The psychology of lies in the family: is it necessary to be completely honest?
The psychology of lying is very complicated. After all, the habit of misleading others is peculiar not only to the worst scoundrels and hypocrites. It has each of us. And it manifests itself in one way or another throughout our lives. First at school, when we tell the teacher that we have learned everything, but in fact we have not opened the textbook. Then at the institute and at work. And even during courtship, when each of us tries to appear better than we really are. And then it all carries over into the family, where husband and wife need to learn to trust each other and rely on their other half for help in difficult situations.
Some people believe that you have to be completely honest in a relationship. Others argue that there are always situations where it is permissible not to tell the whole truth, even in a marriage. So what is the right: always tell the truth to your partner, or hold back something in the name of her peace of mind and emotional balance? Let’s look into this together.
The psychology of lying in family relationships: to tell the truth or not?
Lying to save lives, or as it is also called an innocent lie, sometimes it seems to us quite harmless. But what’s wrong with telling a husband who genuinely loves his wife that she looks fine with her hair completely disheveled after a nap, even if that’s not actually the case? You must agree that it is very difficult to call something like that reprehensible and reprehensible. But now we’re not talking about this.
If you want to protect your loved one from unpleasant truths, lying is not the way out, when it makes you feel a noticeable excitement and can cause serious resentment in the case of disclosure of the truth. Never lie to your spouse or loved one if your secret concerns:
- The health of family members,
- Career issues,
- family health, career issues, financial decisions
- Your family’s health, career, financial decisions, or personal relationships with others (at work, with friends, etc.)
Openness and honesty are very important in these situations. Even if what you are about to say will affect someone close to you or be harmful, don’t hide it. The desire to be tactful and sensitive does not justify lying if it harms family relationships.
Having lied once about something insignificant, a person later begins to hide more substantial secrets. Over time their number becomes so large that it is impossible to start over and tell everything as it was without a major scandal and family showdown. Sometimes even professional psychologists advise to hide some information from their spouses, but believe me – they are wrong. Only honesty and openness allow people to build strong and lasting relationships.
It is very easy to lie, but to restore the shaken confidence – almost impossible. If one day your spouse finds that you were dishonest with him or her, to return to the past and make him or her trust you again in everything will be very, very difficult. Do not bring your relationship to such a crisis, try to be completely honest in all important matters and then you will have nothing to fear.
In addition, we would like to note that career, health and financial expenditures are not all that should not be silenced. If you want to strengthen your relationship and love, share your feelings with your partner, tell him about your emotions and dreams, without hiding anything from him. This will allow you to better understand each other, and save you from foolish hopes and false expectations. Many women, without telling openly about their expectations, waiting for men to act, but, and did not wait, take offense and silently grieve. And yet their soul mate about this does not even guess! And this can also be called a peculiar form of lying, which spoils the relationship and does not allow them to move to the next, more serious level.
Moreover, by being dishonest with your spouse, you set a bad example for your children, who notice and remember everything. And becoming adults begin to copy and repeat in their own lives. By setting such a bad example, you teach them to be deceitful and untrustworthy. Because of what to instill in them good manners and proper behavior becomes very difficult.
So, answering the question of whether you should always tell the truth to your spouse, we still say “yes. Tell him about your feelings, problems and emotions. Share personal experiences, unknown to him the facts from your biography, talk more about your habits and preferences. This will allow him to get a better idea of you and allow him to treat you the way you want. But such sincerity should be mutual.
Strong relationships can not be built on a lie. It does not bring good, even if initially it seems that it was pronounced for the good. Love your loved ones and, wishing them well, reveal to them any unpleasant facts that you happen to know. And, if they are as awful as they seem, help your loved one to cope with them and survive the difficulties, but never lie for good. It is not without reason in the people say that a lie always becomes obvious. Sooner or later it will happen to you. And then no arguments will not convince your spouse that you were acting in his interest.
Lying in the family – explains all the nuances
What is the most common lie in family relationships and why?
There is an expression “Lie for good. Most often this expression is relevant to family life. Why? It’s simple – when we lie to someone we see for the first time in our lives, and probably never see again, we are not afraid of what the person may think of us. Of course, we try to choose the right words, but we don’t fall into despair when a word is said carelessly.
As for those close to us, we are forced to pick up the words and occasionally slip into a “lie for good” for several reasons at once. First, that person is dear to us, and we don’t want to offend them. After all, if the relationship with a loved one goes bad, it can lead to a series of failures in all spheres of life. Family is the foundation of the house called life, so any quarrel will lead to a failure of this foundation with all the known consequences. The second reason for cheating loved one is even more banal than the first – we cheat because we still have to live with him. You will not break up and forget about each other after the conversation. You live under the same roof, and each of you is interested in making sure that this life is prosperous.
Before we look at the subjects of lying in family relationships, we need to understand why, on principle, we deceive a loved one. Why do we do it? Is the lie really for the good?
So, we harm our loved ones because:
1. we want to achieve psychological comfort. To this end, we sometimes hold back the truth from a loved one, guided by the principle “knows less – sleep better. What is an example?
Let’s say the wife has a stomach ache and the husband has problems at work. In order not to burden the spouse with additional problems, the wife always answers the question “Are you sick?” “No, no. Everything is fine.” The spouse just shrugs his shoulders and thinks, “Okay, okay – so it’s okay,” and walks away. As he does so, the wife’s pains only increase. But she knows that she can handle her problem on her own.
Another example is the husband has problems at work. Perhaps the company said that in the next few months it is planned to reduce the staff by 50%. The husband would like to share his worries with his wife and tell her everything, but he knows that she will be worried and nervous all the time. He doesn’t need this, which is why he says that his work is fine. By doing so, he shields his wife from the problem, and he does it primarily to keep her calm.
2. To avoid punishment. When we have committed a transgression and do not want to answer for it, we can cheat for our own good. This is very often done by children, but adults don’t fall behind either.
Example: A child was running around the house and broke a vase. His mother comes up to him and asks: “That’s what you did? Why did you break the vase?”, immediately receiving the answer, “I did not. It fell by itself.” The child’s deception is dictated by a sense of self-preservation. He does not want to be punished, therefore he goes for the deception.
Another possibility is that the man met an old friend. As is appropriate in such situations, the men drank to the meeting. Upon returning home, the wife asked the man, “You smell like alcohol. Have you been drinking?” to which the man replies: “Well, of course not. You imagined it.” Perhaps if he had told his wife the truth, she could have just scolded him and that would have been the end of it. Nevertheless, it could have ended in a scandal. For that reason the man decided not to tell the truth.
3. so as not to offend the person we love. We are often afraid to answer questions that are important to our loved ones with the truth. Why? Because the truth can be a serious blow to the person we care about. We completely forget that when all the secrets come out, and the person realizes that he or she has been told a lie, he or she may be very offended. He may understand in his mind that we wished him happiness and lied for his own good. But only his heart doesn’t make that decision. And that’s absolutely right-he expected sincerity. Even though we would have embellished, we told the truth. So, before you deceive a loved one, think three times about what it might lead to.
Example of deception: A spouse asks her husband how she looks and whether she has gained weight. Typical situation, isn’t it? Well, how can a man tell a lady that it is not new jeans shrunk, but she has added a little in the waist? So the poor guy replies, “No, honey, you’re in great shape.”
“Really?” the wife thinks, and decides to ask her best friend about it. Well, the best friend – she is the best, in order to always tell the truth. And then gets a blabbering spouse for his lies. And he wanted the best.
But there is a good ending to this situation when a wife asks her spouse about her appearance just to hear a compliment in return. They have lived together for a very long time and know each other too well. Therefore, the wife knows with 100% probability what her spouse will answer. Moreover, she expects exactly that answer. Like any normal woman, she wants to receive compliments, she wants to be admired. This is a perfectly normal desire. In this situation, no scandal is out of the question. Of course, if the spouse is not crazy and does not start cutting the truth into the uterus: “You know, dear, but you really do not mind to lose a few pounds. So about 10-20…”.
4. To avoid responsibility. This is the fate of irresponsible people who cannot be called the masters of their own lives. They tend to shift the blame for what happened to other people. Why? Because they understand that if they tell the truth, they will have to expend their own energy and solve the problem.
A simple example: Through the fault of the head of production a whole batch of defective products was released. He is summoned by upper management and asked: “Who is to blame and how do you propose to punish?” Naturally, the boss will not tell the truth, but with pleasure will find the culprits among his subordinates. As a result, from the subordinate – a reprimand and deprivation of premium (or even half of the salary), and the chief – praise for the fact that quickly found the culprits and took the necessary measures.
5. To please other people. If we want another person to like us, we may tell untruths. It is virtually impossible to verify the truthfulness of the information we tell, but in the eyes of the interlocutor, we seem almost like heroes.
Example: A guy knows that the girl he is interested in likes children. He himself is indifferent to them, but in order to show his best side, he begins to “pour a songbird” about how he would like to have 3 or better yet 4 children in the future, a strong family and stuff like that. Effective means in order to cause sympathy in the opposite sex. But you have to be careful – when the truth comes to the surface, the guy will not feel much. In the best case, his girlfriend will not communicate with him or answer the phone, and this is worse than any other fate.
6. To get your way. This lie is most often committed by people who share the principle of “winning at any cost.” Should we condemn them? Hardly. You must agree that many of us do the same thing.
Example: You are being interviewed and are really applying for your dream job. The interviewer asks you what you would do in one of your stressful situations. You know exactly what stressful situations cause you anxiety, but you answer exactly what the interviewer wants you to say. How in reality you will react to a given situation is impossible to know. As a result, you get the position. Moreover, you can even get a foothold in it and become one of the best employees. However, for this you will need to engage in self-improvement. You have to reach a level where stressful situations will not cause you to panic. And then everything will be fine. But if you neglect to work on yourself, rest assured – your cheating at the interview will cost you dearly.
7. To avoid humiliation. You are afraid of being humiliated and misunderstood by others, so you descend into humiliating lies. Think about the fact that lying is humiliation.
We’ve looked at the most common 7 reasons why people lie to each other in family relationships.
Now we’re going to get specific and look at what people lie about most often. I’m sure you will probably find several situations from your own life.
1. Money. The most common subject of deception and argument.
Both men and women lie about money. In doing so, each pursues his own goals. No matter how much people talk about money and how evil it is, a person’s life would not be complete without it.
An example of a man’s deception: The husband received his salary. He is well aware that he needs a certain amount of money for the “stash”, and therefore, when asked by his wife about the amount of his salary, he may name the amount of his salary and keep the bonus for himself. If he gives all the money to his wife, it is unlikely where she will spend it. But in this situation everything is built on trust. To prevent such deception, the husband and wife must completely trust each other.
An example of a woman cheating: The spouse gave his wife money to buy groceries or personal care products. He bought everything on the list, then happily discovered the remainder of the money in her purse. Would she give her spouse the change? Not likely. Most likely, she will say that she spent it all, and even had to add their own. And the reasonable question of her husband: “How did you do it?” she will say, “Have you been shopping? Did you see what the prices there? After this, the conflict can be considered over.
2. Sex. Another subject for deception in family relationships is sex. Sex is such a delicate subject that it needs to be approached with great care. Sometimes it happens that people strongly love each other, but from sex to get indescribable pleasure they can not. The easiest way to start accusing your partner that he did not give 100%, or passive in bed. However, these conversations may well lead to a long fight and destabilize the relationship, in which neither party is not interested.
If as a result of intimacy a woman (and, as a rule, it is a woman) does not reach orgasm, she does not always dare honestly admit it. So we have to imitate it. But the husband satisfied – he sees a woman all wriggling with pleasure, and feels like at least Casanova.
If we talk about a man, he may not be satisfied with sexual relations in terms of their monotony. Perhaps he seeks to practice other positions from the Kamasutra, to which his partner only resents. Most often, a disgruntled man will swallow his resentment and say that it’s okay. But how long it will last, it’s hard to say. It all depends on the man himself and the importance of the sexual relationship to him.
So it’s cheating? Yes. But, first of all, this deception is for good, and secondly, they promised each other to be together “for better or for worse. So, it’s time to make good on that promise.
And seriously, deception can prevent the beginning of conflict and the deterioration of the relationship. But, as practice shows, sex is a fairly important part of the family relationship, because constantly cheating here will not work. If you are not happy with something in your partner – do not keep quiet. Sit down with him at the negotiating table and discuss the situation. Surely your partner will also have to you some complaints about sex. And that’s great! Agree that you make concessions to him, and he makes a reciprocal move. And even better, if you just do it without expecting anything in return, listen to your partner’s needs.
Just don’t you dare tell an untruth.
3. Appearance. Both women and men often ask their partners how good-looking they are. If at the beginning of the relationship each partner admired the other and did not notice the external flaws, now, after years of marriage, these flaws are more noticeable. Perhaps the spouse’s chosen one does not like his beer belly and already starting to show baldness. As for the husband, he too does not like the fact that the once slender wife, from which other members of the stronger sex could not take their eyes off, now put on weight and not looking as impressive. But that’s just neither the wife, nor her husband’s language often will not take the trouble to reproach the partner.
This is quite normal, because the appearance of man over the years loses its charm, but his soul and character remain unchanged. You are living with a man, not a top model. In addition, no one prevents you honestly admit some external deficiencies of the partner. Just do it somehow unobtrusively and pick up expressions, so as not to be ashamed of his words.
4. Location. If one partner is overly suspicious and intrusive, the other has to lie about his or her location.
Here’s an example: You and your friends decide to go to a bar after work, sit down and have a glass or two of beer. As suddenly your wife calls and asks when you come home and where you are now. Not to upset her (you never know how she will react), you say that you were delayed at work, and the boss instructed the urgent task that must be completed by tomorrow morning. After the conversation, you, in a normal setting, continue to drink beer with friends.
But there are other situations that fall into the category of “lying for good”. For example, you decided to buy your spouse a gift that she has long dreamed of. You waited for the right moment and went to buy it. Suddenly, on the road you call your spouse and asks the standard question: “Where are you? You are faced with a choice – either tell the truth and ruin the surprise, or make up some story on the fly. It makes sense that you would choose the second option. So you say, “My friend has a problem that he asked me to solve. I’ll be home in an hour.”
5. Behavior. You are terribly annoyed that your spouse cannot calmly listen to criticism, and constantly tries to answer reproach with reproach. Perhaps when leaving the house, he will never let you go first? Well, the woman’s behavior does not always suit men. For example, she may be talking and suddenly begins to sob. It also happens that you are talking, and then suddenly his wife begins her conversation, when you do not even have time to finish the sentence.
Reasons to be dissatisfied with the behavior of the partner can be a million – from brazen rudeness and rudeness and ending with the banal twisting tube of toothpaste after squeezing it. One way or another, spouses prefer to talk about the problem, because it is relevant.
So no one is cheating? Yes, they do, and how! Instead of saying, “Why do you always contradict me?” They say, “Honey, I like the way you defend your point of view. Except that sooner or later this lie will stop, when under the strong influence of emotions man will show his partner all his dissatisfaction right to his face. And believe me, for a partner it can be a real bucket of water, which poured on his head the closest person. So maybe it’s better not to cheat at all? Think about it.
6. Health. Even when we feel unwell, we try not to burden our loved one with our problems, and try to cope with them ourselves. This shows that we care about our partner, but the fact remains that we are deceiving him.
The other side of the coin is a story about non-existent health problems, the purpose of which is to attract the attention of the loved one to his person, getting him to care.
Lying in family relationships was, is and will be – there’s no getting away from it. If you are deceiving your partner for his own good, that’s one thing, but when you are trying to deceive and manipulate a person with a lie, that’s something else entirely. Before you do that, think carefully about the consequences.