The husband insults and humiliates. He calms down for a while when I want to leave him.
Hello! In a marriage of 10 years, two children. My husband systematically insults and brings me to tears. At the beginning of the marriage there were some calls, but I did not pay attention because I was in love, it was not that bad. When the children were born, Husband demanded that I put food on him, pour him coffee, regardless of whether I had time or not, how I was feeling. He was constantly picking on me, yelling, calling me names, throwing his cup away, rattling dishes with a frenzy. The reason could have been an empty kettle, or a lost thing, I was to blame for all my troubles. And he never helped me with the children, he never cleaned or cooked, but he constantly reproached me that the house was a mess, the food was very basic and I did nothing, and it was all in obscene language. I became afraid of him. When I went to work, I became more confident, because I didn’t have to beg him for every penny. I started telling him that he could pour his own coffee, and he got angry, but eventually he poured it himself. But he always freaked out when there was no breakfast in the morning, if we had the same day off. But it so happened that the night before he was so annoying that I didn’t want to do anything for him in the morning. I told him that. I’m not a conflicted person. I fall into a stupor when he starts yelling. All my attempts to convey to him that there should be respect in the family, are futile. He has one answer: you drove me crazy, if you did not behave like this, I would not be angry. He never apologizes. I stopped wanting to go out with him. He can humiliate me in front of other people, too. You never know when he’s going to blow up. I drive the car the wrong way, the kids ruined something, something did not go according to plan, on any occasion, wild yelling and swearing. After the last scandal I slept in the room with the kids, I was turned away from him. I am frustrated and devastated. When I bring up the divorce conversation, he says he’s the one who earned it all. Everything is his. But I’ve noticed that he can bitch at me for a long time, but as soon as he feels I’m ready to leave, even though he doesn’t apologize, he calms down and doesn’t touch me. And I sort of calm down, and then again all over again.
Question author: Anastasia Age: 35
The question is answered by psychologist Alina Lelyuk.
I re-read your letter twice and did not see your question. What do you need help with? What exactly do you want at this point in your life? Do you want to gather strength and courage to leave your husband? Or maybe you want a relationship to get better, to stop being afraid of him, and to have joy in that relationship? What exactly do you want? Think about these questions very carefully! After all, each option will have different ways and methods of solving your desire.
Let me tell you right away that in any relationship, all responsibility is always shared equally. There is no such thing that one is guilty and bad in everything, and the other is right in everything and angelically pure. If something went wrong in a relationship, both people are always to blame. This means that somewhere in some moments you have allowed your husband to treat you this way. Do you understand?
After all, in any relationship, we are treated exactly the way we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves. All I will say is that perhaps you have a very low self-esteem, and you do not appreciate, respect, or devalue yourself. Or your parents were in approximately the same relationship, and you simply did not have an example of harmonious relationships in the family. That is why you “didn’t pay much attention to falling in love, it wasn’t that bad”. Which means that you initially accepted your husband’s “rules of the game” and allowed him to treat you that way. And if you allowed it yourself, what claims can you have against your husband?
If you want your husband to start treating you differently, you need to deal with yourself. You certainly can not change your husband, no matter how hard you try to do it. But you can start to change yourself: treat yourself with more respect, listen to your needs and take them into account, determine what is completely unacceptable to you and not allow it. And also to love and appreciate yourself. Learn to talk about your desires, dreams, goals and aspirations. About what is good for you and what is not acceptable for you at all in a relationship. And once you start to change – your reality will start to change. And your husband’s attitude towards you will begin to change. This is the only sequence in which change is possible.
You see, even if you suddenly divorce your husband – there is a huge chance that with another man you will build approximately the same relationship. Because you, unfortunately, do not know how to build another relationship yet. And you need to learn how to do this for your own good and for the good of your children.
You understand that children grow up in conditions of constant humiliation of mom. Where Dad can easily yell, scream and swear at Mom because of even the smallest things. For your children this will be the norm of life. They will build about the same kind of relationship, because they have not seen another example, where Daddy loves and appreciates Mom, and Mom respects and loves Daddy. Is that the kind of future you want for your children?
I would recommend that you see a psychologist. It will be much more effective than just writing to a website where there is no way to ask you a question and hear your answers to give you more specific help.
You can be a happy, loving and beloved woman who gets joy in a relationship with your man if you put very little effort into working on yourself and dealing with those inner beliefs and attitudes that “help” you to build this very painful relationship for you.
“After the last scandal, I’m sleeping in the room with the kids, turned away from him. I’m disappointed and devastated” is the best state of mind to start doing something to get closer to yourself. After all, you have no hope that things will work themselves out and get better, do you? So you need to take control of your life and start working on improving it – specifically on yourself in the first place. That’s the only way you’ll be able to change your reality!
Most importantly – believe in yourself, and everything will be great for you! You are still very young and you have an eternity of boundless happiness ahead of you, if you take care of yourself!
What to do if my husband is abusive?
Sometimes couples complain that a conversation escalates into an argument, then escalates into a quarrel, and one party begins to humiliate and insult the other. Such an environment is capable of destroying any relationship. And in most cases, this behavior is inherent in men (although I have seen cases where the wife humiliates her husband, but this is more of an exception). Why does this happen and what to do about it? Let’s break it down.
If your partner insults you, you need to look for a reason. The fact that you are aware of the problem – this is already good. But it is not enough. You need to figure it out. And in no case do not try to “swallow” the offense. By keeping silent about the problem, you give a man the green light to the fact that he continued to humiliate you.
Why does a man insult a woman?
To understand the answer to this question, first think about whether it started a long time ago.
Sit down and think back, maybe your partner has always been intemperate? Could be rude to a passerby who accidentally hurt him, or rude to colleagues or superiors. But before such behavior affected only strangers, and now he relaxed and is not embarrassed to show his true face and to you.
This behavior is usually inherent in men who grew up in an environment of tyranny, such as in a family where the man, being sexist, did not respect his wife.
If, however, this behavior began conventionally recently, there may be several reasons:
A crisis in the relationship. Perhaps your relationship has degenerated into one where there is nothing left but the domestic stuff. Then the man can get out of itself any little thing, and in the depths of his heart he may say too much.
Life difficulties. If your man has a problem at work, an illness or a quarrel with his parents, it will be difficult for him to restrain himself, because somewhere to pour out their negative emotions. And you’re always there.
He’s cheating on you. Yes, it happens that her husband took the mistress, and he thumbed your nose at your own shortcomings. This is done in order to justify himself in his own eyes: “I am not a scoundrel, this wife I have a bad, so I had to get a good one.
How to stop the constant insults?
Many people ask, “If a man insulted a woman as the right thing to do? The answer. Regardless of whether it started long ago or not, try to talk to the man. Only calmly. Don’t rebuke him and don’t respond in the same way. Humiliating your husband in return is not the answer. Try to challenge him to talk, begin, for example, with the phrase “I hate to hear you say that. Why do you say that?” Answers may vary.
“Don’t make it up!” If the man just waves you off, doesn’t want to keep the conversation going, then it could be a sign that there really is a crisis in your relationship. In this case, my course “How to bring romance and passion back into a relationship” will be helpful for you, after which you can build a harmonious relationship anew.
“Yes, I said so because. ” If the man is coming forward and trying to explain his behavior to you, you may not have given him the opportunity to share his problems and experiences yourself before. Think maybe something has changed in your behavior or attitude toward him?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” This is the phrase all resentful women want to hear. After her there is usually a logical explanation for this behavior – problems at work, debts on loans or something similar. Rejoice – there is a caring, loving man, who is ready to admit his mistake.
What to do if he continues to insult?
If a man, despite all the talk and your requests, is still constantly snapping at you, he:
Either he is used to you putting up with it, and he can no longer imagine another model of relationship with you;
Or a coward who wants to end the relationship with you, but cannot or is afraid to tell you directly;
Or he is just an abuser by his psychology who enjoys insulting and humiliating a woman.
In such cases, my advice is one. Run away from him! Run away without looking back or regretting anything. How to do this, I tell you in my course “Manipulators and their victims.
My darlings, you are worthy of respect!
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