Tips on how to leave your husband, even with children
I’ve been in journalism for over 7 years now. Half of them as an editor. My weakness is doing mini investigations on new topics.
Expert – Margarita Lopukhova
Family psychologist. For eight years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples regain love and understanding.
Good husband, a happy and healthy family – the dream of every woman. But unfortunately, the reality is very different from the pipe dreams. Instead of a caring and loving spouse, the woman receives a tyrant and despot. And sometimes the family nest turns into a suffocating cage, which so want to escape. In such cases, the unhappy wife begins to think about divorce and every day to think about how to leave her husband.
A Failed Marriage
Leo Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina begins, “All happy families are alike, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Reasons for divorce can abound. A perfect, hassle-free marriage is only possible in a fairy tale. In real life, spouses have to find a compromise, work on their relationships, their shortcomings, be able to forgive and smooth over the sharp edges to create a strong and happy family.
Often a guy and a girl, wanting to live together, are not willing to make such sacrifices. Being selfish, neither spouse goes to the meeting, does not value each other and the divorce happens out of stupidity and rashness. In some cases, it is really worth it to close your eyes to many things, learn to understand and forgive your husband and try to save the relationship. But there are situations when family life turns to hell.
Serious reasons for divorce
Sometimes neighbors and relatives do not see what is happening behind the walls of the houses and apartments of their loved ones and acquaintances. And only a woman’s eyes, with the expression of a hunted doe, aggressive or sullen children indicate that the family is uncomfortable and bad. For many reasons, a wife really should cut her family life short and consider leaving her husband. The following reasons require serious action:
- When the husband is in an alcohol or drug addiction, not amenable to treatment and other convictions. With such a spouse and father, not a woman or children will see no good.
- The aggressive behavior of the husband is one important reason why a woman should reconsider her attitude toward marriage. You can’t let the abuse go to your spouse or to your children. There is nothing worse than a battered mother and intimidated children. Violence and humiliation in the family should be strictly suppressed, and in the case of continuing situations, immediately dissolve the union.
- Sometimes the reason for divorce can be the husband’s complete indifference to what is going on. He is not interested in children, his wife. He lives his life. He has time for friends and entertainment. Both children and spouse feel superfluous and unnecessary in his life.
- Frequent cheating by the husband is quite a good reason for divorce. The wife becomes unhappy, exhausted, and hysterical. She pays little attention to the children, who observe the sad relationship of the parents.
- Gambling addiction is one of the reasons why a woman should consider breaking up the marriage. If the man does not want to part with his favorite hobby, the consequences for the family can be most catastrophic.
Deciding to break up a relationship on your own
Every woman should make the decision to divorce on her own. She can consult with friends, a psychologist, relatives, but at the same time to decide for herself what to do. Not in any case should not be given to pressure from family and friends, and leave her husband, based only on their assumptions. But self-deception is not worth it. Many unhappy wives find it easier to close their eyes and endure an unpleasant and cruel reality than to change something in their lives. Observing the humiliation and disrespect of their spouse, they often soothe themselves with the following words:
- “I live with him and put up with this, just for the sake of the children.”
- “He’s bound to change.”
- “It’s my own fault he’s doing this to me.”
- “It’s no big deal, everyone lives this way…”
Do not be reassured by false beliefs.
Don’t engage in self-deception. Life is only one, and it’s worth it to live it happily.
- You don’t have to endure humiliation and beatings just to have a father and breadwinner living next to your children. Little, and grown up, family members, will not be happy and grateful to parents who have contributed to their living in an atmosphere of fear and tension. It is better to divorce your husband and help develop a friendly relationship between the children and their father than to stay in the marriage and foster disgust and hatred of the parent in the children.
- It is not a fact that a negligent spouse will change his or her attitude toward his or her spouse and children if there is nothing to change. People don’t just change. The aggressiveness and ignorance of the husband will not fix the “sheepish” behavior of the wife and the over obedience of the battered children.
- In some cases, the spouse may indeed provoke the husband into bad behavior and irritation. But if the humiliating and aggressive actions of the spouse are regularly repeated, there is no need to justify the behavior of the tyrant.
- There is no need to reassure yourself that the surrounding families, also unhappy. Wouldn’t you want a happier fate for yourself? It is better to pay attention to those who were able to build a happy relationship after they broke the “Gordian knot”.
Think through all the details
Thinking about divorce, a woman must be sure to weigh up and think everything. Especially if the family is raising common children.
- It is desirable to write down all the positive and negative sides of the marriage. There should not be anything to hide or “brighten up”. This list is necessary so that the woman can soberly look at her family life from the outside.
- It is necessary to talk to the children, if they will not spout off to Dad about “heart-to-heart conversations with their mother.” If, we are talking about the kids, then it is not worth it to traumatize their state of mind before time. Especially if the woman is undecided about the decision to divorce.
Talk to your spouse.
Before the divorce, it is worth talking to your husband beforehand. Perhaps the man will consider his mistakes and change his behavior. In some cases, a woman can temporarily leave her spouse alone. This “time out” will help both her and her husband to be apart from each other, to rethink the values, to make a kind of “rehearsal divorce”. If the pause did not help “remake” the guilty party, the separation becomes inevitable. One should not convince oneself otherwise, and go for drastic measures.
Leaving an abusive husband
In some families the relationship quickly comes to naught and the spouses both go through with the divorce. But sometimes, the woman is tormented in a suffocating marriage with a dictator – her husband – and is afraid to leave him. The man sees the woman as his own thing, as a slave, and suppresses any attempts to “break free.” He intimidates the unfortunate victim, locks her up at home, takes away her phone, and cuts off all paths to “freedom” and “normal life. The desperate and frightened woman resigns herself to her miserable fate and is afraid to change her life, convincing herself that it will be even worse. There is no need to be deceived! Millions of unhappy wives have stepped forward and been able to change their lives for the better! They too were scared, uncomfortable, and sad, but they strived for a better fate and got their way.
Being in the family boat with a tyrant, a wife should think carefully about how to leave her husband. It is necessary to think through all the details to protect yourself and the children from the aggression of a spouse who categorically does not agree to a divorce and threatens family members.
- It’s important to weigh up everything and think about it. First of all decide on a future place of residence. From an abusive spouse is easier to leave than to kick him out of the house. Find a home for yourself and your children is an important task.
- Get support from family and friends.
- Consult a lawyer about divorce and alimony. Collect and hide the necessary documents in advance: passport, make photocopies.
- In the case of a marriage with a despot, from which it is problematic and difficult to leave, perhaps it is necessary in advance to carry the necessary things in the new place of residence. Upon learning of the departure of the spouse, the angry husband may prohibit access to personal belongings, in order to manipulate her and the situation.
- There is no need to be afraid of outside help. If the abusive husband becomes violent, you should contact the police immediately. Your own health and life are more important than, contrived fears and complexes.
How not to make mistakes with children
Before leaving her husband, a woman should talk to his relatives. You should not stoop to claims, rudeness and insults. Perhaps after hearing her version of the divorce, her in-laws will be able to understand her and become friends with her. It is important to pay attention to the children. They may suffer greatly from the fact that their beloved mother and father now live apart.
What should not be done categorically:
- Ignore the children’s distress, strange behavior and questions.
- Ask heartbreaking questions: Who do you love more, Daddy or Mommy?
- Snapping at children, shouting, and even more so, hitting.
- Pouring your heart out to the children, insulting the negligent father and spouse.
- Forbid the children to communicate with their father, unless the visits are physically or mentally threatening to them.
- Do not manipulate the child by communicating with the ex-spouse.
How to help your child survive the situation
It is important not to make parenting mistakes with children when parents divorce. Any change brings with it stressful feelings, especially for children. It doesn’t matter what age they are: toddlers or adult teens. The following steps will help to reduce the severity of the experience of a parent’s divorce:
- Listen to the child’s worries, try to support him or her and assure that everything will definitely be okay. Don’t ignore any alarm bells in his behavior and words. Do not disregard the advice of a qualified psychologist.
- If children are young, then the first time you should not tell them about the divorce. It is better to just say that Mom and Dad will now live separately. The baby will eventually get used to the new circumstances, and the real reasons can learn later, when he grows up and understands his mother’s behavior.
- With older children, the divorce should be talked about calmly and discreetly, without going into too much detail and without being rude to the negligent husband. If a child longs for communication with his father, there is no need to forbid it, unless there are serious reasons for it.
Don’t get depressed.
Divorce is never painless. Not without reason it is called “a little death”. Therefore, women often do not dare to take such a step and entail a miserable state in an unhappy family. There is no need to be afraid of change, if it is the beginning of a new, rich life. In order not to get bogged down in heavy worries, a woman should follow these recommendations:
- Talk to a psychologist, pour out your soul to your family and friends.
- Pay attention to yourself: do sports, update your closet, find an interesting hobby.
- Pay attention to your children (they also have a hard time now). Go to the park, the pool, visit a children’s theater or watch a new cartoon.
- If possible, stay on friendly terms with your husband. This will be good for both, if the spouses have children in common.
In some cases, while at a distance, a divorced man and woman come to the decision to get back together and start over, without past mistakes. Or they realize that divorce was the best solution for their situation.
To get back together or not
Whether or not to get back together with your ex-husband is not an easy decision. A woman has to weigh it carefully and think it through:
In fact, a person can change for the sake of loved and dear people. But becoming on the same rake is not worth it if there is no progress.
Don’t make new mistakes.
After separating from her husband, a woman should reconsider her life, and understand what she wants for the future, herself and children. A big mistake is made by divorced women who immediately seek to start a new relationship, convincing themselves that it will be better for her and the children. It is important to understand that marriage is serious work. Disappointments in the past should serve as a serious lesson, from which important thoughts and arguments should be taken out, in order to build a happy relationship in the future.
How to leave your husband with a child: tips from psychologists. When to leave, how to decide to do it?
According to statistics, the initiators of divorce are mostly women, and they also suffer from loneliness more often. There are more lonely women than men. After separation, the man easily finds a new companion, and a woman can not get a relationship. The task is also complicated by the fact that she may have children in her arms. Therefore, many women, even in a hopeless situation, when their husband beats or drinks, do not know how to leave her husband with a child and find a new family happiness.
It is always more difficult for a woman.
However, finding a soul mate is difficult not only for divorced adult ladies, getting married to a young, attractive person is not so easy either. That’s why the requirements to the stronger sex are getting smaller and smaller every day. While the girl should be beautiful, and smart, and a good hostess, and it would not hurt her to earn.
This state of affairs puts a woman in an oppressive position: she has to be content with being a chimney sweep and still be a princess. And once married, all responsibility for keeping the family together rests solely on her.
Even if she was lucky, and her husband was a model family man with a good salary, there will always be stumbling blocks: annoying mother-in-law, jealousy and other little things. What to say when the husband turned out to be far from her expectations! That’s when the thought arises of breaking off the relationship and not suffering.
When is it urgent to leave your husband?
In any family, sooner or later there will be a bad streak, life can not pass serenely and cheerfully, there will be frustrations, tears and disappointments. The main thing is to clearly see the line between when the relationship can be saved and fixed and when you need to take all possible measures to end it.
Marriage, you can never, under any circumstances, can not be saved if:
- The husband drinks heavily, addicted to gambling. If after every paycheck he brings home with fifty-dollar paper sticking out of his jeans pocket, and when asked where the rest of the money he says incoherently that they are not, then what responsibility and care can we talk about. With such a man you can not build family happiness;
- Husband raises his hand. A real man must be able to keep his emotions under control. Even if a woman is wrong, she is weaker and will not be able to retaliate. Taking advantage of that is a sign of cowardice;
- A husband doesn’t put his wife in any way . Usually such men treat a woman as a cook, maid, babysitter and when necessary a love priestess. They are not at all interested in her inner world, not to mention her desires and interests;
- The husband does not think about family. Remember the movie “The Princess on a Bean”? When Nina was bending over three jobs, and her husband was lying on the couch all day reading spiritual and educational literature? Never put yourself in that position;
- And of course no relationship is out of the question if her husband had another woman. However, a mistress is not the same as a mistress, the wife is unlikely to ever find out about “one-time” women, and if it is a permanent concubine, on which he spends most of the family budget and time, then clearly, after such a betrayal is unlikely to revive love.
How do you decide to leave your husband with a child?
But even when a woman finds herself in a situation where leaving her husband is the only way to a normal life, she often does not want to break off the relationship. The reason for all this is a banal fear of change. Fear of the new and unknown forces patience. Immediately not simple questions arise:
- Where to go;
- What to live on;
- How to bring up children without a father;
- What relatives will say.
But the changes that are really needed in life should not be feared. Human resources are an amazing thing; they are activated when his life is on the line.
There is such an interesting story in D. Carnegie’s book, “And he burned the ships,” when one general, having sailed to an enemy island, burned the ships and told the soldiers that if they lost, there would be nowhere to run and they would die. Despite unequal forces, victory was won. Any man on the edge of a precipice is able to defeat all of life’s circumstances.
How do you leave your husband with two children?
It is difficult for a woman to decide to separate if she is also with a child, or even more than one. But a drunken, walking father should not be an example for children. Live in an environment of violence, scandals and nervous tension is not better than living separately. If a mother decides to leave her husband, she must first of all take care of her children and prepare properly:
- To save up or find at least a small amount for the first time. If there is no such a possibility, you should try to find friends who can lend you money;
- If the woman does not work find a source of income, at least a small one;
- Find a good lawyer who will help assert their rights, the rights of children and get their share of the common property;
- Make sure that the first time someone helps with the children;
- Prepare the children psychologically, as hard as it may be. It is better to tell them directly that mom and dad can no longer be together. Children are very sensitive to all changes, and so lies like, we’re going away to grandma’s for a week will be suspected right away and may not forgive him;
- When the moment comes, don’t run away and leave a note, but talk to your husband and inform him of your decision;
- Tell your in-laws about the divorce yourself, arguing your position.
How to live alone after a divorce?
Left alone with children, it will not be easy for a woman financially and psychologically. At this point it is very important not to be alone, there will always be people who will support morally, parents, acquaintances and friends. It is necessary not to withdraw into yourself, and fight the desire to be alone, not to talk to anyone. The constant whirlwind of events at work will help you forget a little.
The most important thing to remember about the children, they are in this situation the hardest, so it is necessary to give them more attention: to walk, play, talk. A woman who has devoted her whole married life to family chores, should look for ways to realize other abilities.
Material difficulties are inevitable at first, but if you work honestly, engage in education and do not sit still, over time you can stabilize your situation.
It is difficult to say unequivocally how to leave a husband with a child when a woman is completely dependent. The very thought of the impending new life often scares her, but you need not be afraid, and think about the children. It is very difficult to live without a father, but to see your father drinking, beating your mother and holding hands with another aunt is even worse. Protect your children from this kind of trauma, in time they will understand and support your decision.
Video: how to break up with your husband and take the children?
In this video, psychologist Irina Swan will consult a girl on Skype, in which she will advise how to do the right thing and painlessly leave her husband, taking the child with him: