5 tips on how to cope with the constant reproaches of the husband
In any couple, everyone has once criticized the partner. But sometimes the reproaches turn into a method of psychological pressure and violence, where one acts as an accuser and the other as a victim. How to behave if the husband is constantly nagging? How not to spoil the relationship finally?
Stop being a victim.
Weak women who are unable to defend themselves and fight back, attract powerful men. Such wives are used by spouses to take them to get their own complexes. They humiliate the woman, stooping to direct insults and personalities. The purpose of the accusations is to make the wife feel guilty, inferior and grateful that the man stays with her, such an imperfect woman. No woman deserves such treatment. If her husband’s remarks are of a constant negative nature, it is worth wondering whether the man is around. There are exceptions, when a girl voluntarily accepts the role of the victim, apologizing for every wrong move.
Raise your self-esteem
Sometimes the wife by her behavior and attitude allows the man to criticize and reproach. Women with low self-esteem tend to argue about the imperfection of the figure, the inability to cook, choose outfits. Constantly asserting: “How I got fat!”, “I’m such an idiot!”, you can not get a reaction of disagreement and a storm of compliments in response. Man does not always understand such hints, more often than not, self-criticism leads to criticism from her husband. Therefore, you need to respect yourself and work on your self-esteem. The spouse may not realize the shortcomings that the wife attributes to herself.
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Separate types of criticism.
Offended woman confuses adequate comments with groundless picking. It is important to distinguish between types of criticism: there is no accusatory coloring in constructive criticism. Sometimes the purpose of the male statement – the desire to change something for the better. Perhaps the husband chose the wrong form and tone of comment. If you do not take offense and do not close yourself off, and look at the situation from the outside, there will be no reason to worry.
If the man rebukes without reason and his criticism is destructive, the meaning of his statements is to lower the wife’s self-esteem and to get higher at her expense.
If you take all her husband’s reproaches close to his heart, family life will turn into hell. You need to fight back a man. Do not make excuses, do not criticize in response, and do not throw tantrums. Act gently, with a woman’s wisdom. Each man requires a different approach. With some men humor helps (“Yes, Your Highness” or “How hard it is for you to live with me”), with others – ignore: pass minor comments by ear, as long as they do not pass the limits. If the reproaches are hurtful, tell your spouse directly. It is important not to allow abusive remarks from the husband, stop the name-calling and direct his criticism in a constructive direction. Unspoken insults gradually wear down the psyche and lead to major conflicts.
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Identify the reason for the reproaches
Often the reason for constant criticism is not the faults of the wives at all. Sometimes it is the men themselves. If you watch your husband and listen to him carefully, suddenly something new is revealed. Why the spouse is constantly rebuking:
- Upbringing. Some since childhood grow up in austerity, in the family reproaches prevail over praise. Such husbands into adulthood adopt the communication of constant recriminations. The wife’s task is to surround her spouse with love, care and affection, to let him know what is more important.
- Character. There is a category of men-lovers in life. They are dissatisfied with everything and like to whine. It’s better to treat them with leniency and not to take criticism personally.
- Vampirism. An energy vampire feeds off the emotions of others. The more tumultuous reactions he receives, the more pleasant he is. Therefore, it is better to ignore the accusations or turn them into jokes without being provoked.
- Tension. The wife gets caught in the “hot hand” because the spouse does not know how to throw off the accumulated tension and aggression. They snapped most often at relatives. If it is not possible to prevent her husband’s reproaches by talking about his problems, you should try to be patient with your tired and embittered lover.
- Low self-esteem. Criticism and rebuke tend to insecure people. Husband needs support and appreciation of his merits and achievements. They need to admire and praise, even if there is nothing to praise. A man who is pampered and surrounded by compliments will respond with tenderness and attention.
- Dissatisfaction. Spouse, criticizing the little things (things are in the wrong place, not so cooked soup), feels discomfort in others. He is offended or dissatisfied with his attitude, perhaps his beloved pays little attention to him. By talking through the situation with the husband, the problem of recriminations is also solved.
- Projection. Often criticize in others what one does not like in oneself. Someone who often talks about his wife’s excess weight may himself be far from perfect.
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If the spouse is constantly criticizing, then he is either a domestic tyrant, or he has psychological problems: poor self-esteem, dissatisfaction with work, dissatisfaction with personal life. To cope with daily nagging, you need to find out their cause, as well as change your attitude to the comments and yourself. Stop blaming yourself, making excuses and reacting violently, getting offended and angry. If we are not talking about emotional violence in the family, then patience and frank conversations with your husband will help to combat the reproaches.
What to do if your husband is constantly displeased: sorting out the problem
All men are different, and each of them has its own flaws and bad habits. There are obvious shortcomings, such as alcohol dependence, smoking and so on. But there are also less obvious and at the same time very unpleasant features of the man’s character. If a man is constantly grumbling and showing dissatisfaction, then no girl will like it and does not like him at all. What to do in this situation?
Often you can hear from women the phrase: “My husband is constantly picking on me”. Is it possible to solve this problem? It all depends on how strong your nerves and whether your relationship is still dear.
The reasons for the discontent.
It’s all in character.
A possible reason for the husband’s perpetual nagging, his character is choleric. It’s not that he’s unhappy with his wife. It’s just his normal state. It’s his perception of the world. He is irascible, not optimistic, hot, quickly irritated. Conflict character, lack of restraint, lack of restraint – these are the features inherent in this type of people. His outbursts can hurt those around him. But he himself can not control it. He loves to argue, to draw others into disputes, and they begin their first. It is unlikely to change such a husband. In fact, it is impossible to change someone. Unless he himself wants to do it, and he will have to try very hard.
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A wife who loves such a man must be very strong psychologically. She will try not to pay attention to all the negativity that splashes out her husband. But it is not easy, and it is worth asking the question, “Do I need it?”
Spouting anger at loved ones
Another reason why a guy might behave this way is that he is venting his resentment and anger at the world around him on the people closest to him, at home, on his family, his wife and children. This is a weak person, with low self-esteem. Often such people have panic fears, suspicion and mistrust. Such a husband often suspects his wife of cheating, accuses her of wastefulness, does not trust and tries to control all her actions rigidly. Any conversations with him do not lead to anything good. Another scandal erupts and the blame for all the troubles again becomes the actions of the woman. The main culprit is always the wife. How to cope with this situation? Only a qualified specialist can help here. Therapy will help him take a new look at himself and his behavior, to teach a new form of communication with his environment.
Perhaps it’s about the girl?
Do not think that the causes of conflict between husband and wife lie only in the behavior of the man. Perhaps with his shouting and swearing, he is trying to bring to his wife’s consciousness what she does not want to understand and hear in any way. This is a kind of methods to his point of view, finally, to be taken into account. A woman should analyze what exactly her lover is trying to achieve and maybe there is a way to mutually resolve all conflicts.
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This term means that a man copies his own parents’ behavior when they were figuring out their relationship. If his father behaved this way and was rude and abusive to his mother, then, often, so does his son, just not thinking that there are peaceful ways to resolve conflicts.
Yelling and resentment are the norm
The worst scenario is if the partner believes that this behavior is normal. And that it is not necessary to change anything. He does not even realize that his aggression and rudeness hurt the woman. It seems to him that the rude remarks he allows himself to make are nothing more than mild criticism, that’s all. It is almost impossible to come to terms with such a man.
How to help a man correct his own situation.
Of course, if a man was born with character traits like a grumpy woman, he himself can not fix anything. This situation was described above. But if his discontent is about certain things, then you can help him cope with this situation.
Very often the cause is in the wife herself. A man is dissatisfied with his wife, namely her attitude toward him. Sometimes the wife is completely immersed in her hobbies, work or all the attention and love is directed to the children. In this case, the husband’s grumbling is aimed at attracting her attention to himself.
But sometimes the grumbling is due to dissatisfaction at work and unrealized dreams and desires. In this case, you can help your husband. Psychologists offer some practical advice to help cope on your own:
- A wife can help her husband to realize himself in some area. Support his endeavors. Encourage him if there are difficulties on the way to the dream.
- Be on the same team with your husband, realize common goals.
- Family should not be the only realized project, move on, but not to the detriment of the family.
- Learn to talk heart to heart, tell each other things that bother you both. Do not be offended, and try to find a solution together. If you hide your grievances to each other, this will lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.
Get a good idea of the nature and habits of the person can only be, living with him for a certain period of time. After all, we all, when we meet a person, try to seem better. If a guy does not grumble on dates, it does not mean that it is not peculiar to him.
What to do and what to do a woman
In no case should not be likened to this behavior of her husband, you should not stir up conflict and throw wood on the fire. It is better to wait until the man will be in a good mood and then try to discuss the issue peacefully. Explain to him that it is unacceptable to you, that it humiliates you and hurts. You need to convey to him that you are not going to put up with this, much less tolerate it for the rest of your life. If the man refuses to change, then you have to wonder if you are ready to live with this further?
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If conversations and clarifications of the relationship do not lead to the result, and the situation repeats again and again, then it is time for a woman to seriously think, and whether such a marriage, which causes only pain and suffering, is necessary? What does such a life give each of the married couple? In the first place, is there happiness and meaning in continuing to be together? In a relationship where one is always trying to be right and only his opinion is taken into account, the other always suffers. Does a woman need this kind of torment, doesn’t it suppress her as a person? The answers to all of these questions will lead a woman to the right decision. Sometimes divorce is necessary, because building harmony in the relationship, it is a matter of two. And, if one partner is so selfish that he is ready to destroy the family for the sake of his own self-assertion, then the other is better not to try to re-educate him, but to look for another, more mature partner.
Video on the topic of the article:
So, the wife is constantly yelling at her husband for doing everything wrong. What is he wrong about? He’s not her employee, and he doesn’t have to act like he works for her. The husband needs to stop reacting like a subordinate. And take the position of an equal partner in the dialogue.
Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
He’s a grown man, why does he have a to-do list? Does he have no eyes? Is he incapable of assessing whether it’s time to throw in the laundry, whether there are dirty dishes, whether the kid needs to be picked up after school? These everyday things people do without reference to any lists, on automatic. What problems they see in front of them, they eliminate.
It is very strange to hear from a man who feels like a hunted horse that his wife is “not relaxed enough. Do you think she’s tired of being difficult to control a grown man ?
You’re a victim in life.
One of the most common reasons men criticize you is your position as a victim. You’re playing out the parenting scenario or you’ve chosen to be a victim yourself. That’s so convenient.
You take all the responsibility off yourself, you don’t have to change anything. But the position of the victim attracts tyrants, men who are overbearing and oppressive.
It’s very convenient to be a victim when you don’t develop and can’t keep your men. It’s so hard to be soft, feminine, gentle, believe in him, isn’t it?
Constant criticism from a man is the first sign that you are playing the role of a victim.
It’s different if you “like it.” One version of self-defeating. The man criticizes you, you get a kind of punishment for guilt in the past. And internally you check the box next to “atonement”/”punish yourself.”
What to do in this case? Change yourself! Get out of the role of the victim. The sooner the better.
This is exactly the kind of case where you can’t just walk away from a man or try to influence him. First and foremost, work for yourself.
A potentially normal man will change with your condition. You’ll notice it for yourself. If you fall into the clutches of an unsatisfied sadist, decide for yourself to leave or stay.
How to turn criticism into “feedback
- “Kind” criticism involves discussing not the person, but their actions. If you start insulting and trying to pick on little things, you can abstract: such feedback has a right to exist, but you should not take it personally.
- Criticism of your actions, however crude, is justified. Set aside the emotional background to extract a rational grain. Many husbands are constantly criticizing and nagging, sincerely believing they are doing it in good faith.
- Often people take criticism in stride, believing their opinion is the only true one. Try to put aside your pride, objectively assess their own behavior.
If a woman is faced with humiliation in the family, psychologists give unambiguous advice :
- To think that the husband will come to his senses overnight is foolish – he will not change.
- You should not show affection, care and love in response to humiliating words, you should not expect positive results from such behavior.
- Insulting in response is also not necessary, wrong tactics.
- Neither is it necessary to gratify your husband’s whims without desire.
- It is impossible to reeducate a grown man without his own desire.
- To think that this kind of relationship in the family is the norm is not, it is not.
If the husband continues to behave vilely, constantly causing heartache with words, it is better to break up with him and find another mate. If for some reason a woman is not willing to do this, she has only to accept the role of the victim and not complain that life is not successful.
What makes a loving husband a nuisance and a satrap?
If your husband grumbles and scolds, but there was a time when you were happy together, it is still possible to fix everything, to return to the family warmth and peace. To do this you need to look into his heart and understand the real reason for his behavior.
Humiliate with words can be the owners of the anal vector. In fact, they are naturally the most caring and attentive husbands when they have harmony in their souls. But dissatisfaction can lead to groundless nagging and insults. Most often he did not realize what was wrong, but could not stop until he said all that was painful, until it resets the internal stress.
Where does it come from?
The reasons for this criticism can be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his inner state. You may have hurt him or insulted him in some way. And he has been hurt and he can’t forgive. Even if he tries hard.
It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:
- on little things;
- without any real reason;
- he is constantly dissatisfied, with everything;
- shifts the focus from one problem to another;
- criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.
And there’s no point in asking, “What’s wrong with me?” The whole point of the criticism is to hit your self-esteem and plant doubt in you.
If that doesn’t work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases where a man criticizes because he feels guilty about cheating.
Nuances of parenting.
A very valid reason. If his family was accepted to communicate at the level of criticism and complaints about and without, the same strategy he will adhere to in the relationship. He dropped a cup – he is a slob, he came with a “D” – he is a fool, the girl refused him – he is “not a man”.
Most often in such families, any achievements, positive qualities and deeds are not praised. They simply do not notice them, take them for granted or reduce them to “good luck”.
All of this becomes fuel for domestic nagging. There are two pieces of news: bad news and good news.
I’ll start with the bad: change the man at the snap of a finger is impossible. There is a chance only if he himself realizes the problem and wants to fix it. Let me tell you a secret: men in general are extremely difficult to change, and I strongly advise against it.
So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you don’t like the fact that he criticizes you, “picks on you,” picks on you, then end the relationship.
No hard feelings. He’s not doing it on purpose, he just doesn’t know any other way.
The good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change as a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.
Self-actualization at work and at home as a remedy for remarks
Dissatisfaction with her husband may be due to the wrong state of affairs in the family. No matter what successes in the professional field reached spouses, the family will be healthy only if there is a correct hierarchy, where the role of leader is for the husband. Children do not come second, but only third and subsequent places.
Unfortunately, it is not only the wife who can claim to be the head of the family. Sometimes it is also encroached upon by overbearing parents who help the young family. This is also a violation of the natural order of things and entails subtle but constant resentment.
Even if the head of the family because of his busy job rarely get to take an active part in the education of children, and the whole routine is engaged only in the wife, in strategic matters, his word should still be decisive. And the task of a wise wife to give her husband complete and accurate information about family matters. Take care of your family, protect it – especially while it is very young and fragile.
Also note that if the wife herself feels dissatisfied with herself, then even small requests (or still constructive remarks) cause a storm of protest in her soul. And a small word immediately turns into a big resentment. Did you like the article? Share it with your friends:
This little analysis of the situation and recommendations on how to fix it won’t help everyone. For most, the article will only give some food for thought, but it won’t get things moving. Sometimes the transition from the plane of “I am the boss – you’re a fool” to equality is very difficult to do. This is where you need the help of a family therapist or psychologist.
You will say that it is difficult for you to make up your mind and go to a session. You can say that your wife is probably much harder to restrain herself and not to yell at you than to get together and go to a psychologist. You are not your spouse’s enemy, and she is not your adversary. You are two people, tired, unhappy, who are stuck in a typical relationship mechanism that leads to a breakup.
Eliminate that mechanism, start building the relationship on a new foundation. Take responsibility for it, change your behavior, make arguments that will make your wife start communicating with you openly and without unnecessary emotion. You can understand that both you and she can handle it. But it will be better if you handle it together, rather than pushing the situation to the point where the easiest solution seems to be breaking up.
Types of criticism.
You can explain the reasons for your dissatisfaction in a constructive and destructive way. In the first case, a person points out errors, but also prompts solutions, expresses his desires. So issues are solved jointly, and there are no misunderstandings between the spouses.
With destructive criticism, the woman hears only condemnation and begins to feel guilty. It is problematic to find out what the man wants.
People with an inferiority complex tend to criticize constantly. So they increase their own importance at the expense of others.
And if before your man was not so critical, but now “on and off” – it’s a matter of self-esteem.
This could be due to many different reasons: a failure in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with the boss during the week, or just his cockroaches raging in his head.
Draw energy from someone else’s ego is much easier than to return to normal their own.
How do you behave in such a case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank, feed his masculinity and admiration.
And it should not do it once. And constantly and gracefully, like a woman, with emotion and motivation.
And even if you think that there is nothing to praise. Look at the little things. Motivate him to do things in a way that gives you reason to praise him. I’ve said many times that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.
Bouquet of flowers, a compliment, a gift … Use them as an excuse to thank him. Thank a man substantially and enthusiastically.
If you yourself don’t know how to do it and think that praise and gratitude he has to earn – the problem is with you, honey.
There is a category of people who are unable to accept any criticism. Even objective criticism.
For example, your man told you in a sulk that your new gold mini with sequins and frills does not suit you, and suggested buying a new one.
You pouted, upset, and threw a tantrum. And he meant well. And the wording, you agree, was correct?
Adjust your way of thinking, otherwise your relationship will soon come to a justifiable end.
What distinguishes constructive criticism from inadequate criticism? It doesn’t have an evaluative and accusatory judgment, a complaint. It offers options for solving the problem, not looking for someone to blame.
There is no point in being offended by such criticism. It will do you nothing but good.