How to get over the betrayal of her husband and learn to live again
How to survive the betrayal of her husband, if the trust is lost? Relationships are built on love, but at the heart of a marriage is trust. And when a man betrays, in fact, this act undermines the family foundation. Everything that once seemed so strong and unshakable, suddenly turns into rubble.
The woman can no longer trust her husband. Every careless look, every trip, every meeting with friends acquires subtext, which is seen as a stain of adultery. And even if the adultery was a single, the former confidence in a man no longer exists.
However, many women still find the strength to survive betrayal. For the sake of the family, for the sake of children … So whether to continue to live with a traitor?
Forgive not banish: the opinion of a psychologist about treason
Is it possible to forget about the betrayal of a loved one and forgive him? Psychologists have different answers to this question, it depends on the circumstances and the attitude of the spouse to the situation.
Experts in this ambiguous position believe that adultery can be forgiven in the following cases:
The adultery occurred accidentally or on a one-time basis. The spouse was away from home for a long time (for example, on a business trip), the situation was provoked by taking alcohol at an event.
The spouse’s remorse is obvious and seems to be true. He is trying to make amends.
You have children in common. A minor child is usually painfully affected by the divorce, and his or her psyche may be damaged. But also a danger for children are constant quarrels provoked by jealousy.
Infidelity occurred because of jealousy or a desire for revenge on the partner.
If a woman decides to forgive the fact of adultery, she needs to get rid of manifestations of her anger, resentment and frustration – they are destructive and lead to chronic diseases. Accepting the full range of negative emotions about the betrayal of the spouse and admitting herself confused and embittered are the first steps to family healing. After a while, actions are taken that get rid of the depression and restore peace of mind.
What to do if a woman finds it difficult to survive the betrayal of her beloved husband
The range of emotions of a deceived wife who has experienced her husband’s infidelity is enormous. The Holmes-Ray Stress Scale clearly shows that a man’s betrayal is on par with the death of a loved one.
After receiving an initial shock, a woman goes through five stages of acceptance of her circumstances:
The state of shock. A woman who has just learned of adultery is not yet aware that the reality is real. Even direct evidence of adultery she cannot take seriously.
The bargain stage. The woman’s only desire is to get the past relationship back. This kind of obsession often pushes cheating wives into many ill-considered actions.
Manifestation of aggression. Cheating on the man you love cannot be experienced without irritation and hostility. More often than not, wives remain in a state of intense aggression for a long time. At this stage, a woman can yell at her husband, accuse him of all his faults, scandalized. In this way the wife splashes out all the negativity that came to her when she found out about the infidelity.
Grief and despair. After a while, sadness about the love she lost is replaced by anger and aggression. This stage is associated with memories of a happy family life in which the separated woman did not yet exist. Everyday events may not interest the woman, she is too absorbed in grief. At these moments, stories about another person’s happiness especially hurt her.
The Reconciliation Stage. Ultimately, the woman has to come to terms with her husband’s infidelity and decide how to live her life: to try to keep the family relationship or break up. At this point, all thinking about the pros and cons becomes fundamental. After this begins constructive dialogues with the other half about whether or not you will be together in the future.
Psychologists identify several reasons that make it difficult for a woman to experience her husband’s betrayal. In addition to his sexual relationship with someone else, you can add to this list:
Squandering the family money on a mistress;
Talking about another woman with whom the husband is in love;
Romantic dating and flirting with the separated woman.
Thus, the spending of time, money, care, attention and love by one partner, when the other spouse is unaware of what is going on, can most often be called treason. Such betrayals are not easily forgiven and endured and, unfortunately, in most cases lead to the divorce of the couple.
The real curses of modern times are self-love, lack of respect for one’s soulmate, inability to mend relationships and subsequent cheating spouses. Unfortunately, there is no magic cure, which could insure a couple from “going to the left side”. This is the prerogative of the spouses – they can make the right steps to avoid the path of adultery and to keep a happy family relationship.
Psychologist’s tips to survive the betrayal of her husband
To begin with, the wife should not think that the solely responsible for what happened is a man. In every conflict everyone is guilty of it. If there is no mutual respect and understanding in the family, the discord will happen. It is necessary to assess and their place in this difficult situation.
Wives who have experienced stressful conditions after the news of her husband’s infidelity, you can advise the following:
Be sure to talk to your spouse frankly, do not put off for a long time this unpleasant dialogue. Do not recall the past claims and resentment, and pay attention to the analysis of current circumstances.
Spouses should, without quarreling and swearing, talk about the qualities of each other that cause them the most irritation. After this, they can speak up and provide a solution to this difficult situation.
Do not be too happy when the husband has promised to stop all contact with the divorcee and all attention should be shifted to the family. If the mistress disappears from the spouse’s life, it does not mean that he will not compare you. Often the comparison is not in favor of the spouse.
Very important is how you look at the meeting with your husband, if it takes place at a particular time in a designated place. Do not come to the conversation with your spouse with tear-stained eyes and swollen face. Take care of yourself, you have to be graceful, irresistible and confident.
Do not make a deal with yourself and your conscience, trying to silence the problem and return to the past relationship. But also positive results will not bring aggression and noisy scandals with breaking dishes. Do not try to cause pity on your partner. You should vent your negativity later, directing it in a less destructive direction.
Accept the fact that the mental wound after an affair with your beloved husband will take some time to heal. Take care of your spiritual, intellectual and physical development, thus banish melancholy and sadness. Psychologists advise to begin to change yourself internally and externally, rather than passively wait for a happy change in life. Break away and go on a trip with your best friend, if possible financially. New scenery and impressions will help accelerate the time of getting rid of stress.
If the couple decided to stay together after a constructive dialogue, psychologists advise to start actively getting closer to each other. Take a short vacation at work, take the children to grandparents, and you go on a trip. The second honeymoon will intoxicate you with its atmosphere and help start the relationship with a “clean slate.
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Nowadays, there is a perception that strong and independent women have to solve their problems themselves, without resorting to the help of others. But in fact there is nothing wrong with accepting support from friends and family – they can give their opinion about the situation and help you. If there are no friends and kindred spirits nearby, lay out your worries and frustrations on a piece of paper. After that, read aloud your own suffering, burn them and scatter the ashes in the wind.
Betrayal of your husband during pregnancy
Sometimes couples break up during the most difficult and responsible period of a woman – during her pregnancy. How to survive treason and betrayal of her husband, when you will soon be born a child together?
First, always remember that only you are responsible to your baby.
Your worries and stress can have a negative impact on its foetal development and often become a cause of congenital diseases. Reduce to a minimum your anxiety, although in a situation with her husband’s cheating you are not living the best time. Your main goal should be to take care of themselves and the child’s health, do not waste energy on scandals and tantrums with your spouse. You need to focus your energy on a quick recovery from the news of betrayal.
Secondly, provide your future child with everything you need.
It is your husband’s responsibility to help you financially after the baby is born.
When your husband has no problems with adequacy and responsibility, there should be no difficulty. If your spouse promises to help you each month with a certain amount of money, should you file for child support? No matter how honest your husband may be, his verbal promises won’t guarantee a payment, so think carefully about this issue.
Sometimes it happens that your spouse’s promises of financial support are just words, and he or she doesn’t want to help voluntarily. Therefore, at the outset, formally confirm that your husband agrees to transfer a certain amount of money to ensure the life of the child. If your spouse refuses to help you in principle, feel free to go to court. The father of the baby in any case is obligated to provide for him until he comes of age.
As mentioned above, focus on the positive aspects of their lives to quickly forget the betrayal of his spouse.
Expecting a baby is the most important and positive aspect of your life today. Prepare the nursery, attend classes for expectant mothers, make new friends there, and you will have no time to be sad and worried.
Lastly, force yourself to forgive your unfaithful husband, who went to betrayal at this important time for both of you. Do it, although it will be very difficult for you.
Try to forgive your spouse, not for him, but for yourself. Good mother, who properly bring up her child, most important in this unpleasant situation. And holding a grudge against your ex-husband, you may find it difficult to build new relationships with other men.
Betrayal of her husband in 50 years: how to survive and forgive
If a woman has already been cheated on in her first marriage, she will have a hard time becoming happy in further love unions. She will always be afraid of a repeat of the sad events that she had to endure. Another “eternal problem” may be the relationship of the new spouse with the children from the first marriage, which do not always work out well.
If your family has existed for many years and its disintegration is imminent, the question of how to survive betrayal and divorce from her husband, especially relevant. Over the years, a woman can only feel part of this family, the future loneliness of her fears. The consequences of such a breakup are inevitable, even if you decide to seek help from psychologists.
A man can cheat on his wife even at a mature age, although this is likely to lead to divorce. But even after a thirty-year relationship, it is possible to survive your husband’s betrayal. The feelings and emotions from the breakup in this case go through several stages:
Lack of confidence in what has happened.
Belief that the situation happened exactly to you and your many years of happy union is ending does not come immediately. At first, the woman hopes that her husband will soon realize his mistakes and return to the family. Women whose children have grown up and live their own lives, it is especially difficult during this difficult period. Their loneliness is felt more strongly.
Loss of interest in life
When understanding the reality of the situation, a woman can be caught up in a real depression. The people close to her should definitely help and support her in this situation. At this point it is necessary to occupy yourself with something, this will distract you from the thoughts of cheating on your spouse. You can start talking to new people, take up hobbies or sports – this will give you the strength to move on. If a woman is not closed in herself, and opened up to something new, then she goes to the next step.
Paying more attention to herself
Your own worries and problems in family life take a back seat. You spend all your energy on work, maintaining the household, raising children. The notion of a woman gives way to a wife and mother. There is a great way to survive a divorce from your husband – to remember that you are beautiful and attractive. There is more to life than family responsibilities – these are your own dreams, for which it is time to fulfill.
The desire to start life with a clean slate
At 30, it is much easier for a woman to endure her husband’s betrayal and subsequent divorce than at 50. Thirty-year-olds can hope for future happiness, but at 50 the comparison of herself to an old woman at a broken trough sits firmly in her mind. After a while, the pain will fade, and life will continue.
Situations happen when a woman who has been through pain and is making timid steps into a new life, encounters an ex-spouse who suddenly decides to admit her mistakes and return to her. Individual couples may begin to rebuild the relationship, but in a different way. Some women do decide to find a new love or happily live alone.
4 mistakes that will not help to survive the treason and betrayal of her husband
When a woman does not realize the reasons for her husband’s infidelity and shifts the blame for what happened only on him, her stress will go harder and longer. In a state of anger, everyone can do things that will only add to the problems in the future.
Therefore, for women who found out about the cheating spouse, the following is recommended:
Do not try to meet with the separated woman, face to face conversations are unlikely to lead to anything. Your self-esteem may be hurt if it turns out to be younger, more successful and beautiful. No need to provoke a scandal with her husband’s mistress and to press pity arguments like “the child will miss Daddy and will not survive his parents’ divorce. This doesn’t make sense.
Do not express unnecessary aggression towards your husband, it is not acceptable. Just accept the fact that the cheating has already happened, and do not go on the offensive. Clearly indicate their attitude towards the situation: either unequivocally decide to divorce, or take a pause with an opportunity to reflect again on what happened.
Do not try to reproach your husband, make him feel ashamed or try to return the relationship, telling the news of his adultery relatives, friends or colleagues.
Some women, who are very grumpy or grumpy, begin to behave completely differently after betraying their husbands. They try to show their friendliness instead of their usual aggression. Such wives hope to reattract their unfaithful man with the help of flattery and the bright appearance they got at the nearest beauty salon. Many psychologists believe that this model of behavior is completely ineffective. Unrealistic emotions and repressed anger can lead to various mental and physiological problems.
It is very important to remember that in a situation with an unfaithful husband, his wife is likely to want to punish (including physically) the unfaithful spouse as severely as possible. Intimidation and fear cannot be the basis of love. Even if your ex-husband wants to return to the family and continue his relationship with you and your children, his wife’s overwhelming authority is sure to scare him away again, and he will run off to another mistress.
Husband cheated: 7 things you should do immediately
What does it mean for your relationship if he cheated on you?
This is one of the most common questions. I get thousands of emails about it.
- My husband cheated on me, what should I do?
- He cheated on me, should I break up with him?
- Is there anything I can do to prevent him from cheating again?
- And so on…
Don’t worry : I’m here to help you.
But let me tell you something first.
His cheating may seem like the biggest problem in the world to you right now. I understand that it hurts a lot. Emotions run through your whole body, and you wish you could chop off certain parts of his body.
But I assume that if you have found this article of mine, you are either confused about what to do about it now, or at least want to consider the possibility that your relationship might be restored.
I’m not asking you to forgive him right away (or ever), but I want you and I to consider your options for what you should do next.
Here are 7 things you need to know if he cheated on you:
No. 1: Realize that cheating probably has nothing to do with you personally
Even if you have a perfect relationship, a man can still cheat. Whether it happens in a moment of weakness or alcohol intoxication, or because he’s not getting something from you. Or whether he realizes that society doesn’t condemn cheating too much or all his friends have a mistress. We’ll talk about his possible reasons for cheating below.
But let’s start with the fact that you firmly tell yourself – it’s not my fault . At this point, stop blaming yourself, we need your sober head and clarity of thought.
I have already written an article about why men cheat. So I won’t repeat myself by listing all the reasons here. But you can read them here.
And we’ll start with what you need to deal with at this point.
No. 2: Don’t make worrying your main hobby
You might think the cheating happened because of you, saying things like this to yourself:
- I haven’t been paying attention to him lately.
- I’ve gained a few extra pounds.
- I’m not giving him what he wants in bed.
An insecure woman will look within herself for the reasons why he cheated on her. And if she tries to find them, she’ll find them and blame herself. As long as you don’t have to do that.
The reality is that men tend to cheat even when your relationship is perfectly fine.
You can read more about this below.
In the meantime, I’d like to ask you to stop for a moment if you find yourself having similar thoughts.
- Take a few deep breaths.
- Slow down your thoughts.
- Allow the emotions in your body to subside.
- Calm down.
This is very important, because you can only deal with this problem if you think clearly. You must deny negative emotions and try to keep a clear mind.
Otherwise, you will only make life harder for yourself during this difficult time in your relationship. Try to control your emotions and don’t let them control you too much.
This makes the next steps much easier.
No. 3: Don’t take advice from people who haven’t had similar experiences
I have good news and bad news for you.
- The good news is that all your family and friends will definitely take your side and be there for you if your husband or boyfriend cheats on you. You’re a victim of circumstance, so you’ll drown in the attention of friends and family.
- The bad news is that they will not only support you, but also give you the only, but very important advice in their opinion. What is that advice?
They will advise you to break up with him without even thinking about it for two seconds.
They will judge it harshly, they will tell you that you shouldn’t take it. The reason they do that is because they want you to feel good about yourself. And they also want to show they care about you.
But they don’t know anywhere near what was really going on between you and your man to chop off the shoulder.
For example, my daughter began dating her current husband when she was 17, he was and still is her first and only man. She had no experience of cheating and took this article very strongly – cheating is not to be forgiven.
But she can’t even begin to imagine the lump of pain, resentment and misunderstanding when the emotional and physical connection is severed and all your dreams and hopes are crushed.
Should you listen to such counselors in your situation?
Let’s move on. If you believe the statistics, 59% of men and 41% of women cheat. That’s from those who didn’t lie in the survey.
Maybe those who are giving you advice have cheated or have cheated on you.
And do you think, in a situation like this, these counselors would actually follow their own advice? Also doubtful.
I just told you that men can have a perfect relationship with a woman and still cheat. And scientific evidence supports the fact that most men often return to their partners after a fling on the side.
But what happened to you is, again, not a case where the ground beneath his feet should start flaming, open up and he should fall into hell, as your friends and family suggest.
So instead of listening to the advice of your friends and family, I suggest you do the following:
No. 4: Seek advice from experienced people
If you want help with this situation, it’s important that you talk to people who have had positive experiences with the problem.
It doesn’t matter if that person is your neighbor in the house, your co-worker at work, or a family member. The important thing is that he or she has been through this particular experience and has somehow resolved this problem in his or her life.
Don’t listen to people who yell at you that you should drop it immediately. The loudest voices, they’re usually not always the smartest!
So, find at least:
- One person who didn’t continue the relationship after cheating (and can talk about it without emotion).
- One person who overcame the fact of their partner’s cheating and managed to fix the relationship.
These are the. people who can really help you.
They’ve been through what you want to accomplish, at least if you want to repair the relationship.
These experienced people can also support you much better because they know from experience what you’re going through. They understand your feelings and the pressures you get from the outside world.
They can also keep you from making the most common mistakes before you finish what you’ve started.
From here on out, I’m going to advise you to keep your relationship alive. I’m going to assume that your boyfriend or husband is a good-hearted man who made a really stupid mistake. I’m going to assume that he can change.
But there are some exceptions if your man:
- A serial cheater.
- A gambler (a gambling addict).
- You are in a toxic relationship.
Click on the links above to find out if you are in one of these exceptional situations. If you don’t recognize any of these situations and believe your man can change, keep reading.
Unfortunately, articles on narcissists, players and toxic relationships are in the works right now, I will try to get them ready as soon as possible, but for now I can only apologize for the lack of material needed.
No. 5: Relationships can recover
This is terrible, but if statistics are to be believed, almost half of all people cheat on their “soulmates. Both men and women do. It was very hard for me, with my romantic worldview, to accept this ugly fact, but eventually I put up with it, saying to myself, “That’s the way the world works.
The reality is that in most cases, couples break up immediately after cheating.
The truth is that only a small number of men and women are willing to fight for a relationship after cheating. If you both want to save your relationship, it is quite possible that you can succeed.
Because it is quite possible to have a successful relationship after cheating, even if the whole world is against you. Given that you stick to what I’ve already mentioned and what I’ll say a little later.
For now, don’t give in to your emotions and the temptation to break up. You can still find a way through it.
But if you let your emotions guide you, the task becomes very difficult. And there will always be people around you who will constantly stir your feelings and set you up for a negative wave.
No. 6: You’re going to have to make an effort to forgive him.
If you listen to your friends and family all the time, they will, of course, put more blame on him for cheating. And that’s right in a way. After all, he is the one who cheated and he hurt you.
But if you never forget to mention his transgression and constantly force him to rebuild your trust while putting a lot of pressure on him, you won’t be able to fix your relationship.
The reasons why this behavior of yours will work against you are simple:
- He probably already regrets it . He did something horrible. And you have every right to tell him so. But if you keep bringing it up on a daily basis, it won’t help your relationship recover. It won’t make him regret it any more. He already regrets what he did.
- He knows that his cheating has nothing to do with you . But if you keep telling him that on a regular basis, he will be very uncomfortable. And he will go away to a place where he feels good.
- If your rebukes make him try on the role of a constant cheater, then he will cheat on you again. That’s because he’ll take on the role you gave him.
People tend to behave according to your expectations of them. If you act like he’s cheating on you, there’s a better chance he will actually do it.
You may have to control your emotions for six months or more. And you both have to work hard to keep the relationship going.
But that’s often better than breaking up. We all make mistakes and sometimes fatally. The wisdom is to distinguish a mistake from a character property and give it a chance.
In many relationships something always goes wrong. I don’t know of a single perfect relationship.
Suppose you took a time machine ride 30 years into the future to see what would happen if you forgave him. And you saw that you grew old together and he turned out to be the man of your dreams. Now really look at how you’re handling this situation. Should you have forgiven him for the mistake he made?
I deliberately underlined the word “mistake”. Don’t tell him, “I forgive you,” if he doesn’t want your forgiveness.
But if he is willing to stay with you and promises not to cheat on you again, he has to take steps to earn your trust again.
No. 7: Let him “put all his cards on the table.
If you keep treating him like a suspect, he’s probably going to screw up again. I’ve mentioned that before.
That’s why you and I take the exact opposite approach.
You give him a chance to show that he won’t cheat on you again. If he is, he has nothing to hide from you, except, of course, the surprises he wants to make for you.
He can show his intentions this way:
- Giving you access to his phone and social media correspondence
- Telling you the truth about where he’s going and with whom
Full openness on both sides can help you rebuild trust in your relationship.
That doesn’t mean you have to start and end the day with a Gestapo-like interrogation. It means that you agree to full transparency about your actions as a couple. An agreement where you can ask what you want to know and he will answer honestly. But the same goes for you.
That way you’ll see for yourself over time that it’s okay. And that he’ll never do it again.
I know it’s incredibly hard for you. And that those around you will pity and even judge you once you decide to forgive him.
But if that’s how you save your relationship or marriage after cheating. That’s a strong . It’s a brave decision to keep working on your relationship despite the cheating.
No. 8: What you can do now.
If you’re thinking about forgiving him, I recommend you read the tips on how to forgive a cheater.
Forgiveness is never an easy decision. But whatever you decide to do, trust your heart, not what your friends and family think.
Well, as sad as it is that I’ll tell you one last thing – most men who cheat do it on a regular basis . It would be foolish not to try to give your man a second chance if he did it the first time and you are strongly emotionally, financially and physically attached to him. But if the cheating happens again, it’s a sign that it’s either time to break up or continue to tolerate his cheating.
And I know quite a few couples where the man goes out and the woman keeps up with him. I am against such relationships, but I cannot impose the principles of their life or existence on anyone.