Can you forgive the treason of his wife, and how to live after betrayal?
According to statistics, the infidelity of women – one of the most severe blows to the male ego. Betrayal is difficult to forgive and impossible to understand. Is it necessary to forgive his wife’s infidelity and how to live after?
Is it possible to forgive a woman’s infidelity?
In the first hours after the shocking news of his cheating partner, the vast majority of men do not even want to hear that it is necessary to forgive. The resentment and pain are felt for quite some time, but their place is still taken by the ability to reason.
It’s not easy to end a long-term relationship, especially if there are children in the family. And feelings for the spouse, in spite of her infidelity, no one cancelled. So is it possible to forgive his wife’s infidelity?
The answer to this question depends on the reasons that prompted her to such a heinous act. If you have a relationship was smooth and you do not feel guilty, then you can not forgive your spouse, or to delay his favor. Otherwise, you risk letting your wife sit on your neck and dangle her feet.
When you realize that you have behaved inappropriately in family life, then it is possible to forgive the weakness of his spouse. Did not you provoke treason by your neglect? Women are much less likely than men to decide to do such things, and mostly they need a serious reason for adultery.
To understand how to forgive his wife’s adultery and whether it is possible to do, listen to personal feelings. Not every man is capable of continuing to live with a betrayer, despite all the extenuating circumstances. Think about whether there is a future for your family after the wrongdoing spouse? Do not cut off the shoulder, analyze what happened, talk to your wife, and only then make a reasonable decision.
How to really forgive?
Is it worth forgiving his wife’s infidelity or not – your decision. But to keep a grudge and bitterness in your heart is to poison your life itself. Such emotions are truly destructive force and will only attract more negativity. Try to get rid of the burden of resentment with the help of sound advice. Consider how you can forgive your wife’s infidelity, depending on what you want.
If you want to keep marital happiness with your spouse
No one is immune to making mistakes, sometimes so serious that they can change lives forever. Can you forgive the infidelity of the girl who was the closest to you in the world? If your spouse has sinned, but you do not want to leave her, then no one has the right to condemn this decision.
How to keep a happy family after cheating on your wife and forgive her:
- Find out the reason for the adultery. It is unlikely that the spouse threw herself into the arms of the first person she met for nothing, because years of life together were at stake. Find out what exactly was the reason for the wrongdoing, causing his wife to talk frankly. Do not put pressure on her and try to get the truth. This information will help to understand the motives of the spouse and to act further in the right direction.
- Admit guilt, if any, and make amends. Since you decided to save the marriage, you realize that some of your guilt in a woman’s infidelity is likely. Perhaps you have not shown the other half of the proper attention or even went out on their own right and left, forgetting completely about his beloved. Tell your spouse that you realized the mistakes. Show her her actions, that in the future such a thing will not happen again. Become a dream husband, so that his wife regretted the wrongdoing, and never look away again.
- Look for the positive qualities of the spouse. It’s hard not to think about the fact that the other half just a short time ago, frolicking with another, and now sits next to her as if nothing had happened. The memory of an unpleasant incident interferes with the ability to forgive your spouse with all your heart. In order to quickly get into a familiar pattern of life, chase away these memories. Look for the benefits of the wife and focus your attention on them. For example, ask your spouse to cook your favorite meal and enjoy her culinary skills.
It is impossible to forgive a person in a snap of your fingers. So be patient and in no case reproach your spouse every day adultery happened. So you only inflame the situation and get another scandal. If you really decided to keep the family, then behave decently.
If you want to let go on all four sides.
Divorce must be beautiful. Do not hold your anger and hatred towards your spouse, who is about to become your ex. Find a modicum of generosity and leniency, even if very soon the stamp in your passport will scream about your freedom.
How to forget your wife’s infidelity in a divorce:
- Understand the absurdity of your emotions. If you are determined to file for divorce, it simply makes no sense not to forgive your spouse. Why the unnecessary resentment in your soul when very soon you both will not be bound by the bonds of marriage?
- Take a break. When you’ve literally just had a stressful situation, it’s hard to act judiciously. But if for a long time you are nervous and accumulate evil in yourself, then harm yourself. Do not live in the past, try to switch to your favorite activities and rest. The nervous system will calm down and forgive your wife will be much easier.
- Wish your wife happiness. Spewing curses in the direction of an unfaithful spouse, you are exactly nothing, but inflaming the situation. Tell your wife that you are grateful for the pleasant moments of life together, but now you have parted ways, and you want her to find personal happiness with another. So you break the series of conflicts, put a logical point and come out of the situation with dignity, like a real man.
Everything has already happened, the decision is made, and it’s foolish to hold a grudge against your ex-wife without five minutes. You still will meet a woman who will be faithful, so do not waste time on negative feelings and dream of a cloudless future.
If you can not forgive treason spouse: tips from psychologists
You have followed all the recommendations, corrected your behavior, seemingly established a peaceful existence with your wife, but resentment still torments your soul? Advice from psychologists will help to answer the question of how to forgive the cheating wife:
- Talk to your spouse about the problem. Maybe you need to hear again that you are loved and would not be traded in for a casual relationship. Or you want to know that your wife is remorseful and realizes that she made a mistake. An understanding woman won’t refuse to have a frank conversation and dispel your doubts. Make with your wife a kind of contract. Write on a piece of paper the obligations of both sides and what happens in case they are not met. So you’re just a formal, but to protect yourself from possible negative events. Order and discipline are very important for men. This method will help you quickly forgive your wife.
- Remember the happy moments of your life. Together you were in joy and in sorrow, so why does the first always come to mind? To forgive your spouse, it is worth diving into a world of pleasant memories. Think about what immerses you in an atmosphere of happiness and tranquility: a wedding, a vacation at the sea, the birth of his first child. That way you’ll more quickly realize that your wife is not only a betrayer, but also an interesting, sweet, loving woman who recently just stumbled.
- Go to a marriage counselor. Together or with your spouse it is up to you to decide. Specialist will take apart all the nuances of the delicate problem individually, will find the root cause and help you to get on the right track. Do not think that psychologists are storytellers, siphoning money from gullible people. Try to talk to a specialist once, and then hang labels.
Do not leave the situation without attention. Resentment poisons your soul and your relationship with your spouse. Try not to lead to scandals and new troubles. Rest together and take everything that happened as a kind of family crisis, which gave you the impetus to develop.
How to move on?
How to forgive the cheating wife – the girl of your life, we dealt with. Now it remains to understand whether a truly happy life after adultery is possible, and how to make it such.
For the first time after the incident is inevitable emotional pain. This is quite normal, because the betrayal of a loved one is a serious blow to the self-esteem. However, there is a certain danger. Woman feels your grief, begins to make amends in full: to talk about compliments, courtiers, to express themselves in bed. You are flattered by this behavior, and over time you realize that being the hub of the earth is very profitable. Resentment towards your wife simply becomes a bad habit for you.
Remember, there is a reasonable limit to everything. So if you do not want to lose your spouse, do not delay with the resentment. A woman also needs to give back, despite the fact that cheating has happened. Otherwise, she will realize that she stayed together with you for nothing.
A happy family life after adultery is quite possible if you are willing to act in accordance with the following recommendations:
- Do not delay with the forgiveness. There is no point in being sad and resentful for too long. Live happily, not in constant quarrels.
- Do not reproach what happened. If you constantly think about the betrayal, you poison the life and yourself, and your spouse. Live the situation and forget about it.
- Develop a relationship. To the problem is not repeated, you need to change the way of life. Try to spend more time with your spouse and act like a real man. Get better, and your wife will take your example.
Trust is not returned instantly, but a comfortable family life is quite possible if you put some effort. Try to learn this lesson of fate and start your life together with a clean slate.
If you decided to dissolve your marriage after your spouse cheated on you, your task is not to lose confidence in all the other women. All people are different, so you should not be afraid of repeating the situation with another lady. It’s just that now you will pick up a different female type based on past negative experiences.
Live for today and thank fate for everything you have. Even negative experiences are also experiences. Move forward toward your happiness and forget cheating like a bad dream.
Is it worth forgiving your wife’s infidelity and how to do it?
There is a perception in society that men are less sensitive, that they are less likely to worry about love blunders and failures. In fact, members of the stronger sex suffer just as much as women, just better “disguise”. One of the most difficult issues for men is the question of whether to forgive his beloved woman the fact of infidelity. The complexity of the situation is that a man simply can not go somewhere to get advice: friends and associates, as well as parents are unlikely to understand, and it is not appropriate adult man to complain to his mother about the behavior of his wife. Visits to a psychologist Russian men are not used to, so they remain alone with their problems. In this article we will try to find a way out and tell you how to pull yourself together and take a fateful decision.
Reasons for infidelity
In Russia, until 2015, lived and worked a remarkable doctor of sciences, sociologist Andrei Kirillovich Zaitsev, who devoted a large section of his scientific work to the psychology and social aspects of adultery. He claimed that up to 59% of women are mentally ready to cheat on their spouse. But being mentally ready and translating thoughts into reality are different things. Zaitsev’s research statistics showed that up to 25.4% of women actually cheat on their husbands. In other words, one in four. If this figure is outrageous, then pay attention to the actual number of men cheating – almost 75%. Obviously, these figures do not reassure a man who has been cheated on by his beloved, so let us examine the motives.
Women, in general, is characterized by greater attachment to the family, the home, women are less likely to destroy their marriages, less likely to leave her husband for another man. And yet sometimes they cheat. There are reasons for this. According to the same Andrew Zaitsev, women go for long term relationship “on the side” is rare – only 20% of cheaters have a permanent lover, the rest have “anamnesis” of the single fact of treason.
Among the reasons that respondents anonymously indicated in the questionnaires during the study, the most common is boredom. A woman simply became bored and routine. Relationships with husbands have lost their former romance, they are not admired every day and every night, they do not serenade them and do not make rash acts for the sake of love. And it is understandable – the spouses have been married for a long time. If a man underestimates the importance of the romantic experience for his wife, it is possible that one of the four such wives would still decide to have an affair or an affair “on the side. This was the reason cited by 22% of women.
Other reasons were in the following order:
- dissatisfaction with sex (quantity, quality, emotional content of intercourse) – 13,5%;
- adultery as revenge for her husband’s adultery – 10,5% of women;
- new “real” love, new feelings – 5% of women;
- self-assertion, a way to improve self-esteem – 3% of women;
- coincidence of circumstances (state of alcoholic intoxication, bright fling at a corporate party, at a resort) – 1.5% of women.
For women’s adultery, according to experts, there are special prerequisites, which, for the most part, are not peculiar to the stronger sex. Studies have shown that women are more likely to cheat under the following circumstances:
- the woman had extensive sexual experience before marriage, changed many partners;
- The level of her education is higher than that of her husband;
- a woman is not financially dependent on her husband, has a good job and a normal level of income (alternatively, she feeds the family);
- the woman rarely sees her husband, communicates little with him and has no common interests (hobbies, music, movies);
- the woman is too young (under 23) or has passed the 45-year mark.
Be that as it may, sometimes the cause can be very difficult to determine – it is not obvious, or is a symbiosis of several risk factors.
Before you decide whether or not to forgive your wife, who betrayed and cheated, you should at least try to find out the reason why. Well, if the spouse to voice it herself, worse – if she would be silent. In this case you will have to think for yourself, and these reflections may not be the most pleasant for the ego. If you break it all down “in pieces”, very often the assumptions that the man unwittingly created himself – little love, not a hug and kiss, do not share her interests and not interested in her affairs, did not attach importance to feelings in sex, believing that the mechanical process for a woman’s pleasure is enough.
Finding a reason is not about troubling your soul and scourging yourself for the rest of your life. It’s important for the mechanism of forgiveness.
Is it worth it to forgive?
In the heat of the moment, while inside the boiling resentment and resentment, no decisions should be made. The likelihood of a wrong decision, which the man will regret later, too high. Options out really two: to pack up and nobly free the apartment, going to a new life in search of new love, or stay in the family and try to forgive your spouse. Time to think about it may not take much – a few days, and maybe – a few months, and so to start you need to decide in what environment will be more comfortable to live this time.
Here everything is individual. Some people prefer to stay at home and shut up proudly, while others go to the cottage, to mom, to a friend on a cot, to work with a cot. That is your right. As long as no one interferes with your thinking.
Much depends on how the perpetrator of worry behaves – if the woman you love, repent and now regret what happened, if she is open to dialogue, it will be easier to agree. Usually women do feel a lot of guilt and shame after an affair. There are individuals who continue to insist that they are right, blaming the circumstances, the lover, or the cheating husband (“his own fault”) for what happened. They tend to avoid communication after the fact of adultery revealed
If the wife is categorically set up to go on with life with another, then there is nothing to think about – divorce is unlikely to work.
Do not assume that a man who is ready to forgive the treason of his beloved and stay with her on, is a weak-willed man. Yes, there are many friends in his environment who will claim so (even to his face), but the decision is worthy of respect from whichever side you look. It’s hard for men to change their lives, especially if the marriage has lasted a long time (there are children, shared loans and mortgages, shared friends). The desire to keep the family may be stronger, and that is a good thing. By forgiving his wife, he will show nobility and generosity.
The main thing is that then he never returned to this subject, or in any scandal did not remind his wife of this fact. There are many examples when the family thanks to such actions of the man managed to save, and the relationship in it got better.
The best tactic for a man who decides to forgive will be the method of effective action developed by Maslow. In short, every negative thought about the wife’s behavior, her personality, for each episode of self-pity should have at least two active actions of a constructive nature. Example: once I thought: “Why is she doing this to me? I did this and that for her, and she…” – I helped an elderly neighbor take out the trash, voluntarily did the dishes, and helped a child do her homework. Or this way: once reproached his wife for her misdeeds, he went to his mother-in-law twice and helped out around the house. It works without fail. Positive activity quickly displaces mental anguish.
Forgive or not – only a man to decide. There’s no one to advise him. Assess the circumstances, weigh the depth of their feelings, the willingness of his wife to the dialogue can only himself.
If the husband could not accept reality, to understand the motives, to justify the woman’s Act for himself, if he logically better to end the relationship, do not start and reconcile – life after adultery can be a hard ordeal for both, and it all ends sadly.
How to forgive and move on?
If you decide to save the family and forgive your spouse, be sure to start with a serious and trusting conversation. No need to make excuses and accuse her, you just need to summarize your thoughts aloud – “you did this, it has already happened, but I was also not attentive enough (involved, caring, faithful, etc.). Don’t say “You,” talk more about how you are feeling right now. Call things by their proper names – “hurtful,” “difficult,” “scary,” “unpleasant. But be sure to sum it up – you love her, you want her to be there.
It is important to find out in a constructive dialogue, whether the relationship “on the side”, what she feels and thinks about it. Silence – not the best option, the gap between the spouses will grow and expand.
Forgive your wife will help principle, formulated by well-known psychologist Pauline Haverdovskaya: “No one in the world does not have to meet your expectations. Apply this to yourself and your wife. View her as a separate person, not an appendix to your beloved self. This will help you make a decision with respect for your partner.
Try to look at the situation as an outside viewer. Imagine watching a movie whose characters (both of you) are caught up in a certain situation. See how “your” character will behave. If he starts screaming and thrashing around, ruining everything and punching his wife in the face, you shouldn’t start the relationship all over again. Inner aggression will come out one day, because it, like all secret things, tends to become obvious.
Don’t allow ugly scandalous scenes. Don’t humiliate or degrade your partner. Everything has already happened, the insults here can not change anything, but you can fall even further in the eyes of his wife, and in their own too.
Agree with his wife on the rules of life in the future – you do not remember the adultery (although to truly forget, of course, will not work), she does not repeat such acts. You do not tell anyone about what happened, you never reproach her, she never recalls what happened.
Forgiveness does not come immediately. It is a gradual, slow and time consuming process.
How do you repair a relationship?
Do not think that after the reconciliation the wife will do everything herself, and the relationship will be wonderful again. It will not. You have to work together to rebuild the family, there are no other options. What does that mean? It means you have to rethink your daily life. Come home from work early, drink beer with friends less often and spend more time with his wife – to go to the cinema with her, to the theater, just to walk in the evening before bedtime. Be sure to take on some of the responsibilities of raising children. They have a magical ability to form their mother’s attitude towards the man they appreciate and love. If you’re not ready for this, do not try to put all the responsibility for the relationship on the head of the guilty wife.
Take the above practice of Maslow, which probably helped you in the first days and weeks after the personal drama together. Do creative things together – make repairs in the kitchen together, try to diversify your intimate life.
Exclude from the circle of communication all the “advisers” – friends and relatives who are “aware of” and are always striving to “sling salt in the wounds. Your life and family – it’s yours, and try it on their shoulders to others.
Tips from psychologists
What you can do if your wife cheated is hard to say. The answer depends on how a man was brought up, what kind of family he grew up in, what examples in the face of parents have seen, what books he has read. But here’s a list of things that can not be done, every man in this situation must read, so as not to exacerbate the situation.
- Fall into alcoholic “anesthesia”. Heartache increases in proportion to the amount of alcohol, remember that in the most difficult moments.
- To devalue all women, to become cynical about them. Whether you have forgiven your wife or not, other women are not to blame for anything. Think of the wives of the Decembrists, of Juliet, of the hundreds of thousands of Soviet women who were waiting for their husbands from the front. The negativity will diminish.
- Humiliate your wife. Whether you leave or stay, just respect her as yourself. Don’t humiliate or dictate conditions.
- Unleash, even if you really want to slap the other half. Neither honor, nor male dignity in the universal sense of the word will not add you.
- Set against his wife (or ex-wife) children, parents, mutual friends, to form a negative opinion of her. No one needs to know about what concerns only you two. Let everything remain your secret.
- Do not lose your self-esteem if the marriage was not saved or there is nothing to save.
Not always what happened is bad for you. It is possible that soon you will meet with a completely different person with whom you’ll be happy for the rest of his life.