Leaving your husband

How to leave your husband

The question of ending a relationship becomes extremely relevant when it ceases to bring joy or minimal benefit. Women look for ways to leave a tyrant husband, as well as how to leave the one they no longer love in order to save their souls. The reasons vary and their weight, seriousness and urgency are individual to each couple, but there are some basic general principles for ending any relationship.

Those contemplating leaving their husband should consider the most serious reasons. There are times when people ruin a relationship while still alive because of a trifle, and there are also times when the opposite happens – they don’t notice serious warning signs. Trying to maintain a relationship that destroys your personality because you made up a fairy tale about eternal love may be the biggest recklessness in life. The main criterion for leaving or trying to resume a good relationship is solely your own well-being around this person, not the presence of children, the opinion of others or any social norms.

Reasons for breaking up

Problematic parting is different and everyone is free to choose their own worthy reasons for ending the relationship, but there are situations when it is strongly recommended by specialists of various directions, because nothing good usually comes out without extreme measures.

In the first place on the seriousness of the reasons for leaving is not betrayal or character and appearance defects, but the loss of trust between people. It is when this basic category is lost that all other levels of interaction break down. That is, infidelity and betrayal are only the consequence, and possible addictions may be an attempt to escape from more serious problems that have arisen. When promises are regularly broken and your husband cannot give you a sense of reliability and security, this is the most important criterion for leaving him. Of course, before you take a radical step, it’s worth talking to your spouse, explain your position and only if nothing changes should you leave.

The next reason is different life goals. Usually in the early stages of building a relationship people do not figure out what their partner wants from them, where he wants to go, because it seems to everyone that their vision of life coincides a priori. After a couple of years it usually turns out that for one it is important to travel around the exotic countries with islands, and the other one wants to build a house with his own hands and according to his own project, someone wants six children, and his partner dreams about a career. Breaking up for this reason is usually the most painless if both partners have realized what they want from family life and do not want to impose their ideals on each other.

Any kind of violence is possible at most once in the entire relationship, regardless of whether it was physical violence or emotional violence. Talking, repeating your demands and complaints repeatedly is not worth it, you can only warn your husband once that you should not use force, after which any repetition leads to a divorce. Those who have allowed themselves to cross the line will do it again. Read articles about gaslighting, emotional abuse and manipulation – it is important to learn to recognize this type of psychological abuse as well. Legal protection is only guaranteed for physical injuries, articles on emotional abuse are not in the law, but it can lead to clinical depression, personality disorder and suicide, so it is up to you to take care of yourself.

There is a common misunderstanding in society about how to leave your alcoholic husband, because there is a perception that family support is the leading factor in recovery, and the family is also where the root causes of any addiction lie. This is indeed true with one important correction – the relevance of support is possible only at the beginning of the problem, provided that the husband himself wants to get rid of the addiction. If it drags on for several years and the man himself is satisfied, and the woman continues to endure, suffer and try to get him out, then we can’t talk about a healthy relationship – it’s co-dependence. Such stories end miserably, although variations can vary from beatings to joint addiction to substances.

estrangement or rupture of the physical or emotional connection between partners. Regarding the physical side, there may be questions about how to leave a cheating husband or one who is not satisfied in bed. These problems arise at the level of trust where the couple is not able to openly discuss the problems that have arisen, but is an important criterion of the relationship. Where the family often quarrels, but at the same time in the intimacy everything is fine, we can talk about this style of interaction, but where everything is quiet and decent, but there has been no intimacy for a long time, most likely, a divorce will soon break out. Emotionally, estrangement and separation looks about the same – spouses share their experiences and important events with friends, relatives, Internet acquaintances, but not with the one they chose to live together.

An absolutely subjective reason, but no less important among the rest, and for women living in the sensual sphere, perhaps the most important one is the disappearance of love. And it doesn’t matter where and why this feeling is lost, because further life together becomes impossible.

Advice from a psychologist, how to leave her husband.

If leaving for good reasons causes difficulties, and a woman is looking for ways to leave her husband, then first it is necessary to deal with their own condition, not giving to do everything directly and openly. This may be a fear of her husband (especially in cases with tyrants and manifestations of any kind of violence), lack of a place to go and any other types of material insecurity, as well as feelings of pity and anxiety about the children or the future life of the husband. Of course, such reasons can go on, but it is necessary to work with them, because no amount of precise planning on pure logic will help to overcome internal barriers. When there is no way to cope with everything yourself, you can turn to someone you trust.

You may be saving your own life or ending a relationship of personal development and the state of mind of both. Start diving into another, new life from the first moment you make the decision to separate, don’t put it off until the divorce date, otherwise the amount of doubt will only increase.

Enlist the support of friends and immediate family (if you want to keep them in touch), because usually a woman is judged for dissolving family ties, and if she does it suddenly, curses may fall instead of help. Just before you talk to your husband, share the situation with his sister or mutual friends, tell them your intentions to leave – perhaps they will suggest another solution or help you with a move.

The biggest fear in a breakup is the possibility of a scandal. Protect your nervous system from such worries can be if you talk openly about the situation and your decision with her husband. It is important not to play the role of the offended, the victim, the aggressor or a saint – tell it like it is, how you feel. Options when a woman will be held by force are quite rare, and usually it is known in advance that the man will behave that way, so any negative manifestations you can provoke only by yourself, choosing not an honest strategy of behavior.

When you explain your position, take care not only about how you feel. Choose a time when the spouse does not have extremely important things to do immediately after the conversation, do not start such a conversation in his state of fatigue or stress. Choose wording – the option to blame yourself for everything and praise him futile, but the correctness of the phrases is worth observing. It’s important not only to honestly state the reason, to answer any questions he has, but also to thank him for the good times.

The next step is for you to move into separate housing. This can be an apartment of friends or a rented room, for those who have neither material resources nor friends there are social support shelters just for such situations. It is not possible to divorce and live in the same territory – after the conversation you need to pack your things and move. If this is your place, ask your husband to move out, give him some time to look for a place to live.

As soon as you get the idea of a divorce, start collecting money, since living separately is always more costly than jointly. Aside from this obvious fact, the divorce process itself may require financing, and new housing and living arrangements are financially expensive. To minimize your own risks in the division of property, reduce the length of court proceedings and provide peace of mind – consult with a lawyer in advance on all issues that arise. This will give you the opportunity to immediately conduct the process in the desired direction.

The application for dissolution of marriage should be filed as soon as possible, without giving any reason to think that your behavior is a quarrel or an attempt to manipulate. Again, your husband will not always agree with your decision, which means that the divorce process will drag on, so why else would you increase the deadline. And don’t forget to plan your future life, because a huge amount of free time and energy can drag you down into depression.

How to start a new life if you have children

The critical question of how to leave your husband and start a new life arises when a couple with children gets divorced, because there is no chance to completely forget the man – his existence will constantly remind you of his children, as well as his visits to them. There is only one way out of the situation – to change the format of the relationship. It is impossible, even contraindicated, to keep the same kind of relationship for the sake of children – they are much more sensitive than many adults and will not believe in the parental game, but they can understand that they are being cheated.

The first step is careful planning of care, since responsibility for the life of a young person implies a higher level of organization, not only of the care itself, but also of the details of each weekday. Requirements for housing, financial support, divorce proceedings and regulation of interaction with the spouse increase. Here you can not do without the help of a lawyer and understanding how you will now provide for yourself and the child. A separate important issue is to organize all the processes so that the new life and activities do not interfere with communication with the baby and in general the whole life.

Discuss with your husband alimony and the frequency of meetings with the children, as well as the regulation of any interaction. Now everything should be built on clear rules, otherwise he his sudden appearances or disappearances will not let you start your own life, and leaving you dependent on themselves, but without support.

Not everyone is able to cope with such overloads on their own, and even the strongest ones need a person who can support them at least in the initial adaptation stage. This may be a woman (girlfriends, moms, acquaintances from playgrounds) who can babysit the child or a friend-entrepreneur, who has long been calling to his company on favorable terms. You should look for something that will take less time and bring in more income, perhaps even pursue your own hobby.

In your own time be sure to leave not only items such as work and self-improvement for the sake of promotion, but also communication with your child, fun vacations, meetings in person with your adult friends and dating. Let you have a schedule and your child knows that mom will definitely make time for her, but at the same time, arrange the schedule so that there is time for coffee with a girlfriend and an interesting new colleague. This can be done during extra classes child or if he is older agree that you spend Saturday evenings separately, and on Sunday you discuss who did what.

Author : Practical psychologist Vedmesh N.A.

Speaker of the Medical-Psychological Center “PsychoMed

How to leave your husband: a practical guide from psychologists

If you’re looking for an answer to the question of how to leave her husband, then subconsciously you’re ready for it. All that remains is to weigh the pros and cons, decide and do it with minimal losses for the children, if there are any in the marriage, and for yourself. Psychologically it is difficult, but if this is the only way out of the situation, nothing is impossible. Just listen to the advice of psychologists and act rationally, not emotionally.

Is it worth it?

No matter how long this decision has been maturing in your head, first of all you need to calm down and look at the situation from the outside.

Example one. A couple has been married for five years. She earns more than he does, is financially independent and self-sufficient. She has a separate apartment. Because both were building careers, no children. At some point the wife realized that she was not interested in living with her husband, she wanted to move forward, but he was not developing in any way and was pulling her back. Not a trace of the former love is left.

Example two. This couple has been married for ten years. She has not worked a single day since she was on sick leave to take care of her three children. So the main breadwinner in the family is her husband. The apartment was bought with a mortgage. Her parents live in another city several hundred kilometers away. She still loves him, but knows that he is cheating on her. At some point he stops hiding it and meets his mistress practically openly.

Both of the women in the examples cited decide to leave. But, agree, the situations are radically different. The first woman has no difficulty in doing so, since she has no children, no love, and no financial dependence. The second has all of these circumstances in place, so by filing for divorce she will have to consistently eliminate the problems.

These examples, though somewhat exaggerated, will allow you to assess your own situation. Which of these pictures is it closer to? If to the first, there’s no need to doubt: if you don’t love her, just leave, and that’s it. But if circumstances are not in your favor, you first have to weigh the pros and cons.

Psychologists advise women not to hesitate and unequivocally leave in the following situations:

• her husband mistreats the children and you, regularly abuses and dissolves his hands;
• he is mentally deranged person who refuses treatment: If you need to get rid of a tyrant husband, manipulator or schizophrenic (hidden), who does not perceive you as a person, decide to do it without hesitation;
• He has an addiction, with which you have tried in vain to fight: husband alcoholic, as well as husband, drug addict, experts advise to run away without a backward glance, as strong and happy family with them can not build.

These borderline situations do not require any doubts and indicate that unhealthy relationships need to end and start a new life. And it doesn’t matter how many years you have lived together and how many children you have.

Concerning the other situations psychologists are not so categorical and say that in the majority of cases the family can be saved. Your husband has cheated on you and more than once? Instead of leaving, take care of yourself and prove to yourself and him that passion between you is still possible. He disappears all day at work, does not pay attention to you and the children? Learn to respect his desire to provide for you financially. Realize your maternal potential. Between you for a long time there is no love, which gave way to habit and routine? A woman is always able to breathe new life into the relationship. There are many ways to return the old feelings.

Before you make a final decision, answer the questions honestly:

• The situation is really borderline and there is nothing to fix?
• How badly do you want this?
• How will it affect the children?
• Do you have somewhere to go?
• Will you be able to provide for yourself and your children financially without his help?
• How will he react to this?
• What will be the reaction of your relatives, friends, colleagues?

Do not have any rainbow illusions that after leaving her husband, you expect a fabulous life. Answers to these questions will help you see your present future without him and make the right decision.

How to do it right

If you are sure that you want to leave your husband, you must do it competently. A lot will depend on your actions: whether he will let you go, whether your children and your environment will react to it correctly, how comfortable you will feel afterwards.

How to make a decision

If you want to leave, but can not find the strength, try to do the following

• See a psychologist;
• Get any support (from your mother, girlfriends);
• Start saving money;
• Write down what you are not satisfied with in your husband, in your marriage, and reread this list several times a day, constantly adding to it;
• remember more often the moments when your husband hurt you, your children, people close to you.

Convince yourself that this is the only way out of this situation – then it will be easier to decide.

How to prepare

You can not after 15 years of marriage to pack their bags and just go nowhere. Especially if there are children. For separation with her husband to prepare carefully and well in advance:

• Consult with a lawyer about property division and alimony after a divorce;
• talk to your children about it (just make sure that they do not give away your secret before time), your task is to soften the blow for them;
• decide where you will go (if you have to leave the apartment to your husband);
• set aside some money for the first time;
• Assume how your husband will react to your leaving, so you know how to proceed if something goes wrong (if he takes away your phone and locks you out of the apartment);
• Find someone to help you move and set up your new home.

The better prepared a woman is, the more peace of mind she will feel after the breakup.

What to tell him

It depends on the situation and the reason that prompted you to leave. If you are going to move out of the apartment where you lived together, it makes it easier. If you can not find the strength to talk to him, just pack your things and disappear, leaving a note or letter of explanation.

On the one hand, it’s not nice to do that. But, for example, there are no more ways to get away from the tyrant husband, because he will not want to hear anything, he will not even allow such a possibility. His actions can be unpredictable: he can beat you, lock you in a room, deprive you of any contact with the outside world, blackmail your children, etc. It’s the same with an alcoholic: he is unlikely to understand your explanations, but a scandal and a fight can happen.

If you are planning to stay in your shared apartment and evict him, focus on the adequacy of your husband. If he can understand your claims, just talk, but try to do it without a scandal. If you are not sure of his reaction, find a place where you can move temporarily while he realizes what happened. You can inform him of your decision through a letter or a phone call. If there are people he listens to, try to do it through them.

The main thing is to organize it all with a minimum of loss for all parties. Children should definitely not be present during the clarification of the relationship. In a conversation is not necessary to present all of the existing claims to the husband. It is enough to briefly and concisely name one or two important reasons why you decided to leave him. For example: “I’m tired of forgiving your cheating”, “I won’t let you raise your hand on the children anymore”, “I don’t love you anymore and I want to start my life with a clean slate”. Let him know that objections are not accepted and that you will not change your decision.

In the same conversation, it is better to immediately stipulate the issues of divorce, division of property, alimony (you will be legally trained by this time). And do not forget to dot all the “i”‘s regarding your further communication. Psychologists recommend to support him only for the sake of the children. In their absence with your ex-husband is desirable to break off all contacts.

Difficult situations

• How to leave your husband, if he does not let go?

If the reason for such behavior in love with you, with children, if he wants to return everything, think about it: maybe you should give him a chance? If he does not let go solely out of arrogance or selfishness (“I do not want, and that’s it, be mine alone”), then you have to leave quietly, when he is not at home. And it is desirable at first to change the phone and leave, so he does not know where you are.

Threaten angry husbands, whose wives are leaving, can do anything: take away their children, throw them out on the street, tell everyone about the terrible family and personal secrets, will not pay child support, sue all the joint property, and so on. If you have thought about everything and resolved these issues in advance legally, he will not be able to intimidate you. More frightening when it comes to physical violence. In this case, record the threats on a tape recorder and file a complaint to the police.

Prepare thoroughly. Wait until he is not at home or he is sleeping in a drunken stupor. Leave a note on the table. And move out of the apartment with his belongings. Usually leaving your drinking husband is not a problem. In court you will definitely be granted a divorce if you cite alcoholism as the main reason. You should not tolerate his abuse, the eternal lack of money, scandals. As well as domestic tyranny. If your husband forbids you to communicate with anyone but him, does not allow you to do what you love, morally oppresses children, no love is worth such humiliation – leave as soon as possible. And it is useless to explain anything in such cases.

Any psychologist will tell you: you cannot tolerate tyranny, alcoholism, cheating, abuse and scandals for the sake of a child. All this is unfolding in front of his eyes and can be a deep psychological trauma that can affect his future life. Believe me: women leave with two or three children, just to protect them from such a nightmare.

If there are no children, you can leave even in the middle of nowhere. In the cities there are hostels and small apartments, where rooms are inexpensive. It is not a problem to find a job. Live with a friend or relative for a while until you get on your feet.

But where to go from her husband with a child (and not just one), to decide is more difficult. The ideal option is to go to your parents. If you have money you can rent an apartment. In such situations, do not hesitate to ask for help from family and friends. And remember: the interests of children should come first. You should not deprive them of their own corner just because you wanted to feel free. Be prepared for the fact that in court you will be asked what kind of housing you have provided for them. Are you renting a studio apartment with two children? Don’t have a steady income? That should not be allowed. Look for other ways to solve the problem, otherwise your husband will deprive you of parental rights.

Life after

The most important thing is to get over two things: the conversation with your husband and the divorce process. This will take a lot of energy and time. But, if you know exactly what’s best for everyone, it will be a great incentive to get through it all. After it’s been experienced, it will get easier.

Tips from psychologists on how to start a new life:

• Change your cell phone number;
• If you can – go to live in another city, so as not to accidentally give in to persuasions and not to return again to this nightmare;
• Get your head into your work to kill two birds with one stone: you won’t have time to think about the breakup, and you will provide for yourself financially;
• Take care of yourself: find a hobby, go to beauty salons regularly, sign up for a fitness program;
• Enjoy your freedom, appreciate every moment of your new life without remembering the past;
• Get rid of everything that reminds you of him, although photographs, if you have children, have to be kept (just put them away);
• Communicate with your ex-husband only if necessary.

At this stage, psychologists warn women against one common mistake: do not immediately start looking for a new relationship. In psychology, they are called “replacements”. Why are they bad? First, unconsciously you will use a new partner in order to fill the spiritual void, but it is despicable. Secondly, it is easy to confuse the fear of loneliness with sympathy, and to tie yourself to a relationship that you do not need, and then get rid of them will be difficult.

How to start a new life with children after divorce? All of the previous tips, except moving to another city, plus:

• leave the child in the school (kindergarten) where he went before: he should know that there is something permanent in life, and in a state of stress he will be more comfortable to experience it among old friends and classmates;
• if he wants, do not impede his communication with his father;
• spend time with your children more often: have dinner together in the evening, discuss the day gone by, go to the movies, go on trips, go for walks – establish an emotional connection with them and don’t let them close themselves off;
• If you feel that your child is having a hard time with your breakup, make an appointment with a psychologist.

Many women think that leaving your husband and starting a new life at 50 is unrealistic. However, this is not the case. At this age, you already have wealth, children have grown up, so there will be no problems. You can travel the world, do the dacha, to devote themselves to their grandchildren. Much worse to suffer from hypertension and heart problems every time her husband is drunk, or finds himself another young passion.

A woman can decide to leave her husband only in a borderline, most extreme situation, when she is forced to do so by circumstances. And it is many times more difficult for her than for a man. Due to their psychology, they rarely suffer reproaches of conscience, are financially (most often) independent and have an easier attitude: they packed their things and left without explanation. Wives before such a responsible step to weigh all the pros and cons, have nothing to fear and learn to think first of all about the children and themselves. Then everything will work out.