma-vorozhey say – your child will save you. but horror overcomes, what if he does not save?

Omg. Are you out there with that ripped out all over your head still alive? Marry a convict, a hereditary alcoholic and a kitchen boxer with no education or any upbringing and then be surprised. And you want to have a baby with a 40-year-old biomur. Excuse me, but you saw what kind of pig he was and happily lay down next to him in the dirt, and now you’re moaning.

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